Darkness

by F. Bradshaw

  Those were the memories I needed to keep. They were the reminder that Hell awaited my return. The truth of them would have to comfort me. I am a monster and Hell is real. I won’t be stripped of everything again. I did not fight for my life, but I was going to fight to keep whatever life I have. Ryan is and will remain human. I will not let him be like me. That is what matters. He will be alive and growing old. I clenched my wrist unthinkingly. The memory of his thumb pulsating as it moved back and forth. I wanted to rip my skin off.

  I reached for anything sharp I could find. A rock was all I found. I cut open my arm again. The blood and pain renewed the air. I must think and feel only pain when it comes to him. “I cannot…. I cannot…” Why could I not say it? The word caught in my throat unable to move. If only I could cut my heart away. Pain, destruction, and death would be the only things I could ever feel and do. The sun, although hid by clouds, scraped its warmth across me. Feed or sleep? I was already neck deep in death, so maybe sleep would be better.

  I walked back to the ranch to make this work. The renewed wound on my arm was full of black blood. I liked the look. It was the darkness just below the skin. It was the mark of the monster waiting to get out. Walking past the hands quarters, I could smell the alcohol and cigarettes. When humans are nervous or threatened, they always choose self-destruction.

  I am not that different, I guess. I chose to cut away the pieces of me that are memories of good things. Cutting reminds me that I am not like them. I can’t be like them. I could see their lives so clearly. The pulsating bodies called my name. Damn it, I wanted their blood, not as much as Ryan’s blood, but to taste their life. To taste their blood was to know their truths… no secrets, no lies.

  For now, they are safe. I am the darkness at the edge of the house. I am the thing waiting just outside of view to bring pain. They are safe, as they know to fear the dark, to fear me. Ryan would be like them soon. I stopped watching them and moved on to walking back to the house. I could hear him yelling at someone. Maybe it was Jane. Her, I don’t think I would mind killing. I never liked her clacking shoes.

  He paced back and forth in the house from room to room. “Baaa” called out to me. I could hear the sheep. They had moved them closer to the house. I made their skin crawl, and they could smell the blood dried on my skin. Its blackness did not smell human, and neither did I. I opened the back door quietly to find peace from everything. I just needed some sleep. Maybe it would bring me perspective.

  “She is the one I am asking for! I don’t need...” Ryan’s voice trailed off. Why did he not say who it was? “Emily, you’re back so soon.” Silence was on the other end. I could hear breathing. I knew that breathing anywhere. She had been the one that did this to me. I grabbed for the phone, but Ryan dodged the grab. Did he think he could keep something from me? I could just take it from him. That was what he wanted earlier.

  “Give me the phone, Ryan.” I said it in a cold voice. Then her voice spoke up.

  “Go ahead and give it to her.” Granny Heart. I may be dead and sound cold, but I don’t compare to her. His face showed protest, but he handed me the phone.

  “Is he not keeping you occupied? I would have thought when you called out his name that you would want him of all people. Death can be so telling. It is the one moment where no one can lie.” I could feel the rage building.

  When I died, she had been there. It was the one moment I wanted no one to know about. I wanted to smash the phone into the ground. I had let myself get sucked into all the things here. There were bigger fish to fry. I would not be the stupid lamb waiting to be given everything. Two could play her game.

  “Actually, no. He is no challenge and is so weak. I could play with him a bit more, but really, did you think he would hold my interest? I do like a bit of a challenge. Why not come out yourself? I would love to get to know you better. Maybe find your truth.” I could hear her breathing change. She had expected me to slam the phone down. That is what a broken animal would do. It would strike back, trying to get a little of its lost footing. I know I wanted to.

  “Well, we will have to fix that, won’t we? You must be challenged.” I looked over at Ryan. His face full of worry and rage, and looking at me as if pleading to me not to go any further. He had a plan, and this was not working the way he saw it.

  “Tell Ryan to expect a guest, someone new for you.” Her voice did not give anything away. There was someone coming and who knows who is going to get what they want. She did not wait for me to answer. The phone clicked ending the call.

  “A guest is coming, and you should be ready.” His eyes were the green that had been the same as in the plastic suit. He was fearful. Was it from her or me? I left him there. He was still looking at me as though he could make it right. Nothing was going to be all right.

  Darkness is all I am, and all I have to offer. I had wanted the fairy tale ending. He could have in my past life, my human life, been my prince charming. I would have let him save me. It was easy to let him save me. I learned that when he touched me. He showed no fear, no reproach from me even as I was about to kill him. In a short time, they had killed me, broken my walls with love, and now were going to make me kill him. I stormed down my stairs slamming my door shut and locking it.

  Chapter 21

  I stopped at the bottom. My body fell limp against my will. The stairs did not give way when I hit them hard like a lead brick. No one could see me here. Putting on the mask is not easy. I don’t want to kill him. I lo... I can’t say that. I wanted to be still. I wanted death to take hold of me and keep me. Maybe then I would be free. I would not hurt him. Time passed, and the silence of the room took me in. I did not listen for his heartbeat or anyone else’s. I did not breathe or move. The stairs were not that comfortable, but it was an easy reminder that I was dead. I had been since I walked in that door. The world eroded from me and stillness in my veins replaced it.

  Something stirred upstairs. The footsteps were heavy and thunderous. I had not heard anything like them. I moved and awoke from my stillness. The voice was dark and deepened, but it was familiar to me. The heartbeat, its rhythm quick, quick, slow. It was a dance I had heard before. Pulling through my memories, my arm felt like fire. I could feel myself reliving the change. The noise outside of the room with my head pounding and throbbing I could hear it. Quick, quick, slow.

  Run. Fear raced into me like fire on a dry, dead branch. Run! My human life was slipping away again. I would not survive this time. Cut off my arm. Someone, just cut off my arm. It hurts too badly. Stop! The pain! My nails dug into my skin, one side red blood flowing from my hand the other blackness. The smell of the blood repulsed me, and yet called me near. I put my hand to my mouth.

  The dragging noise skidded across the floor. The room was so bright and getting so warm. Feet, there were feet being dragged away from the door. I wiped my hands as the blood covered them. Closing my eyes, I could smell Ash’s perfume and we were there. “Ryan.” The jab of the second injection opened my eyes. Her neck, although aged and wrinkled, looked so good. Blackness, fire, and rage burned into me, blocking out everything but the coming darkness.

  That sound. I knew that heartbeat. Matt? It could not be him. Had he been outside the door? The heartbeat moved across the floor. I was being drawn to it like Gretel to the sweet smell of the house. Its sounds pulling me closer, and yet bringing back memories I did not want to remember.

  I moved from the stairs. Half of me wanted to run up the stairs flinging open the door to see who it was. The other half feared who it was. The smell of pine, dirt, and just earth told me it was a man. The lumbered pace back and forth made me do the same. Something in my blood was drawn to him. I was drawn to him. Obedience to this person rolled into me. I bristled at that thought. No one controlled me. He moved closer to my door.

  Quick, quick, slow… his heartbeat to me. Its music called to me. Thirst and obedience filled me. This heart was calling me like no other. The beat kept even and calm even as though his pace quic
kened. I walked up two stairs listening to its call. Then another two followed, captivated. He was against the door. I rushed to the door as quiet as I could.

  My body was being pulled to the other side of the door with him. His hands padded against the door, and I raised my hands up to meet his. His pulse moved through the door, through me. I felt the hunger grow deeper. It was as if I had not eaten in weeks, months, years. His smell was not human. He still smelled like a little bit of human, but there was something else there. I could not help myself. I unlocked the door and pushed it open. Our eyes met, and everything else faded away. Taking him in.

  Matt? His eyes were old and weathered. His body did not reflect an old man. He was stout and strong. He was taller than I was, and with a strong jaw. The look of his brown eyes told me to obey. I felt my head tilting to the side, and I felt like I should fall to his command. His smell was something that smelled close to mine.

  His fists were clenched which made his muscles bulge. Short brown hair was smattered with blackness. Everything about him seemed to be rock solid and dominating. There was still human in him. His heartbeat told me so much. Had he been outside the room trying to get in? Who was Matt? I could feel something telling me it was fine, to trust him, but my instincts were not so trusting. All this time, I had assumed that Matt was dead or fiction. Whose side was he really on?

  “Matt?”

  Ryan touched my arm. “Who?” Ryan asked puzzled as if something was not right.

  “Yeah. We have a history, and I think it is something that is better left between us.” Matt spoke up with a confidence I had not expected.

  Matt gave me a look and motioned his head to the outside. Everything in me was conflicted. Matt’s eyes looked at me as if I should blindly obey his command. My body felt the command, but I wanted to ignore it. My body solidified in my stance. I was not going to obey anyone. Matt’s eyes darkened, and his body stood more erect. The wave of obedience hit me. I moved past Ryan and Matt, grabbing Matt’s hand. I looked back to see Ryan clench his fist.

  Matt and Ryan must know each other. Who is Matt? I could feel his footsteps behind me as they rattled the floorboards. Quick, quick, slow. Matt’s heartbeat still called to me. Daylight streamed into the windows. Sunglasses, I really need to get some. His face showed no expression as the light shined on my skin. He moved in front of me taking the lead. What did Matt know?

  “So you come from where exactly, Matt? Last I remember, you were locked up the same as me. Yet you are the secret weapon that Ryan did not want out here?” I tried to sound tougher than I looked. Part of me was trying to compensate for the fact I was utterly exposed out there in the sunlight.

  “Not here, Emily. Not where they can see and hear us. I will explain, but you need to understand who is in charge.” His voice barked the command.

  I felt myself letting out a growl before I even thought of it. He tightened his grip on my hand. I was not going to give into him. Ryan’s taste pushed its way in reminding me of him. Matt got close to my ear, his breath skirting across my skin with a low, controlled growl. I fought the urge to bite him. Pulling my hand forcefully from his iron grip, I ran toward the darkness of the trees. The ground pulsed with each of his strides trying to keep pace with mine.

  He could keep pace with me running like a human. I wondered if he could with a vampire. Letting go of the human part of my brain, I just ran. I felt as though I were flying through the air. His steps distanced from mine. I could hear his breath and heartbeat calling out to me. Everything was a blur of darkness as I made it to the forest. Birds and other animals fled from me. Who were they running from, him or me? Why did Matt seem to know me better than I knew him? Why did I want to obey him? I waited for him to catch up. But I stopped hearing his footsteps. I turned around and saw nothing. The hair on the back of my neck stood up. Run. I should run! I turned around one more time to see if he were anywhere. Then I felt it… the crushing pain and I fell to my knees. Mac truck, party of one.

  Chapter 22

  I have never been hit that hard. My skull felt like it had been split open like a can of beans, and everything was leaking out. Taking a tree to the head is absolutely inadvisable. Matt, however, had caught me off guard. This would not be a mistake I would make again. My body felt heavy and ridged.

  I tried to lift my head but was unable to. I tried to move something, any part of me. I got nothing. Panic set in. I could not move anything. Pain worse than anything I have felt running in. I have to find the will to somehow move. I have to get away from whatever Matt was. I finally forced my eyes open. The fence. I was bound to the fence.

  The world felt and looked like it was spinning around. Darkness was upon us. I could smell fire. I am going to be on his menu. I had to break free. I will not let some crazy person cut me up and feed me to a fire. Ryan could be next on his list. Fear set in. Has he already killed Ryan? I had been out for hours, and he would have had enough time. I would be the last thing, not the first. He could leave me bound to this fence for all eternity and kill anything he wanted.

  I smelled the air deep. I could smell blood so distant and yet close. Everything was muddy with the smell of the drug. My body felt as though it would wretch up everything at any time. Taking in a deeper breath trying to find him, I could smell it, human blood. My mouth watered at the smell. Ryan. Maybe he was here not to kill me, but to kill Ryan.

  The darkness below this flesh pushed forward. The monster was tearing its self forward through me. I was losing control of it. I knew what was under my skin, and Ryan had been oblivious to it. Maybe that was what he was here for. My body fought against the drug and fence. I needed to keep it contained. My wrists cut under the restraints.

  My body grew cold, colder than ice. My head, still pounding from the blow, became a second thought. The monster looked through my eyes. Everything was in red as the world pulsed. Darkness swallowed me leaving me powerless. I could not feel the cuts or blood flowing from my arm. Nothing could stop me… the blood, the human blood screaming my name. What was I after… more of the human blood or to save Ryan? Could he be saved? Should he be saved?

  I felt the darkness as it poured out of me like a rushing wave to the shoreline. The fence would not hold me for long. Matt was going to pay for this. Giving in to the part of me that had held the darkness at bay, I was giving up control. It was too late. Blood. The smell of their flesh wetted my mouth. I looked around for anything. I needed to stop thinking about the human blood.

  Nothing would stem the desire for blood but blood. All around me was beating hearts. The world pulsating red with each beat. Thump. Thud. Everything called me. I wanted everything. The cold blood flowed freely from my arms as the metal sliced through my hand. I pulled up from the restraints. It would not be long until I was free.

  The creaking of the fence trying to hold my body back sounded like the wind screaming. It was trying to warn all that could hear that I was coming, and I would destroy anything in my path. I was so hungry, and all I wanted was blood. My arms were freed. I did not feel heavy or lifeless from the drug any longer. I pulled the binds from my neck.

  I fell to the ground. It was then I noticed that my shirt was cut open. I lifted the tattered shreds up to find that my stomach had been sliced open. Did he think any animal would be stupid enough to eat me? He would pay for this. The world was silent accept for the heartbeats. Nothing could hide from me. I wanted the human blood, and I wanted it now!

  Blood, its sweet smell, called to me like water in a desert. There would be no mirage when I found it. I had never felt the hunger this bad. It pulled me into it, bringing pain. Everything felt like fire laced razor blades in my skin. Blood. Blood! BLOOD!

  Everyone was a target, and I could not see the difference anymore. Nothing would stop me or stop the hungry pit of nothingness I had become. Rage intertwined with hate, sadness, and pain. So many heartbeats surrounded me, sounding like a hum of everything. Nothing sounded like this. Thousands of beats… all different, yet the same in
so many ways. It sounded like the flapping of hummingbird wings to a human. The hum called to me.

  I came to a small rabbit first. Its heartbeat screaming to me as it tried to run. Faster it ran the more I wanted it. The feet thumped on the ground adding to the beat of its heart. The world was black in between the heartbeats like pausing moments in time. Time had seemed to take on a new meaning. It was no longer like a human kept time. Minutes and hours could pass in between heartbeats. They were what now kept my time. I moved faster than the rabbit, but I could not help but to make it wait. When the rabbit’s heart was going to stop from the chase, I grabbed it and ended it.

  Its blood so full of life, it was unlike what I had eaten before that moment. If this were how one rabbit tasted, I could only imagine what a human would be like. I needed it, I craved it, and I desired the hunt. My lips were so dry from the lack of blood. Tick tock from the little rabbit. It was a nice snack, but it would be nothing compared to what I was about to eat.

  I ran toward the house. Would they be waiting for me? Were they alive enough to satisfy my thirst? The air was ripe with the scent of blood, like walking through an apple orchard when they are ready to be plucked. The sweetness on the air begged to take just one, to bite it slowly and drink it in. Not just the juice but also the scent, the life.

  The crunch of its skin as you sink your teeth into it and greedily lick the juice as it flows out with each bite. I wanted an apple or two. The smell of their bodies, the texture of their skin, the flavor of their blood as I drank deeply. The warmth of them calling me to come and take them. I wanted to know that warmth again. I wanted to feel it course through my veins. Sweet darkness had pulled me into its embrace. Who would be left? Could anyone be left alive? So hungry. I just needed food.

  Chapter 23

  I moved rapidly to that which I needed. I needed the human blood on the air, its sweet fragrance calling me. So many things called to me. As I passed a cow, it made only a movement before I was upon it. There was no thought on pain or feelings, but it was all consuming hunger. I could still smell the death I had brought them. The smell lingered in the air even though the cows were long since gone.