Poison

by West, Jade

  Poison

  Jade West

  Contents

  Prologue

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Chapter 3

  Chapter 4

  Chapter 5

  Chapter 6

  Chapter 7

  Chapter 8

  Chapter 9

  Chapter 10

  Chapter 11

  Chapter 12

  Chapter 13

  Chapter 14

  Chapter 15

  Chapter 16

  Chapter 17

  Chapter 18

  Chapter 19

  Chapter 20

  Chapter 21

  Chapter 22

  Chapter 23

  Chapter 24

  Chapter 25

  Chapter 26

  Chapter 27

  Chapter 28

  Chapter 29

  Chapter 30

  Chapter 31

  Chapter 32

  Chapter 33

  Chapter 34

  Chapter 35

  Chapter 36

  Chapter 37

  Chapter 38

  Chapter 39

  Chapter 40

  Chapter 41

  Chapter 42

  Epilogue

  Acknowledgments

  About the Author

  Poison copyright © 2020 Jade West

  The moral rights of the author have been asserted.

  All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other non-commercial uses permitted by copyright law. For permission requests, write to the publisher, addressed “Attention: Permissions Coordinator,” at the email address below.

  Cover design by Letitia Hasser of RBA Designs http://designs.romanticbookaffairs.com/

  Edited by John Hudspith http://www.johnhudspith.co.uk

  All enquiries to jadewestauthor@gmail.com

  First published 2020

  Created with Vellum

  For Timmy

  For the inspiration on every level.

  For the support, and the love, and for being absolutely amazing in a whole new start.

  Oh, and the ass.

  This is for the magnificent ass, too. <3

  Prologue

  Anna

  It was one of his work social nights. Sebastian’s.

  I was sitting at our regular table, making the same regular small talk with the same regular group of other halves, twirling the engagement ring on my finger, ignoring my orange juice as the other women sipped at their wine.

  Bored.

  I was so damn bored.

  But it was more than that.

  I scanned the club, our usual venue after the usual restaurant, the ongoing cycle, swirling month by month, like it had done for years. My eyes glossed over the man who was supposed to be the love of my life as he stood in his usual pose, one elbow on the bar top, laughing along with his pompous work friends like their lives were the epitome of worldly success.

  I should have been happy. I’d been convincing myself I was for months on end – a mantra of smiles and telling everyone we were great, we were great, we were great. That Sebastian Maitland was the best future husband anyone could wish for. Attentive. Smart. Successful. Invested in our future.

  But still, I was bored of it all. And bored of me.

  My heart was a static flatline. I’d forgotten who I was, fading into myself for so long that I didn’t recognise my own soul anymore.

  I was trapped in my own little box, with a fake smile and fake hopes and dreams.

  My mind was constantly churning, desperate for Sebastian to be the one, but I knew deep down that he wasn’t. I was scared to all hell that nobody could ever find the spark in me that made me alive and love me for that, when I didn’t even know me myself.

  And that night, I was flatlining. Numb and lost and fading into the background.

  Until I looked away from him and saw them there. A couple I’d never seen before.

  She was leaning back against the wall between two seating booths and he was up against her, their mouths just inches apart, eyes hard on each other’s. Magnetic. Transfixed.

  They were simmering.

  And I felt it.

  I felt the thrum and the want and the intensity of the fire between them.

  I felt the pull of true, animalistic need. The craving for flesh on flesh. The screaming of her body to have him inside her, and the screaming of his to deliver.

  He leaned in close, his lips to her ear. Her back arched at his words, her hands coming up to reach for him. One swept up his chest, the other snaked around his neck, fingertips to his skin, desperate. She was desperate.

  So was he.

  And shit, so was I.

  My heart was thumping as I watched, the other women’s voices fading to nothing as I found myself hungry to know what he was saying.

  And then he kissed her.

  Oh God, how he kissed her.

  His mouth claimed hers so hard, with so much need that I felt it in my stomach – that pang of need myself. I clenched my thighs, and I fluttered down deep, and I couldn’t tear my eyes away. I was a voyeur just a few booths over, but I couldn’t stop staring.

  It didn’t matter.

  They were so consumed with each other they’d never have noticed my voyeurism. They’d never have noticed anything – the whole club could be on fire and they’d be oblivious.

  His mouth was fierce. Hers was hungry. Their breaths were ragged, bodies grinding. Their tongues were conquering, submissive, battling and loving, all at once.

  Oh, how I wanted to be her. Every single inch of me wanted to be her.

  But it wasn’t about the man next to her. I’d barely even noticed what he looked like. He was a hot guy in a suit, sure. But that wasn’t it.

  It was the flash of memory that flared up from the depths of me. The flash of the only time in my life I’d ever felt like that about someone else’s flesh. Someone else’s mouth. Someone else’s hands, and words, and cock.

  I’d only ever kissed one man like that. I’d only ever wanted one man like that. Needed one man like that. Craved one man like that.

  And it wasn’t the man whose engagement ring was on my finger… it was the man who had totally destroyed me all those years ago.

  “What do you think, Anna?” Kelly asked from the other side of the table. “Do you fancy a girls’ night next Saturday? The guys can hang out and play some poker, we’ll hit the wine and gossip.”

  “Sure,” I said, forcing my eyes across to her. “Sounds great.”

  Her voice became a blur again in a heartbeat, planning our usual chatty girls’ night, and I was right back to staring at the couple whose lust was on fire. The kiss broke, and she smiled a knowing smile as he took her hand, both of them pressed hard to each other’s side as they made their way to the exit.

  I shivered as they walked on by, my heart thumping to a whole other rhythm as he held open the door for her and she stepped on out.

  It was still thumping through the rest of the table’s chitchat, my tummy still panging when Sebastian and his friends broke up from the bar and headed on over. I grabbed my coat and said my goodbyes, smiling an empty smile at my fiancé as we walked to the taxi rank outside.

  He didn’t even look at me.

  I stared at him as the taxi drove us home, but he was scrolling through his phone, oblivious. I tried to summon the want for him I should be feeling, but there was nothing there.

  He opened the front door, turned off the intruder alarm and hung his jacket up. He tossed the keys onto the kitch
en counter and scrolled through his phone some more, and I watched him. I watched him and tried to feel something. Summon something. Anything.

  “Did you take your meds?” he asked.

  “Yes,” I said. “I took them before we left.”

  “No seizures?”

  “None,” I said.

  He poured me a glass of water and put it on the counter. I sipped it while he scrolled some more. Then he yawned, and finally he looked at me.

  “Bed time,” he said.

  I hadn’t even taken my coat off, but he didn’t notice, just walked on by me and headed upstairs. My hands were shaking as I took off my heels and got ready to follow him. My legs felt bandy as I climbed the stairs, my heart still thumping as he finished brushing his teeth with the bathroom door open.

  He was already in bed when I’d done mine and taken my makeup off. His face was lit up by the glow of his phone screen, and I knew he was attractive, but I didn’t see it. He wasn’t interested in the slightest as I slipped my dress off, unclipped my bra and slid my knickers down. He didn’t even shoot me a glance as I pulled the covers back and got in bed beside him.

  I wanted to sleep. I wanted to turn off the churn inside and forget about the lot of it, but I couldn’t. My eyes were wide open and fixed on the ceiling when he finally put his phone down on the bedside table and flicked the lamp off. They stayed there when he closed the distance between us and climbed on top.

  His kiss was wet, but not passionate.

  His hands were dancing their regular groping tune, but they weren’t really trying.

  Mine were dancing their regular tune right back, my legs spreading to let him in, where he thrusted and humped and grunted.

  I didn’t even pretend to come this time. He didn’t notice, just rolled away when he was done, patted my thigh as some kind of thank you, and then he was off to sleep. His back was to me, his breaths deepening, and I was lying there wide awake, still churning.

  Still staring at the ceiling.

  And then I said it. On a breath, I said it.

  “I can’t do this anymore.”

  There was fear, and sadness, and a whole part of me screaming inside that I was crazy, but I couldn’t stop it. I was done. My heart did one final frantic leap and begged me to dig, to find myself again, and I knew I couldn’t do it here. Not in this life with the man so determined that I was a sick little liability who needed to be a smiling nobody on his arm, nodding at his every word.

  He didn’t wake up until I grabbed his shoulder and shook him. He started before he rolled on over, and my voice sounded unsteady as I said it again.

  “I can’t do this anymore, Sebastian. I’m sorry, but I can’t. I just can’t do this anymore.”

  He laughed. He actually laughed as he flicked the lamp back on. He was still laughing until he saw my face, and then he tensed, propping himself up on one arm with his eyebrows pitted.

  “What the fuck are you talking about?”

  I was up and out of bed before I could answer him. The room was a blur as I pulled some clothes on and took the overnight case down from the top of the wardrobe. I piled in the first couple of items hanging up, and he was up and out of bed right after me, following me around as I got my things together.

  “Jesus Christ, Anna. What the fuck are you doing?!”

  “I mean it,” I said. “I’m sorry, Seb, but I can’t do this anymore. I can’t do us anymore.”

  And then he got it.

  He forced my case from my hands and threw it on the floor, and his cheeks were red, his mouth a scowl, eyes glaring as he backed me up against the wall and told me I was fucking insane.

  “Have you forgotten the fucking obvious?” he asked me, and his voice was ice cold. “Have you forgotten just how much of a fucking mess you were before I picked you up from the floor and gave you a fucking life again?”

  No, I hadn’t forgotten.

  I’d never once forgotten in all the years we’d been together. Not in the least because he reminded me regularly – as did everyone else in our world.

  It panged hard. The guilt. The fear. The self-doubt that rose up inside and made my chest heave as I stared right up at him.

  But tonight I couldn’t stop myself. Through everything that begged me to gain some rational thought and climb back into bed for the night, I just couldn’t choke it all back down. The need for release. The need for life. For soul. The need for flesh on flesh that truly meant something to me.

  “Is this about you wanting to be a disgusting little slut again?” he seethed, and my cheeks scorched under his stare. “Don’t think I didn’t see you goggle-eyed over those freaks in the club who needed to get a fucking room. Is that what you want? Huh?”

  I hated the way his mouth twitched as he scowled. His hands reached out to grab at me, and I hated that too. He pawed at me like I was a cheap whore. A whore worth nothing.

  “Come on,” he spat. “Tell me you want it like this. This is what he did to you, isn’t it?” He squeezed my tit hard and I batted his hand away. “That pervert prick who left you in a pitiful heap with his bullshit. Want to be a slut, do you? Want to soak yourself in filth? Want to take it like a desperate bitch like you did with that vile piece of shit?”

  I didn’t want it like that. Not from him.

  “Don’t,” I said.

  “Oh, but it’s what you really want, isn’t it?” he hissed. “It’s you wanting to chase that sick excuse for fucking I pulled you away from. That sick excuse for you I pulled you away from.”

  I shook my head, but there was that embarrassment blooming. The humiliation at knowing just who I was when he came into my life.

  But at least then I did know just who I was.

  He picked up on that embarrassment and rammed it home.

  “You think there’s anyone else out there that would pick you up from the dregs like I did?” He laughed a vile laugh. “How much of a kinky bitch do you think you’re going to look when you’re spasming in bed and waking up in a pool of your own piss, Anna?”

  “Please stop,” I said. But he didn’t.

  “You were in a shitty fucking state when I met you, and you’ll be in a shitty fucking state all over again without me. See what your parents think if you tell them you’re going it alone. See what the whole fucking world thinks of your selfish bullshit.”

  I hadn’t seen him like this for years.

  It was the drink. The drink and the dent in his pride.

  It wasn’t love.

  It wasn’t him seeing me as the person I truly was and loving me for me.

  It wasn’t freedom. Not to be myself. Not to be a woman who chased her own destiny.

  I was wrapped in baby softness cemented hard by constant judgement; I just hadn’t wanted to see it. I was plugged into scrutiny masked as caring – answering a running commentary on everything I ate, and drank, and thought, and did. I was boxed in on all sides and smiling through it by telling myself it was my life now. That it was all I was capable of now.

  He really had been there for me where other people had left me to scrape my way through my own shit. He wasn’t wrong on that score.

  If only I could believe we were real, him and me. That what we had really was all that mattered.

  But how could it be?

  How could he be in love with someone who didn’t really exist anymore?

  “Tell me you love me,” I said. “Tell me like you mean it. I don’t think you’ve said it in years.”

  “What?” he asked, eyes still glaring.

  “Just say it, Seb. Tell me you love me and mean it.”

  But he didn’t say it.

  “I take care of you, Anna. I put up with your medical crap and make sure you’re okay every fucking day. I keep you from being an utter state with yourself. If that isn’t enough for you, I don’t know what will be.”

  He stepped away and tutted, and looked at me like I’d gone mad.

  Maybe I had.

  I was questioning my own sanity,
and wondering myself what the hell I was doing when he finalised my thoughts for me by laughing that cold laugh of his.

  “Just get back to fucking bed and sleep it off, will you?” he said. “Have you been on the wine or something? You’d better not have been fucking drinking.”

  Maybe I should have been. Maybe a couple of glasses of wine would have seen me asleep in bed and immune to the feelings spinning deep.

  My tears were brimming as I picked that case back up from the floor. I could barely take a breath as I summoned the last of my words to the man I’d pledged my heart into marrying.

  “I can’t do this anymore,” I said again. “I mean it, Seb. I can’t do this.”

  “Your brain really is a poor excuse for one tonight,” he said, pacing the room. “This is madness. Total fucking madness. They need to up your fucking meds and get your stupid head back in gear.”

  It may have been insanity, but madness was better than living an illusion for the rest of my life. It had to be.

  “Goodbye, Sebastian,” I told him.

  “You’ll be back when you realise what a stupid cow you’re being,” he said, and got back in bed.

  I left my engagement ring on the counter next to his keys, and then took my first shaking footstep into a whole new world.

  Chapter One

  Anna