Finding Patience

by Eden Rose

  The benefit concert that I just performed at, is for the graduating seniors of the school I would have gone to if I hadn’t been home schooled. It’s weird to me see these kids stressing out about stupid things. All the things that I never had to stress out about.

  I didn’t have to worry about which classes I was in or the teachers… None of that. Which table to sit at during lunch. No, my schooling was spent at home where I could practice and focus on my singing and dancing.

  Sure, now that I have managed to bust my way through the barriers of stardom, I stopped singing opera and moved into pop. Call me a sell out if you want, but singing opera isn’t going to put food on the table for me and Alexa, my daughter.

  A daughter who looks so much like her father, it’s scary. The first time I held her in my arms, I cried. Well, for the obvious reasons like being a mom at seventeen. I cried harder because my baby won’t ever know her father. She won’t ever know the sweet and caring man who loved passionately.

  She was robbed of everything.

  “Patience! Over here! We need an exclusive interview!” A different reporter begs me.

  I shrug him off and continue to walk into my dressing room. Before I could step foot in there, my body guard, Rome, is dragging me out of there. “Hold on, let me do a sweep.”

  The larger than a mountain man, barges into the room and does a quick sweep while my other body guard is waiting with me. Both men are attractive with muscles and abs of steel. Both men are incredibly good looking with their dark mocha skin.

  It’s too bad they aren’t into women.

  Yep. My gorgeous body guards are actually married to each other. Go figure.

  “All set!” Rome calls from inside my room.

  “Patience! How do you feel about your performance? Does this mean you are going to be sticking around your hometown?” The persistent reporter yells at me.

  Taking a deep breath, I spin on my heels to face the reporters with mics and recorders thrust at me. “Thank you for your questions. As you can see, I’m a mess after performing for the past few hours. I have every intention of eating dinner and then tucking my daughter to bed. If you want an interview, please call my agent.”

  Not letting them get another word in, I shut the door behind me and Skin. My other body guard refused to tell me his real name and told me to call him Skin. It’s a ridiculous request, but they have been keeping me alive.

  Alexa comes running over to me with her brown hair in the tight curls I rolled her hair into this morning. “Mommy! Mommy! Guess what? Grandma and grandpa said I could spend the night!” She squeals.

  Suspicious of my parents, I look over to the left and see them lounging on the couch watching us. They are enjoying the prestige of having a child make it big, but they are not liking the fact that I got out of the opera game. The only way you could make money in that is if you were willing to move to Italy or France. I have a five year old daughter, there’s no way in hell I’m uprooting her life.

  “Really?” I question them with my eyebrow raised.

  My mother still looks as beautiful as always with her perfectly styled hair and makeup that is painted on her face. I guess some of the perks of having me as their daughter is the fact that she can get her hair done whenever she wants to.

  It became a tradition after every concert I do that they take Alexa with them. Normally, I’m okay with that but tonight… I want my daughter at home with me.

  “No, I don’t think so tonight, baby,” I tell my daughter.

  Her bottom lip pulls out in a pout and I almost laugh at her antics. She’s so cute! In the moments like this, this is when I miss Brett the most. I miss having him near me. He would have been an excellent father.

  Shaking myself out of my pity party, I look up to see my parents walking over to us.

  My dad places his hand on my shoulder and I drop my hands to my daughter’s head. My fingers sift through the strands of her hair only getting caught from the stickiness of the hairspray.

  “Patience, we want to take Alexa tonight. There’s nothing wrong with you going out and hanging out with your band. You only work and then stay at home. You’ve become a workaholic!”

  This is something new. My parents have been trying to boss me around even more now that I have made it big. One thing that they have told me numerous times is the fact that I need to be a responsible adult and not party.

  Rolling my eyes, I use my fingers to turn Alexa to look at me. “You be good, okay? You need to go get your teeth brushed and then go to bed. In the morning, you call me and I will come get you.”

  My mother smiles a peaceful smile at me. “Go on and enjoy yourself, sweetie. We’re going to be fine!”

  “Don’t forget that you have to do her bedtime routine or she won’t go to bed!” I remind them.

  My dad rolls his eyes and looks over at me as if I’m crazy. “We’re still doing that?” He demands.

  “Every night!” I reply by referring to my daughter’s new phobia.

  I kick my shoes off my feet and drop onto the couch that is in the room for me. One of my requests was for the couch to be cleaned before I came in here. I don’t want to know what happens in here with all the fucking groupies and rock stars.

  Alexa gives me a kiss on my cheek before running over to get her backpack and running out the door. She loves going to my parents’ house because they have a pool and horses now. Yeah, you heard me. My parents got Alexa two horses and a pony.

  Skin and Rome are looking at the camera feeds from my house in the corner of the room and I’m about to fall asleep. Performing takes a lot of you but it’s the dancing that makes me more tired.

  “Patience!” Someone yells from the door and that’s when it swings open.

  In comes my band. Cara is my backup vocalist and she’s been with me since day one. She’s also the one that tries to get me to go out more. I’m not surprised when she comes strolling in. “There’s a pile of hot guys out there that would give you their left nut if you wink at them!”

  I giggle with my eyes still half closed. “Merry Christmas!” I sing out to her and point at the guys in the hallway.

  “Get changed, P, we’re going to the afterhours party here!” Jerome encourages. He’s a couple years younger than me with wild eyes and gorgeous maple brown skin that makes me hungry every time I look at him.

  And no. I’m not the kind of pop star that fucks my whole band!

  Surprisingly, I have only been with two other guys since Brett. It’s a weird feeling being with someone when I still feel like I’m married. When is that supposed to die, anyway?

  Legally, I’m not married anymore but whenever I find a guy attractive, I feel like I’m cheating. It’s getting ridiculous but I can’t help it. Brett is gone and he’s never coming back… It doesn’t mean that I can’t hope he does.

  “All right! Let’s go!” I call out and grab my coat that’s hanging on the back of the couch.

  We are stuffed in my limo in a matter of minutes and then arriving at the after party minutes after that. Soon, I’m throwing back shots left and right. I’m dancing with my band and my fans but I can’t help but feel like someone’s watching me.

  I look behind me while I’m dancing on the table to see a shadow. I squint to see if I can make it out any better. Nothing. The shadow looks like a man but he’s standing as if he’s trying to hide from me. But then, he’s also trying to get me to see him.

  And that’s when I hear it.

  The voice of my dead husband.

  RABIES

  One of the good things about having the president marry a hacker, is the fact that I can con her into looking up Patience.

  It’s been three days since I saw her on television and I’m fighting with myself trying to figure out what the fuck to do. The woman disappeared off the face of the fucking earth! No one could find her when I needed her and she’s been here this whole time?

  Granted, not here here, but here in theory.

  She’s
so fucking close yet I can’t reach her.

  Pinky and The Bear have been fucking each other’s brains out for three days and now I need her. I need her to help me find out where Patience lives and if she’s married.

  Well, she is married…

  When coming into something like this, I have to explain some of the situation and it’s not something I want to do. I don’t want the brothers to know about Patience because then they will try to meet her or some shit.

  I want to be the one that talks to her first. Get all the answers to my questions that I have been wanting for five years. One of them would be, where the fuck has she been and why did she keep my daughter away from me.

  While I’m sitting on the chair next to Chantal waiting for her to look up some shit on Patience, I try hard to control my anger. I have always had a problem with anger and it’s gotten me in trouble plenty of times. Does it bother me that I have anger? Nope.

  “So, what’s the story with Patience Monroe-Booker?” Chantal asks me while digging her hand in a bowl full of trail mix.

  Her pink hair is tied up in this rats nest above her head but it’s fucking cuter than shit to watch her work. No wonder The Bear married her!

  “Uh, well…”

  She starts giggling and chews her mouthful of trail mix.

  “What?” I implore.

  “You act like I’m not a hacker or something. It’s cute, actually.”

  I take my fist and lightly tap it against her shoulder. She tilts to the side, laughing at me. “Smart ass. If you already knew, why ask?”

  Her fingers fly over the keyboard quickly and I watch as the screen is filled with photos of Patience and her daughter.

  My daughter.

  Our daughter.

  “Her kid is cute,” Chantal states.

  The kid is really cute and I wish I knew her. I wish I knew that I had a daughter because I would have been there for everything.

  The Patience that I knew from a few years ago, wouldn’t have kept something like this from me. She would have told me as soon as she knew that she was pregnant.

  I sit and watch all the pictures of the superstar Patience is now and I can’t help but feel… Resentment? I don’t know how else to explain it.

  “I need you to find out where she lives and if she lives in the area,” I instruct while staring into the eyes of my wife. “I need to know fucking everything.”

  Pinky jerks her head back to look at me. “Uh, it’s against girl code to give information to a girl’s stalker husband.”

  I place my hand on her shoulder. “It’s against the code of the brotherhood that you just married into, to withhold information.”

  Her lips are squeezed together. “Damn, when did you become so smart?”

  It’s my turn to chuckle. “For someone who claims to be a hacker, you didn’t do a very good job at finding shit out about me.”

  I’m referring to the G.I. Bill. While in active duty for four years, I also got to get a degree in business from one of the universities that caters to servicemen. Ever since I was a little kid, I have wanted to be in business for myself. Something about working for someone else, didn’t sit right with me.

  “Come on, I do have a life,” she exclaims.

  “Will you stop fuckin’ talkin’ and get what I want?”

  “I can do one better,” her finger taps on the screen of her laptop. “I can tell you where she is tonight.”

  “What the fuck? Do I need to start carryin’ in my own room?”

  Our heads jerk to see the face of my president and he’s got a scowl on his face. “You know that she would have rather had me than your bitch ass,” I taunt while getting up from the chair.

  Chantal laughs it off and The Bear tries to act like he’s pissed off at me. “Don’t make me fuck you up, man,” he growls.

  Throwing my hands up in the air, I walk past him but once I cross through the door, I stick my middle fingers up. “You wish you could, prez. I got some business to attend to!” I call out.

  I walk into my room to start getting ready for whatever tonight is going to hold. I need to know everything. Like why the fuck she didn’t come to me when she heard I came back or when I got hurt? What wife wouldn’t do that?

  There has to be a reason. We were in fucking love. Hell, I tattooed her name on my ribs.

  *

  Twenty minutes later, I’m ready to go and I’m driving myself fucking crazy. I contemplated bringing one of my brothers, but a lot of them have shit going on.

  Slice had to take The Kitty back over after Mack Truck died and it’s fucking hard. It’s hard walking into the club that he worked at.

  A little while ago, we lost Mack Truck and it’s been a long fucking road to get our club back to where we need to be. The problem? Everyone has secrets and shit they don’t want to tell the other brothers but those secrets are what keep us together.

  I say that but I’m a hypocrite. I’m the one who’s leaving the clubhouse to track down my wife.

  Pulling into the club’s parking lot, I park my bike and walk through the doors. How long has it been since I last came into a place like that? I can’t remember.

  I’ve never been a club goer or whatever those fuckers are called. I prefer to drive whiskey and beer with brothers and some hot bitches.

  “Name?” The bouncer asks me while walking over towards me. He stops me before I can walk around him. “Name?” he asks again.

  I smirk at him and then pull back my cut. Once he catches my Glock in his sight, he narrows his eyes at me. “My name doesn’t matter, man.” I reach into my cut pocket and fish out a hundo bill for him. Handing over to him, he grabs the bill out of my hand quickly.

  “We don’t allow gang violence in the establishments with Patience Monroe.”

  Walking past him, I put my cut back on and begin walking through the throngs of people. Everyone is here and it’s fucking insane. People are all lined up with Patience’s face all over their shirts and I can’t help but want one of these stupid tees. How fucking stupid is that?

  “Let’s give a warm welcome to the woman of the hour! Patience Monroe!” The deejay yells from the center of the room.

  My eyes are eagerly scanning the room trying to find her. Why does there have to be so many fucking blondes here? Why can’t there be some redheads or brunettes to make it easier on me?

  Trying to find my wife here!

  Instinctually, my eyes find her dancing with a group of people. Her body moves to the music and her hair flows around her body. She’s skinnier now than she has ever been and that pisses me off. She didn’t need to lose weight before.

  Now she’s too skinny.

  Don’t get me wrong, she’s still the most beautiful woman in the world, I just hate what this industry does to people.

  My eyes stay glued on her as I close the distance between us. Each person that gets in my way, is pushed aside without so much as an apology. Each person that’s in my way, is the enemy.

  Patience’s body twists and turns with the music that’s blasting through the speakers. “Patience!” I yell out when I’m close enough to her.

  She turns on her heels and stares right at me with a horrified look on her face. “Patience!” I yell again hoping to wake her up.

  Just when my hands are about to be on her little body, she collapses in front of me.

  Well, that didn’t go as planned.

  FIVE YEARS AGO: PATIENCE

  My period is late. It’s never late. Ever since I started having the damn thing, it’s been on the same schedule ever since then.

  Want to know the craziest thing? I’m not worried about it. I’m not worried or scared if I am pregnant because then that means that Brett and I are finally going to be a family when his contract is up.

  I could just imagine how happy he’s going to be when he finds out he’s going to be a father. His face is going to light up and I know he’s going to be thrilled.

  We haven’t talked a lot about what’s going t
o happen when he comes back from his tour, I just know that somehow, we are going to be together. I just know.

  Taking a deep breath, I pull the calendar back up on my phone to count the number of days I have been missing my period for. So far, we are at ten.

  That’s long enough to get a home pregnancy test and test it, right? I hope so because I can’t wait any longer!

  I throw some clothes on my body and run out of the house before my parents even wake up. They would kill me if they knew I were pregnant. Absolutely kill me!

  By the time I get to the store, my gut is warring against itself. Is this morning sickness? Is that how it feels to have it? Ohmigod! I’m pregnant!

  It has to be.

  I walk through the aisles of the drug store until I’m face to face with the one that I’m looking for. Right next to the condoms, lubrications and other weird stuff is the pregnancy tests.

  Is there a right one to get? Is that such a thing?

  “Excuse me? Do you need help?”

  I spin to see a middle aged woman standing behind me wearing a pharmaceutical coat. She’s got a nice smile and kind eyes.

  Clearing my throat, not even realizing how dry it is until this moment, I begin to stutter out what I’m looking for. Shit! This is the first time that I have said what I think out loud.

  “I’m looking for, uh, pregnancy tests…” I whisper.

  Now that I have said it out loud, it feels real. It felt real this morning, but it’s different to hear it out loud and coming from my mouth.

  She looks at me with a practiced smile that tells me I’m not the first teenager who has found herself in this section. I want to tell her that I’m married and my child is wanted. I want to tell her all of that but no one knows!

  “Right here, dear,” she responds while pointing at the boxes. “Or, do you need help picking the right one?”

  Am I that obvious?

  I nod my head anxiously and wait while she explains every different box and which ones are the most trusted. Personally, I don’t care which one I get. I just want to make sure it’s a good company.

  “How far along do you think you are?”