Just Breathe Again

by C. A. Harms

  ***

  I loaded another box filled with my personal belongings into the bed of my father’s truck. I’d made two trips from my parents’ house to my new home already, and this would be my last.

  Closing the tailgate, I looked back toward the porch to see both my mother and father sitting on the porch swing, watching me. I lifted my hand, giving a little wave, before climbing up into the cab.

  Twenty minutes later, I was pulling up into my driveway, feeling giddy and excited to start this new chapter of my life.

  The studio was doing amazing, gathering more clients than I could have dreamed of. I had weddings scheduled out for four months, and I started booking infant photos, which I couldn’t wait to get started. I’d even invested in some sweet and fun props for the studio.

  Everything was falling into place, and there was a sense that something was missing, but I knew where that feeling was coming from.

  Truth was, I wanted Aaron, even after the way he had dismissed me and left me feeling as though I wasn’t enough; I knew the truth behind his actions. That truth only managed to intrigue me more. There was a man inside all that pain that I craved. I wanted to know him.

  As I climbed the front steps of my place, I was met with a basket sitting near my front door.

  A WELCOME TO MY HOME plaque was leaning against the siding, just to the left of the basket.

  I paused, looking around the space in search of who it was who may have left the gift basket.

  Moving the cellophane aside, I was met with the aroma of something yummy, and after digging a little more, I found a Vanilla Cupcake Yankee Candle. There was also a set of coasters, some dishtowels, and a very soft throw blanket in a soft mauve color. The gesture was one of kindness, but still, I found no card, just a card that had two simple words written on it.

  Welcome Home.

  The penmanship was very neat, small, delicate, even. My mind ran over every possibility, yet in the end, I was still as dumbfounded as I had been when I first saw it sitting there.

  After unlocking the front door, I placed the basket inside on the coffee table and hurried to carry the last of the small boxes from the truck inside.

  Sheets hung over my windows instead of curtains, and on the floor were the remnants of the carpet that once covered the floor. I smiled to myself remembering the disagreement I’d had with my father when he had first seen the place.

  He insisted that the hardwood beneath wouldn’t be the original, and I held strong, refusing to admit that he might have been right. But the very second the carpet was peeled back, and I saw what lay beneath, I smiled at him triumphantly, and all he could do was laugh. There, hidden beneath, was in fact, the original flooring that was practically begging to be brought back to life.

  Some paint on the walls, some sanding, and staining on the floor, and I knew this place would look completely different.

  I locked the front door after I carried in the last box and made my way toward the large recliner tucked back in the corner. I could feel the exhaustion of my past few days catching up with me fast.

  Stretching my legs out, I looked around the living room, and within minutes, I could feel my eyes begin to droop.

  Giving in to the tiredness, I began to close my eyes as visions of a little dark-haired boy bobbed around the open space with a small dump truck in his hand. He made rumbling sounds with his mouth, and I smiled when I saw a pair of green eyes that mirrored my own.

  This house would be a home. I knew it. I could feel it, and I couldn’t wait.

  Chapter Twenty

  Aaron

  “She is persistent, I’ll give her that.” I had ignored Walt for the last hour, and I’d keep ignoring him for as long as it took to make these deliveries. “She’s planning on staying until you talk to her.”

  I grabbed the end of the hutch and waited for him to position the dolly beneath the side.

  “She’s even been spending time around town getting to know the locals.” My heartbeat felt like it rapidly increased, leaving an ache behind my chest bone. “She had lunch at Mable’s and went for a walk, checking out all the local stores. Had quite a bit to say about a lot of them.” I could feel my palms getting clammy. “Even purchased a set of images she found in Faith’s store.”

  And there it was.

  I looked up and met Walt’s stare, seeing a satisfied smirk cover his lips.

  “She did say that she hadn’t gotten the chance to meet the talent behind the lens, but she had every intention of going back in order to do so. Lynn appeared pretty enamored by Faith.”

  “You done?”

  He shrugged before positioning the dolly beneath the edge and relieving me of some of the weight.

  “All I’m saying is Faith has that way about her that draws people in. Worked on you.” Between him and Gran, they were enough to drive anyone crazy. God damned busybodies, always in your business when they should just back off.

  “Rae left a really pretty basket on Faith’s porch as a housewarming gift.” Now, he had my full attention. “She got herself a cute house, some acres, not a lot, but enough. House is a little big for a single lady, but I’m sure someday, some lucky man will come along and help her fill it up.”

  The ache in my chest returned, only this time, with vengeance.

  “Unless there’s already a man she has in mind.”

  “Old man, you are as bad as your prying wife.” Walt’s smile only grew wider. “I’ve told you before, and I’ll tell you again, Faith and I are friends, nothing more.”

  Nodding, he used his foot to level the dolly, and I held on to the cabinet as I guided it back.

  “Then do you mind telling me why you tensed up at the mention of another man making a life with her?”

  Walt didn’t move, and I didn’t respond, but on the inside, my mind was racing. Keeping a distance from her was hard. In my heart, I didn’t want her with anyone else, yet I knew how selfish that was. I kept telling myself that I didn’t want her, but that was nothing more than a lie. Why was that so hard to believe when I thought of it?

  ***

  I lifted one bag of groceries and positioned it in my arms before gathering the second. A gentle nod to Fred, the owner of the store, and I turned and walked toward the exit. Laughter that I’d heard before, and one that I used to hear almost daily, echoed, making me stumble as I looked around.

  Just outside, I saw the glow of her white dress as it blew in the soft breeze.

  I paused, watching her for a second and taking in her beauty. Lynn was back to the elegant woman I had once known. She shined, and it was almost contagious to those around her.

  “Rae mentioned you’re getting married soon?” the older woman who stood before her asked, and I felt like I was kicked in the stomach by her words. I recognized the woman as one of Gran’s bridge friends, Nancy Brighton.

  “I am,” Lynn replied happily as she held out her hand, flashing her big, over-the-top ring.

  They gushed over the size, the cut, whatever the fuck that meant, then the women looked up and saw me standing there, frozen in place as I stared at their interaction. “There is a handsome man.” I tucked my head, trying to hide the scowl on my lips. Nancy didn’t deserve my attitude.

  “Aaron.” Lynn said my name in the same soft tone she always used, a whisper almost.

  “You two know each other?” Nancy asked, just another busybody in search of some good gossip.

  Lifting my head, I locked eyes with Lynn but answered Nancy. “You could say that.”

  An uncomfortable silence fell over us as we continued to stare at one another until I’d reached the point that I had to break away. A huge part of me wanted to take Lynn in my arms and hug her. There were so many times after we’d lost Ivy that I craved that closeness from her. Just needed to feel someone near, someone who understood what I was feeling too. Yet, she left. She checked out and left me on my own. It may be selfish, but I wanted her to feel my pain. I wanted her to know how it felt to be tossed to t
he side. Maybe I was fucking jealous of the fact that she was able to move on, yet I was reliving that nightmare every second of every day.

  I moved past them and offered a nod as I briskly walked toward my truck. I could hear the shuffle of feet as she hurried after me.

  “Can you stop walking so fast?”

  Tossing the bags into the bed of my truck, I jerked open my door without glancing back.

  “I didn’t show up here to fight with you, Aaron.”

  “Then why the hell did you come?” Spinning around in a hurry, she moved back, surprised by my movements. “No phones calls, no contact of any form, then you travel thousands of miles so you can tell me you’re getting married. You’re moving on, forgetting about the life we had together, and acting like none of it ever happened. Do you even think about her? Do you close your fucking eyes at night and see that day, hear her cries?”

  “No,” she whispered, tears filling her eyes but not spilling over. Her lower lip trembled as she continued. “When I close my eyes, I picture her laughing and those big beautiful blue eyes looking up at me with such love. I envision her first birthday when you and I took one of her hands in each of ours and buried them in the cake so her little fingers were engulfed by the cake. I can practically hear our laughter as she squealed and shook her hands. Those are the things I see, the things I hear. I think about her every day, but I chose to live because dying inside is not going to keep our little girl alive, Aaron. If I continued to hide away, drowning in the darkness, her memory would be lost, and that is something I never want to happen.”

  My heart raced, and I felt as though the weight of the world was crushing my chest. I focused on my breathing, one deep breath in, followed by a slow steady exhale. The suffocating feeling I had lived with for years was closing in around me.

  “I love you, Aaron. I always have, but I think we both know our love was strictly between two very close friends until Ivy. I know your anger isn’t because I’m getting married but because you think I’m trying to forget her. But I can promise, I have never forgotten our sweet little girl, and I never will. She is part of me, and she will remain a big part of my life until my last breath. I just want you to let go of the anger and the guilt, and I want you to live.”

  “I am living,” I said through clenched teeth, trying to hold myself together.

  “You’re not living, Aaron. You’re floating through your days, hiding away from any chance at happiness. You are ignoring the things I know you’re feeling toward a certain someone because you somehow have convinced yourself that moving on means forgetting her, but that is not the case.”

  “I see Gran has been feeding you lies.”

  Lynn smiled, her eyes still shining with unshed tears. “That woman knows you more than I think you know yourself. If she sees something, then I gotta believe it’s there. Now, you just need to open up and see it too.”

  I half expected her to continue telling me all the reasons I shouldn’t be sad and lonely. Instead, she stepped forward and placed one hand on each of my forearms. Pulling her body closer to mine, she rose up and placed a gentle kiss against my cheek. “I’ve missed my best friend, and I know that, had I been able to look past the sadness I felt, I would have found you standing there with open arms. You were always taking care of me and Ivy. You were our hero, Aaron, and you always will be. Please let yourself breathe again without all the hate weighing you down.”

  Lynn pulled back but remained close enough that I could still hear her whispers.

  “Faith deserves to see the man you really are.” I tensed at the mention of her name, though I shouldn’t have been so surprised to hear it. Lynn had been spending every day with Gran, and if anything, Rae Landers was direct. “I haven’t met her yet, but she is very pretty.”

  Pretty didn’t even begin to describe Faith.

  “It’s time to heal, Aaron.” Dropping her hands away, she lifted one to cup my face. “It’s time to heal,” she repeated before lowering her hand and stepping back. One last glance passed between us before she turned and walked away, leaving me feeling hollow inside.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Faith

  I wasn’t exactly sure what it was I felt. Or if I even had a right to feel the array of emotions that seemed to be storming through me without a second thought.

  He isn’t mine.

  He was never mine.

  But seeing him with another woman, so comfortable and familiar, ripped a hole in my chest.

  I was startled by someone honking behind me, and I hit the gas, making the tires of my little clown car screeched. As if being the only little car amongst large trucks and SUVs wasn’t enough to draw attention to myself, I had to single myself out even more.

  I didn’t even bother to look as I hurried past and continued toward my studio. I was already feeling beside myself today, and that scene had simply added more power to the punch. I was exhausted from moving and spending days unpacking the things I needed to survive daily. I didn’t want to drag it out too much until I got each room painted.

  Originally, I had decided I would go room to room, repaint each one, and sand and polish the floors. Then I would go back and unpack the items that belonged there, organizing and decorating it exactly how I wanted.

  I had big dreams…and very little time. My energy level was slowly depleting, and the excitement I once felt was now replaced with defeat, an overwhelming weight that, no matter how hard I attempted to push past, continued to drag me down.

  I parked along the side of the road and grabbed my bag from the passenger seat.

  Stepping inside, I was met by Deanna, smiling brightly, and I paused with an eyebrow arched in question. “Chipper and friendly just looks weird on you, so tell me what is going on before someone jumps out and yells surprise. If that happens, I am punching first and asking questions later.”

  Rolling her eyes, she leaned back in her chair and crossed her arms. “If you punched Rae Landers, I may have to hurt you myself. That woman is the sweetest.”

  It took me a moment to register her words, then I looked over toward the small waiting area and found an older woman staring at me with what appeared to be a gift bag in hand.

  “I am so sorry.” I felt like a complete fool. “I didn’t see you there.” How I missed that we had a visitor was beyond me. It was generally the first move I made upon entering the studio, scanning the space because Deanna hadn’t quite nailed down the assistant role yet. She did, however, make a killer cup of coffee and brought me donuts daily. My ass may not think that was a bonus, but my taste buds adored her.

  “No need to apologize.” Standing, she took a few steps in my direction. The way her eyes roped over me slowly, as if taking me in, made me feel slightly nervous. This was the closest person to Aaron. She knew him more than anyone else in this town.

  Did she know about me?

  Then I panicked, hoping she didn’t, because if she had, what was her opinion of me?

  “Did you get your housewarming gift I left on your porch?”

  I had mentally prepared myself to give her every reason I could come up with as to why I had gotten involved with an unattainable man in the first place then froze when she asked me her question.

  “I knocked, but no one was home, and when I got home, I realized I had forgotten to include the card.” She held out the bag she was holding in her hands. “This was supposed to be part of the packet too, but it came in late.” I took it from her, still feeling a little dumbfounded by this sweet woman and her generosity.

  “I wasn’t sure if you liked flavored coffee, but that is my favorite.”

  Opening the top of the bag, I was instantly reminded of a certain man I truly needed to forget. The inviting scent of hazelnut filled my nostrils, and I took in a deeper breath, getting lost in the essence.

  “Do you like hazelnut?”

  “Yes.” Opening my eyes, I looked up to find her watching me closely. “It’s actually my favorite too.”

  “I’ve
always loved it.” I imagined it was also why it was Aaron’s favorite too.

  “Thank you.” My emotions were suddenly a little out of whack. I didn’t know what to say or how to act. I was a mess, and in reality, all I wanted to do was offer this adorable woman a hug. Oh, and ask her how in the hell I could break through the walls of the stubborn man we both cared for so deeply.

  “No need to thank me, sweetheart.” She reached out and placed her hand on my arm. Her palms were so soft. “I just wanted to be one of the first to welcome you to your new house and to offer you some things that may make it feel more like home.”

  “That was very kind of you. I loved every single thing you included. And this,” I held up the bag I was holding, “it is all perfect.”

  She smiled, and instantly, I was reminded of the way I had felt when my own grandmother pulled me in for one of her amazing hugs. That deep, warming sensation that was bone-deep, so comforting and special.

  “Now, why don’t you give me a tour of your studio?” I lifted my gaze and met her warm brown eyes. “It looks a whole lot different from the last time I was here.”

  ***

  Rae had long ago left, after gushing over my unbelievable talent. Her words, not mine.

  It was nearing four, and I was tucked away in my office, editing some shots from the infant shoot I had done a few days ago.

  Deanna had poked her head in a few minutes earlier and asked me if I was about ready to go, and she wasn’t happy when I told her I was going to be staying late. For some unknown reason I had yet to figure out, she felt when I stayed, she had to as well. Loyalty to me, maybe, or she was really going above and beyond to prove she could and would do the job I had given her one hundred and ten percent. Secretly, I loved the fact that she was here with me after hours. It gave us time to talk, gossip, or whatever we wanted to do.