by F. Bradshaw
Chapter 18
“God damn you fucking monster! Let him go!” Snapping into the present, I realized that I was still drinking Ryan, and Jake was trying to pull me off. A jab in the back and I knew the feeling. The drug pulled me from him stilling my body. Ryan had seen me before, and I may have just killed him for the truth. I could feel my cold blood running down my face as they pulled my body off his. Did they really need to hit me that hard? Of course, they did. How else would they remind me that I am still a monster?
I was not the girl he remembered. It had been five years since that day. Well, from when I entered into this mad world of monsters, it was five years. Ryan said nothing. The others grabbed a sheet, wrapped my body, and pulled me from the room. I felt the thud of the floor, and I expected them to drag me down the steps, too, but they picked me up before taking me downstairs. The three of them looked at me before shifting their glances and racing out of the room. The room and everything faded from me with the blackness from the drug taking control.
I awoke from the stillness of the drugs. The hunger hit me but not like before. I needed to eat before it became like that again. I had not been able to control myself. Ryan’s memories still lingered in my mind. I may have killed him, and I did not know what that would really mean. Was that what they wanted? How did I not control myself? Why had he not stopped me? Did he have a death wish?
I could not pretend I was human anymore. It was time I acted as the monster I had become. I had to let the darkness in and take control. There could be no more human Emily. She was dead and had been for months, years. I had to survive as the monster. I am meant for one purpose, and that is only death. Ryan and I could not end up like that again. If we did, I would kill him, and I don’t know if I would be sad. I felt no remorse for what I had done. He would have to be repulsed by me. He would have to learn to look at me with fear. He would have to hate me. I got up from the bed. I was still alive with his energy. His life still moved in my veins. I put on some fresh clothes not really caring what I wore. Jeans and a t-shirt and some cotton underwear.
No sounds came from his room. I could not hear his heart. Maybe I really had killed him. What would I do then? Could I do anything? I moved from the room up the stairs. When I opened the door, no one was there. I opened the door to the outside world. Darkness greeted me. Thankfully, night was here. I almost went to his room, but what would I do then? Outside, they stood looking at me. Nothing from them but masks of hatred showed. I must have hurt him or killed him. Ryan stepped from them into my path. His eyes were tired and hollow. I did that to him. I almost killed him.
“Emily, I didn’t think you would be up yet. It has only been a few hours.”
“Who cares? I am hungry. See you later.” I started to walk past him, and he reached out his hand attempting to talk to me.
“Wait, we need to talk. I need to talk to you.”
“Nothing to say.” I could not face him just yet. He was alive but for how long? I wanted answers, and now I knew how to get them. I could take the truth from anyone. He would be open to me completely. Too close. This was getting too close. I was getting too close. Death would follow me soon enough; it never fails.
My shoulder hit his as I pushed past him walking at a normal speed. I licked my lips at the boys. All but Jake faltered. Their bodies were tense as though waiting to hear something. I hissed and showed my teeth. They backed away instinctively. His scent encased my body. I wanted to rip my flesh off. I wanted it to go away. I needed him to go away. I needed him to be just food. He is nothing but food. He is nothing but food. Maybe if I say it enough it will be true. I walked into the fields not looking for anything but an escape. I needed to get rid of him, his smell, and his memory.
I needed to breathe through the truth. Ryan knew who I was. How much did he know? Did he know about Ash or just them? Did he know about what I did? I turned my arm toward me to reveal the scars on the inside of my arm were gone. I am worthless… that is what my mother always said. Why did they have to save me? Why was I such a coward?
“Emily, talk it through. You know this is not helping. We are here for you, but you need to stop. Remember what we talked about. If you keep doing this, we will have to send you away. We want more for you.” Her voice still sounded soft, warm, and caring even, long after she was passed being able to help me. My grandma had pulled me back from the edge then. Why did she even bother? It was my fault. If I had never moved there, or a million other ‘what ifs’, the outcome would have been different. I would not have caused them to die just like everyone else. Memories were always the knives I cut myself on. Why should now be any different?
I picked up a sharp rock and slashed it back and forth over my skin. I knew the release would come. The pain from the cuts always made everything better. My grandma had been wrong about this. I could not escape what I always was… a monster. I just kept hurting people no matter my choice. This was the only way I could make the pain mine.
The warmth and energy I had stolen from Ryan slipped drop by drop from the cuts. I needed him out of me and away from me. I would just do what I have always done… hurt and kill the ones I love. I needed him to be gone. I could still feel his arms wrapped around me. I needed it to stop. I needed the memories to be replaced.
The flesh opened easier than I expected. Pain spiraled from my arm through me like a slow moving ice storm. It cut and tore into me leaving nothing. The skin peeled off slowly as I motioned back and forth with the rock cutting deeper each time. I needed to feel pain. Monsters only hurt. I had to strip away human Emily. I had to rid myself of my once held dreams. Each memory needed to be cut from me. I needed to remember only pain.
Pain was all I was good at causing and creating. The black blood drained from me leaving a cold lifelessness in its wake. Nothing but the darkness in me could remain. The mortal human, warm girl had to be gone. She had to be dead. What could be left? Whom would I become? Who had I already become?
The world seemed to haze and move, all on its own. I fell back against the grass into the pool of darkness. The sky crackled and charged on with the storm. It was not until I lay down that I even noticed it. I felt the memory washing back into me. I used to love storms and rain. It made everything alive. I was alive. Damn Ash for taking them from me. For staining the only good memories, I had with my mom and her. I looked to my right half expecting that it was still that night. I wanted to have a do-over.
“One one-thousand, two one-thousand, three one-thousand…” Crackling boom as the sky met my counting. “Three miles away.”
“Emily, why do you always have to be out here?” Ash called out to me with her sickly sweet voice.
“It is a storm, and you know I will be out here. Who knows… maybe I will get pulled away to OZ.”
“God, you are so stupid at times. That place is not real. Look, I need you to cover for me.”
“Ash, I can’t this time. This is going to be the best storm, and you can’t be out. Remember the last time you were trashed, I got my ass busted because you drunk drove your friends. I know what party is tonight and no fucking way. I won’t let you kill anyone.”
Her face contorted showing how she really was. Her eyes darkened like the storm. She and I looked so different. Her blond bob hair, petite frame, and blue eyes filled the small frame body. She was nothing like me and never had been. She was a cruel vapid bitch.
“Look, I will fucking call this time. I just need to get away from her. Just fucking be my sister and take my side. You know this is just a prison, and she will only let me go for her approved things. I need this night off. Look, I will help you with whatever you want.” Whatever I wanted was her life. I wanted to be her for just one day. What a fucking joke. She would leave no matter my choice. If she called, then she would be safe.
“You are such a manipulate bitch. You call, and I will pick you up. No driving after having even one drink. Otherwise, mom will pick you up.” She walked past me without even a goodbye. Typical of her and damn her to hell. I already
lived there.
The rain dragged me to the present. Ryan tried to steady himself as he walked into view. I left the rock in my hand and the blood flowing. Why could he just not stay away?
Chapter 19
“Emily, can we talk?”
“I am busy and still hunting. Just go the fuck away.” I quickly said it in a hard tone. I did not want to give him a moment to change me back. Back to thinking the way human Emily would have.
“Emily, what is this all about? You did not hurt me last night and everything was fine.” His voice was a little frantic, but the new me, the monster, could take it.
“Ryan, it was fine for you as you don’t see me as food. I was drugged and weak. That will not happen again. You are nothing but food who talks back. Right now, I intend to get some food, and unless you want to volunteer for the menu, you can get the fuck out of my way.”
I was as cold as I could be without him seeing through me. I stood letting the rock hit the ground. My eyes locked on his and the solid stable green looked into me. I can do this. I can be the monster. “And if you thought something was going to happen, you were mistaken. I am just not into weak and pathetic boys like you.”
The beats slowed as he took in air. He looked at me for some sort of weakness. He wanted to find the lie. I had succeeded, unfortunately, in hurting him. It had to be done. I could see someone standing off to the right. It was Jake. He wiped his hands on an old rag. I approached him at a normal human pace. He stood there without moving. Did he think he was on the menu? I could see a glimpse of fear hiding there in his eyes.
“I still have not gotten my dinner yet. Are we all stocked up, Jake?” He cleared his throat quickly not wanting to draw my attention there.
“Um, yeah, they brought in some fresh ones this morning. Should I order some more?” I licked my teeth. His eyes flashed at my body position. I knew he was trying to see if he would be the next meal. Could I really say I would not kill a human? The taste was seductive.
“No, I think we will be ok for a bit. Although, who really knows what will be on my menu. Don’t think I forgot the blow.” The look on his face changed. Did he think I was going to get closer to Ryan? Let him think what he wants. I walked off at my normal pace. I could hear his heart as it beat a little faster. He knew he had come close to death. I needed some food if I were going to continue to torture Ryan.
He had to get a good look at the monster I am. I had to show him what it was to be like me. Blood was thick in the air. I had killed a lot. The ground drank the blood, but the smell permeated the area. Flies flew around the area looking for dead things but found nothing. The cows were unsettled by me. They did not run exactly but moved from me. I took the first one. The cold warmth filled me. It was nothing like drinking Ryan’s blood. The cow was missing something I wanted, something I needed.
I tore open the cow. There was no need to be delicate or easy. I gave the cow only a little bit of venom, enough to keep it from crying out to the others loudly, but not enough to daze it out. Slowly I drained it, taking in its life. I did not realize how easy it was to control my hunger. The blood ran down from my mouth a bit confirming it was delicious. It was like a well-aged piece of steak, tender and succulent. It fell to its knees from being weak. I bit down harder giving it the venom it needed to find peace. The taste of Ryan slipped back into my mouth. His memories attached themselves to the blood. I wanted more. No lies.
The moon caught my eye for a moment as it reflected off the pools of blood. It is so easy to think it, to speak it, but to do it? I made rules so that I could be something more. What more can you ask of a killer? Even in the darkness, I could see the red stain that covered its beautiful reflection. That is what I am. I am the stain, always the darkness even before the physical change. I dug my nails back into my arm across the cuts. Pain. Its sweet release progressed in me. The feeling came across me again. Quickly, I searched the darkness for someone.
“Emily.” The disembodied voice called to me. Nothing was there in the darkness but the cows. Nothing. There was no one there. Something was calling to me. Tinges of obedience and rebellion crept into me. Panic arose in my body. Someone was watching me. My muscles tensed. Who was this?
Something changed in the air like rain in hot, dry heat. It crossed over the corpses and burned into me with a smell from my memory. I knew the smell, but this was more. What was the smell? Everything about it drew me in. Something was so close, and it was deep within me. My blood soaked fingers dripped with the smell. It was part of me. Everything about this night was feeling distant. A pull to this crept across me. I licked my fingers taking in the death they held. The blood held nothing in it, but someones did. Somewhere, the truth was beating in their body. I did not hear him walk up.
“Emily, we need to talk.” Ryan’s hand on my shoulder broke the trance. Warmth rolled off him trying to invade me.
“There is nothing to talk about, Ryan. You are HUMAN. I am a vampire. Enough said.” The world was still as if we were in the eye of a storm. The feelings washed back into me like the tide. I wanted to curl into his waiting embrace, but what would that leave? He was human, and I liked drinking him. My mouth dripped with desire.
“No, we have everything to talk about. You did not kill me last night. There was no permanent damage. Yes, I am human, but we are connected. Everything draws us back together. Do you think you are going to scare me off? Look, I know what you are going through. I have seen it before. Everything you feel is magnified by a thousand. You get angry, and it is pure rage. Look, I need to talk to you about some-”
“Ryan, listen, I am a vampire, and I am going to kill you or someone else. Can you live with the death of someone else on your mind because you pushed too far? You don’t know me. You and I may have a connection, but you and I don’t know each other. I was a killer before you ever met me. I took dreams and broke lives. There are things I can never tell you. At the end of the day, I can’t be with you. You are just addicted. I must have done something the first time I bit you.” I had already considered it. I knew that he could only want me because I did it to him. I bit him in the transition stage, and now he felt for me. Both of us idealized the other, he for his humanity and me as a drug.
“You won’t kill anyone. I know you can restrain yourself. You have been doing it since this whole thing started. You never once tried to kill anyone for blood. I will prove it to you! I am not what you think. I am not an addict looking for a fix of you for your blood. If I need a fix, it is because I love you. We have all done things in our past that we are not proud. Trust is just the start. I know you better than you think. Just give me a day to prove it.” I wanted to speak out, but his face was full of desperation and fear. What was he fearful of? He went to kiss me, but I pulled away. I could not be sucked into him again. I just turned away from him. No one could love me. If they did, they would only hate me or die. There had never been another option.
I am going to have to take it all the way, do something he cannot ignore. Debating would get us nowhere. He was not going to listen to me or my warning. I kept my back to him as I took off. Moving in the darkness gave me freedom. The weather was changing. I could feel the electricity gathering. There was a storm on its way, a big one. The blood soaked moon was an image that haunted me.
It reminded me of the way the water looked through the broken window of the car. The red blood spread across the window covering the blue of the river. The cracks were veins of the car, and now they dripped with blood… my blood and hers. A little further and the water would finish us. The rain hit my body as I moved deeper into the woods. Everything in me was breaking just as it did that night.
Chapter 20
Wet grassy steps stocked off toward the house. He just needed to be away from me. Maybe they would get their wish after all. If I killed, then I proved them right that I was a monster. If I did not, it would only give Ryan more hope to cling to that he would not end up as my happy meal. What would be the toy inside? I grabbed onto my arm
s. Stop thinking about him.
The blood rushed to fill the crevices between my fingers. I moved my thumbs up and down playing with the blood. It moved back and forth like one of those stress balls that you squeeze to relieve tension. The memory of pain was all I had. I did not feel anything, but thick liquid moving just below the healed skin. Even in the darkness, all I could see was the blackness. It was my darkness showing. It was lying in wait just below the surface. Waiting to claim its first victim—him or me?
I could not help but to run. I needed to breakaway. I needed to just forget everything. His memories and mine just needed to die. The electric charge still looming in the air seemed to only speed me along. I could feel it with every part of my body. This is what I was missing. I had nothing running in my body like this. I was dead.
Electricity, the feeling of it in my blood was missing. How am I what I am with nothing? So many questions that no one could or would answer without the blood. Why did I want to go back to Hell so bad? Memories collided into me. The smells of plastic, metal, and dead blood filled every part of me.
Bright blinding light covered everything. The thirst crept up the back of my throat. The room was the same as it always had been. A large white plastic bucket sat under a faucet with a metallic blood dripping ever so slowly from it. Nothing but white and the metal faucet with dirty brown dead blood. The hunger in my chest screaming to me to do whatever it takes to get blood. Brown and black stained scrubs clung to my body from the dried blood.
The lights beamed relentlessly down on me. No darkness here. My fingers caked in dried blood half licked off, and half rancid. The brown gunk, which was once savory blood, jammed under my nails. The room smelled like death. It was not just my rotting body, but also all the things that were dead. I could smell the dank half-dead blood just waiting to fill my bucket. What was the real thing? This… This hollowed moment where I am forever trapped in Hell or was I really free?
