Middlemarch

by George Eliot

  CHAPTER LXVII.

  Now is there civil war within the soul: Resolve is thrust from off the sacred throne By clamorous Needs, and Pride the grand-vizier Makes humble compact, plays the supple part Of envoy and deft-tongued apologist For hungry rebels.

  Happily Lydgate had ended by losing in the billiard-room, and broughtaway no encouragement to make a raid on luck. On the contrary, he feltunmixed disgust with himself the next day when he had to pay four orfive pounds over and above his gains, and he carried about with him amost unpleasant vision of the figure he had made, not only rubbingelbows with the men at the Green Dragon but behaving just as they did.A philosopher fallen to betting is hardly distinguishable from aPhilistine under the same circumstances: the difference will chiefly befound in his subsequent reflections, and Lydgate chewed a verydisagreeable cud in that way. His reason told him how the affair mighthave been magnified into ruin by a slight change of scenery--if it hadbeen a gambling-house that he had turned into, where chance could beclutched with both hands instead of being picked up with thumb andfore-finger. Nevertheless, though reason strangled the desire togamble, there remained the feeling that, with an assurance of luck tothe needful amount, he would have liked to gamble, rather than take thealternative which was beginning to urge itself as inevitable.

  That alternative was to apply to Mr. Bulstrode. Lydgate had so manytimes boasted both to himself and others that he was totallyindependent of Bulstrode, to whose plans he had lent himself solelybecause they enabled him to carry out his own ideas of professionalwork and public benefit--he had so constantly in their personalintercourse had his pride sustained by the sense that he was making agood social use of this predominating banker, whose opinions he thoughtcontemptible and whose motives often seemed to him an absurd mixture ofcontradictory impressions--that he had been creating for himselfstrong ideal obstacles to the proffering of any considerable request tohim on his own account.

  Still, early in March his affairs were at that pass in which men beginto say that their oaths were delivered in ignorance, and to perceivethat the act which they had called impossible to them is becomingmanifestly possible. With Dover's ugly security soon to be put inforce, with the proceeds of his practice immediately absorbed in payingback debts, and with the chance, if the worst were known, of dailysupplies being refused on credit, above all with the vision ofRosamond's hopeless discontent continually haunting him, Lydgate hadbegun to see that he should inevitably bend himself to ask help fromsomebody or other. At first he had considered whether he should writeto Mr. Vincy; but on questioning Rosamond he found that, as he hadsuspected, she had already applied twice to her father, the last timebeing since the disappointment from Sir Godwin; and papa had said thatLydgate must look out for himself. "Papa said he had come, with onebad year after another, to trade more and more on borrowed capital, andhad had to give up many indulgences; he could not spare a singlehundred from the charges of his family. He said, let Lydgate askBulstrode: they have always been hand and glove."

  Indeed, Lydgate himself had come to the conclusion that if he must endby asking for a free loan, his relations with Bulstrode, more at leastthan with any other man, might take the shape of a claim which was notpurely personal. Bulstrode had indirectly helped to cause the failureof his practice, and had also been highly gratified by getting amedical partner in his plans:--but who among us ever reduced himselfto the sort of dependence in which Lydgate now stood, without trying tobelieve that he had claims which diminished the humiliation of asking?It was true that of late there had seemed to be a new languor ofinterest in Bulstrode about the Hospital; but his health had got worse,and showed signs of a deep-seated nervous affection. In other respectshe did not appear to be changed: he had always been highly polite, butLydgate had observed in him from the first a marked coldness about hismarriage and other private circumstances, a coldness which he hadhitherto preferred to any warmth of familiarity between them. Hedeferred the intention from day to day, his habit of acting on hisconclusions being made infirm by his repugnance to every possibleconclusion and its consequent act. He saw Mr. Bulstrode often, but hedid not try to use any occasion for his private purpose. At one momenthe thought, "I will write a letter: I prefer that to any circuitoustalk;" at another he thought, "No; if I were talking to him, I couldmake a retreat before any signs of disinclination."

  Still the days passed and no letter was written, no special interviewsought. In his shrinking from the humiliation of a dependent attitudetowards Bulstrode, he began to familiarize his imagination with anotherstep even more unlike his remembered self. He began spontaneously toconsider whether it would be possible to carry out that puerile notionof Rosamond's which had often made him angry, namely, that they shouldquit Middlemarch without seeing anything beyond that preface. Thequestion came--"Would any man buy the practice of me even now, for aslittle as it is worth? Then the sale might happen as a necessarypreparation for going away."

  But against his taking this step, which he still felt to be acontemptible relinquishment of present work, a guilty turning asidefrom what was a real and might be a widening channel for worthyactivity, to start again without any justified destination, there wasthis obstacle, that the purchaser, if procurable at all, might not bequickly forthcoming. And afterwards? Rosamond in a poor lodging,though in the largest city or most distant town, would not find thelife that could save her from gloom, and save him from the reproach ofhaving plunged her into it. For when a man is at the foot of the hillin his fortunes, he may stay a long while there in spite ofprofessional accomplishment. In the British climate there is noincompatibility between scientific insight and furnished lodgings: theincompatibility is chiefly between scientific ambition and a wife whoobjects to that kind of residence.

  But in the midst of his hesitation, opportunity came to decide him. Anote from Mr. Bulstrode requested Lydgate to call on him at the Bank.A hypochondriacal tendency had shown itself in the banker'sconstitution of late; and a lack of sleep, which was really only aslight exaggeration of an habitual dyspeptic symptom, had been dwelt onby him as a sign of threatening insanity. He wanted to consult Lydgatewithout delay on that particular morning, although he had nothing totell beyond what he had told before. He listened eagerly to whatLydgate had to say in dissipation of his fears, though this too wasonly repetition; and this moment in which Bulstrode was receiving amedical opinion with a sense of comfort, seemed to make thecommunication of a personal need to him easier than it had been inLydgate's contemplation beforehand. He had been insisting that itwould be well for Mr. Bulstrode to relax his attention to business.

  "One sees how any mental strain, however slight, may affect a delicateframe," said Lydgate at that stage of the consultation when the remarkstend to pass from the personal to the general, "by the deep stamp whichanxiety will make for a time even on the young and vigorous. I amnaturally very strong; yet I have been thoroughly shaken lately by anaccumulation of trouble."

  "I presume that a constitution in the susceptible state in which mineat present is, would be especially liable to fall a victim to cholera,if it visited our district. And since its appearance near London, wemay well besiege the Mercy-seat for our protection," said Mr.Bulstrode, not intending to evade Lydgate's allusion, but reallypreoccupied with alarms about himself.

  "You have at all events taken your share in using good practicalprecautions for the town, and that is the best mode of asking forprotection," said Lydgate, with a strong distaste for the brokenmetaphor and bad logic of the banker's religion, somewhat increased bythe apparent deafness of his sympathy. But his mind had taken up itslong-prepared movement towards getting help, and was not yet arrested.He added, "The town has done well in the way of cleansing, and findingappliances; and I think that if the cholera should come, even ourenemies will admit that the arrangements in the Hospital are a publicgood."

  "Truly," said Mr. Bulstrode, with some coldness. "With regard to whatyou say, Mr. Lydgate, about the relaxation of my
mental labor, I havefor some time been entertaining a purpose to that effect--a purpose ofa very decided character. I contemplate at least a temporarywithdrawal from the management of much business, whether benevolent orcommercial. Also I think of changing my residence for a time: probablyI shall close or let 'The Shrubs,' and take some place near thecoast--under advice of course as to salubrity. That would be a measurewhich you would recommend?"

  "Oh yes," said Lydgate, falling backward in his chair, withill-repressed impatience under the banker's pale earnest eyes andintense preoccupation with himself.

  "I have for some time felt that I should open this subject with you inrelation to our Hospital," continued Bulstrode. "Under thecircumstances I have indicated, of course I must cease to have anypersonal share in the management, and it is contrary to my views ofresponsibility to continue a large application of means to aninstitution which I cannot watch over and to some extent regulate. Ishall therefore, in case of my ultimate decision to leave Middlemarch,consider that I withdraw other support to the New Hospital than thatwhich will subsist in the fact that I chiefly supplied the expenses ofbuilding it, and have contributed further large sums to its successfulworking."

  Lydgate's thought, when Bulstrode paused according to his wont, was,"He has perhaps been losing a good deal of money." This was the mostplausible explanation of a speech which had caused rather a startlingchange in his expectations. He said in reply--

  "The loss to the Hospital can hardly be made up, I fear."

  "Hardly," returned Bulstrode, in the same deliberate, silvery tone;"except by some changes of plan. The only person who may be certainlycounted on as willing to increase her contributions is Mrs. Casaubon.I have had an interview with her on the subject, and I have pointed outto her, as I am about to do to you, that it will be desirable to win amore general support to the New Hospital by a change of system."Another pause, but Lydgate did not speak.

  "The change I mean is an amalgamation with the Infirmary, so that theNew Hospital shall be regarded as a special addition to the elderinstitution, having the same directing board. It will be necessary,also, that the medical management of the two shall be combined. Inthis way any difficulty as to the adequate maintenance of our newestablishment will be removed; the benevolent interests of the townwill cease to be divided."

  Mr. Bulstrode had lowered his eyes from Lydgate's face to the buttonsof his coat as he again paused.

  "No doubt that is a good device as to ways and means," said Lydgate,with an edge of irony in his tone. "But I can't be expected to rejoicein it at once, since one of the first results will be that the othermedical men will upset or interrupt my methods, if it were only becausethey are mine."

  "I myself, as you know, Mr. Lydgate, highly valued the opportunity ofnew and independent procedure which you have diligently employed: theoriginal plan, I confess, was one which I had much at heart, undersubmission to the Divine Will. But since providential indicationsdemand a renunciation from me, I renounce."

  Bulstrode showed a rather exasperating ability in this conversation.The broken metaphor and bad logic of motive which had stirred hishearer's contempt were quite consistent with a mode of putting thefacts which made it difficult for Lydgate to vent his own indignationand disappointment. After some rapid reflection, he only asked--

  "What did Mrs. Casaubon say?"

  "That was the further statement which I wished to make to you," saidBulstrode, who had thoroughly prepared his ministerial explanation."She is, you are aware, a woman of most munificent disposition, andhappily in possession--not I presume of great wealth, but of fundswhich she can well spare. She has informed me that though she hasdestined the chief part of those funds to another purpose, she iswilling to consider whether she cannot fully take my place in relationto the Hospital. But she wishes for ample time to mature her thoughtson the subject, and I have told her that there is no need forhaste--that, in fact, my own plans are not yet absolute."

  Lydgate was ready to say, "If Mrs. Casaubon would take your place,there would be gain, instead of loss." But there was still a weight onhis mind which arrested this cheerful candor. He replied, "I suppose,then, that I may enter into the subject with Mrs. Casaubon."

  "Precisely; that is what she expressly desires. Her decision, shesays, will much depend on what you can tell her. But not at present:she is, I believe, just setting out on a journey. I have her letterhere," said Mr. Bulstrode, drawing it out, and reading from it. "'I amimmediately otherwise engaged,' she says. 'I am going into Yorkshirewith Sir James and Lady Chettam; and the conclusions I come to aboutsome land which I am to see there may affect my power of contributingto the Hospital.' Thus, Mr. Lydgate, there is no haste necessary inthis matter; but I wished to apprise you beforehand of what maypossibly occur."

  Mr. Bulstrode returned the letter to his side-pocket, and changed hisattitude as if his business were closed. Lydgate, whose renewed hopeabout the Hospital only made him more conscious of the facts whichpoisoned his hope, felt that his effort after help, if made at all,must be made now and vigorously.

  "I am much obliged to you for giving me full notice," he said, with afirm intention in his tone, yet with an interruptedness in his deliverywhich showed that he spoke unwillingly. "The highest object to me ismy profession, and I had identified the Hospital with the best use Ican at present make of my profession. But the best use is not alwaysthe same with monetary success. Everything which has made the Hospitalunpopular has helped with other causes--I think they are all connectedwith my professional zeal--to make me unpopular as a practitioner. Iget chiefly patients who can't pay me. I should like them best, if Ihad nobody to pay on my own side." Lydgate waited a little, butBulstrode only bowed, looking at him fixedly, and he went on with thesame interrupted enunciation--as if he were biting an objectional leek.

  "I have slipped into money difficulties which I can see no way out of,unless some one who trusts me and my future will advance me a sumwithout other security. I had very little fortune left when I camehere. I have no prospects of money from my own family. My expenses,in consequence of my marriage, have been very much greater than I hadexpected. The result at this moment is that it would take a thousandpounds to clear me. I mean, to free me from the risk of having all mygoods sold in security of my largest debt--as well as to pay my otherdebts--and leave anything to keep us a little beforehand with our smallincome. I find that it is out of the question that my wife's fathershould make such an advance. That is why I mention my position to--tothe only other man who may be held to have some personal connectionwith my prosperity or ruin."

  Lydgate hated to hear himself. But he had spoken now, and had spokenwith unmistakable directness. Mr. Bulstrode replied without haste, butalso without hesitation.

  "I am grieved, though, I confess, not surprised by this information,Mr. Lydgate. For my own part, I regretted your alliance with mybrother-in-law's family, which has always been of prodigal habits, andwhich has already been much indebted to me for sustainment in itspresent position. My advice to you, Mr. Lydgate, would be, thatinstead of involving yourself in further obligations, and continuing adoubtful struggle, you should simply become a bankrupt."

  "That would not improve my prospect," said Lydgate, rising and speakingbitterly, "even if it were a more agreeable thing in itself."

  "It is always a trial," said Mr. Bulstrode; "but trial, my dear sir, isour portion here, and is a needed corrective. I recommend you to weighthe advice I have given."

  "Thank you," said Lydgate, not quite knowing what he said. "I haveoccupied you too long. Good-day."