Just Breathe Again

by C. A. Harms

Pulling into my driveway at a little after eight in the evening, I stared at my front porch and felt like a boulder had settled deep. Aaron had finished the railing; even after I had gone off the rails myself, he had stayed.

  And it was gorgeous—the perfect front porch to drink my morning coffee. It was welcoming, and guilt washed over me over the way I had acted.

  I went to bed that night, knowing that tomorrow, I had to find him and tell him the news. Even if it meant he would only again show his regret of our time together, he deserved to know he was going to be a father.

  ***

  I rolled over and blinked a few times to clear my vision. The alarm clock on my bedside table came into view, and the time displayed surprised me. I couldn’t remember a time when I had slept in this long. It was after nine.

  I stretched before climbing out of bed and slipping into a warm shower.

  The water felt amazing, and as I ran the loofah over my skin, I paused at my stomach, and a smile tugged at my lips. I was still feeling taken back by the idea that, just beneath where my hands rested, a small little person was growing inside. I wondered if it would be a boy or a little girl, and would they have my smile and maybe Aaron’s eyes?

  After my shower and taking my time to get dressed and curl my hair, I decided to go see my mother. I wasn’t sure when I would share the news of their grandchild in the making, but I knew that with my parents was exactly where I felt like being in that moment.

  I drove with the windows down, allowing the breeze to flow through my hair. It was seventy-four degrees, bright and cheerful, and the perfect fall day.

  Turning into my parents’ driveway, I crossed over Dusty Creek and slowed to listen to the sound of the water flowing over the rocks, a trickle I had always found soothing.

  Driving further up the driveway, the feeling of calm was quickly replaced with that of dread and fear. Aaron and Walt were loading packaged products into the back of a large Dusty Creek Designs delivery truck. There was no way to mistake the large, muscular frame and the stance. Aaron was one of a kind, and in my history in this town, I had never once run across a man built quite like him.

  The moment I eased past him, I could feel his eyes on me. I did my best to avoid eye contact. I knew I had to talk to him, and saying that was much easier than actually performing the task. I didn’t know where to even start. Did I just blurt it out? Did I ease into it by beating around the bush until maybe he figured it out himself? It was terrifying, really, because in my mind, all I could see was him saying over and over that he was not the guy who could provide a forever, and a baby was a forever thing.

  My parents were climbing into my father’s truck and paused when they saw me approaching. My father was wearing a tie, my mother wore the nice yellow dress I had seen her wear so many times before, and I remembered that they had plans for lunch with friends today.

  I slowed to a stop next to my father, and he leaned down, resting his elbows on the door as he peered inside. “Hey, darlin’.” He smiled. “You need something?”

  I had to think fast. I didn’t want either of them to feel as though I came to visit because I knew, without a doubt, they wouldn’t think twice about changing plans had they thought I needed them. “I was actually swinging by to grab the white backdrop I left upstairs.” It was old, and I had already gotten a new one, but they wouldn’t have known that.

  “You need some help? I can get Aaron—”

  “It’s nothing, Dad.” The last thing I needed was for him to drag Aaron over here. Talk about awkward. “It will take me a matter of seconds to grab it. You two go ahead and take off. I don’t want to hold you up.”

  “Are you sure?” My mother peeked around the truck.

  “Of course.” I climbed out of my car, leaving it running in the drive. “You’ll be late if you don’t hurry. Don’t let me keep you from your plans.”

  After offering them both a quick hug, they climbed up into the truck and started to back down the driveway. I hurried inside, grabbed the backdrop, and tucked it in the car before climbing back inside. Looking in my rearview mirror, I noticed Aaron staring my way, and I felt my chest tighten.

  He looked torn, and it was my turn to feel guilty. Maybe I said things I shouldn’t have, but the last thing I had expected was for the woman he was with to be his ex-wife. How was I to know, considering he told me nothing about her?

  Taking in one deep breath after another, I found the courage to move on and backed out before turning my car around toward him. He paused, stepping out from the truck as I grew closer. I could see he wanted me to stop, and as I did, I felt that it had grown difficult to breathe evenly. My God, I was terrified. This was harder than I had anticipated.

  He stepped closer to my car and leaned in toward the driver’s window. The very second his gorgeous face came completely into view, I knew I had to tell him, regardless of my worry over his reaction. It was like ripping off a Band-Aid. What was the use of taking this slow? He offered me a hesitant smile.

  “Hey,” he said.

  “Hi.” My voice was shaky as my nerves ran rampant. “I need to tell you something.” He simply watched me without saying anything in return, a look of confusion upon his face. “I wasn’t sure when I would do this, or even how, but now seems like as good a time as any.”

  “Okay.” I’m sure he thought I was about to tell him off like I did before, and part of me wished that was the case too. It would have been so much easier than the words I had to say.

  “First, I want you to know that I don’t expect anything from you. In fact, I am fully prepared to handle everything that’s coming on my own.” I paused, my stomach feeling tight with unease. I shifted in my seat, reaching into my purse in search of the pictures I was given yesterday.

  With one deep breath, I pulled one of them free and lifted it toward him. Watching his reaction was like seeing everything I needed to know being played out in slow motion. The earlier curious gaze turned into a frown, then his mouth gaped open as surprise registered, then suddenly, fear. A panic more as he began to shake his head slightly, then he stood tall, backing away a couple of feet to gain some distance.

  “As I said, I’m not asking for anything.” I felt a burning sensation fill my chest as the impending tears burned my eyes. I thought I had prepared myself for his regret and his refusal, but even being prepared for rejection didn’t shield my heart from this reaction. The hurt triggered in me was like nothing I had ever felt before. “I just felt that it was right I let you know. You deserve at least that.”

  Aaron stared at the image I still held out toward him but never once reached out to take it from my hands. He also never said a word. In fact, he didn’t move.

  “So, now you know,” I whispered. “I’m keeping the baby, in case you were wondering.”

  A part of me wanted to force him to react. Instead, I bit the inside of my cheek. Causing a scene in my parents’ driveway wouldn’t be the smartest choice. I wouldn’t force him to want me or our child. I placed the photo on to the passenger’s seat and gripped the steering wheel, giving him one last chance to say anything, only he didn’t.

  I slowly reached down and shifted my car into gear before moving my foot from the brake to the gas. I gently released the breath I’d been holding as the car began to ease forward, leaving a silent Aaron behind.

  The decision had been made. My future had been set.

  I would be a single mother, and I was terrified.

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  Aaron

  Guilt.

  Fear.

  Happiness.

  Devastation.

  I felt them all in one huge, unmanageable rush. My legs felt as though they were made of jelly as I wobbled on my feet.

  Reaching out, I placed my hand against the side of the truck to keep myself from falling to the ground, though it didn’t quite stop me as my knees met the unforgivable ground, and my body hunched forward.

  I felt Walt grab for me, but there was no way a man his s
ize could ever support my weight. When he said my name, his voice sounded as though he was speaking through a long tunnel. It echoed around me.

  I should have gone after Faith, but I couldn’t seem to move. Ivy’s laughter filled my mind, and flashbacks of my times with her through the years flipped in and out. The day she was born—that deep angry cry. A full head of black hair, slowly turning to golden blond over the months. It was all so very overwhelming.

  How could I love another child? How could I be a father again when I failed so miserably the first time?

  I had barely registered my movements before I was being nudged from the side and directed to sit in the passenger’s side of the waiting car.

  Gran’s car. Lynn was in the back seat. I looked around, registering the concerned looks on their faces, but I couldn’t speak. I literally could not form the words.

  “Should we take him to the hospital?”

  “No.” My chest was on fire. Anxiety and fear filled my lungs with each breath I took. “Take me home.”

  There was a pause, and neither of them said a word as the car began to slowly roll forward. The drive to my house was silent, but my thoughts screamed loudly.

  I was reaching for the door handle of the car before Gran had come to a complete stop and walked toward the back door. My feet felt like they weighed a ton each.

  “I’ll stay with him,” Lynn said in a rush before slamming the car door and hurrying after me. Gran said something in return, but I wasn’t exactly sure what.

  I paused just inside the back door and looked around my place. So many things had gone unfinished because of the time I had spent as Faith’s. Boxes of tile for the bathroom. A new sink and vanity sitting just outside the bathroom door. Cans of paint, rollers, and stir sticks sitting beside them.

  Lynn paused at my side, still not saying a word. Instead, she was just there, a comforting presence.

  “She’s pregnant.” Saying it out loud made my chest feel tight. “Faith.” As if I really needed to clarify who I meant.

  “And how does that make you feel?”

  I turned around and glared at Lynn. What the fuck does she mean, how does that make me feel? Was she really fucking trying to give me that psychobabble crap?

  “It hurts. It pisses me off, and,” I paused, overwhelming emotions taking me over, no matter how hard I tried to fight them, “ and it scares the hell out of me.”

  Terror ripped through me as I thought about losing another child. I knew I wouldn’t survive any more loss. I was barely hanging on as it was.

  “I’m sad.” I closed my eyes, and my mind wandered to Ivy. Somehow, I’d managed to envision her seeing me with another child and watching as sadness settled on her sweet face. “I don’t want to forget her, and I’m afraid I will.” A single tear escaped and ran slowly over my cheek before reaching my jawline and getting trapped in scruff along my jaw from not shaving for days on end. “I’m so scared of moving on and letting go of her. I never want to let go, Lynn. I want Ivy to stay right here forever.” I held my hand over my heart, and she stepped in to wrap her arms around me. “Moving on, loving another child, in no way does that mean you are forgetting our daughter. This baby, it’s a gift. Maybe even one Ivy is offering you.” I opened my eyes and looked down at the woman who was once my best friend in the world. “I like to think she’s watching over us, and it may sound ridiculous to some, but to me, it gives me the peace I need. Faith is carrying a piece of you, and in a way, it’s a piece of Ivy too.”

  I drew in a deep, shuddering breath and tried to rein in the sorrow I was feeling. Lynn was trying to make me feel better. I knew this, but I also knew that there was only one thing that could make any of this all right.

  “I need to talk to Faith.” I stepped away and ran my hands over my face. “The way I left things…how I just stopped there and said nothing when she showed me the sonogram picture.” I feel so disgusted. “I need to explain. She deserves to know it all.”

  ***

  It was just after eight, and I had been sitting in my truck outside Faith’s house for close to an hour like a God damned creeper, just staring at her front door, hoping for the courage I needed, but it never came. I knew it never would. I’d fucked up in so many ways with Faith. She had every right to hate me. But the idea of that made me sick. She got trapped in my hate when she didn’t deserve it. She got pulled into my heartache, and in the end, it was her heart that was broken. Now I had no idea how to mend it, but I knew I had to try.

  I took one step at a time as I climbed her stairs and paused at her door, taking in another breath.

  Lifting my hand to knock, the door came open in a rush, and a very angry Faith stepped out.

  “What do you want?”

  “To talk.” I could see she’d been crying. Her eyes were red and swollen.

  “The time for talking is over.” She crossed her arms over her chest, and her nostrils flared as she did her best to remain calm. “You’ve made yourself perfectly clear. You don’t want kids. And as I said, I don’t need anything from you. I can do this on my own.”

  I took a step closer, and she held up her hand, pressing it firmly to the center of my chest.

  “You can sleep with whomever you want, lie to whoever you want, just leave me out of it all. I don’t care anymore because, at this point, the only thing that matters to me is this baby. I’ll make sure they never know what it feels like to be unwanted. When they ask about their father, I’ll tell them that…” She waved her hand angrily before her. “Hell, I don’t know what I’ll tell him or her, but it sure as shit won’t be that their father was too big of an asshole to want them. No child should ever have to know what that feels like because it fucking hurts.” Her voice cracked, and she looked away from me. I couldn’t remember ever hearing her say the word “fuck,” but as angry as I have made her lately, I was sure, in reference to me, she has used it often. “I have no idea what has caused you to be the way you are, but what I do know is that I don’t deserve this, and neither does this baby.”

  When she pulled her hand away from my chest and placed it on her belly, I almost wept at the sight.

  “My little girl.” I whispered the words as I stared at her hand. “I wake up every day in a cold sweat after dreaming of the day I lost my family, wishing I could just go back to the beginning and do it all over again. Seeing the look on my little girl’s face or seeing my wife—” I paused the memory of that day flashing before me, the body of my lifeless daughter laying in my arms as I screamed for her to look at me.

  Just open your eyes, baby. Look at Daddy, Ivy. Please, angel, look at me.

  I hung my head, shaking it slightly as if to clear away the vision and the lingering thoughts.

  “I know I’ve hurt you, Faith, and I’m sorry.” I lifted my gaze to meet hers once more, and she watched me closely, the anger from earlier now gone.

  “I tried, in the beginning, to walk away because I knew how incapable I was of giving you everything you wanted and deserved. I knew it wasn’t fair. I wanted you to stop trying to figure me out and just accept that I was the type of man you should steer clear of. I was lost, and I didn’t want to be saved. I just wanted to be left alone.”

  I could feel myself falling, and fast. Unshed tears filled my eyes, and I looked toward the ground once more in an attempt to hide them. I didn’t want her to see me like this, to see me so weak.

  “I’m sorry, Faith, for so many things. I am sorry.”

  I needed to fall apart, and being here was only prolonging the moment I felt it was safe to break. I had never truly mourned Ivy. I had only bottled it up inside, creating a hole so big, nothing could heal it. Saying it out loud, seeing the dreaded moment all over again, there was no hope of tucking it back safely in its spot. I had to see it, live it, and I had to let it go.

  If I ever wanted to be the man I needed to be for Faith, and for our child, I had to face this head-on and crumble.

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  Faith

>   “Faith?”

  I looked up from the space I had been focusing on for the last hour, only to find the same woman I had seen with Aaron a few times standing before me. She seemed hesitant, hovering in the doorway of my office, holding her bag tightly to her as if at any moment she may run.

  Instantly, I saw the large diamond ring sparkling on her finger as it caught the reflection of the light just right.

  “I’m really sorry to disturb you. May I come in for just a few minutes?”

  I didn’t say anything. I just nodded my head and motioned for her to have a seat opposite my desk.

  I took the time to look her over. She was pretty but in a simple way.

  “I may be overstepping, but I had to stop by before I left town. Maybe shed a little light and help you understand Aaron a little better.”

  “I don’t mean to appear ungrateful or bitchy, but isn’t that his place and not yours?”

  She smiled and nodded but in no way tried to leave. “He should, yes, but he won’t. He’s too proud to admit he’s being an ass.” I arched an eyebrow, and she laughed. “He’s also too stubborn to let go of the wrongs and focus on making things right.”

  I leaned back in my chair, and she seemed to relax, seeing as I was no longer ready to usher her out the door.

  “He’s a good man, strong, proud, and I know it may not seem so, but he has a heart of gold. When he loves, he loves hard, but when we lost Ivy, he lost himself too.”

  I was still so floored by the idea that this woman was once married to the father of my child and that they’d had a daughter. A daughter they had lost, though I still wasn’t exactly sure how. “Aaron and I were always better as friends than we were as anything more. We were so young, and without too many details, a whole lot of alcohol and a late, late night made us a little more.” My stomach rolled at the idea of the two of them together, intimate. It was something I didn’t want to imagine. In fact, him with anyone in that way soured my stomach.