Never Enough

by Kristina M Sanchez

  One breath. Two. Three. Each pull of air hurt. “We need to look at the facts, and the fact is your family doesn’t like me. They’re never going to like me.”

  “They’re your family too.”

  “That’s semantics. We’re not talking about that right now.” He rubbed at his chest. Not that saying the words out loud didn’t hurt; it just wasn’t the point. Nothing new to see there. “We gotta look at this like you’re you and I’m me. It doesn’t matter how much I love you or you love me. Our pieces have to fit.”

  She stood up, pacing away from him. “Valentin—”

  “No, honey, listen. Try to hear me, okay? It would be different, maybe, if their approval didn’t mean so much to you. But it does. It always has. It’s why you let them believe you loved the princess crap they bought you when you were little. It’s why you wear dresses to work. Your fear that they wouldn’t approve of you, wouldn’t like you if you couldn’t be who they wanted you to be, was why you didn’t talk for a year. They matter to you.”

  “Yes, of course they matter to me, but what does that have to do with us? That’s what you’re getting at, right? What does me wearing dresses have to do with this?”

  He forced himself to look up and meet her eyes. She was standing across the small room, her arms folded defensively and her face pinched in anger, but he could see the fear too. “They’re never going to approve of me,” he said as gently as he could manage. “They’re never going to like me, and they’re never going to understand. Dante has despised me over half my life, and my mother…” He ducked his head, swallowing hard as he tried to ignore the blossom of fresh pain in his chest. “Maybe my mother loves me, but she’s always going to be waiting for me to do the next stupid-ass thing. That’s not the kind of man a mother wants for her child.”

  “This—you and me—isn’t about what they want.”

  “You’re right. I get that you want all of us. You want your family, and you want me. What I’m saying is I don’t think you can have both, and I’m not going to make you choose.”

  “So you’re taking away my choice.” The words came out tight, caught somewhere between rage and tears. “You get to decide everything for the both of us? This is my life.”

  “It’s my life too. There are some things I can live with, some things I have to live with, and some things I can’t, especially if I can help it.” He rubbed the back of his neck, frustrated with himself and the fact he couldn’t find the right words. “It’s not just about you wanting their approval; it’s about you needing them. You’re just starting out. You need your family. Hell, fucked up as I am, even I had them to fall back on when I was twenty-two. I couldn’t live with the idea I took that away from you.”

  He got up and went to her. He tried to take her hands in his, but she pulled away, glaring at him. “I was wondering when we were going to get to this part,” she said, her voice shaking. “You’re going to act like you’re all grown up and know better than me about the way life is?”

  A thread of irritation, irrational though it was, laced through him. “You know what? We can’t pretend I’m not older than you. Maybe I didn’t make it very far in those sixteen years, but I know a few things. I know now that part of the reason my mother didn’t want me to chase my son to Texas right away was because she couldn’t help me if I were there. I left my support system—because she was all I had—before I was ready, and it’s part of the reason I never got on my feet. I was almost there. With her help and yours, I had an apartment. I was almost done with school. I could’ve had a lot more than I do now. Dante and my mother are the closest thing you have to parents. You need them, and that’s not a bad thing, Mina.” He thumped his chest. “I am.”

  His words choked off, and he stared at the floor again, shaking his head. He took a deep breath, trying to steady himself. “I’m a bad thing. That’s a fact. That’s all. I don’t try to be, I don’t want to be, but that’s the way it is. We let this go on, and the same thing’s going to happen to you that happens to everyone else. We keep going, and I’m going to fuck up so badly you’ll never be able to forgive me—just like with Dante, Carlito, and my mother. If we can end things on good terms…” He sat down heavily on the couch. The idea of losing what he’d found with her made him sick with grief, but it had to be done. Better lose that now than lose so much more later. “I’ve told you before. I don’t ever want to see you looking at me the way everyone else does.”

  For five full seconds, the only sound in the room was the wheeze of her breath as she tried not to cry. He could see she had her hands in fists at her sides now, her head turned away from him as she blinked sporadically at the wall.

  After an age, she wiped at her eyes. “Too fucking late, asshole.”

  She crossed the room and slammed the door when she left. Val sat completely still on the edge of the bed, emptier than he’d thought humanly possible.

  Chapter 24

  Mina was doing her damnedest not to whine, but she was about to fail. She hunkered down in the uncomfortable hospital chair, arms crossed over her chest as she looked at Momma Cora with a pleading expression. “This isn’t fair. You know I don’t want to talk about this, and now you have me trapped.”

  Cora arched one unimpressed eyebrow. “Trapped? Aye, hija. Why do you have to be so dramatic?”

  Now it was Mina’s turn to arch an eyebrow. “That’s the pot calling the kettle black.” She shook her head. “This isn’t the kind of thing you talk about while your grandchildren are being born just a few feet away.”

  “Babies take a long time to come. You’re in front of me and still for once. It’s a good time to talk.”

  “See? Entrapment. You know I can’t go anywhere.”

  “Don’t be ridiculous. No one’s keeping you here.”

  “Good.” Mina stood. “Then I’m going to the cafeteria. I need some coffee. Or a stiff drink. I think there’s a liquor store across the street. I’ll be right back.”

  Cora grabbed her by the wrist and pulled her gently back down. Mina stared studiously forward, ignoring the lump that rose in her throat and the way her eyes stung. Cora sighed and stroked her hair back off her face. “It’s been two weeks now. I’m trying to understand what happened. I don’t know how to help you.” She cupped her hand under Mina’s chin, bringing her face to the side to look at her. “You said he wasn’t hurting you, but he did, didn’t he? The night after?”

  Mina turned her face out of Cora’s grasp. “Not like that. I don’t know how many times I have to tell you.”

  “But he broke your heart.”

  Mina clenched her jaw. She wanted to deny it. She didn’t want to give him that kind of power. She clenched her fists on her knees, angry at Momma Cora for pushing and pissed as hell at Val for how much she’d cried these last two weeks.

  “He left you, didn’t he? When things weren’t convenient anymore?”

  Mina winced, but Cora didn’t seem to expect an answer. She went on. “My son… You know I love my son, but he’s… Mira. How would you say it? He doesn’t think things through. He’s careless with himself and others.” She paused a beat. “It’s just that I wonder how this happened. When you were little…” She blew out a breath, rolling her eyes to the ceiling as if she were asking God to help her. “Dante hated that I left you alone with him so often.”

  “Agh.” Mina got to her feet, but she didn’t go anywhere. She ran her hand through her hair. “Are we going to start this again? Don’t make me defend him when I want to be angry. He’s an asshole, not a monster.”

  “Sientate. That’s not what I’m talking about.”

  Mina sat down with a huff, her arms crossed.

  “What I’m trying to say is that it was other things when you were small. He’s always had a way of making you see things his way.” She patted Mina’s hand. “Do you remember that beautiful bed we bought you when you first came to live with us?” She sighed, the sound dreamy. “What I wouldn’t have given to
have a bed like that when I was a girl. But Val hated it. He kept telling us you didn’t like princess things. You loved that bed, but after you spent time with him, you wanted Mario sheets and a Star Wars bedspread. It was practically the first thing you asked for after you started talking again.”

  A twinge of guilt tugged at Mina. She’d hated that bed, one of the reasons her mutism had been convenient. If Mina couldn’t complain, Cora and Dante assumed she was happy. Val was the only one who’d never assumed. “So what if he did get me to switch my sheets?” Mina shook her head. It wasn’t true, but it didn’t matter now. “What does that have to do with any of this?”

  “It wasn’t just when you were a child. When you were a teenager, you always listened to him.” She scoffed. “I even used it a time or two, when I couldn’t get you to listen to me. I asked him to set you straight.” A troubled look came over her face. “And then you got so angry at him. I thought it was because he left, but it seemed different.”

  Mina pressed her tongue to the roof of her mouth.

  “I never understood what he did to make you that angry at him.”

  Mina didn’t have to look to know Momma Cora was staring at her. She could feel her eyes on the side of her head. “You’re asking if he did something then? I was sixteen.”

  “Still. He might’ve said something, maybe just joking around. Men do that sometimes—make inappropriate comments. Something it took you years to forgive, or something you didn’t understand. Something that scared you.”

  Mina shook her head. “It wasn’t anything like that. It was just a silly teenage thing.”

  If she told Momma Cora what had happened, would she think Mina was responsible for Mateo’s death? She never wanted Cora to know about that.

  “Okay, mija,” Cora said in that voice people used when they didn’t believe you but weren’t going to argue the point. She patted Mina’s knee again. “It’s not that I think my son’s a monster, but he’s a man, and men sometimes think it’s their right to take what they want, however they can get it. His father was that way.”

  Mina pulled away with a hiss. “Momma.”

  “I’m saying that Valentin came home wounded. A man likes to know he’s a man—strong and capable. The world showed him he wasn’t. That’d be a blow to anyone’s pride. You’re a beautiful girl, Mina. Such a pretty woman. And you were right there in front of him.” Cora shrugged. “I’m saying it’s a natural thing that he wanted to lick his wounds, to feel strong and powerful again.” She scoffed. “And nothing makes a man feel more powerful than when he thinks he’s a god in bed. You were there, and you’ve always looked at him with stars in your eyes. All I’m saying is that men don’t always think about who they seduce or what’s going to happen later. There is no later for them.”

  “You think he wanted me, and when he was done, when it was inconvenient, it was easy for him to leave?” Mina swallowed hard, each gulp painful. It wasn’t anything she hadn’t thought of before, and maybe it was part truth.

  But the other part of the truth was that Mina had used him just the same way. Her whole life was one big question mark. When he looked at her that way for the first time, she’d known without a doubt she could have him. It was the one certainty in her life. She could have him, and so she had.

  Cora cupped her face, turning it back toward her and stroking her cheeks with her thumbs so tenderly. “Aye, Minina. I’m sorry. We always have a heartache or two before we find who we’re meant to be with.” She wrapped an arm around Mina’s shoulders and pulled her into a hug. “Your home should’ve been safe from that. It never should’ve found you there. Lo siento, hija, corazón.”

  Mina closed her eyes, melting into her mother’s embrace. She shuddered and turned her head to hide her face against Cora’s neck as she cried quietly.

  It was only some hours later that Mina figured out why the twist of guilt in her gut lingered. She was in a hospital room, posing with Anita and Amilia, Carlito’s newborn daughters. Carlito was beaming as he took the picture of Mina. Little Carlito was curled up on the bed, resting with his head on his mother’s shoulder. Dante and Cora stood on either side of Carlito, embracing him with pride and love written all over their faces.

  As Cora and Dante each came to claim a baby, Mina sunk back, remembering a quiet conversation she’d had with Val in the middle of the night. He’d had his arm slung around her, his fingers tracing up and down her spine. They’d been joking about what a pain in the ass Carlito was as a father and how he’d be with his girls, but Val’s expression had gone all soft and wistful.

  “You know what I was thinking, though? It’s nice that they’re blank slates. I got a good job. I’m going to find a nice place to live.” He’d pressed a tender kiss to her forehead. “You and I are going to figure out how to tell them about us. Maybe these girls will grow up thinking I’m just like every other adult in their lives.” He’d chuckled, smiling. “Uncle Val. They might even like me.”

  Now, Mina wrapped her arms around herself, taking in the rest of the family as a whole. Val had wanted so much to be here for this.

  A rush of anger went through her. It was his own damn fault.

  Just as quickly, her shoulders slumped. This picture wasn’t right. Of the two of them, she was the interloper. They’d adopted her, loved her as their own, but he was the one who should’ve been there with them.

  Mina had always said she’d never thought of Val as her brother. She’d thought it was because he was so much older, already grown up when she even registered his existence. Looking around, she wondered if it was more that he’d always been treated like the outsider—Cora’s criminal son, a leftover obligation from the life she’d dragged herself out of.

  There was no one in Val’s corner. His stepfather and half-brother thought he was a pervert, an animal. His mother thought he was just like all the men of her past—full of pretty words until he was done, ready to chew her up and spit her out.

  Mina knew better. She was hurt and pissed, but she knew Val had wanted what they’d had. More than that, he wanted what he’d given her: a family to be a part of. She knew he was hurting.

  And she knew he was alone.

  Chapter 25

  “Why didn’t you say something sooner?” Danesh looked at Val like he was a moron. “Not for nothing, but your brother sounds like a douche-canoe, and one of us always has the hook-up with a decent place.”

  “God, yeah. Why couldn’t you have told me about this a week ago?” Marie moaned. “I have a sweet little mother-in-law cottage on my property. I just rented it out to a stranger.”

  Danesh swung around to look at Marie. “Hey, what the hell? Same question here. Why wouldn’t you come to us with something like that?”

  Marie smirked. “Are you kidding? Val is the only one of you assholes who hasn’t hit on me.” She gestured with a spatula. “You think I want one of you creepy bastards skulking around my backyard?”

  “Because that didn’t sound dirty at all,” Ryan muttered.

  “See what I mean?” Marie shook her head at Ryan before she turned back to Val. “Yeah, man. I have to tell you. I mean, I get the whole thing with family. Hard to get by without family, and that means you gotta let them help you sometimes. Makes them feel useful or some such thing. I don’t know. But your brother sounds like the kind of asshat you don’t want to be indebted to.”

  Val scoffed. “Better him than my stepfather. Trust.”

  “But those weren’t the only choices you had, kiddo.”

  With a smirk, Val threw a roll at her head. “Yeah, that’s what this whole embarrassing conversation’s about.” He shrugged. “Boss tried to tell me to come to you guys, but I’m a hard-headed son of a bitch.”

  “Always have to do things the hard way?” Tony asked.

  “Nothing new there. Though, in my defense, first I was the new guy. Then I didn’t want to ask for a favor when I fucked up that night the reviewer came over.”

  Ton
y waved a hand. “We’ve all had a bad day, man. We get it.”

  “Boss set me straight. Well, he said either I let you guys in or he’d kick me off the couch.”

  “He was never going to kick you out for reals, but he says what he has to when he thinks he’s right.” Danesh said. “Which he is, by the way. As it turns out, my folks want to move closer to my sister in Washington. The housing market kind of sucks right now, so they’re thinking about renting out the house. Two bedroom. Little place. Mortgage isn’t too much.”

  The door to the kitchen swung open, and the head chef appeared. Danesh ducked his head, speaking low to Val. “I’ll get the official numbers from them later, yeah?”

  Val blinked. A house? This guy wanted him to rent a house. He nodded. “Talk about it later.”

  Only a few minutes later, the door to the kitchen came open again, and Tuck came through. “Valentin.”

  Val lifted his head. “Boss?”

  “There’s a chick out front looking for you.”

  Hope made Val’s eyes go wide and the slightest of smiles tug at his lips. But then he read the look on Tuck’s face. Chick, he’d said—disapproval heavy in that one word. He knew Mina’s name. He’d have used it if it were her.

  Wary now, Val wiped his hands on his apron and headed out into the main restaurant. He stopped short when he saw who was waiting for him.

  “Keep it short, huh? I need you back at work.”

  Val glanced at Tuck. He clenched his jaw, already annoyed as he strode to the front of the restaurant.

  The woman put on a bright smile, her eyes popped wide with faux innocence. “Hey, Valentin. I’m so glad to see you. Do you remember me?” She brushed her hand down his arm.

  “What do you want, Celeste?” Val took a step back out of her reach.