Wishful Thinking (How To Be The Best Damn Faery Godmother In The World (Or Die Trying) Book 1)

by Helen Harper

  ‘Sure.’ He laughed. ‘I got it.’ He waved an arm around. ‘I’m still here though, ain’t I? Some faery godmother you are.’

  There was a knock at the door and it opened. ‘Sorry, Detective,’ said one of the police officers. ‘We don’t have enough to hold Mr Hamilton any longer. He’s being released as of this minute.’

  Vincent’s mouth dropped open. ‘I don’t believe it.’

  ‘It’s your lucky day,’ the officer said, with another apologetic look at me. ‘Come on. We’ll sort out your paperwork and you can crawl back under whichever rock you came from.’

  Vincent smiled so broadly, I thought his face was going to crack. ‘Awesome.’

  I sighed. ‘Great. Just great.’

  Chapter Eighteen

  ‘Look,’ I said to Jasper as we waited outside for Vincent Hamilton to exit the police station, ‘that memory business was an honest mistake to make.’

  He pressed his lips together. ‘Mmm.’

  ‘I didn’t know it was a thing! It’s not like I usually go around introducing myself as a faery whenever I chat to humans.’

  ‘It’s the most basic rule of first impressions. You can’t over-write them. We might be magic, Saffron, but we’re not God.’

  ‘I didn’t know.’

  He sent me a dark look. ‘You should have.’

  Yeah. Probably. I wrinkled my nose and sighed. ‘We could have found another way to get Hamilton to tell us what we need instead of granting his wish.’

  ‘Not quickly. Five lives are hanging in the balance. Assuming they’re actually still alive.’

  I cursed. He really didn’t need to remind me of that. ‘What a fuck up.’

  Jasper ran an irritated hand through his hair. ‘Worse things have happened. We can’t change it now so let’s forget about it and hope that Mr Hamilton doesn’t capitalize on his new knowledge in ways that will cause us more problems down the line.’

  I dreaded to think. I wrapped my arms round myself. It didn’t look like my first week in my dream job was improving in any way, shape or form.

  The front door of the police station opened and Vincent Hamilton appeared. He cupped his hands together, lighting a cigarette, then swaggered down the steps with his trenchcoat flapping behind him.

  ‘Thanks, faeries,’ he said, raising a hand towards us and then pushing past us.

  Jasper shot an arm out and hauled him back. ‘We had a deal, human. Quid pro quo. You have a few questions to answer.’

  Hamilton shrugged amiably. ‘Maybe tomorrow. I lost a lot of time being locked away in there. I’ve got things to do and places to be.’

  I narrowed my eyes at him. I couldn’t help noticing that time wasn’t the only thing he’d lost. His thick accent also appeared to have vanished and his grammar was considerably improved. I supposed all of us were now able to drop our facades. We all knew the truth.

  ‘Fat chance, buster. We got you out of there and we can put you right back. Either answer of questions or go down.’ I shrugged. ‘It’s your choice.’

  Hamilton huffed loudly to emphasise that all this was a terrible inconvenience to him. ‘Fine,’ he eventually said. He gestured towards us. ‘Ask away.’

  Jasper stepped towards him. He was at least a foot taller than the drug dealer and managed to cast an impressively threatening presence. ‘We will know,’ he said, ‘if you lie.’

  ‘And if you do,’ I added, ‘it won’t go well for you.’

  Hamilton held up his hands, palms stretched outwards. ‘I won’t lie.’ He offered us a toothy grin. ‘I’m a good boy.’

  I rolled my eyes. As if.

  Jasper reached into his inside pocket and drew out a photo of Lydia. From the background, it looked like it was also her office ID although her picture was considerably more aesthetically pleasing than mine was. ‘Have you ever seen this woman?’

  Hamilton barely glanced at it. ‘No.’

  ‘Look again,’ Jasper growled.

  He muttered something and took the photo, his dirty fingers with the nails bitten down to the quick oddly incongruous against the fixed, smiling glamour of Lydia. Then he sighed and passed it back. ‘I don’t know her name. I didn’t speak to her.’

  My entire body tensed. Jasper’s expression grew more watchful. Maybe all this would be worth it after all.

  ‘I saw her in St Clements Park three days running,’ Hamilton said. ‘She looked like she was waiting for someone. She hung around for a few hours or so on each day before leaving. She didn’t speak to anyone but she seemed watchful.’ He shrugged. ‘She was pretty. I enjoyed watching her too. She didn’t ever approach me though. It wasn’t me she was interested in.’

  ‘What days were these?’

  Hamilton raised his eyes up as he tried to think. ‘Not last week but the week before. Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. I remember that Friday was the last day because on that day I almost got knocked out by some prick who was trying to muscle in on my turf. He thought that he could set up shop here. Here! I’ve been selling on this spot for two years! Ratty bastard thought he could steal my space and…’

  ‘Let’s stay focused on this woman, shall we?’ I said. ‘Her name is Lydia,’ I told him, hoping that making her appear more like a real person would encourage Hamilton to open up further. The Friday he’d mentioned was the same day Lydia had vanished. The grimy drug dealer might have been the very last person to see her.

  ‘Is she a faery too?’ he asked.

  ‘Who she is doesn’t matter,’ Jasper said. ‘What happened to her does. What time was it that you saw her? What time of day was she in the park?’

  Hamilton waved his bare wrists towards Jasper. ‘I don’t know. Half past a bloody freckle. I don’t wear a watch, do I?’

  From what I could tell, Jasper was barely keeping a hold on his temper. ‘A rough estimate will do. Morning? Evening?’

  ‘Early evening, I suppose.’

  So not dark yet then. I frowned. Given the blood that Jasper had discovered, there had clearly been a struggle of some sort. That was bold. As dodgy as this park was, there were still enough passersby that someone would have noticed. Some Good Samaritan would have intervened.

  Jasper took out some more photos. ‘What about these people?’ he asked. ‘Have you seen any of them?’

  Hamilton rifled through the pictures of the other missing faeries. ‘Yeah. I might have.’

  Tension clawed at me. ‘Where?’ I demanded. ‘In the park too?’

  Hamilton was starting to pout. ‘Just how many questions are you going to ask?’

  ‘As many as we need,’ Jasper told him, with such a dangerous undertone that the drug dealer stopped whining and yielded to the inevitable.

  ‘Yes,’ he said. ‘In the fucking park. And, no. I didn’t see what happened to them.’ He pulled out one of the photos and held it up. ‘This one spoke to me. He asked if I was Bernard.’

  ‘That’s Boris, right?’ I murmured to Jasper.

  He nodded. ‘What did you say to him, Vincent?’

  ‘The truth. I don’t know anyone called Bernard. I’d have pulled a fast one on him but I thought it might be some Grindr date thing so I said I didn’t know him.’ He leered at me. ‘I like women. Not men. Don’t go getting any ideas though, darling. I don’t go for women with hair like yours. Yours is a bit messy.’

  I stared at him. ‘While you are a dapper gentleman who’s the very epitome of a sleek, manicured style.’

  ‘Yeah.’ He grinned with a slight hint of self-mockery. Apparently good ol’ Vincent was still playing something of a role.

  ‘When exactly did you see these others?’

  He splayed out his arms in a massive shrug. ‘I don’t know. It was a while back. I didn’t see them together. They were always alone. They were always waiting for someone. They’d be there for three days on the trot then I wouldn’t see them again.’

  ‘Who else have you seen loitering around the park, Vincent?’ Jasper’s voice was softer now. More coaxing. We were g
etting somewhere. We had a name if nothing else. Bernard. I savoured it in my mouth. Watch out, Bernard. We were coming for you.

  ‘I’m not telling you about my customers. I don’t grass on them and they don’t grass on me. I don’t care who you are or what you’ve done for me.’

  I didn’t think it was Vincent Hamilton’s customers we were after. ‘Not them,’ I said. ‘Tell us about the others.’

  He scratched his groin absently.

  ‘The ratty bastard for one. The one I told you about already. Middle aged woman who works at the accountancy firm across the street. She comes and sits here most evenings. There’s also some old biddy who walks a Yorkshire terrier. She’s been coming here for years. It’s why there’s no decent plants left in this place. Her dog pisses over them all. Kills them stone dead.’

  ‘Yeah, yeah. Anyone else?’

  ‘A few teenagers. I’d try and sell them some stuff. A starter pack, if you like. I don’t do kids though.’

  I nodded. ‘Because you’re a man of principles.’

  ‘That I am.’ He put his hands in his pockets. ‘That I am.’

  ‘The ratty bastard. What does he look like?’

  ‘White guy. Bald like me. Big ears.’ He jerked his chin at Jasper. ‘About the same height as you. He’s better looking than you though.’

  Jasper didn’t smile. I did.

  ‘Are we done here?’ Hamilton asked. ‘Can I go?’

  Jasper took hold of the lapels of Hamilton’s trenchcoat. ‘Sure,’ he said. ‘If you want to go, you can go. Just a little warning first though, Vincent.’

  ‘A teeny tiny one,’ I said.

  ‘Don’t go telling all your friends about us,’ Jasper told him. ‘If you do, the wish will stop working. You’ll be picked up by the police again and no amount of wishing will put you back on the streets.’

  ‘And,’ I said, ‘no more drug dealing. Find yourself a proper job. One that’s legal and above board. If I see you in this park again, I might wave my wand once more and you’ll end up in a cell.’

  ‘Finally,’ Jasper said, ‘You’ve never heard of faeries. You don’t believe in faery godmothers. If I hear otherwise, then,’ he tightened his grip, ‘what do you think will happen, Vincent?’

  ‘I’ll be arrested again,’ Hamilton answered sourly. ‘I’ve got it.’ He looked at us both. ‘For what it’s worth, I don’t believe in faeries.’

  ‘Good,’ I said. ‘Now scat.’

  Jasper released his hold. Hamilton smoothed down his trenchcoat and smiled congenially at both of us. Then he began to cross the street. About half way over he glanced over his shoulder. When he realised we weren’t following him, he started to sprint, his legs moving faster than they probably ever had before. Within moments, Vincent Hamilton had disappeared.

  Jasper looked at me. ‘We don’t make a bad team.’

  ‘It was a shaky start,’ I agreed, ‘but we got there. Do you think he’ll keep his mouth shut?’

  ‘Actually,’ he said, ‘I do. Not because he’s afraid of the consequences if he blabs but because he’s recognizes we’ve got power. Power that he might want to make use of again.’

  I snorted. ‘Blackmail, you mean? His continued cooperation for more wishes granted. That won’t work.’

  ‘No.’ Jasper’s mouth crooked up. ‘It won’t stop him trying though. Don’t worry about it. I’ll keep an eye on him. Besides, he did give us a lot to work with.’

  ‘Mmm. There are still plenty of unanswered questions though.’

  He glanced at me. ‘Why don’t we grab a drink somewhere and talk it all through?’

  ‘A drink?’ I asked. ‘Like a real drink? An alcoholic drink? The high and mighty Devil’s Advocate resorts to alcohol? I didn’t think a man like you would have any such vices.’

  Jasper’s eyes darkened to a smoky green. ‘You’d be surprised, Saffron. I’m no saint.’

  I smiled. ‘I’m pleased to hear it.’

  ***

  I took him to the Stagger Inn. It was a popular faery hang out, not to mention my local, so it would have been rude not to. When I walked in with Jasper right behind me, however, Harry’s eyes just about popped out on stalks. Perhaps coming here had been a mistake.

  ‘We can go somewhere else,’ I said to Jasper under my breath, as every single other faery in the dark pub turned towards him and stared.

  ‘Why?’ he asked. ‘Here seems as good as anywhere.’ He lifted up his chin and met every single stare with a hard-eyed gaze of his own. Everyone, apart from Harry, turned hastily away. ‘What would you like?’

  ‘Pint of Demon’s Ale, please,’ I said.

  ‘Coming right up.’

  I left Jasper to talk to the barman and get out drinks while I wandered over and joined Harry in the corner. I hadn’t even sat myself down when he leaned over and, in a stunned whisper, said, ‘Saffron! What the fuck is going on?’

  I smiled primly. ‘The Devil’s Advocate and I are working together.’

  ‘What?’ His whisper rose to a near shriek. ‘What do you mean you’re working together?’

  ‘We’re going to solve the kidnappings and save the day.’ I grinned. I was enjoying this.

  ‘Solve the…’ Harry shook his head. ‘I thought the Devil’s Advocate was one of the bastards who was setting you up as bait?’

  ‘Actually,’ I began.

  Jasper appeared, placing two pints down on the table in front of us. ‘Hi,’ he said.

  ‘This is Harry,’ I told him. ‘Harry, this is Ja…’

  ‘The Devil’s Advocate,’ Jasper interrupted, holding out his hand. Harry took it and both men shook. ‘Nice to meet you.’

  ‘Likewise,’ Harry muttered. He shot me another look and then took a sip of his drink. We all pretended not to notice the brief tremble in his hands as he raised his glass. Honestly, Jasper wasn’t that scary.

  ‘Harry,’ I said overly loudly, ‘did you know that if you introduce yourself as a faery when you first meet a human, and then later on you have to deal with them during the course of your job, memory magic doesn’t work?’

  Harry blinked at me. ‘Er, no.’

  I smiled, satisfied. ‘See?’ I said to Jasper.

  ‘Although,’ Harry added, ‘I’m a rainbow faery. I don’t deal with humans so it would never actually come up in my line of work.’

  Jasper raised an eyebrow in my direction. I coughed. ‘I think I’ve made my point regardless,’ I said.

  We all took another sip of our drinks, the awkward silence stretching out. Well, this wasn’t weird at all.

  Eventually, Harry put his drink down and straightened his shoulders. ‘So,’ he said, apparently now having had enough Dutch courage to address Jasper directly, ‘is Saffron’s life still in danger then?’

  Jasper looked mildly astonished. ‘I’m not sure it was ever in any real danger.’ He glanced at me and I shrugged.

  ‘I’ve told Harry everything that’s been going on,’ I said. ‘We don’t have any secrets.’

  ‘Apart from,’ Harry said, ‘the fact that I enjoy a little sado-masochism at weekends.’ He paused, his slight grin causing his eyes to dance. ‘Oops. Did I say that aloud?’

  I rolled my eyes. ‘Don’t mind him.’

  Jasper frowned. ‘You know I’ll have to put that in my report.’

  Harry instantly looked alarmed. Then he seemed to realise that Jasper was pulling his leg and relaxed once more. ‘Fill me in then,’ he commanded. ‘What’s been going on?’

  I quickly outlined the last day or two. Harry nodded, listening carefully without interrupting. This was one of the many reasons why I liked him. He knew when to keep quiet and pay attention. It was a surprisingly rare skill.

  ‘I’ve never heard of anyone called Bernard,’ he said, once I’d finished.

  Jasper took another drink. ‘There’s Bernard Wallace, a tooth faery who comes from Wales. He’s about sixty, however, and as thin as a rake. Even Saffron here would manage to best him in a fight.’

&
nbsp; ‘Oi!’ I punched him lightly in the arm. Harry looked horrified but I reckoned that Jasper was secretly delighted. He didn’t smite me on the spot anyway so I’d count that as delighted.

  ‘There’s also Bernard Moss,’ he continued. ‘But he’s fifteen years old and more concerned with girls than with anything else. Including studying for his luck faery exams.’

  ‘He probably doesn’t need to study,’ I mused. ‘Considering he’s about to become a luck faery.’

  Jasper gave me a look. ‘Everyone needs to study. Luck magic only extends to humans.’

  ‘I was making a joke,’ I told him.

  He snorted. ‘Not a very funny one.’

  I’d give him that. ‘So what’s our next move then?’

  ‘I’ll check out both Bernards just in case. I think it’s highly unlikely that either one of them is our man but it’s worth being sure even though our kidnapper must be using an alias.’ He tapped his long fingers on the table top. ‘What we really need to work out is how each victim was lured to St Clements Park in the first place. If we knew that then we’d be some way closer to finding out who’s behind all this. And rescuing those godmothers before anything worse happens to them.’

  Harry glanced at us both. ‘I’ve been thinking about that.’

  ‘Go on.’

  He fidgeted. ‘When did the first disappearance happen?’

  ‘Three months ago,’ Jasper answered, without missing a beat.

  ‘And all in that time, there’s been no communication from the kidnapper? No ransom notes? No letters? The ear that arrived this week has been the only thing?’

  He nodded. ‘Yes.’

  ‘So why now?’ Harry asked. ‘Why send a body part now after all this time?’

  ‘It’s obviously some kind of message,’ I said. ‘Maybe a ransom note is about to follow.’

  Harry scratched his head. ‘How many kidnappers do you know who wait three months, looking after their abductees for all that time, without getting in touch?’

  ‘I don’t know any kidnappers, Harry.’

  ‘You know what I mean.’

  Jasper’s expression was grim. ‘Lydia was the last one taken. It could be that the others are already dead and he’s changed tactics with her because killing is no longer enough.’