by Eric Vall
“Wait, wait, wait.” I held out my hands to interrupt the Archangel. “Phase of the war? I thought it was an eternal battle?”
The dark-haired man looked at me like I was an idiot.
“It is,” he explained. “But even eternity has to end at some point.”
“Revelations,” Todd said with a whistle. “The Apocalypse. The end of the world.”
“The final phase of the war between Heaven and Hell is said to bring about the end times, Jacob,” Sia chimed in. “The Master of Life will return and have his final showdown with Lucifer, with the fate of every mortal soul at stake.”
“When you say ‘Master of Life--’” I questioned.
“You know who she’s talking about.” Raphael nodded.
“Think tall dude with long brown hair and a white robe,” Todd explained. “Likes to multiply fish and turn water into wine.”
“So what Azazel did back there at the Chapel might have brought about the apocalypse?” I said with a raised eyebrow. “That seems like a lot of risk just to kill one mortal and a few succubi.”
“I agree,” Raphael mumbled. “But the size of a demon’s ego knows no bounds. You slighted him, and he wanted his revenge no matter the consequences.”
“It feels good to be wanted,” Todd snickered.
“So is this it?” I continued. “Are we in the End Times?”
“I don’t believe so.” The Archangel shook his head. “It all starts with a prophet named John, who gets a message from an angel and then goes around spreading the word that the end is near. It’s one of the reasons that we are forbidden from directly interacting with mortals in our true forms.”
“Are you telling me the big man upstairs is afraid of the end of the world?” Todd’s voice asked.
“Afraid isn’t the right term.” The man in the SWAT uniform shrugged. “It’s more like he wants to enjoy his creation for as long as possible before he blows it all up and starts anew.”
“Starts anew?” I couldn’t help but sound dumbfounded.
“I forgot that you are still a mortal.” Raphael shook his head and then looked at Cupiditas. “You’ll have to fill Jacob in when time is not of the issue. Which brings me to the reason I’m here.”
“Time?” Cupi protested. “Jacob says that we’re only two hours from our destination.”
“And for that I am grateful,” the dark-haired man conceded. “But with all due respect, the Cult of Azazel isn’t spending its time playing in amusement parks or fornicating in the middle of the desert.”
“You’ve been watching us?” I stood up and clenched my fists in anger.
“Off and on.” He nodded and then chuckled when he saw my frustration. “I didn’t watch you having intercourse, if that’s what you’re upset about.”
“I’m angry because you just stood back and watched when we could have used your help,” I grumbled at the Archangel. “The cult? The Skinwalkers? Sister Ira? Things would have gone a lot smoother if we’d had a freaking Archangel at our side!”
“The Accords only allow me to interfere when the situation is dire,” he explained. “Low-level demons and magic users attacking a mortal? Not within my jurisdiction. Now, one of the Kings of Hell threatening to break a centuries-old universal law? The Seventy-Two Servants trying to get back together? Those are most certainly ‘dire’ situations.”
“Uh-oh.” Todd observed. “That probably means he won’t be around during the climax.”
“Besides, I’m more than confident that you can handle yourself,” Raphael explained. “That’s why you and your friends were chosen for these missions.”
“So that’s why you’re here?” I groaned. “To nag us about not doing our chores fast enough?”
“I’m just trying to make you see things from my perspective,” the Archangel implored. “If what you discovered at the cult gathering was true, we could already be too late. Every second spent not focused on the mission is another second that they could be getting closer and closer to impregnating some poor woman.”
“Relax, Raphael.” Cupiditas butted into the conversation. “We won’t let the Nephilim be born. Besides, you of all people should know how important it is to unwind in the mortal world between battles. I once heard a story about you and one of the other ange--”
“Alright, Cupiditas.” The man raised a hand to cut her off. “I understand what you’re trying to do. You were always the expert at getting under people’s skin.”
“It must be working,” Todd whispered to me not-so-subtly.
“We’ll get to San Francisco, and we’ll stop the cult.” I scoffed at the Archangel. “Trust me, allowing the fucker Azazel to reproduce is the last thing we need.”
“I just wanted to touch base and make sure you were still on track before I headed off to my next mission.” Raphael nodded, and then he rummaged through his pockets and produced a handful of tiny black cubes. “And to give you these.”
“Oh, goodies,” Todd’s voice giggled.
“What are they?” Libidine plucked one of the cubes from the Archangel’s hand and inspected it.
“One of the greatest weapons a demon hunter could ask for,” Raphael explained. “Portable demon traps.”
“Portable demon traps?” I asked. “Like the Key of Solomon?”
“Precisely like the Key of Solomon.” He nodded. “Let me show you.”
The Archangel passed a cube out to each of us and then held out the remaining one in his left hand. He looked around cautiously, and then he engulfed it in white fire.
The second the flames surrounded the black cube, what appeared to be inscriptions lit up all around its body. A small projection of light shot out onto the ground, and the familiar image of the Key of Solomon stood before us.
“Well, I’ll be damned.” I shook my head in disbelief. “This will definitely be easier than sketching the Key out every time we need one.”
“Why didn’t you tell us of this technology before?” Cupiditas demanded. “That could have saved us so much trouble over the last few weeks.”
“I wanted to test your mettle.” The dark-haired man shrugged. “And besides, what kind of mentor would I be if I let you take the easy way out right off the bat? Remember, a complacent demon hunter is a dead demon hunter.”
“Thanks, I guess,” I muttered as I tossed the cube into the air and caught it nonchalantly.
“You’re quite welcome, my friends,” Raphael said, and apparently he did not catch my sarcasm. “Just remember- Stop the cult now, and then there will be all sorts of time to play later. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to China to see if I can convince the Jiangshi to join the side of the Divine.”
“That explains the military outfit,” Sia observed. “Good luck. The Jiangshi are not exactly the most reasonable species.”
“What the hell is a Jiangshi?” I asked, completely lost.
“Bro,” Todd interrupted. “They’re a type of Chinese vampire. But instead of feeding off blood, they suck the soul out of your body. Duh.”
“Duh,” I laughed sarcastically. “How foolish of me to forget that.”
“How foolish, indeed,” the imp snickered with a phony British accent.
“Check in with me again once the woman has been saved, and the cult has been defeated.” The Archangel nodded and then turned to walk away. “I look forward to hearing about your endeavors.”
Raphael gave us a smile, and then he walked away down the boardwalk. Even without his robes, the Archangel’s gait made it appear as if he was weightless and floating. As soon as he rounded the corner, a brilliant white light radiated from where he had just disappeared.
“Damn,” Todd mused. “That definitely means he’s not going to be in the climax.”
“What an uptight, pompous--” Cupi started to mutter.
“Now, Cupiditas,” Sia put a hand on the fit blonde’s back. “Despite the differences between Raphael and ourselves, he is our ally. We need to be kind to him.”
“But
sister--”
“No ‘buts,’ Cupiditas.” Sia scolded. “Remember what I taught you when you first arrived in the Circle of Sin?”
“When somebody insults you, turn the other cheek,” Cupi huffed.
“Wait, isn’t that from the Bible?” I chuckled.
“Is it?” Sia sounded dumbfounded. “I learned it in my HR courses!”
“That’s definitely the Bible,” Todd chuckled.
“Well I’ll be,” the redhead laughed. “Azazel would have been very upset if he’d known that’s what I was teaching these girls.”
“That reminds me.” I tapped my chin in confusion. “How did you acquire an MBA in the first place? These two told me that succubi were only allowed out of Hell when they were with a client.”
“Mostly accurate.” Superbia shrugged. “Our masters would, however, make occasional exceptions for his favorite members of the group.”
“Way to rub it in, sister,” Libidine joked playfully.
“Oh, now, it was a blessing and a curse,” the redhead retorted. “I got to leave Hell for full days on end without recourse, but in return I had to come back and manage all of these girls. As you can probably imagine that was no small feat.”
“Small price to pay,” Cupi cooed. “You know you loved every minute of it.”
“I did,” Sia said as she ran her hand up and down the blonde’s back lovingly. “And now that I followed you and Libidine to Jacob, I’m loving it even more.”
“Oh boy,” Todd’s voice intervened. “Am I watching a Lifetime original movie over here?”
“Don’t pretend you’re not loving this whole thing too, Todd.” I rolled my eyes.
“No doubt, bro.” The imp’s voice agreed. “Chicks dig the Toddster and his massive schlong. Plus we get to go around doing badass demon-slaying shit. It actually makes me kinda bummed that we’re only killing humans this time.”
“Even with the context that sounds horrible,” I laughed and then looked down at my watch. “We probably should be going if we want to make San Francisco before nightfall. At least we got to enjoy the beach and food for a little while.”
“Oh, hell no.” Todd protested. “You robbed me of Disneyland. You’re not going to rob me of going on some of these sweet-ass rides.”
“Raphael said--”
“Raphael, smaphael,” Todd interrupted. “Bro, the dude’s a man-bun wearing, metrosexual tight-ass. Is that really who you want to take orders from?”
“I don’t take orders from--”
“A man-bun, Jacob.” Todd continued. “A. Man. Bun.”
“Okay, fine!” I stuck out my hands in defeat. “These rides only last like five minutes anyway. Which ones do you want to go on?”
“I want to try that one!” Liby bounced and pointed to a white wooden roller coaster across the way.
“Ohhhhh, the Giant Dipper,” Todd exclaimed. “Excellent choice. I’ll race you there!”
“You’re on!” The succubus in the one-piece said, and then she took off in the direction of the roller coaster.
“We’ll go buy some ride passes and then meet you there,” I called out as she dashed across the boardwalk.
“Sister Libidine has always been the succubus with the most childlike wonder.” Sia shook her head. “It’s gotten her into more trouble than you can possibly imagine.”
“Oh, I can imagine quite a lot,” I said as we started walking back toward the entrance of the boardwalk.
“Sister Superbia jokes, but Liby’s optimism has gotten us through a lot of difficult times,” Cupiditas mused. “And when you’re a succubus working under one of Hell’s most ruthless generals, there are quite a few of those.”
“You’ll never go through those hard times again,” I nodded. “Not while I’m around. Azazel is gone, and we’re going to make sure he stays down in the dark abyss where he belongs, where he can’t hurt anyone ever again. And once we take out the rest of his little fan club? He’ll vanish into the dustbin of history, and Azazel, the King of the Fourth Circle, will be nothing but a bad memory.”
“I can see why Libidine loves you so much, Jacob,” Sia said slyly. “You share her optimistic outlook on life.”
“The massive dick probably helps, too,” Cupi added.
“Probably, Cupiditas,” the redhead chuckled. “Probably.”
We continued down the boardwalk for a few minutes longer until we finally reached the ticket booth. The miniature building was painted with an eggshell white color that almost appeared yellow upon first glance, and the roof shared a similar red-and-white striped pattern with Barnacle Bill’s. Even though the boardwalk was a fairly popular attraction, this particular structure was quite small, and there was no line at the furthest window. As we approached, we were met by a smiling blonde woman in a baby blue dress shirt.
“Hello dears, what can I do for you today?” She grinned at us through the glass.
“We need four ride passes, please.” I slid Robert Quinn’s credit card through the tiny opening at the base of the window.
“Alright, I have four all-day passes at thirty dollars apiece,” she mumbled as she typed at her register. “That comes to one-hundred and twenty dollars.”
“Put it all on the card.” I winked at the blonde. “I’m feeling like a big spender today.”
The blonde woman rang up our order, swiped the card, and then produced four red wristbands.
“These will get you onto any ride you want, free of charge.” She slipped the card and the wristbands underneath the window. “Enjoy!”
“Thanks.” I smiled. “We certainly will.”
“Wait!” the woman called out as the three of us turned to leave. “I just wanted to know, where did you two get those bathing suits? They’re so cute!”
The succubi smiled at each other, and then Sia pointed down the way. “They came from that store over there, dear. They are very comfortable.”
“I’m not sure I could pull them off like you do,” the blonde woman chuckled and looked down at the ground.
Cupiditas bent her fit torso down so that she could lean on the counter and look the woman in the eyes. As she did so, she arched her back, and her tight ass was directly in my line of sight.
I couldn’t help but stare at the blonde’s perfect body when it was on display.
“Of course you could,” Cupi purred. “You’ve got bigger breasts than either of us, and-- Could you turn around for a second?”
The succubus paused as the woman turned around.
“That’s what I thought,” she continued. “Your hips are wide, and your ass is very full. In fact, I think you’d put us to shame if you wore what my friend Sia is wearing.”
“Stop,” the blonde’s face turned red. “You really think so?”
“I know it,” Cupi purred. “What about you two?”
“You’re very attractive.” Sia let a sly grin slide up her face. “I would certainly like to see you in a bikini. Or less.”
“Jacob? You are the important one here, don’t you think she’d look great in a bikini?”
“I, uh-- I think you could definitely rock the orange one,” I stuttered after hearing the redhead’s words.
“See?” Cupiditas said with a sly grin. “Jacob knows beautiful women.”
“Yeah,” the cashier said as she blushed at me. “I can see he does.”
“Maybe the next time we come back here, we can take you on a shopping spree with Jacob.” Cupi giggled. “We’ll even join you in the dressing room to make sure everything fits as snug and tightly as possible.”
“That… That would be nice,” the blonde clerk stared at me, and then bashfully lowered her eyes.
“Until then, arrivederci.” Cupi winked at the woman behind the glass, stood up, and turned back toward Sia and me.
As the three of us walked back to The Giant Dipper, I tried to process what I’d just seen.
“You guys are really good with the teasing aspect of your job, aren’t you?” I joked.
&
nbsp; “Jacob,” Sia laughed. “You haven’t seen anything yet. Sister Ira is famous for the way she teases men. In fact, she does it so well that most of her clients say it’s akin to torture.”
“Yet they keep coming back for more,” Cupi added. “That’s the strange part.”
“Some people like to get blue-balled, I guess.” I shrugged.
“Oh, Jacob.” Sia clicked her tongue. “Blue balls are not even the half of it. Though it may be what you’re experiencing right now.”
“Very funny,” I chuckled. “If I whipped it out right here and now, I bet both of you would be on me faster than I could say ‘threesome.’”
“Maybe we could get that blonde from the ticket booth to join in and make it a foursome?” Cupi cooed. “She seemed to be enjoying our attention. Her lips were practically trembling when she looked at your handsome face.”
“I dunno,” I continued. “I doubt she would be able to keep up with you guys. Fucking is in your job description after all.”
“Was,” Superbia corrected. “Now, it is just a pleasurable pastime.”
“My favorite pastime,” Cupiditas made a smacking sound with her lips.
It only took us a few minutes to reach The Giant Dipper from the ticket booth, and both Liby and Todd were waiting for us when we got there.
The curvy succubus stood with her arms crossed over her massive chest, and she wore an impatient look on her face.
“Finally!” she laughed when she saw us with the passes. “Todd and I thought you got lost.”
“Nope,” Cupi giggled. “We just had to take some time to flirt with the sexy woman behind the ticket counter.”
“I missed that?” the dark-haired woman pouted. “Why do you always get to have all the fun, sister?”
“Well shit,” Todd’s disembodied voice spoke up. “I wish I could have been there to check out this bodacious babe. Though I’m worried she wouldn’t have been ready for this rockin’ bod.”
“Like the girl back in Kansas?” I asked.
“Be still my beating heart,” Todd sighed. “I still think she’s the one, bro. But nobody can handle this sexy hunk of imp. The world just isn’t ready.”
“Remember what we told you,” Libidine patted what I assumed was the imp’s head. “Once Jacob grows his connections and becomes more powerful, you’ll be able to shapeshift into whatever body you want.”
