“If Dallas killed Clayton, Rya wouldn’t be left with a choice, and eventually she would have hated Dallas for taking the choice away from her.” Caleb talks patient and slow.
“Still, he should have killed him.” Betrayal to Cassius is lethal. It eats him from the inside.
“Then what? He’s dead, then what?” Caleb’s calm, but I can feel the tension roll off Cassius.
“I guess he would be dead, and that would be it.”
“Would it be it? Would it make that much of a difference?”
“To me it would. Maybe not to you, but to me.”
Silence bunches in a tight fist on Cassius. Caleb is tension-free, loose with his hair blowing in the wind because he rolled down the window all the way.
“Clayton thought it was a big step for you.”
“Fuck Clayton. Fuck his big step.” Cassius is riled up now with a hostile point of teeth.
“You can tell Clayton I’m only seeing him one more time, and that will be it. No more.”
“Listen, Cash, I’m not your go-between. You have something to tell him, tell him. Don’t use me as some sort of message machine bitch.” Caleb reaches down between the seat and pulls another juice box out and crushes it in a swallow.
“Why one last time?” He’s curious now, leaning slightly toward Cassius.
“I have something to give him, then it’s over between us.” Cassius looks out the window.
“I could give it to him if you want?”
Cassius’s head turns quick, his mouth opening slightly. “Are you for real?”
“What?” Caleb asks, and Cassius shakes his head with his tongue held except for the directions turn left or right.
“You seem mad. Are you?” Caleb pokes.
“I’m not mad.”
“You seem mad. Are you?” More pokes and Cassius grinds his teeth.
“We should do dinner tonight, my house, homemade pizza grilled on the barbecue. The kids can make their own. They like that, and maybe you can bring your better mood with you, Mr. Moody.” He pokes some more, and Cassius starts to laugh under his breath after a while.
“This road, turn here.” We drive slow. Cassius is scanning the area.
“Pull up here, beside the black truck.” The back of a male is facing us, and it looks like he’s locked out of his truck. He keeps trying the handle before he hits the side with the flat palm of his hand.
Cassius rolls down the window all the way, and the wolf looks at Caleb and Cassius before nosing inside. He stops, holding his eyes against my face. I’m polite; I smile, shoving my glasses back up the bridge of my nose.
“Tommie, right?” Cassius is not good with names, but he remembers this wolf’s name.
Tommie pauses. “Cash, right?”
“Right, this is my brother, Caleb.” Caleb gives him a nod, Tommie’s eyes fall all over him, and for a minute Caleb seems uncomfortable with the attention.
“I was wondering if you could tell me where Hazel lives?”
“Why?” The look that comes across Tommie’s face is very telling. Hazel is not his favorite wolf. I think it hurts him to say her name. It comes out sounding like rubble grinding together.
“I just wanted to apologize to her for yesterday. Clearly, I made her uncomfortable.” Tommie laughs with his hands on his knees, bent over. He laughs and laughs with tears starting in his eyes. He holds his gut.
“No, you didn’t. She doesn’t rattle easily. She’s not here, anyway. She’s left for Vegas on business.” My heart jumps in triumph. Not here. I try not to smile. I try.
“Do you have a number I can call her at?”
Tommie’s grin seems murderous as he reaches into his back pocket.
“As a matter of fact, I do.” He hands the card to Cassius, who touches the picture of her eyes on it. Caleb takes the picture from his hands and grunts with a disgusted shake of his head before tossing the picture back at his chest.
“Tommie.” A female on a bike rolls up with a small pup on the front of the handlebars of her bike and a male maybe six riding the pegs on the back frame.
She parks the bike before coming over to the truck. She has those delicate pretty looks, with a small nose and nice lips. Her eyes outstate her face, big and welcoming.
“Hello, Cash, hi, Treajure.” She remembers our names. I give her a little wave.
“Hi.” Cassius, by his tone, has forgotten her name. Addie’s eyes fall to her feet. If she was wearing glasses, they would have slipped off her face.
“Addie, her name’s Addie. You just met her last night.” Tommie’s words come out aggressive. Caleb straightens himself out. I can see a hint of teeth between the crack of his lips. Maybe even a small rumble from his chest that has no effect on Tommie.
“I knew that.” Cassius voices over the rise coming from Caleb’s Wild.
“What are you doing here?” Tommie ignores Cassius, turning to Addie. She lights up. Caleb’s back fur rises, and Cassius is calm.
“I brought them for a swim. They get crazy if they are cooped up in the house for too long.” Both the pups are off and running toward the backyard.
“Gotta go. Nice seeing you again. Cash and Treajure.” Addie waves to us before turning and following the running pups.
“Cash, you should call Hazel. Tell her I gave you the card. Make sure she doesn’t charge you the full price, not worth it. Trust me. She likes to be haggled with.” Tommie once again has murder spread across his face in the form of a smile.
Caleb pulls out of the driveway before opening his mouth.
“Not sure I like that wolf,” Caleb announces.
“Why?” Cassius asks.
“Did you see how he was looking at me? He either wanted to fight me or fuck me.” Caleb sounds a little shaken.
“Are you afraid to fight him?”
“Fuck no, I could take him. It’s just he looked at me a little too long. I felt like meat.” Caleb turns the wheel quickly, and I feel myself leaning to the side.
“Carson and Tommie went to school together.”
“I knew it, he wants me.”
“Not everyone wants you, Caleb.”
“You’re right, not everyone, but most do.” Caleb turns up his smile.
“I don’t think Tommie likes Hazel.”
“What gave you that impression?” There is a flatness to Cassius’s voice.
“Did you hear how he said her name? It was like his skin was being carved up.”
“True.” Cassius scratches at his beard.
“So Hazel. She has pretty eyes.” Caleb picks up the card again, looks at it, throws it back at Cassius’s chest. I want to scream, Toss it out the window, we don’t need it. You don’t need her.
“She does have pretty eyes.” A ghost of a smile traces on the words that just came out of Cassius’s soft lips.
“With a card like that, I wonder what she does in Vegas?” Caleb taps at the steering wheel with the palms of his fingers, nails pristine, not a chip in the paint. Cassius frowns.
“Are you really going to call her?”
“Yep.”
Caleb regards me in the rearview mirror before his eyes slide away.
My turn to look out the window and think quietly that I have to stop these feelings toward someone who will only leave ash in his wake.
Letter 9
You called me damaged, I called you insane. I’m not damaged. I was never abused, I was never hit, and I was never raped. I didn’t grow up with hunger; I didn’t grow up with parents who fought or had problems. I’m not damaged. My fault is I can’t get over love. I can’t get over Clayton. That’s not damage, that’s heartbreak.
But you, Cash, I’ve ruined you, haven’t I?
This isn’t some kind of heartbreak for you, because you have to be in love for heartbreak to happen. Let’s face facts. We don’t have the love. We have the bond. We have that between us but not love. You’re dealing with ruin, and I’m dealing with heartbreak.
It’s going to be hard,
but you’re going to need to try and stuff your self-pity somewhere else after these twins are born. You won’t be good for them if you can’t rebuild what I destroyed. You need to be good for yourself in order to be good for them. They will need you, Cash. They will need a father who isn’t dwelling on what’s been ruined but what has been created.
You’re going to need to be selfless, not selfish. You’re going to need to put them first, not yourself. You have to stop focusing on the way you’ve been hurt or how shit didn’t work out for you. Drink a fucking beer and move fucking on. Harsh, I know, but sometimes you need to hear the things people want to say to you but don’t because they are afraid of hurting your feelings. I’ve never really cared about your feelings, have I?
You’re a dweller. You dwell and think too much. You have to get over it; you have to move on. It’s the only way to be happy, Cash. I want you to be happy. I want you to be a good father to the twins. I want you to love someone who will love you back. But you won’t do that if you dwell on the things that can’t be changed. Make peace with this, Cash. Make peace with yourself, and make peace for your children’s sake.
You’re lucky. You’re going to see them grow; you’re going to see them turn over, crawl, take their first steps. I don’t want you to miss out on the good things I have brought to you because you couldn’t get over the ruin I caused you.
You’re going to be able to kiss all their boo-boos better. You’re going to be their father that they look up to, learn from, who they brag to the kids at school about. You’re going teach them to ride bikes and eat ice cream cones. You’re going to play with them and tell them bedtime stories. You’re going to be their leader. Lead them with laughter, and love. Not with ruin, Cash.
I’m so jealous that you get to be real to them. I won’t be, just something that they hear stories about. I’m so afraid that you don’t have any good stories to tell them. Make shit up if you have to; tell them the good stuff, Cash, that I loved to draw. You can tell them that I always wanted to go to art school. Make sure to tell them to do the things they want to do and not wait to do it. I wish I would have gone to art school. I should have gone.
If the twins show a creative side, involve them in the arts. Take them to classes; let them explore their gift. I saw that you started to draw. I peeked in your drawer and saw your sketches. You’re really good. I never knew you could draw. Does your family know? Don’t hide your gift. Be proud.
This is going to be hard, Cash, but life’s hard.
Kennedy
Chapter 10
Bitter is the Taste that Lingers
The sun’s bright, but the rays are filtered through the tint in the windows. I still feel as if I am burning up when Cassius pulls out his phone and I have to watch in horror as Hazel’s number is tapped in painfully slow. The seatbelt cuts into my chest when I try leaning forward to hear her talk on the other end.
“You should call her later when you’re alone.” Caleb sounds dry, like he needs another juice box—his eyes find mine before looking back at the road.
“I want to speak to her.” Cassius runs his finger over the image of her eyes, like something that is holy and divine, as he waits for her to answer her phone.
“Is this Hazel?” He uses a voice that I’m not familiar with; it sounds cold. I shiver.
“I want an appointment.” There’s a flex in Cassius’s jaw while I slump into the seat.
“Tommie referred me. He gave me your business card.” A pause while he listens to a voice I can’t hear on the other end.
“Tommie said to ask for the discount.” He pulls the phone from his ear. I can hear her voice that has risen, but I can’t make out the words.
“Do I get a discount?” he asks again, and this time I can hear Hazel on the other end.
“No discounts! Tommie has no idea what he’s talking about. He doesn’t know me or my work, but I promise after we’re done, you will have a new understanding of what I do.” Hazel’s voice seems to raise the hackles between Cassius’s shoulder blades. I can see the ridge fur trying to poke through.
Cassius’s face drops lower than Hazel’s voice just did as he listens to her, and my gut drops like I’m falling from somewhere high. I might get sick. A window rolls down while fresh air pushes in.
“Book me a spot.” There is a wait. He taps the card, and the frown slides away, replaced with something dark, cunning.
“Saturday, seven. See you then, Hazel.” He hangs up, raises up slightly in the seat to push the card into his back pocket.
“You’re really going to meet her in Vegas?” Caleb’s eyes shift to the side at Cassius. I watch him through the rearview mirror.
“Yes, I am. I just have to find where she’s staying at.”
“Wait, so you’re going to Vegas, you don’t know where she’s at, and you’re going to show up there at seven?” Caleb shakes his head.
“I’m going on a hunt. It shouldn’t be that hard to track her.” There is an uprise to his voice; the beat of my heart follows the sound of him upwards.
“What about the twins?”
Cassius gives him big eyes. “That won’t work on me, brother. You’re not Dee.” Caleb huffs out.
“Please, only for the weekend.”
“Why do you want to do this?”
“I need to, I don’t know, I just need to go. I—” Cassius looks out the window, not able to finish his sentence—mouth clamped tight.
“So you’re going to pay someone to fuck you? I’m sure you can find a willing female in the pack to help you out with that, brother.”
“They don’t look like her. They don’t have those eyes.”
Pain eats up my throat. I try to swallow; I try to blink it away. Nothing happens. It’s still there, eating at me raw.
“Those eyes are a fucking problem—they don’t belong to Kennedy. They belong to a female named Hazel, and the impression I get is that not a lot of people like Hazel. That is a fucking problem.” I’ve never heard Caleb cuss so much. Usually, he never cusses, but right now, I think he’s really angry. He’s angry at Cassius.
“Will you take the kids for the weekend?” He avoids everything Caleb just said and continues to look out the window. The sun is so bright, yet inside here it feels like everything is shadowed in soggy dampness. I’m starting to sweat.
“I’ll take the kids, but I don’t agree with this.”
“Thank you.”
“What will you tell Mom and Dad?”
“That I need to get away for the weekend.”
“Well, Mom’s going to sniff around that, won’t she?”
“I suppose, but I’m hoping you’ll take her off the trail.” Cassius doesn’t plead; he just asks straightforward. I press a flattened out hand against the window. It’s cool on the inside even though the outside is hot. I’m still sweating, though.
“You’re going alone, right?” There is a hush to Caleb’s voice.
“Yes, I’m going alone.” Cassius’s words retreat, quiet and slow.
Once again Caleb’s eyes search into mine. His fingers tap against the steering wheel. “Good,” he says as a final word.
“I don’t think this is going to be a mistake.” Cassius goes silent after he says that, and Caleb doesn’t speak, either. My bones ache like someone just swallowed away my marrow.
“I don’t know about that, but to each their own.” Caleb presses his point but continues to stare forward, not making eye contact with me. The rest of the ride home I stare out the window, with my head pressed against the glass. It’s a struggle not to cry.
The sun’s rays don’t penetrate through the windows. It’s dim, dark almost. It reminds me of how Belac found me. It was so bright outside, but in the culvert, it was shadowy with a muggy heat. I didn’t know then, but she saw a picture of me in the paper scavenging for food at the dump with the article saying the wolf population in the area has increased. It went on to include tips on how to keep your pets safe.
Belac immediately
knew what I was, and she came every day with fresh meat. Raw and blood-soaked. She was patient, and eventually, she won trust with a soft-spoken voice and gentle hands. The food helped, too. I didn’t shift right away. I followed her home; the walk was slow because I couldn’t see very good.
We ran into a male. Later I found out it was her brother crossing into her territory. I’ve never seen Wilds fight before, but when her brother said she should show me mercy and put me down, Belac sprung and was on him with teeth. The sounds they made had me running and running back to the culvert, to the security of being underground. I didn’t come back out until I heard Belac outside the tunnel. She was beaten really bad; she was dragging her hind leg that was almost torn off. She didn’t shift to the skin; she stayed in the cocoon of fur. She curled up in a ball. It rained that night, and I thought she was going to drown when the water started to get deeper. I tried to move her with teeth, but it was too hard.
There was no choice but to shift from fur to skin, dragging her out of the water with my fingers clinging into the scruff of her neck. I tried to scream for help, but nothing would come out. I found out that my voice was gone.
Belac shifted from her cocoon of fur to skin. She regarded me with rain dripping into her eyes. She screamed as if in real pain, but I didn’t see her get hurt again. Her arms opened up wide, and I stepped into them, naked and soaking wet.
We were skin to skin.
She rocked me. “No more,” she said. “No more. You’re safe now.” She said it like a promise, and I closed my eyes and wanted to believe the promise.
The sound of the door closing scatters the memories away.
“Treajure, give me your glasses.” Cassius is blurry, and I have to find my glasses that are on my lap.
He’s quiet for a moment, and I can hear him play with the arms of the glasses. “The screw is a little loose on the right side. I’ll fix them when we get home.” He hands them back to me like it’s no big deal that he’s become the caretaker of my glasses. He bought a repair kit, and he’s always making sure they fit properly. He likes to take them off my face so he can clean them and make sure none of the screws have become wobbly. Cassius will spend a half hour sometimes on them, making sure everything is just right, but what I like most is when he puts them back on my face.
Cassius (The Wildflower Series Book 3) Page 8
