by Ellen Joy
Hannah kept her eyes on Pastor Anita throughout the service, using every bit of self-control to not look behind her. That didn’t mean she wasn’t thinking about him, though. She heard none of the pastor’s sermon, only mouthed the hymns.
How could she have let him get so far under her skin?
After the pastor blessed the congregation, the choir, led by Annie, sang a high-energy gospel tune. People started filing out of the pews, heading toward the Fellowship Hall for coffee and treats.
“I promised I’d help in the kitchen,” Hannah said to Maggie as they left the sanctuary. “Come on, Emma, you need to help, too.”
Emma shimmied her way through the crowd to the kitchen. She always enjoyed their shift, because it meant first dibs on the treats. By the time Hannah made it there, Emma had already finished her second cookie.
“No more.” Hannah pointed a finger at her.
“Mrs. Curtis said I could have some,” she argued.
Hannah held her breath and counted to five in her head. It was not her daughter’s fault that she was on edge.
She began passing out cookies and making sure the carafes were full of hot water, coffee, and milk. When most people had been served and the crowd started to dwindle, she spotted him. He stood with his mother and another couple she had seen in church but didn’t know well. She opened the hot water carafe, then turned when she heard someone approach.
“Hi Hannah,” Julia Ryland said.
“Hi.” Julia had also been Olivia’s closest friend for many years. Their relationship had always irked Hannah. Julia had everything a teenage girl could dream of. She’d even begged her daddy to buy her a horse, just because Olivia had one. She got a fancy red sportscar the minute she turned sixteen, and was sure to tell everyone how much it cost. She only dated the coolest, most popular guys. And she was bossy. She was always in the middle of the biggest dramas, knew everything that was happening in and out of school, and spread it around as fast as she could… including telling everyone about Hannah’s pregnancy.
“How are you?” Julia asked.
“Good, you?” She wondered if Julia was still feeling jilted by Jesse. They’d had a little something that had ended with Olivia’s return to Prairie Valley.
“Oh, you know, hanging out.” She grabbed a paper cup and dropped a tea bag in it. “I heard you’re working as a nanny for Olivia and Jesse?”
Hannah nodded.
“That’s nice.” She poured hot water in her cup and the conversation suddenly ended, making Hannah extremely uncomfortable.
“I heard you’re good with paperwork and stuff,” Julia said suddenly.
“Excuse me?” Was this family for real?
“My dad runs a construction company, and well, he’s got all these files everywhere, from like, the last thirty years.” Julia kept talking, completely unaware of the change in Hannah’s demeanor. “It’s a mess. If you think Jake’s paperwork problem is bad… Anyways, I wondered if you might want to pick up some extra work, putting the files in order electronically.”
“Your mom already offered me a job today.” She looked back at Mrs. Ryland, then at Jake. Her heart pounded against her ribcage.
“Well, if you need some extra cash, I’d really appreciate the help, even just a few hours here and there,” Julia continued.
From the corner of her eye, she could see him approaching the coffee station. “I’m too busy right now, but thanks.” And she left Julia and went back into the kitchen.
“Thank you so much,” Pastor Anita said to them.
“Anytime.” Emma smiled.
“Emma, do you mind if I have a minute alone with your mother?” she asked.
“Is everything okay?” Hannah asked when Emma had gone out to the hall, no doubt to forage for any remaining sweets. Had she done something wrong?
But the pastor surprised her by saying, “I wanted to know if you needed any extra support.”
Hannah couldn’t explain why, but all these offers of help just seemed to make her more and more anxious, rather than less. “We’re okay. Thanks.”
“There’s no shame in asking for help,” the pastor said gently. “I’ve seen you work your heart out for the Hooley’s, and I’m just sick that they would let you go.”
Had Jake told the story to every… single… person… in town? Why didn’t he just rent out a billboard?
“You’ve hardly called me all week,” Allison complained. Her voice sounded like a guitar string that was just about to snap. Kind of how Jake’s last nerve felt.
“I’ve been really busy.” He didn’t want to fight. Again. “I’m trying to get this ranch up and running.”
“But now you’re working at Broken Eagle Ranch, too?” She rolled her eyes. “When are you ever not going to be busy?”
He let out a sigh and shrugged. “Right now, I just need to get through the summer heat.”
After working on the barn, he’d asked the brothers if he could offer a hand at the ranch, not for pay, but for the experience. He didn’t admit that part to Allison. She’d probably have a fit. He wanted to learn as much as he could about ranching, and Sam and Ryan ran one of the most successful ranches in the Midwest.
“I just don’t get why you can’t take a break at night.” She abruptly stopped talking, pointing out the window. “There’s like, a girl and a baby outside, walking up your driveway.”
Shoot. He had tried to talk to Hannah at church, but she had neatly avoided him. He’d rattled through all the things that could’ve made her upset with him, because the last time he’d seen her, everything seemed fine.
“She’s a friend.” But the way Hannah had stayed on his mind, he wondered if he could really say that truthfully.
He could see the hair rise on the back of Allison’s neck, her claws flexing as she checked out Hannah from afar. Uh oh.
“How do you know her?”
He watched as Hannah put Mae on her hip and climbed the stairs. The sound of her footsteps alarmed Millie, who jumped up and ran towards the door, snorting and making a fuss.
“I still can’t believe you have a pig in the house.”
“Hannah,” he said as he opened the door, not waiting for her to knock. He could feel Allison’s eyes drilling into his back. “How are you?”
“I want you to know that Emma and I are okay.” She stood tall, her shoulders squared. She reminded him of a teacher staring down a naughty student. “We don’t need your charity. So please, if you don’t mind, stop talking about me.”
Allison’s mouth dropped open. “Who is this woman, Jake?”
Hannah’s eyes widened when she noticed Allison.
“Hannah, I don’t understand. Did my sister say something to you the other day?” He thought about the Fellowship Hall after the church service, when he’d noticed Hannah and Julia talking by the coffee station.
“Your family keeps offering me work. I’m not a charity case.”
He rolled back all the conversations he’s had with his mother. She had asked him about Hannah. He’d had no idea that what he’d said would get back to her or upset her so much.
“Jake?” Allison now stood beside him in the doorway. “Why don’t you introduce us?”
“Allison, this is Hannah, she’s working for the Boudreaus.” He gestured. “Hannah…” He looked away, wishing he’d mentioned her earlier. “This is Allison.”
“His girlfriend.” Allison crossed her arms against her chest ostentatiously.
Hannah’s eyebrows lifted and her mouth fell open. Slowly, she reached out a hand to Allison and said, “Nice to meet you.”
“Look, Hannah, I’m sorry.” He really had been a jerk this time, and it made him squirm. “I never meant to embarrass you. It was before you started babysitting, and I felt bad that I got you fired.”
Her lips flattened. “Then, please let your family know I’m all set.”
She turned crisply and marched down off the porch before he could say anything more. He was about to go after her,
try to explain, but realized that he’d just sound like a broken record.
He probably should’ve been more worried about Allison, because when he turned back to the house, she was steaming mad.
“Who is that woman? How do you know her?” Her voice was low, her fists clenched against her hips.
“I told you, she’s Hannah Destin, she works…” he trailed off, looking out the picture window for a last glimpse of Hannah and Mae. They were gone.
“I was just trying to help her out.”
“I don’t know why you’d let her talk to you like that, if you were only trying to help her out.”
He decided to just let it rest.
“Should we go meet Josh and Veronica?” he asked, hoping to divert her attention.
It seemed to work, for as they drove to town, she went right back to their previous argument.
“I mean, I thought you were asking your stepdad for a promotion.”
He squeezed the wheel. “No, you thought I should ask for a promotion.”
“Well, he’s got a really successful business, and you’re like, part of the crew.”
Jake couldn’t believe they were back to this again. “He’s not going to hire me for an office job.”
“Not if you don’t ask.” The look on her face showed her thoughts clearly enough. She was dating the wrong brother. Allison pouted throughout dinner, barely speaking to him.
“What’s going on with you two?” Josh asked, when the women got up to use the restroom.
Jake shrugged. “Same old thing.”
The truth was, he should’ve broken up with Allison months ago, because she thought the relationship was somewhere much further along than it was. Which was why, he supposed, she was always mad at him. She wanted a husband and family, now. Jake just wanted to get through the day. She talked about the future, and Jake was firmly fixated on the past.
They ate dinner at The Dock. It was a place he could barely afford, yet no one thought to ask his opinion.
“Let’s go to Lumberjacks,” Josh said as they left the table.
Jake was exhausted and wanted to do nothing more than get to bed. “I really should get some rest.”
“Come on, don’t go yet.”
“Yeah, let’s all hang out.” Veronica glanced at Allison.
“Maybe it’s all that extra help you give,” Allison snarled. Her anger had ramped up when he admitted he wasn’t going to be able to make the festival the following weekend. The expensive tickets were more than he could afford.
“Just have Josh pay for it,” she said, after they got up to leave.
He shook his head. “I’m not really that interested in going, anyways.”
Allison huffed. “Where’s the Jake I used to know? The one who liked to have fun?”
Dead.
He wished he’d told Allison to go out without him, and walked with Hannah instead.
Hannah spread the blanket on the grass and arranged Mae’s toys. The day was perfect – sunny, a slight breeze, and a perfect 78 degrees in the shade. Mae crawled about, venturing off the blanket, but not going far enough away to get into trouble.
The Boudreaus were busy. One week left until the christening, and they had their hands full. Everyone seemed to be running around picking off last minute tasks. Hannah helped by watching Mae. Emma was with the cousins, riding horses. It made her feel warm inside to see Emma’s face glow in that special way. The way that said she belonged.
It meant everything to Hannah that Emma had something she never had. She ran around with Rosie’s and Annie’s boys as if they were real family, real blood. Yet a nagging, uneasy feeling kept worrying at her. She wanted to go for a walk. She had all the rationalizations ready in her head. Emma was occupied, she needed the exercise, Mae would love to see the pig. Ugh. The reality, of course, was that she wanted to see Jake.
She smacked her forehead and said to Mae, “Why do I still want to see him?”
Mae chewed her plastic rings and babbled something back.
“Am I falling for the same kind of guy? A man who can’t be trusted?”
She supposed she was being just a little unfair. Technically, she hadn’t told him she was still married, either. But it had been more than a decade since she and Troy had separated. The idea that she was still actually married to him seemed surreal.
She had never really dated. Troy had been her first and only boyfriend. Her only other experiences with men had been her father and her mother’s creepy boyfriends. And she’d already proven that she was a terrible judge of character. She had thought Troy was kind and thoughtful, a loyal protector. Did she have Jake all wrong? Was she just projecting onto him all the qualities that she wanted him to have? Turning him into someone who was too perfect to be real?
She wished she could get up, grab the stroller, and head up the road. Then she looked at Emma, laughing as Conner did something she thought was hilarious. Hannah wanted this. She wanted Emma to have a family. The Boudreaus were wonderful stand-ins, but she wanted something more, something that was really theirs. Siblings, and a family home where everyone could gather. She wanted Emma to have a real father, real in all the ways that mattered, someone who would protect her. What would happen if, God forbid, something ever happened to her?
What if Troy got custody?
“Hey,” Olivia said, walking toward her from the pasture. Hannah hadn’t even noticed her approach, she was so lost in her own thoughts.
“Connor, stop being such a goofball,” Olivia called, then sat on the blanket and kissed Mae’s neck. “How’s it going?”
“Good.” Hannah could feel disappointment flood through her, realizing that Olivia might not need her for the rest of the day. That she’d have to go back to the apartment with Emma. The apartment she still could barely afford. Olivia was generous with her pay, but life was expensive. Gas, electric, water, taxes, food, a tween… her salary barely covered it all. “You all done?”
“For today, at least.” Olivia shook her head. “You’d think Mae was getting married. The aunts have gone nuts.”
Hannah laughed, understanding exactly what she meant. She had lived at the farm and been there through all the weddings, christenings, and birthdays. Everything was over the top. They always had twice as much food as they needed, everyone was always included, and the women started preparing weeks ahead of time.
“Look, I know it’s none of my business, and I should’ve stayed out of it, but…”
“But…?” Hannah said, with some trepidation.
“I talked to Julia.”
“Did… you guys talk about Jesse?”
Olivia shook head. “I asked her about her brother.”
“Oh.” Her heart sped up with anxiety. “What did you say?”
“I just, you know, mentioned that he moved in down the road,” she said sheepishly, but there was something else she was holding back.
“What is it?” From the look on her face, it had to be something bad.
“She told me Jake’s got a girlfriend.”
Hannah suddenly realized how ridiculous she must look. Was that what Julia wanted to really talk to her about? To tell her not to get any ideas about her already-taken brother?
“I know.” She shook the image of the beautiful blonde out of her head. Her emotions surged, but she pushed them down hard. She didn’t want Olivia feeling sorry for her, like Jake did.
All her daydreams were so embarrassing now. All they’d done was go for a walk. It wasn’t like he had pledged his undying love. If anything, the fact that he hadn’t brought up his girlfriend just showed how casual the relationship was. She was just a neighbor he was helping out. Nothing more.
She tried to stop her chin from trembling, but it felt like the whole world was against her, sometimes. “I told you that someone like him would never be interested in a woman like me.”
Tears blurred the vision of Emma romping with the boys.
“What?” Olivia leaned over and took a closer look at her.
“He’d be lucky to have someone like you.”
Hannah huffed, then sniffled, wiping away a loose tear before it fell. “I’ve been a burden all my life. A burden to my mother, my father, Troy, you guys, and someday I’ll be Emma’s burden.”
“Hannah, that’s ridiculous.”
Olivia didn’t understand. The truth was the truth. She didn’t have a clue what it was like. Everyone fought for Olivia to be in their lives. Nobody ever really wanted Hannah.
“I should’ve known better than to get my hopes up about a guy like Jake.” She laughed at her stupidity. “He only felt sorry for me.”
“No way.” Olivia shook her head. “I saw the way he looked at you. I would’ve sworn he was into you. Maybe he still is, but Allison’s got her talons into him.”
“She’s probably really nice.” Hannah got up on her hands and knees, feeling suddenly old, wiping off dirt and grass. “I should get going, if you’re all set.”
She wiped her eyes, putting on a smile.
“Hannah, don’t go. Stay for the day, hang out with us,” Olivia said, as she stood up with Mae on her hip. “This is all my fault.”
“This is not your fault.” She blew out a breath.
“I was the one who put the idea in your head.” Olivia reached out, taking Hannah’s arm and squeezing it. “Stay, please.”
Hannah knew that she was being selfish, jealous, and petty. Olivia lived a dream life, she should be happy for the one friend who had stuck by her all these years. Even when she lived in Washington, Olivia had made the effort. But Hannah was tired of being tired.
She shook her head. Olivia had Jesse and Mae, and Emma had the cousins, and the others had their families and homes, and Maggie had all of them. “Do you mind if Emma stays?”
“Of course not.”
“I could get a few errands done,” she lied.
“Are you really alright?”
“Yes, of course.” She widened her smile, but at that moment, she had never felt more alone.
Chapter 5
As soon as the bus picked Emma up, Hannah pushed her landlord’s doorbell and waited. Mrs. Curtis shuffled toward the door while Hannah fought the urge to run away.
