by Eric Vall
“Well that almost makes me want to do the connection thingy with Jacob myself!” The imp giggled. “But no homo.”
“You know,” I laughed. “You keep saying that, but I’m starting to wonder…”
“No homo, bro,” Todd reiterated. “Now, are you ready for our sweaty, shirtless bodies to be thrown together from the whiplash of this roller coaster?”
“Sure thing, Todd.” I rolled my eyes and handed everybody their bands.
We strapped them onto our wrists and then walked over to the entrance of The Giant Dipper.
This was apparently one of the oldest roller coasters in America, and it showed. The red steel track was about as simplistic as they come, with a track that went through a few sidewinding bends and had a large hill. The entire structure was held together with whitewashed wood that looked like it had seen better days, but a handful of screams from above reminded me that it was still running as good as ever.
We came to the automatic ticket booth, and each of us held up our wristbands to the scanner as we passed. Then, we entered a small queue line area with a small television screen.
“What the fuck is that?” Todd asked in horror when the video started to play.
On the screen was a poorly rendered CGI Boardwalk Pass Card, complete with dead eyes, a mouth, and arms and legs. The little guy on the screen lectured about safety during the ride, but the imp kept tugging at the legs of my shorts to try to get me away.
“Comeon, bro,” he pleaded. “Safety is for pussys, anyways.”
“Todd’s got this thing where he’s horrified of anamorphic objects,” I whispered to the succubi. “Another reason why I really didn’t want to take him to Disneyland.”
The video finally ended, and we were released into the main queue for the coaster. The Giant Dipper had ride vehicles that could only fit two riders at a time, so we were going to have to split up.
“I’m riding with Liby,” Cupiditas wrapped her arms around her sister, and the two succubi walked over to the second-to-last car.
“I guess that means we’re car partners,” I chuckled to the redheaded madame.
“And me,” Todd reminded us. “I can be the meat in your Todd sandwich.”
“We’ve really got to work on your phrasing.” I shook my head, and then we got in line for the car behind Cupi and Liby.
It wasn’t long until the Giant Dipper finally pulled into the loading zone, and a teenager in a baby blue shirt motioned for us and the rest of the riders to hop in. The cars were blue and red, and they appeared to be made of nothing more than some sort of sturdy plastic.
I scooted over into the far side of the seat, and then I felt Todd bump into my outer thigh.
The redhead sat down delicately on the other side of the imp, and Cupi and Liby looked back at us eagerly.
“This is gonna be fun,” Libidine smirked.
“It’s like flying, but without the wings!” Todd exclaimed. “Or the threat of being shot down by another demon’s fireball.”
The teenager came around and pushed down the protective bar onto our lap. When he got to the succubi in the car in front of us, his face turned beet red, and he awkwardly fumbled to get their bar down without touching their exposed bodies. Once the bar was locked into place, I saw him scurry off to the next car with his head down.
“I think somebody just hit puberty,” Todd snickered.
“Attention riders,” a voice came over the loudspeaker. “Please remember to keep all hands, arms, and legs in the ride vehicle at all times. Have a safe trip and thank you for riding the Giant Dipper.”
“Here we go!” Todd couldn’t contain his excitement.
There was a shrill beeping noise, and then the ride vehicle lurched forward into a dark tunnel. The people on the ride let out their first scream of faux terror as we moved through the pitch-black space toward the light at the end of the tunnel. We exited the darkness and were instantly met with a steep hill. The ride vehicle began to climb, and the sound of metallic clicking rang in my ears. Tension continued to build as the cars ascended, and all we could see in front of us was the bright blue sky. I heard the passengers all the way at the front let out a scream as they went over the edge. Seconds later my body felt weightless, and I yelled with glee as we plummeted down the hill.
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a blur of white appear out of thin air and then quickly fly backward.
“Awwww fuuuuucckkkk!” Todd screamed.
Welp, that must have been his cowboy hat.
It was only another second or two before we hit another drop. This one was much smaller, but it still got the job done and kept my adrenaline going. We whipped around a steep corner, and I reached over and tapped Sia on the shoulder.
“Like this!” I exclaimed as I reached my hands up, and we approached another drop.
The redhead shot me a happy smile and then stuck her hands up into the air.
The rest of the ride consisted of smaller drops and more steep turns, and it was all over in a flash. As the vehicle pulled into the exit area, Sia laughed and laid her head against my shoulder.
Our car came to a stop, and the five of us exited the Giant Dipper.
“That was so much fun!” the curvy succubus giggled as we walked through the orange building that led to the ride’s exit.
“I must admit, I was impressed.” Sia shrugged.
“Impressed?” Cupiditas laughed. “Is that all you can say? That was fucking awesome!”
“I lost my cowboy hat, but I regret absolutely nothing.” Todd’s voice said from beside us. “I think-- Bro! We have to get a souvenir picture!”
Just before the exit, there was one of those shops that sold pictures that were taken just as the ride went over the drop.
I scanned the screens for the one of us, but it didn’t take me long to find. I nearly doubled over in laughter when I saw the image on the TV.
Cupi and Liby both had their eyes closed, and both of their breasts were being pushed up near their shoulders by the g-force of the fall. Meanwhile, Sia and I both had a goofy, giddy expression on our faces. But most importantly, the camera had captured us in the exact moment when Todd’s cowboy hat had fallen off.
“I’ll take the large print of number fifteen, please.” I smiled at the cashier. “The one with the flying cowboy hat and the sexy women.”
“An excellent choice.” The man behind the counter shot me a wink.
I handed him a twenty and then I turned to my friends.
“That’s totally going on the fridge when we get back to Phoenix.” I smiled.
The man behind the counter handed me the commemorative photo, and my friends and I exited back out into the hot California sun.
“We probably need to get going,” I said as I looked down at my watch. “It’s already late afternoon.”
“One more ride?” Todd asked innocently. “Please, Jakey?”
“We certainly have time for one more, don’t we?” Sia implored.
“Okay, one more.” I shook my head and laughed. “Which one do you want to do?”
“That one!” All three succubi pointed at the large white and red tower.
“Oh, you guys wanna ride the Double Shot, eh?” I laughed. “Then we’d better get over there before Raphael decides to come rain on our parade again.”
“That’s the spirit!” Todd laughed. “To the Double Shot!”
The tower launching ride wasn’t that far away from the Giant Dipper, but we still power-walked our way over.
Time was of the essence, but we still wanted to at least get our money’s worth out of the day.
There was no line, so the four of us simply scanned our wristbands and then hopped into the red-and-yellow seats. Libidine was on my left, and Todd was on my right. The other two succubi were off to the far left where I couldn’t see them.
Seconds later, the ride operator came around and secured all the protective chest pieces, including the one that covered the invisible imp.
“C
lear!” he called out to his partner in the operating booth.
I looked over, and the second man gave thumbs up to all the riders. He reached down to press something, and a loud series of beeps started to count down.
“What exactly is this ride again?” Libidine asked with a twinge of fear in her voice.
Before I could answer, we were launched up hundreds of feet into the air. The succubi, Todd, and I all screamed as the ride took us up, dropped us a few dozen feet, and then took us up again.
For a brief moment, during one of the pauses, I opened my eyes and was met with one of the most beautiful scenes I’d ever seen in my entire life. We were hundreds of feet in the air, and to my right the magnificent Pacific Ocean stretched out before me as far as the horizon would let it go. Off to my left, I could see the bustling boardwalk, framed by the beautiful mountains off in the distance. Then the ride decided it was going to drop us again, and my eyes instinctively whipped shut.
After a few more ascensions and drops, the five of us were all safely back on the ground. The safety pieces on our chest clicked loose, and I raised it up and slid down out of the ride vehicle.
“I think I liked that more than the roller coaster,” Sia laughed.
“I second that, sister,” Libidine let out a shriek of happiness.
“I still can’t believe you humans do this kind of stuff for fun,” Cupiditas added.
“And I still can’t believe it’s not butter!” Todd’s voice cackled in glee.
We exited the ride area, and I checked my watch once more.
“I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but--” I began.
“Yeah, yeah,” Todd said. “We gotta go do hero shit and all that.”
“Thanks for being so understanding,” I laughed.
“You still owe me a trip to Disneyland.” The imp refused to let it go.
“And we will have to come back here for that delicious-looking blonde. After all, Jacob is the best ride here.” Cupi smirked.
All I could do is laugh and shake my head. “We’ll see what we can do. But right now, we have a cult to stop.”
Chapter 16
It was now early evening in the bay area, and the warm rays of the setting sun shined through Shadow’s windows as we rolled down the interstate.
“I still can’t believe you made us leave that place, bro.” Todd pouted from the passenger’s seat of the Jeep. “What would one more ride on the roller coaster have cost us?”
“Literally, nothing,” I chuckled. “We paid for everything using Quinn’s stolen credit cards. Now hypothetically, it could mean the difference between victory and the end of the world as we know it.”
“See?” Todd mused. “No big deal.”
“Speaking of Quinn’s credit cards,” Sia spoke up from the back seat. “Have you actually checked on their balances? Or his bank accounts?”
“The dude was loaded, Sia.” I responded. “I’m sure they’ll last us for a while. Besides, I thought you were the one who was supposed to be in charge of the finances?”
“Most of Quinn’s accounts have a voice-activated log-in system.” The succubus shrugged. “I was hoping our little friend could help out with that.”
“Moi?” Todd said in a surprised voice.
“Yes, ‘moi,’” Sia chuckled. “If you can use your powers to imitate Quinn’s voice, we can find out just how much we’re dealing with.”
“Great idea, Sia.” I nodded as I reached down into my pocket, produced my cell phone, and then tossed it over in the seat next to Todd.
Without taking my hand off the wheel, I dug into my back pocket, pulled out my wallet, and then stuck it out for Todd to take.
“Bro, you’re trusting me with our finances?” the imp couldn’t contain the joy in his voice.
“Normally I’d say it was against my better judgement,” I laughed. “The last time I gave you money for rent, you blew it all on that conjuring book.”
“Which was the best decision the Toddster’s ever made!” he giggled.
“Exactly.” I nodded. “There should be a number to call on the back of those. Now do your thing, Toddinator.”
The imp snagged my wallet out of my hands and then pulled out the cards we’d stolen from Quinn. He held up the first one with his hand and the cell phone with the other, and he squinted as he dialed the numbers with his tiny thumb.
With each tap of his claw onto the display, I was thankful that I had a screen protector.
“Welcome to WETA Bank card services,” the automated voice on the other line answered. “How can we help you today?”
“Howdy,” Todd belted out in Quinn’s voice. “I was just here wonderin’ if you could tell me how much ah had left on my credit line.”
A small beep was heard on the other end.
“Your WETA Bank Card is unlimited, and currently holds a balance of three-hundred dollars,” the voice explained.
“Yeeeehaaaaw!” the imp exclaimed. “That’s the best durn news I’ve heard all day. Thank ya, doll.”
Todd clicked the button to hang up the phone, and I couldn’t help but laugh.
“He’s got a southern accent, Todd.” I smiled. “That doesn’t mean he’s one of the Duke Brothers.”
“Ahh…” Todd clicked a finger gun at me. “Gotcha. Maybe more of a Boss Hogg kinda thing?”
“I think he just wants you to tone it down,” Cupi giggled from the back seat.
“Toned down, got it.” Todd said as he typed the number on the back of another one of Quinn’s bank card.
“Welcome to Alliance Banking,” a voice rang from the other line. “Please state a command.”
“Now I say, I say, could you kindly di-rect me to the numbas of mah finances for this account?” he said into the phone.
“Now he’s doing Foghorn Leghorn.” I couldn’t help but put my hand to my face as the words came out.
There was a moment of silence, and then a happy beep.
“Hello, Mr. Quinn,” the automated voice responded. “Your account balance is… One-million dollars and fifty-seven cents.”
“A-thank you, kind sir,” Todd said as he hung up.
My heart pounded in my ears at the automated voice’s words.
“Did that thing just say we have a million dollars?” I stammered.
“Ah do believe so,” Todd snickered, still in Robert Quinn’s voice. “It looks lahk we’re gonna have ourselves a guhd time tonight.”
“Holy fuck that’s a lot of money!” I could barely keep Shadow on the road because of my shaking hands. “I thought we’d hit it big back in Vegas, but a million dollars? And a credit card with no limit?”
“That’s a lot of herb, bro!” Todd jumped up and down in the seat next to me.
“We’re fucking rich!” I exclaimed. “For real this time!”
“Yet, to somebody like Quinn, that’s just a drop in the bucket,” Libidine mused. “And if we’re not careful with it, that million will be gone before we know it.”
“Quinn probably wouldn’t even think twice about wiping his ass with that sort of dough,” Todd added. “Bro, donuts actually sound really fucking good right now for some reason.”
“Ewww,” I gagged at the imp. “Those two mental images should not go together.”
“That may be a lot of money, but we must be careful.” Sia warned. “As helpful as Todd’s power is, somebody is eventually going to realize that Quinn is missing. Especially once he stops making payments on these cards, and his account is drained.”
“All the more reason to max them out while we have the chance,” Todd exclaimed. “We have an unlimited line of credit and only a couple of months to spend it. What about if we went to Vegas again? They’ll do cash advance on credit car--”
“No!” Cupi, Liby, and I shouted in unison.
“Ah yes, your encounter with Gallu,” Sia laughed. “I remember that Azazel was fuming when he found out about that.”
“I’m surprised he heard about it at all.” I shrugged. �
�The news just said that there was a fire at the Excalibur. Nothing about a dead bull-man. Nothing about any sort of scuffle. Nothing.”
“It’s the Illuminati, bro.” Todd coughed through a cloud of weed smoke. “They took care of the body and are covering up the whole thing. They don’t want the people to know, man.”
“You know, Todd,” I shook my head, “A few months ago I would have laughed in your face and said you were just baked out of your mind. But now? I’m ready to believe just about anything.”
“It’s the power of the reefer.” The imp stuck out his joint and admired it lovingly. “It unlocks that other eighty percent of your mind that you don’t use.”
“Well that’s just bad anatomy,” Libidine chuckled. “If you really used one-hundred percent of the synapses in your brain, you’d probably just stroke out and die.”
“No, dudette,” Todd argued. “I saw it on a documentary once. You become all enlightened and can get special powers and shit.”
“Todd, that wasn’t a documentary.” I laughed. “We saw it in the movie theater.”
“Potato, potat-o.” The imp shrugged.
In the distance, the large cluster of lights that had been peeking through the evening sky started to become recognizable as the skyline of San Francisco.
“There it is, guys.” I nodded toward the buildings in front of us. “San Francisco, the Golden City.”
“It’s massive,” Libidine marveled. “This makes Phoenix and Vegas look like villages.”
“I forget that you guys didn’t get out often,” I laughed. “This isn’t even the biggest city in the United States, let alone the world.”
“How can you humans live in such crowded conditions?” Cupiditas asked. “Surely this must be causing issues?”
“It sure does, blondie,” Todd laughed. “They even wrote a song about it back in the eighties for charity. We are the World or some shit like that.”
“That’s… That’s definitely not why they made that song.” I shook my head and then looked back at the succubi. “Surely Hell has the same problem?”
“Don’t call her Shirley,” Todd cackled, now completely in a baked-out state.
