Just Breathe Again

by C. A. Harms

  When he was finished, I had yet to move, still watching the man I wished could be more. His breathing was ragged, and his chest heaved as he tried to slow his breathing.

  As the minutes passed, his grip on me was weakened, and I slid off to the side, still watching him. He said nothing.

  When his breathing grew even, and his body seemed to relax, I leaned in and pressed a gentle kiss to his jaw before carefully climbing out of his bed. It was easier this way, I thought. I didn’t want to hear his words because they were what hurt the most. His silence was the perfect end to this goodbye.

  There wasn’t much to gather since I hadn’t even gotten undressed.

  Tiptoeing across the floor, I gathered my heels, which had dropped to the floor when he lifted me up, and I looked back over my shoulder one last time, taking in his sleeping form. He was so handsome, and looking at him at that moment, I never could have guessed he was so damaged. He looked perfect, so peaceful, it made it hard to walk away.

  I’d spent the day watching a couple share such a meaningful day, and I didn’t know why I had allowed myself to think about Aaron. I knew I was punishing myself by even considering the fact that maybe he could change.

  I knew where I was going the minute I drove past the WELCOME TO GILLETTE sign. But I needed one more night with him before I let go of the idea that we could ever be more.

  I had to let it go, because though I wished I was strong enough to handle his consistent withdrawing, deep down, I knew I wasn’t.

  He was right. I did need more.

  I wanted the kind of love Jonah and Missy shared. I wanted to be a man’s everything.

  Turning away from Aaron, I took in a deep breath, trying to ward off the emotions teetering inside me.

  Reaching the door, I grabbed the handle, feeling the cool brass in my grasp, and I slowly began to turn the knob. Then I froze when I heard his voice behind me.

  “Faith.” I could hear the regret in his voice, and it almost broke me. The ache provoked within me hurt worse each time we repeated this act. It was exactly why this would be the very last time I would ever allow myself the chance of being trapped in a moment like this.

  “Don’t.” I paused, my hand still covering the door handle. “Not tonight. I already know what you’re gonna say, and I’m asking you not to say anything. You don’t have to because all the times before still play in my mind. I know exactly how this goes.”

  I drew in a deep, shuddering breath and focused on the door and nothing more.

  “The truth is, I can’t even justify being mad at you or frustrated with your words because I came here tonight. I sought you out. And I did that knowing already that I would hear the same devastating words from you once again. Yet here I am. Somehow, in my mind, I managed to convince myself that this may be the time you decide that what we shared wasn’t a mistake, but every single time, it ends the same. Tonight’s on me. So please, just don’t say it. Let me leave here tonight with the thoughts that I am enough.” A single tear fell over my cheek, and I did nothing to stop it. “I don’t need you to remind me that I’m not.”

  “Wait.” I could hear his movements, and instead of waiting, I rushed out the door. My heart couldn’t take him trying to make me feel better. I wanted to walk away with only the memories of what we’d just shared and nothing more.

  This would be the last time I would go to him, and it would be the last time I allowed him to touch me. This was my goodbye to him. It had to be.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Aaron

  Faith’s car was already gone when I pulled into my regular spot outside the shop entrance. I’d spent the weekend wondering what I would say when I finally got the chance to see her. Maybe Gran was right. It was time to open up and heal. She deserved to know that my inability to move on had nothing to do with her. If I could find a way to look past what happened in my past, Faith would be the woman I would want to move on with. She had everything.

  The lights inside the shop were already on, and I wondered if I had left them on Friday night when I left. Climbing out of my old truck, the door creaked when I kicked it shut.

  The distant sounds of a sander or planer running triggered me to move faster as I grabbed the handle and pulled open the door.

  Sitting in a chair with a plank of wood in hand was Dirk. Safety glasses in place, he looked up and gave me a little nod. “Morning,” he offered, pointing toward the coffee pot. “Made some fresh just fifteen minutes ago.”

  The smell of coffee filled the shop, and disappointment settled in my chest when I realized it wasn’t the regular hazelnut scent.

  I set my small cooler down next to the counter and held up my mug from home. “Thanks, but I came prepared.”

  Dirk Billings was a man of few words, and I still had a hard time registering his moods.

  “Back to work, I see.” To be frank, the guy made me feel like I was only a teen again and he was the hard-ass principal who was just waiting for me to fuck up so he could make my life a living hell. If only he knew how badly I had been fucking up with his daughter, I was sure his kindness would end quickly.

  “If I sat in that house one minute longer, I’d go crazy. Damn women and the need for hovering. I swear, I cough, and they come running like I’m gonna keel over or something. It was a hip, not a God damned lung.”

  “Faith know you’re down here?”

  Again, he shook his head, lining up the wood plank with the planer, and slowly, he began to push it forward. The sound of the board being stripped filled the room.

  “No.” He didn’t even look my way, but I could see the smile on his face. “But the minute she left for the airport, I hauled my ass down that driveway. I knew I could do it.” He mumbled something about damned women and their control issues.

  Then his words registered.

  “Airport?”

  The longer he made me wait for an explanation, the worse my need to know grew.

  “Some big shoot in LA.” My heart raced. “A company she used to do freelance work for had a photographer stiff ‘em at the last minute, and they called her to fill in. If you’re asking me, I think she was missing the excitement of a big city.”

  My chest tightened with an uneasy feeling.

  “She’ll be gone all week and back on Saturday,” he added. “Deanna is running the studio here and keeping the place open for potential clients.” I only nodded as I turned my back and drew in a deep breath, using the excuse to grab my cooler and move toward the refrigerator as a distraction.

  “I’ve started Hennington’s order. We still have about four cabinets for the Miller warehouse, then that one can be packed and loaded for shipment.”

  I was listening to Dirk, but I was also picturing Faith in the city around her friends, laughing and realizing what she walked away from before. The idea that she may one day return and walk away from Gillette shouldn’t have bothered me so much, but it did.

  “You see that development going up on the south side of town?”

  “Mmhm.”

  Not really.

  “The contractors want to fill them with Dusty Creek originals.”

  “How many properties?”

  “At this point, fifteen.” I turned around to face him, and I instantly saw the pride in his eyes. The man really made a name for his craft. “With the possibility for ten more at a later date.”

  “We talking just cabinets?”

  “Cabinets for kitchen, bathrooms, laundry…the whole works.” He gave a little nod as he ran his palm over the smooth planed wood in front of him. “They also want trim. Some houses will have shutters, decking, the whole nine yards. Enough to keep us busy for months, if not years, on top of all our other orders.”

  The news was good news, but I couldn’t move past the knot in my stomach. Asking about Faith would be too obvious, too strange. So instead, I had to spend the day ignoring the tension I felt, or so I’d hoped.

  ***

  “Getting tired of skipping that step. When
are you heading inside?”

  Walt’s voice rang out from behind just before I brought the drill down once more and drove a screw through the new piece of wood.

  “It’s about damn time someone fixes that thing.”

  “My landlord sucks,” I mumbled around the screw pinned between my lips. “Sorry son of a bitch let this place go to shit, and you’d think he’d offer some upkeep.”

  Hearing Walt chuckle triggered my own smile.

  “Maybe the landlord was hoping this dump would give you some motivation to work on the things you used to love.” I didn’t respond. “Or maybe the woman your landlord loves forced him to buy this old piece of shit place in hopes of that.”

  The idea that Gran may have bought this shack for me made me feel guilty that I’d spent the time I’d had here allowing it to fall apart even more. Maybe that was why she’d stopped over often, taking the time to look around slowly in search of even the smallest amount of change. She would only be left with disappointment when she saw that things were even worse off than before.

  “I’m—” I paused because, fuck, I had no idea where to start or even how to start.

  “There’s a rumor going around.”

  I shifted the weight of my body and looked back over my shoulder at him. When he realized I wasn’t going to ask but instead stare silently at him waiting for him to continue, he did just that.

  “Seems Norma Jean from the fabric store that sits just across from a new studio got quite the show not so long ago.” My stomach dropped, yet I held his stare. “You know small towns, Aaron. People see things, and that stuff spreads like wildfire. Before you know it, everyone knows, and each time it’s told, the facts change even more. So maybe you can tell me what’s the truth.”

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  “Faith Billings and you weren’t putting on a show in the front showroom of her studio before you two disappeared into the back for hours alone?”

  I didn’t answer him. Instead, I turned around and took out my frustration by driving yet another screw through the new step I was installing.

  Fuck small towns and nosy old ladies.

  “At first, Rae thought this could be a good thing. It meant you were finally opening up your heart to the chance of something more.” One deep breath in followed by a slow exhale. “But then, Norma told the story of how you snuck back out shortly before Faith was seen leaving too. Only she looked upset.”

  “Where’s this going, Walt?” I was a grown man, and Faith was a grown woman. We shouldn’t have to answer to anyone on the decisions we made.

  “Sleeping with your boss’s daughter probably wasn’t one of your smarter choices.”

  “No one is saying that’s what happened.”

  “Yeah, they are.” Walt placed his hand on the railing at my side, and I focused on the newly installed step before me. I needed a distraction because I knew if I looked at him, he would know. It seemed like Gran had installed some type of know-all device in his ass because nothing got by the man. “But what cemented the story was when Rae passed by Faith on her way to your place Friday.”

  Another calming breath.

  “And before you try to convince me she didn’t come here, you should know that Rae turned back around and made sure.”

  “So she’s checking up on me, then?”

  “No.” I knew better. Gran wasn’t a busybody. “She’s worried about you, and I think seeing that you were spending time with Faith gave her a little bit of hope.”

  “It’s nothing.” I’d made sure of that.

  “Just be careful.” I knew he was referring to the damage sleeping with the boss’s daughter would cause. Hell, I’d already allowed my mind to go there, more than once.

  “It was nothing more than a little fling, and it’s over,” I told him, finally standing up and turning to face him. “You can tell Gran that she shouldn’t get her hopes up. I’m still the same brooding asshole I was a week ago.”

  “You know she just—”

  “I know, Walt.” I didn’t need to be reminded that I was nothing more than a disappointment to her. “I know.”

  Chapter Seventeen

  Faith

  “Turn a little to the left and lift your right hand up. Tuck the hair behind your ear as you look out over the water.” I held the camera in place and waited for Kimber to do just as I had directed. She was a natural and one of my favorite models to work with. She was so sweet, not letting the fact that she was gorgeous and successful go to her head. She was most definitely a rare find in this industry. She was also only nineteen and hadn’t yet been tainted by the world, though I hoped she never would.

  “Perfect,” I encourage her as I knelt and tried to capture the perfect lighting that the sun reflecting on the water behind her provided.

  A part of El Matador Beach had been sectioned off for a private photo shoot. One of the top fashion designers in California was preparing to release the new swimsuit line for both men and women, and it was up to me to capture the perfect angles to highlight those pieces.

  Crowds gathered to watch, unable to come too close but still able to get a glimpse of some of the beauty this day brought. So many muscles and broad shoulders, mixed with gorgeous women with not an ounce of fat on their bodies.

  I waved the two waiting men to move closer, and carefully, they walked across the sand until reaching Kimber. Both men were tan and had that beach boy look. Surfboards were positioned in the sand off to the left, and the feel of the day was perfect.

  “Brody, I need you to step in a little closer to her left, and Ross, place your palm on the outer part of her thigh.” They did as they were told, and Kimber seemed completely unaffected by the two unbelievably fit men who were eyeing her like a prized possession. “That’s it, Ross. Now, step in a little closer behind her, but not so close that we can’t see your body.”

  “Is that your way of saying you like what you see?”

  Arrogant male models.

  “Of course, Ross.” I held the camera up and waited for the exact moment to present itself. “Who wouldn’t like it?” I added as he puffed out his chest and looked over at the other male model. They shared a knowing smirk, and just as they turned back to me, I captured that perfect shot—the one that appeared as though they were both admiring the gorgeous woman before them, and for a second, they seemed to forget about the lust flowing through their veins. That one second of elegant appreciation was there and gone.

  I pulled back the camera and stared down at the image, smiling to myself, knowing that, with a few small edits, this one was for sure going to be a keeper.

  When I finished with the three of them, I thanked them before moving on to the next group of models. This went on for a few hours, because unfortunately, not every one of the girls was as pleasant to work with as Kimber.

  If I had it my way, I would have used her in every shot and told the remaining stuck-up snots to go home, but it was all about variety. It did help that they all made the suits look amazing too. The attitudes, though, I could go without.

  When the sun began to set, I stayed behind, gathering up some shots for myself.

  Shooting on a beach at sunset was one of my favorites. It was right up there with taking shots of my father’s property.

  After taking more pictures than I could count, I gathered my camera bag and started walking down the beach toward my hotel. Carrying my shoes in my hand, I dug my toes in the sand and paused every so often to enjoy the light breeze coming in off the ocean.

  My mind continuously wandered to my last night with Aaron.

  The way he touched me, almost like everything that had happened before was long forgotten. He made it so easy for me to forget that, for him, us being together meant very little. The way he’d watched me as he moved his hips, his eyes locked on my own. The deep unspoken connection as he moved inside of me. If I closed my eyes, I could almost feel the way he felt.

  I wanted to walk away and have those memo
ries in my mind, but the second he whispered my name in the darkness, that moment was tainted once again by the regret he’d felt.

  His rejection had hurt, but it was my own fault.

  I made it back to my hotel, but instead of going inside, I sat on a lounger and looked out over the water.

  Gathering my phone, I took a picture then sent it to my mother. Knowing my father would appreciate a call more than a view, I dialed his number and waited for him to pick up.

  “How’s my girl?”

  I smiled, knowing full well that I was a daddy’s girl and being okay with that. He was always my best friend growing up…my hero. That had never changed, and I knew it never would.

  “Right now, I am sitting on the beach with my toes in the sand.”

  “Sand between your toes.” I could sense his distaste.

  “One day, I’ll get you on a beach, Daddy.”

  “Ain’t happening, darlin’. I prefer the grass between my toes, maybe some mud.” I heard the deep rumble of his laughter. Then I heard a saw in the background and the muffled tone of Dad covering up the receiver.

  “Daddy?” He didn’t answer me right away, but I wasn’t about to let it go. “Dirk Billings, you’d better answer me.”

  “What, darlin’?”

  “Don’t you darlin’ me.” Unbelievable. “You waited until I left town, then you double-crossed me, you stubborn mule.”

  Again, he laughed.

  “Tell me you did not go against the wishes of your doctor and go down to the shop to work.”

  I was met with silence.

  Then more silence.

  “Dad!”

  “What?”

  “I’m waiting.” Did he think I would actually just go away?

  “But, sweetheart, you said not to tell you I’d gone done to the shop, so I didn’t tell you that.” I hung my head and tried not to smile, but it was inevitable. This man was by far the most exhausting and stubborn man I’d ever known.