Darkness

by F. Bradshaw

  “Avoiding someone?”

  “Yeah, the bitch, Jane.”

  “Well, we have something in common then.”

  “You’re not a fan either? Well, I guess I am not surprised. She is a world-class one. So what kind of freak did you turn into?”

  “Well, they are not giving it a name, but I am pretty sure, with my symptoms, you can’t call it anything else.”

  “What are the symptoms?”

  “Let’s start with pale, very pale. Black eyes. Not in the way of someone bruising them but in the way that they are black instead of the brown they used to be. Almost no heartbeat, lust for blood, new teeth complete with fangs and cold.” I could not believe I was saying this.

  “Ahh, so you’re a vampire. Well, then, we will not make good friends.”

  “Why is that?”

  “Oh, cuz I am a werewolf and you know how comics go. We are natural enemies.”

  “I think that the comics have some of this wrong.”

  “Really? Why?”

  “My heart still beats ever once in a while so I can’t be fully dead.” But was I even alive?

  “Yeah, maybe. Well, you’re the only one I have to talk to in here, so why not start with friends and see where it goes from there. Although, I must warn you, I might have to kill you some day.

  “The same can be said about you. So where do we go from here?”

  “Anywhere you choose. I would think that we need to get out of here…” He cut off mid-sentence.

  “Hello?” Nothing answered me. Was he real? Did we really have a conversation? I sat in the corner with my arms wrapped around my legs. I needed to hold this together. I needed to stay sane. I am sane. I am sane! I am sane?

  The room was the same day in and day out. Matt did not speak to me again. I was alone again. Everything was about blood. I needed it. It did not matter what they did to me. I wanted it to end. Time kept moving forward, but I had no sense of it. I needed to be free from the slow unending dying. I longed to be quickened by anything. I would do anything for it. “Anything!” I screamed out.

  “Emily? What is going on in there?”

  He heard me? Someone heard me? “Nothing Ryan. Nothing.”

  “We are moving out of here. They have secured a ranch just outside of the city limits, and we will be moving there tomorrow.” We? We who? You and your Barbie? The guards and me?

  “What do you mean moving?” What was this test? I knew what they wanted; bite a human and then a new test subject, maybe one they could better control.

  “Well, if you are ever going to be allowed to go free, we have to make sure you are not dangerous to humans.”

  Free? What did he think? That I was born yesterday? There was more to this than just possible freedom. I know I am worth too much and know too much to be let loose. His voice had not shown me anything. There were two Ryan’s—one, full of fire and passion, which I think genuinely cared about me, and the other, who was void of anything. This was the void Ryan.

  Chapter 7

  They had not broken me in all the time I had been here. I was not going to kill anyone. What did they think… let me out into the world, and I would kill a human? They kept Ryan always near as some sort of trial. It was hard not to tell that I was attracted to him. The only thing I did try to hide was how much I wanted to open his veins. I had daydreams that are more interesting these days. His neck as the vein pulsed, listening to the heart rate beat by beat. Its rhythmic dance teasing and toying with me.

  I often found myself pulling in and drawing near me each time he came in. I will not drink humans. I will not drink humans. I fought against the natural intense need to feel his flesh between my teeth, and the warm blood filling my mouth. If I did kill a human, then it would be done. There would be no mortality left. The Emily I am would be gone. What would I become?

  Blood filled the bowl, like a morning breakfast—only minus the Frosted Flakes. Cold blood tastes bad as it is rough and abrasive. Would today be sheep or cow? I do appreciate a well-aged piece of meat. The aged was always intoxicating. This was a cow, maybe two and a half years. I prefer when they give me organic as it smells less human. I was not going to tell them that, though. The lights never turned out heat that burned into me. I miss the darkness. The quiet escape it provides.

  A house? How many chains would they use? The world outside of here was a dream that would not come true. It could not. I was a monster. There was no one to save me. I had been alone except for a cat since they died. The silence that filled the empty voids of the house filled my hollow soul. I had a family in that house again. No more second chances. They were all gone, and now I was. I am cursed. Damned.

  What would that look like? Ryan sitting across the dinner table while I drank blood, and he eats? I would rather starve than eat with anyone because of too much risk. Even if I were damned, no one else needed to be. The never-ending lust for blood consumed me, but just did not control me yet. So far, I had won, but in that situation who knows.

  I finished my blood and walked around the room. It was my normal habit. A trapped animal in a cage and put on display. Waiting on what they will do next. I could smell him and the others just outside the door. Their blood singing in a harmonious tone—drink me, drink me.

  “Forgive me. Everything will be ok. You will never be alone. I will find you.”

  I heard him! Matt was alive. I am not crazy. I am not crazy! The door opened. I could see it in his hands when he opened the door the injection. Instinctively showed my teeth and let go of a hiss. Ryan’s green dead eyes shot me the look of shut-up or go nowhere. Fight or let go? Was letting go still a way to fight? I sat down lifted my head to the side, and they quickly injected me. It worked quicker going through my neck.

  I could not move from this drug, but I was awake. My mind wandered off, and I let the memory of cool air and roses fill me. Something always pulled me when they shot me up. I swear sometimes I felt as though someone was trying to grab on to me. Matt? Did we have a connection? I knew nothing about him but maybe that is why I could hear him. Was he alive still? What did they do to him? Where had he gone? Would he come back?

  The van rumbled to life and moved out. The gurney I was strapped to slide back a bit as they hit the accelerator. Could I escape? I wanted to move, but nothing worked. The ride was not that long, but the injection lasted until they got me inside. Five strong strapping men full of pulsating blood. Each heart beat calling out to me. The pull was there still in the back of my mind. It was like having something on the tip of your tongue and not being able to say it. Was it Matt I was trying to say?

  Ryan looked a bit at ease being outside of the institution where they had me. His eyes were the Ryan I had missed. I imagine this was playing house for him, to see how long it would take before they could break me. How long it would be before I ripped off Barbie or Ken’s head. I was not going to break. I am going to have a will of iron. I will not drink from a human now or ever! Please let that be true.

  Thump, Thump, Thump his heartbeat so close to me. The rush of scent wafted over me. Oh, thank god for the drugs! I wanted him, his blood. The need was always there just under the skin. Every part of me wanted to rip through my skin to his. He had not been so close in all this time. No one ever could get this close. His hand was slow as it moved against my chest and arms releasing the strap.

  Ryan’s warm fingers sliding just under the buckle just past my heart thump. I felt it! I felt my heart. Had it been dormant all this time? I felt a rush of cold over my face. It was a wake-up call. I was not human, and I would not stop at just a smell. Death still clung to me waiting for its turn.

  He released me from the gurney and left the room. The lights went out. Darkness. I was finally in darkness. Peace truly filled me. The edge was taken off. I felt renewed at this, the darkness covering the room. The weight was lifted, and I easily relaxed. The hunger cooled leaving me without the deep desire that had been undeniable.

  It felt like taking my first breath aft
er drowning. There were no cameras and no chains in here. The door had a lock, but it locked from the inside. The smell hinted me to come to the corner of the room. Sweet, delicious smell rushing the cool blood to my motionless heart. Blood, its sweet warm fragrance called me. I quickly found the cooler with blood.

  The blood was still warm. The fridge had not taken its warmth. I bit into the pouch, fresh lamb. The blood was only a few hours old. This was a fine lamb, young and healthy. The fragrance and taste incomparable to anything I as a human ever tasted. I was not sure if it was that good or the fact that this feeding was private.

  I had no one watching my every move, and as far as I knew, no one was going to make me stop. The warmth spread through my body. This was chocolate sweet, velvety and soft. The blood was filled with so much complexity there was no good description. The needs and desires were simple. I needed the blood, but why did it have to taste so good.

  I could not stop at one bag. I drank all of them dry. The empty plastic filled the waste bin. Was it my hunger or fear? It was more fear than hunger. I had not looked around the room very much. It was large with all the normal things a small apartment would have. I knew it was the size of the upstairs house’s ground floor.

  Bed. There was a bed. I had not slept in one since home. Jessie. What had become of my girl? Hopefully Jessie escaped like a good cat. I could feel the water climbing in my eyes as I thought about what had become of her. Tears. I had tears. When I touched my face to wipe them, I found only my black blood. I guess I am no longer water based.

  The warmth of the blood already faded in my veins. The hunger had not returned, but I was cold. I lay on the bed. It was a soft comfort as my mind wandered off. Sleep was not something I was prepared to do anytime soon. Could I sleep? I needed to get out of here and far away from people. Lying on the bed feeling its gentle support against my frame struck me as odd. I was used to solid, unmoving concrete.

  The soft green pillows smelled like the plastic they had just come from. The bed had been made straight from the bag. I could hear people walking and moving things. I closed my eyes attempting to escape the last of them. The peace only reminded me of the loss. Jessie? Matt? Me?

  Chapter 8

  “Knock, Knock” Quiet tapping, but it filled the silence like an explosion. Temptation was knocking, literally. Keep cool. The knock came again. What was he waiting for an invitation? Maybe for once he was.

  “Come in I did not lock the door.” I yelled hoping he would hear, and I would not have to move. The door opened slowly with a gentle creak.

  “I can’t see anything can I turn on the lights?” His voice was meek and cautious.

  “Go ahead, I really don’t care.” I did care, but Ryan did not need to know the truth.

  The lights flooded the room with soft light, bright and unwelcome. I liked the dark for a reason. My eyes adjusted quickly as they had been well trained.

  “I came to check on you. I was not sure if the drugs had worn off yet.” I met his eyes shifting to my elbows as he bent down the stairs to look at me. His body shifted slowly down the steps just enough to look directly at me.

  “They did a while ago. What are you here for?” My tone was clipped and short. His eyes looked past me for a moment. He could see the full waste bin. Part of me wished I had hid the bags. I felt like a child trying to hide the Halloween candy before the parents could toss it all. Ryan let out a quick breath shifting his body to a more relaxed position leaning against the wall behind him.

  “I am just checking on you. I wanted to make sure everything was good. You had not come upstairs yet. I was not sure if you planned on staying down here all night.” His voice caught me off guard. The tone was lighter as if he expected me to jump at the chance to get out. Did he expect me to run? Maybe I just needed to see the world. Was it real anymore? What was the dream?

  “I assumed this is my part of the house and that I was supposed to stay down here.” I snapped back. Were there rules here? Or would this just be another battlefield.

  “No, you are free through the house and outside to the fence. The fence is something someone like you can’t cross.” Ryan stood straighter and moved closer to me. The scent of him and the sound of his smooth, even heartbeat took me by surprise. I was not hungry yet, but I wanted him. Desire flooded back into me. I wanted more than just his blood I wanted him.

  Moving without thought, I was next to him on the last step breathing him. The smell of aftershave, wet dirt and what was just naturally him filled my senses kicking them into overdrive. I wanted to taste his skin. I wanted to taste him. I felt him brace himself against the railing. Ryan’s body invited me closer to him leaning toward me.

  His eyes were different. The shade was not something I had seen. Was this look the look of disgust for what I might do, or was there something more? Did he want me as much as I wanted him? His hand reached down to mine. Do not bite humans! Do not do anything with humans! He is bad all bad. I tried to fight my instincts, but they were winning. His index finger moved down my wrist to my hand. He was so warm and so tempting. I knew what I wanted, and maybe he did too. Giving in would be the easy thing to do.

  I moved closer to him, the space between us almost non-existent. I could feel the warmth of his body radiating from him. I desired him. His heartbeat quickened to a steady hum. His hand covered mine, and our fingers interlaced. His eyes were transfixed with mine unable to move. We were connected by an invisible cord that wrapped around us sealing us together.

  I wanted him and everything he was. Feelings of belonging to someone were like hands reaching around me. Feeling as if I had a place that I was not alone filled me. His hand moved up my arm searing my flesh with lust. I wanted to stay. All I wanted to do was just stay with him, with anyone who would take me.

  “You are the most worthless piece of shit. I should have gotten rid of you a long time ago. You destroyed everything! I should have quit when I was ahead with your sister. At least she has something to offer to this world. Well, she did until you fucked it up!”

  Her voice snapped me out of what I was going to do. The bitch that was my mother still had claws sunk deep in me. I recoiled to the other side of the room before he could make a move. It was that feeling. The feeling of belonging some place was too tempting. I wanted him, but he was human. I would kill him. He would turn out just like everything else. Nothing and no one could be with this monster. I looked to the mirror on the dresser. I looked like what I always was. One touch. Was I so stupid? Silence filled the room, and ice ran through my veins.

  “It’s ok. I, we would have been fine. You did not have to stop.” His voice did not sound reassuring. What did he think I was? A little puppy that was just going to nip at him but shoo away when he said to stop that?

  “You are human, and I would have killed you.” I wanted to stay in his arms, but I was going to lose whatever I had left of me. I tried to sound cold. I had to be cold and except what I was.

  “No, I trust you. I know you. We can-”

  “NO, you are human with a beating heart. This will not happen, and I will not give in!” I was harsh in my tone to him as though I was scolding him. Part of me was.

  Temptation’s name is Ryan. Every part of me would have given anything to have him just once. I crossed my arms and turned my body away from him. The tears of remembering my mother and her last words to me hung in the air between us. He made no further pleas. The moment had passed. He walked up the stairs with his back to me and shoulders hunched over. I needed to see the outside world, to feel it. Breath swept in quickly. I needed just to move. My feet complied and moved up the stairs.

  Chapter 9

  The door a soft almond color like all things they had. Never white, always hiding the truth that this was not warm and friendly. I feared that I might break the handle with the force of my hand. The locks were only on the inside. I slid the locks closed and checked them. They worked. I unlocked and opened the door.

  The men stood from the dining room ta
ble as though a general came in. Their eyes followed my fluid moments. Ryan was not there. I could smell him down the hall. Darkness gleamed at me from the window next to the door. Darkness. It was night. Quickly I moved to the door unable to contain or suppress my excitement.

  I flung it open no caring for the force exerted. It slammed into the wall leaving an impression. A rush of wind hit my face. The breeze was gentle and firm. The smells swept around me. Hundreds of heartbeats humming and buzzing like a great symphony. My senses ran amok. The taste the breeze was like nothing before. I could hear the flapping wings of the fireflies.

  I moved onto the grass looking at them. Grass brushed passed my legs and feet like ribbons from presents. It was lush, overgrown, and thick. Dampness clung to its blades. The world smelled like freedom. The past and everything fell away. The world shifted from what was normal to what I remembered of my old life. The air tasted like autumn of dry leaves, damp coolness, and fading warmth.

  I ran as far and as fast as I could. Twigs snap beneath my feet and leaves crunched. World blended into itself. The heartbeats quickened, and everything felt like a whirlwind swirling around me. Trees felt as though they swayed away from me. Did they feel me? Did they know what I was? Would I ever be able to say it, say it aloud? Could I mouth the word?

  The smell of everything I hated hit me as if punched in the stomach. There was the fence. My feet dug into the earth to a sudden and complete stop. Just on the other side was real freedom. I could see it and smell it. The smell washed over me turning my stomach and reminding me freedom was unattainable.

  The drug, it covered the fence. The ground was filled, with it and the air stunk of it. Anger engulfed me, and all I could do was scream. I was still caged. Only now, I knew what the outside felt like. Still no freedom to be found. I wanted my old life back.

  Nothing could have brought them back, but I still wanted it. The acceptance and love they had given me. They loved me even knowing the lie. Even knowing the monster I was. Roaring engines and sputtering motors told me they found me. Spotlights transfixed on me. Tonight they hunted me, but soon I would be hunting them.