Poison

by West, Jade

  I didn’t bother confirming with an answer, and she paced the kitchen as she carried on.

  “What the hell is it about that jerk that has you out of your mind enough to hole up for a whole weekend with him?! Are you still losing your mind over that piece of shit?”

  “No,” I said. “I’m not losing my mind over him.”

  “Why, then?” she pushed. “Why the fuck did you spend another night with him? Tell me!”

  I blustered through my reasoning, but couldn’t find any answer other than the truth of it.

  “Incredible sex.”

  She shook her head in disbelief. “Incredible sex from an incredible piece of shit.”

  I shrugged. “An incredible piece of shit I won’t be seeing again.”

  She didn’t look convinced, just kept on pacing and shaking her head at my stupidity.

  “Honestly, Anna, you can’t do that again. He’s no good for you. Being anywhere near him is no good for you. He’ll fuck you up again.”

  I nodded along with her wise words. “I’m not planning on being anywhere near him again, don’t worry.”

  “I mean it,” she said. “He’ll leave you an even bigger state than he did last time, and this time he’ll cost you a whole load more. People will never live with you doing that to yourself. We couldn’t.”

  “It’s nobody else’s business who I fuck on a weekend,” I snapped, but she glared right back.

  “It’s everybody else’s business when you cast off Sebastian to chase after the absolute loser who fucked you over. That’s friendship, Anna.”

  She had a point.

  “You’re not bullshitting me, are you?” she asked. “That really was a one off? You’re not seeing him again?”

  I swallowed down everything but my resolve.

  I dug into my pain, and humiliation, and the burning bloom of shame.

  I dug into the disrespect I’d shown myself for firing off that message to him in the first place.

  I dug into the hurt, and those scrawled drawings lining his landing. I dug into the way I’d spent too many nights pining his loss.

  And then I believed it.

  I believed it when I said it, eyes burning hard with the honesty.

  “I’m not seeing him again,” I told her. “It was a one off. Just please don’t tell anyone I was with him.”

  She squeezed my arm as she passed me, and this time her expression had a whole other flavour to it. “It’s a bit late for that,” she said.

  Chapter Twelve

  Lucas

  There was a strange thrill to my Monday morning. A simmer running through the office I hadn’t felt in years. I could feel it in the air, see it in people’s faces, sense it all around me as people went about their day.

  The morning was almost done by the time I realised the simmer wasn’t running through the office. It was running through me.

  Hell, what a difference it made.

  People were seeking me out, talking strategy with a zing to their tone, and I was a grinning optimist as I joined in the discussions. There was something burning down deep. Something I’d have taken for granted when I first took up the directorship position in the cryptography sector of GCHQ several years ago.

  Excitement.

  Passion.

  Life.

  Since Maya left and took Millie with her, leaving me at a loss as to what to do with the pitiful scrap of my former self wallowing in her wake, I’d thrown myself into my work. My position was intense, needing just enough mental discipline to scrape me through the carnage without submitting to the drink entirely. A tightrope I’d walked with a few wobbles on the way, but walked nonetheless. Still, I hadn’t been enjoying it.

  I’d forgotten just how good enjoying this place felt.

  I’d forgotten just how good enjoying Anna felt too.

  With her dirty panties in my pocket and my eyes intent on Keith Clarke as he gave his monthly roundup, I was far more in my groove than I’d been in months. My mind was full of strategy ideas I’d been searching around the dregs of my brain for that entire quarter.

  So, I did them justice. I took the full reins of my directorship and I presented them. I thanked Keith for his input, but I was right up and on point, laying out the team plan for the next round of our security development project.

  It worked.

  Keith was full of nods and affirmatives, and so was Ralph Jacobs beside him. Amy, Beth and Dan were scribbling notes, and even Moose – our introverted genius who barely contributed to anything – was rocking along with the positives.

  “Anything to add?” I asked at the end of the session.

  “Yeah,” Ralph said. “What the fuck happened to you this weekend, Pierce? You’re bouncing off the walls this morning.”

  I smirked and winked, and grabbed my coffee mug along with my paperwork.

  “My trade secret,” I said. “Entirely confidential.”

  “Keep doing bloody more of it,” Keith added. “And dish some out to the rest of us while you’re at it.”

  I laughed out loud as I made my exit from the meeting room. I wouldn’t be dishing any of Anna’s pussy out to anyone this lifetime.

  I was back at my desk in the quiet of my office when I dared to tug her panties out into my lap. I debated firing her off a picture of that filthy lace stretched tight around my dick, but I decided that Monday morning would maybe be pushing the communication channels, even by my crappy standards.

  I had my legs stretched out under the desk and my head tipped back, balls pulsing deep and cock throbbing hard when the distinct trill of my phone sounded out loud and clear.

  Maya.

  I knew it would be Maya.

  I cursed as I grabbed the phone from the desk top, panties still tight around my dick.

  Millie needs picking up from school on Wednesday, she has swimming club after. And don’t even think about letting her around those dogs again. She said they were jumping all over her last time. I could smell them on her coat.

  My gut did its usual lurch as I checked the team diary and found a presentation meeting with the rest of the management team on Wednesday afternoon.

  I’d usually panic over the fallout of refusing Maya anything, but not this time.

  I’m busy at work on Wednesday. Can you rearrange what you have planned?

  I could already imagine what she had planned. A bitching session with her friend Dawn over a coffee, in the guise of a therapy afternoon.

  I was right.

  Dawn and I are working through our self-development plan. She can only do Wednesday.

  I shoved the panties back in my pocket and gave the phone my full attention. Usually I’d be scrabbling around trying to rearrange my own itinerary, dropping everything of mine to keep Maya amicable. But not the fuck today.

  I can’t rearrange my meeting, Maya, sorry. I’m sure my mother will pick up Millie from school.

  I held my breath at the impending punishment. Sure enough, it came.

  Fine. Put your work before your daughter. You can put your work before her next weekend too.

  I cursed out loud.

  What do you mean I can put my work before her next weekend too?

  I knew the answer before it came.

  She can stay with me next weekend. I’ll make plans to see Dawn then. Millie can play with Phoebe to keep them entertained.

  My reply was pointless, but I sent it anyway.

  I already have plans for Millie next weekend. We’re going to Sea Centre to see the sharks.

  And so it came.

  I already had plans for Wednesday. I guess we both lose out, don’t we?

  I threw the phone on the desk, gut twisting. All these months since Maya upped and dragged Millie away from me, she’d been nothing short of dangling puppet strings. I was a pathetic piece of shit, dancing to her tune, bending over at every whim of hers for the sake of seeing my daughter.

  Fuck, how she’d made me fucking bend.

  I didn’t even know why
she was so determined to kick me in the gut at every opportunity. I didn’t know why she still wanted to hold our little girl as a chess piece in her game of fucking me over into submission.

  Even then, sitting at my desk with my whole work week mapped out in front of me, I was tempted to get on the case of bailing out of my Wednesday responsibilities, but I didn’t.

  I knew what was coming next before it arrived.

  Mother. And once again, I was the asshole.

  Will you get your priorities right for once? Maya needs your support.

  My fingers were hovering over the screen as a flash of fuck you zipped up my spine. Because that’s what it deserved. One big fuck you.

  A fuck you for Maya holding our little girl as a weapon for every time she didn’t get her own bastard way.

  A fuck you for my mother always taking that self-righteous cow’s side of every stupid battle.

  A fuck you for the whole sorry spectacle of having to jump through hoops every time I wanted to spend time with Millie.

  I was done with justifying myself for every breath I took without their seal of approval. So, I didn’t. I forced aside the pain of losing Millie over the weekend, because I’d already stomached plenty of that pain over the past few months. I dug down deep and finally accepted that this situation wasn’t ever going to be resolved by jumping through higher and higher hoops until I was nothing but a show pony, parading around with that spiteful bitch on my back and my mother whooping her cheers from the sidelines.

  And finally, with one glimpse of my real self shining up at me from the swampland of Maya demands, I decided that both she and Mother could go fuck themselves. I called up Maya’s message and typed out my response.

  Millie is coming with me to Sea Centre this weekend. We’re seeing the sharks. Rearrange Dawn for next week. Self-development afternoon can go fuck itself, Maya.

  I tossed the phone amongst the meeting minutes and calmed my breathing until my twisting gut opted to untwist itself.

  No. Fucking. More.

  I forced the fear, and the hurt, and the self-doubt behind me into the shadows where it belonged. I resolved to sort my fucking life out and find my spine again in the jelly of what I’d become for that bitch.

  I pulled those panties back out of my pocket and wrapped them tight around my dick and thought of Anna Blackwell’s pretty little mouth as I fucked her spit out of her.

  I thought about her hungry asshole and the way I’d made her take it so fucking rough.

  I thought about her dirty little smile and how that made me burn deep.

  I thought about her sweet whimpers as she took whatever I gave.

  Then I came in that filthy lace with a grunt and a curse, like every bit the filthy man she knew so well.

  Unfortunately for Maya, that man was nothing like the version of me she’d come to know so well. Not in the wake of the pathetic little shell of the man she’d worked so hard to pound into nothing.

  And that man wasn’t ever coming back.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Anna

  So much for my intention to avoid drama.

  I’d been such a moron for letting my phone run out of battery and scare Vicky shitless.

  She’d messaged my parents and Nicola and told them exactly what I’d been doing, and now three of my most solid supporters were armed with the most solid lashings in my direction.

  I felt like a criminal ploughing through my week and trying to keep the confrontations at arm’s length, and maybe I was a damn criminal. Maybe I’d disrespected everyone who truly gave a shit about me, as well as disrespected myself, but it was a bit too late for that.

  Nicola had been a wave of solid attack for days on end. Message after message telling me what an idiot I was for venturing anywhere near Lucas Pierce and demanding she get an evening in my presence to tell me so in person.

  My parents had been worse. Not only screaming down the phone about how insane I was for daubing my self-respect in lighter fluid and setting myself in flames, but screaming about how ridiculous I was for casting aside the perfect Sebastian Maitland, with his perfect consideration for my wellbeing.

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. I knew it.

  I’d already had months of the same scathing mantras on loop. What the hell are you doing? What the hell are you doing? What the hell are you doing? Only this time they were far more frantic. More cursing and hissing and telling me what a stupid idiot I was for selling out something so good for something so bad.

  I was torn up with the whole sorry lot of it. So torn that my mind felt severed in two, jagged and savage on the edges.

  On one hand, I believed their disgust. I felt the concern behind their criticism. I agreed with every curse and scream of Lucas Pierce’s name.

  On the other, there was so much more. A scream of a very different kind inside me every time I heard his name.

  I was a hamster on a wheel as I threw myself into my work that week. Meetings and minutes and consultancy calls taking up my time. Distractions that were short-lived but essential. Projects piling up, colleagues reaching out for extra insight, and hell, I gave it.

  I gave it all, just to save myself the stress of working through my own fucked up headspace.

  I gave it all, just to save myself the stress of realising just how much I wanted Lucas Pierce.

  Friday was a long time coming after those busy days in the office. I should have been looking forward to a couple days off, long lie-ins and chocolate in front of the TV. But the looming weekend was nothing but a pang in my gut, knowing that the onrush of people wanting to shout at me was imminent.

  I cleared my desk into some kind of order as the afternoon drew to a close, then waved goodbye to Stacey and Lucia as I headed out through reception and made my way home. I hadn’t given much thought to anything other than the Kirby Project that day, and was happily pushing my concentration onto what I wanted from the local supermarket as I dashed on in with a basket.

  Broccoli, beetroot, some salmon fillets. Orange juice and makeup wipes and a big slab of milk chocolate. Nothing particularly exciting. Nothing stressful. Nothing whatsoever that should’ve led to the swirl of senseless thoughts that marked the onset of my seizure.

  Boy needing a sharpener. Again. Again. Kicking. Month reports. Boy. Again.

  It took seconds. Barely more than a breath. No warning for me, and no warning for anyone around me.

  My debit card was hovering by the machine, the attendant grinning over as my brain let me down and went blank to the world.

  There was sickness as the seizure slammed in hard. A horrible wobble of nausea as the woman’s face in front of me started speaking an alien language.

  I didn’t understand her. Couldn’t understand her. Couldn’t understand myself. Didn’t have a clue where I even was.

  It was terrifying, just as it always was. I was lost to everything in the world, but most of all me.

  I must have stumbled on my feet as I tried to come to my senses. I must have spoken nonsense and turned pale and wide-eyed and every bit as fucked up as I did every other time I had a seizure in public.

  I must have moved blankly when they led me off by my arm and forced me to a seat in the customer service booth. I saw them offering me a bottle of water but couldn’t understand what they were saying to me. I tried to focus on their language but got nowhere, swimming in a sea of confusion and panic and nothing whatsoever I could form any sense from.

  And then my brain came back to me. Slowly.

  I heard words and understood them in fragments. I heard the woman in front of me asking about people she could call, but couldn’t find the words to reply.

  Her blonde hair looked so fair. Her eyes looked so clear. I couldn’t stop staring.

  She pulled my phone from my handbag and asked me about contacts.

  “Husband? Mum? Dad?” she asked, but I shook my head.

  “No,” I managed. “No. Please don’t.”

  “No?”

  I was shaking my
head, pleading with the blonde angel.

  “Okay, don’t worry,” she said, tapping at my phone. “We’ll find the right person for you, don’t worry.”

  I hoped they hadn’t called an ambulance. I tried to tell them so, but my words were still jumbled.

  She waited until I managed to make a scrap of sense, and when I did, I focused on my phone in her hand.

  “Not Mum,” I managed. “Not Mum. Please.”

  She nodded and squeezed my arm. “Don’t worry, sweetheart. Not your mum if that’s not what you want. We’ll find someone else. Can you give me a name?”

  I closed my eyes and urged my thoughts to come back to me, but the only thing coming was the heavy drag of exhaustion. I hated it when it took this road. Hours of having to recover in a stupor while my brain got a grip of itself.

  Even in my dazed state, I expected the woman with my phone to call my mum, or Vicky, or Nicola. Even worse, I expected her to dig deep through the backlog and find Dad, or some random workmate, or even Sebastian.

  I got a rush of panic when the bleep of a message sounded out and she took a gasp of a breath.

  “Wow. I’m sorry!” she said, and her cheeks blushed pink. “I guess you do have a boyfriend. I’ll give him a call.”

  There was a laugh. A laugh and a shake of her head, her cheeks blooming even brighter as she digested whatever message had come through.

  I didn’t understand the laugh until she turned the screen towards me and I saw my dirty lace knickers stretched over Lucas’s throbbing dick.

  Oh. My. God.

  It was Lucas’s throbbing dick on my phone screen.

  I’m sure my cheeks must have been burning pink too as I tried to read the words along with his photo. I was still trying when she cleared her throat and read them out for me.

  “Been thinking about you all week. Fancy a rematch tomorrow?”

  I was still nothing like capable of a proper conversation when I saw her raise the handset to her ear.

  Oh God, she was calling Lucas.

  I leaned back in the seat and tried to gain control, but I was still spinning sick. My mind zoned out of the words around me, picking up just snippets on the nauseous ether.