“You don’t miss it?”
“You mean to imply that a category five hurricane isn’t enough action for me?”
She leans against the counter, all hips and dark hair that tumbles down her shoulders. “Touché I guess. What time works for you?”
Babies aren’t as easy as they look. Sure, they sleep most of the time, but they spend a good portion of the rest of it crying. Give me a fire any day and I can take charge and get it put out, but a crying baby? May as well be the world’s most complicated Sudoku.
“C’mon, girl. What’s wrong?” I check her diaper. Still clean and dry. She just had a bottle not five minutes ago and I’ve bounced and rocked her so much my arms ache—and I’m used to carrying rucksacks that weigh upward of fifty pounds on a light day. “You can’t be hungry. You aren’t sick, are you?”
That would go over well with Avery, I’m sure. The first day back at work and I tap out because the baby has a cold. I press my hand against Gracie’s forehead. She’s warm, but not hot. She drools on my hand and I wipe it away.
“Don’t worry, girl. I won’t take offense.”
Her gummy smile reminds me of my thought about her teething. I grab a piece of ice and put it in a clean rag for her to suck on. It’s like magic. In an instant, she stops crying and goes to town gnawing on the cold rag. Avery is going to flip her shit. Babies aren’t supposed to get teeth this early my ass.
“See there? We can do this. It’ll just take some learning for the both of us. What do you think, Gracie-girl? You think you’d like to have me as a dad?”
At my question, she looks up from her chewing to smile at me again. I’m filled with twin shards of delight and guilt. Her smile is a carbon copy of Avery’s, but her eyes? They’re all mine. I don’t need the DNA test we’d taken to confirm paternity to know she’s mine. I knew the moment I saw her. To have her smiling at me? It’s the world’s best Christmas present and winning the lottery all in one.
But there’s guilt there, too. Guilt because a part of me knows Avery wasn’t far off the mark when she said I needed the thrill, that my job is dangerous. I won’t deny both of those reasons are why I love being a Wildland Firefighter so much. If I do decide to stick around, could I give those things up? Much as I want to think I’d be the selfless parent that Avery is, I’m not sure I could.
Chapter 10
Avery
I’ll be the first to admit, I had my doubts about Walker.
Clearly.
But when the first night of babysitting—or rather I should say parenting—didn’t end in absolute disaster, I have to admit, I was wrong. Gracie was happy and healthy when I went to pick her up after my shift and Walker didn’t even seem frazzled. I guess when you compare it to a wildfire, watching after one baby can’t really be that intimidating.
We continue with this routine for the next couple of weeks. He spends more and more of his free time cleaning up the rest of the larger debris in my yard. In no time he has the large fallen trees hacked to pieces and burned. He even climbs up on top of my roof and replaces the tin that had gotten torn up when I told him it was leaking inside the house during the next rainstorm.
The be-all and end-all, though, is when he’s with Gracie. If I had no feelings for him after our night together, seeing him with our daughter would have done it for me. He was awkward at first, a little unsure, but the two of them have a rapport I don’t think I’ll ever be able to attain. He’s lighthearted and daring, letting her grab onto his fingers to practice her wobbly legs and cheering her on while I bite my nails off. He lights up when he sees her and the more time I spend with him, the harder it is for me to remember why I shouldn’t want anything more than a father for my daughter.
Before we can blink, it’s nearly Christmas time. I insisted he spend the night so he could be there for Gracie’s first Christmas morning. How could I not? Seeing him watching her would be the best Christmas gift I’ve ever received.
If I thought he was good-looking in a pair of cut-offs and a T-shirt, it was only because I hadn’t seen him in a flannel and jeans. Or even worse, a Christmas onesie that matches the drooling giggling baby girl in his arms. “You’re sure you don’t mind?”
I give myself a mental shake. Must stop picturing him stripping for me. That’s not exactly the platonic coparenting relationship we agreed on. “I’m sure.”
“I can just drive over in the morning.”
He has Gracie in his lap. He’s staring down at her as she coos and waves her arms. The look on his face is indescribable as he babbles at her like they’re having a full-blown conversation. It’s like I don’t even exist. I’ve never been so happy to be ignored in my life. I can’t believe I thought it would hurt her to have him in her life. If anyone knows what it’s like to be without a parent, it’s me.
After clearing my throat, I say, “I said I was sure. Geez, Walker, are you going deaf already? You can borrow some of Grandma Rosie’s hearing aids.”
“Fine,” he replies with an exaggerated expression which causes Gracie to giggle up at him. Be still my heart. He places her in her bouncer to kick and play with the toys hanging over her. “I’ll stay, but I’m sleeping on the couch.”
I nearly roll my eyes. “Really, like we haven’t shared a bed before.”
At this, his gaze turns molten and the air between us heats like we’re creating our own personal wildfire. “Right. And remember what happened the last time?”
My cheeks burn. We’d been dancing around each other for weeks. The sexual tension hadn’t gone away because we’d decided to be mommy and daddy. It had only gotten worse, at least for me, because I knew making a move would be a huge mistake. “Fine. Stay on the couch.”
But my words come out way more breathless than I’d like. Instead of joking back with me, Walker says nothing. His eyes drop to my lips and I can feel his gaze like he’s kissing me again—something he hadn’t done since the first day. Something I’d been thinking about damn near every second since.
Grandma Rosie is napping and Gracie is happily kicking away in her bouncer, but it feels like Walker and I are the only two people in the world. It’s the same way he’d made me feel the first night I met him at the restaurant. It had been crowded then with the dinner rush, but the second we locked eyes, everything else faded away. I used to make fun of women who talked about love at first sight. Okay, maybe it was lust at first sight and love the moment I saw Gracie smiling up at him.
I’d been hit on at work before, but it didn’t feel that way with Walker. He hadn’t hit on me, not really. At the end of my shift, he’d asked me to a nearby bar, no pretense, no phony coaxing, and I’d said yes without hesitation. I’ve asked myself a thousand times why? What made him feel so safe?
Now I know.
It had been his eyes. They’d been so achingly sad and lonely. Not in a pitiful, I’ll be your female knight-in-shining-armor kind of way. More in an I’ve found my likeness in another sort of way. In his eyes, I saw my own loneliness reflected and for a moment, maybe I thought…it’s silly now, but maybe I thought he’d understand how that felt.
I wonder if he can read how much I want him in my eyes just as easily. The air between us seems to crackle with potential. Potential for heat. For more. Potential for heartbreak. The tension sizzles along my skin, taking with it what little self-control I’d cultivated.
Giving in, I lift my hand to his chest and nearly shiver at the mere feeling of his warmth underneath my palm. I’ve spent so many nights since he kissed me after the storm reliving the moment and wishing I’d let myself enjoy it more that my knees nearly buckle at the contact. Underneath my palm, his heart beats in an unsteady gallop and I wonder if he’s thought about touching me as much as I have him.
I look up and his blue-gray eyes have gone stormy dark. His lips are slightly parted and his chest lifts rapidly with each inhalation. My stomach clenches with the knowledge that I’m not the only one who has been tortured by the distance. I’m not the only one who has be
en suffering with needs long repressed.
“We should put the baby down for bed,” he says in a rough voice. “So she gets enough sleep for tomorrow.”
“She’s fine,” I say with a shake of my head.
“Avery,” he warns.
But for the first time in my life, I don’t heed the warnings. Don’t follow the rules. I lift up to the tips of my toes to reach his lips and kiss him like I’ve been wanting to kiss him since I first saw him. His hands come to my hips, but they don’t push me away. Instead, they grip and hold as though he’s afraid to let me go, too.
A bud of hope takes place in my chest as his lips part for me and his tongue flits out to caress my own. The hands at my hips tighten almost to the point of pain, but I don’t care. All I want is to drown in him for a little while longer. He retreats, but only to rub his lips over mine, to tease and tempt. I push myself up higher, riddled with need, which makes him laugh.
“Don’t laugh,” I say indignantly. “Just kiss me.”
“So impatient,” he teases and pleases us both by bringing his mouth back to mine.
This kiss is deeper and longer. It brings to mind tangled sheets and slick skin. If kissing him was a mistake, it’s one I want to make over and over and over again.
I don’t know who made the first move, but the next thing I know I’m beneath him on the threadbare couch. He feels so good on top of me it almost makes me want to climb out of my own skin because the wanting him is so intense. His hands are all over me, restless with his own urgency. My thighs part to bring him closer and I hiss my pleasure at the contact. All I can think about is that I want more.
The baby chooses that moment to start crying.
Walker freezes above me, his head popping up in disbelief. My body goes limp with frustration and I press my hands to my face to fight for some semblance of self-control. With careful movements, he gets to his feet.
“I’ll get her,” he says.
I’m grateful for the moment to myself to put the needy parts of me back together again. I’d been close, so close, to the edge and he’d barely even touched me. If I thought it would be easy to do this co-parenting thing without making it complicated, I knew now I was dead wrong.
Chapter 11
Walker
“We need to talk.”
No one likes to hear those words, but I’d been expecting them ever since we kissed the night before Christmas. We’d been able to toe around the tension between us while we focused on Gracie, but her kissing me changed everything. “I know. Did Gracie go down?” I ask.
“For the count.” Avery settles on the couch next to me. It’s two days past Christmas, but I couldn’t seem to make myself leave. Opening presents with Gracie, Rosie, and Avery had been the kind of holidays I’d never gotten as a child after my brother died. Maybe I wanted to soak up as much of it as possible, not that Avery seemed to mind.
Until now.
She didn’t object when I suggested I stay the night—on the couch—to help with Grandma Rosie once she caught a nasty cold after the holiday. In fact, part of her seemed relieved. Maybe she thought I’d run at the first opportunity. Maybe she wanted me to stick around. At this point, I didn’t know which option I preferred. Both equally scare the shit out of me.
“What did you need to talk about?”
“You’ve been avoiding me,” Avery says directly.
I’ve learned since I’ve been around her that keeping things to herself is an aberration. She must have been truly scared to withhold the truth about Gracie for so long—not that that’s an excuse. In her day-to-day life Avery tackles her responsibilities head on which includes any confrontations. I won’t ever forget that she lied by omission, but I can understand her reasoning more. Or at least her state of mind when she did what she did.
“I’ve been less than twenty feet away from you for nearly a week.”
Avery rolls her eyes. “Don’t play dumb. It was the kiss, wasn’t it? Did it make it too weird? Look, I’m sorry for coming on to you if that’s not what you wanted. The last thing I want to do is to make this harder on anyone. Gracie is the only one who matters here and if you meant it about putting our parenting relationship first, then I’ll respect that from this point forward. I know you may not have forgiven me for what I did, I mean I understand—”
I press my fingers over her lips and bite back a smile. God, she loves to ramble when she gets all worked up. I didn’t know that about her. There are so many things I don’t know about her. So many things I wish I could learn about her. “I’ve forgiven you.”
She deflates a little, then says, “You have?”
Nodding, I drop my fingers and say, “I’ve seen how hard it is for you to work, take care of your grandma and take care of Gracie. You’re a good mom, Ave, and I can accept that you were scared of how I’d react. We never really knew each other, and it was a crazy situation to be put in. I can’t say how I’d react if something similar happened to me, so I have no right to judge you. I’m not going to lie and say it doesn’t hurt having missed everything, but I’m willing to work with you to move forward.”
“Wow, that’s not what I was expecting you to say,” she says with a laugh. “Thank you. I hope you know I mean that. You’ve done so much for us already and—”
“Stop, you don’t have to keep thanking me. I do those things because I want to.”
She gestures over her lips with a zipping motion.
“There’s something I need to talk to you about, too.”
I wasn’t sure how I was going to bring this up. I’d spent the past few days since I learned about it to decide what I wanted to do, and I figure I’d better get it over with before I lose my nerve.
Her smile falls. “What is it?”
“I got offered a job.”
She brightens a little. “At the fire department?”
Well, I had, but I couldn’t tell her that. Shaking my head, I say, “No, another contract. This one for nearly double what I usually work and what’s basically a promotion. It’s something I’ve been working for my whole life.”
“You did? A promotion, wow. You must be really hot stuff, huh?” Her expression is a mixture of surprise, pain, and false happiness.
Somehow, it’s worse that she’s trying so hard to be happy for me. Indecision chokes my words, but I say, “Yeah, I apply for them every year. The listings normally don’t go up for a few months, but I wasn’t sure how we, this, everything was going to work out, so when I saw it, I applied as a contingency.”
Her smile is kind and understanding, which shouldn’t feel like a knife to the heart, but it does. “You don’t have to explain yourself. I know I was emotional about your job in the beginning, but I can’t be mad at you for doing something you love. I saw you after the storm. I could never be so calm and brave like you were. If this is what you want to do, it would be wrong of me not to support you. You’re a great firefighter, Walker. A good person. Gracie will always be proud to call you her dad.”
I slump back against the couch. “What made you change your mind?”
“Well, I’ve seen you with Gracie and I can’t deny you’re so good with her. Even though you may not be the type of dad who’s there every day, you’re a man she can be proud to call her father and that matters more than anything to me. I was wrong. I had no right to dictate what your relationship would be. If you want to fight wildfires every year, I’m sure we can figure out a way to make your relationship with Gracie when you’re here the best it can be.”
“Do you really mean that?” I can’t tell from her expression or her voice what she’s feeling. No doubt she’s drawing from that well of inner strength—or maybe that’s my vanity talking. And then I feel like shit. I shouldn’t want her to be upset that I’m leaving.
“I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t.”
“What about us?”
At this, she pulls away and I feel the distance settle between us like a rock. “I think you were right. What’s most important i
s that you and Gracie have a positive relationship. I don’t ever want to come between you two or you following your dreams.”
“What if I said I wanted to make it work? All of it?”
“How would we do that?” she asks.
“Well, we could start by going out on an actual date.”
To my relief, she laughs, but her eyes are somber. “If we did that eventually you would feel obligated to stay and you would start to resent me. Or I’d get insecure about you being away so much. I don’t want that to sour anything and affect your wanting to be with Gracie.”
“Nothing would ever affect my wanting to be with Gracie. I’ll admit, at first my instinct was to bolt. I’ve run from being tied down like this my whole life. My father never got over being married and not chasing his dreams. When we lost my brother, it damn near broke him and I swore I’d never fall into that trap.”
“Exactly,” Avery says. “I don’t want you to try and stay for me. Whatever you do, we’ll make sure Gracie gets time with you. When you’re off season or on vacation when she’s older, she can visit or stay with you when she’s in town.”
There’s a glint in her eye and for the first time I don’t think I’m going to be able to convince her otherwise when she has her mind set. “Is this really what you want?”
“I only want you to be happy. If this contract makes you happy, I think you should take it. I won’t ever stand in your way of doing what you love, Walker.”
The hardest thing I’ve ever done was walk away from the two of them the next morning knowing I wouldn’t be seeing them again for a long, long time.
Then realizing if shit went sideways, it could be the last time I ever saw them.
Spark (The Hometown Heroes Series) Page 5
