A Season Lost

by Sophie Turner

  She had so many responsibilities awaiting her, and yet when Fitzwilliam turned to her and asked, “Should you like to go out for a ride this morning, Georgiana?” she was very tempted to postpone them for a little longer and go with him. When he added, “Grace has been brought down from Pemberley – I am sure she is eager to see you – and you will learn in the weather we have had that any relatively fair skies ought to be seized as an opportunity,” such temptations were complete. She had missed riding, had missed Grace in particular, and had not spent nearly as much time with Fitzwilliam as she would have wished since she had returned.

  “I would like that very much,” she said, “although I cannot go far, in chance Caroline should need me.”

  “Of course,” said Fitzwilliam, smiling. “We needn’t go far, but at least you might see more of the grounds. We can have a groom mounted and waiting at the house, to find us and summon you back should your daughter require you.”

  Thus, Georgiana went up to the nursery, where Caroline would remain for the day, nursed her once more, and then changed into a riding habit. The ordeal of her birth and the demands of nursing had largely reduced her figure; it was nearing what it had been before her pregnancy and the habit, while snug, was wearable, although it felt as foreign as a sari might have, the heavy fabric knocking about her ancles as she walked out to the stables. These buildings showed little of the lack of upkeep that betrayed itself at points within the house, but Georgiana suspected her brother’s active management of their renovation to be the cause of this, rather than anything the former owners had done. She entered to the faint smell of fresh paint, walking along the foaling boxes, in one of which was not mare and foal, but instead what appeared to be a broken-down old cart horse, one Georgiana thought must have been too decrepit to move and had therefore been abandoned by the old owners.

  Approaching her, Fitzwilliam cleared his throat and said, “That is – Seagull. He is my latest acquisition.”

  He could not possibly have said anything more incongruous to Georgiana at that moment, and she turned to look at him quizzically as he walked up beside her and gazed into the stall.

  “He was hitched to a stagecoach at one of the inns on our journey here – the Anchor, which I highly encourage you to avoid, whenever you travel to town. He had broken down; he was on his knees, the poor creature, but the ostler did not recognise him as a lost cause, and would have whipped him to death, I am sure, before giving up.”

  Georgiana conjured such a scene in her mind and was horrified. “Did you stop him?”

  “I did, and bought the horse so they would not attempt to use him after we left, and I fear I must beg the use of your stables for him until he is well enough to journey to Pemberley. He does improve, but it will be some time before he is ready for so many miles.”

  “Of course, Fitzwilliam. It is the least we could do after you have taken such care with ours for so long.”

  They stood there, silently contemplating the placid nag for a few moments, before he said, “We lost old King, last year. Founder – there was frost on the far side of the field where he was turned out. The first bout was severe, and he grew worse from there.”

  “Oh, Fitzwilliam, I am so sorry.” She touched his shoulder until he turned so that she could embrace him, and was surprised when what had begun as a light gesture became a deep embrace, as he held her close – closer than he had been able to the day before, with Caroline between them – and said, “Thank God we did not lose you. Oh, thank God.”

  Georgiana had understood his worry for her, but the depth of it had not been revealed to her until now, and she wept, as affected as he was. It was a long time before they separated, both needing to apply their handkerchiefs to their eyes.

  The mood was lightened when Grace, who was in the aisle having her tack applied by a groom, heard her mistress call out her name and whinnied loudly in response. Georgiana rushed up to her, pleased the mare remembered her at all, much less so well as to extend her muzzle so that her mistress could stroke it and murmur happy nonsense to the horse about how much she had been missed.

  Georgiana was mildly concerned about returning to the saddle on such a spirited creature as Grace, and thought for a moment to ask that the saddles be changed between her horse and Matthew’s calmer Phoebe, whom Fitzwilliam was to ride. Yet it was Grace she had missed, and Grace who was accustomed to the side-saddle, and once Fitzwilliam had very carefully assisted her up into the saddle and she had grasped the reins, it did not feel as if it had been more than a year since she had done this. She trotted around the paddock in growing comfort, and once Fitzwilliam had been mounted upon Phoebe, felt herself more than equal to a little ride around the grounds.

  They set off companionably, the heaviness of earlier seemingly gone. Yet Georgiana knew it could not be entirely gone: such a weight was not easily lifted, particularly when the first topic Fitzwilliam raised, after they had enjoyed a long canter across the grounds and slowed to a walk, was not an easy one.

  “We have not had a chance to speak of aunt Catherine,” he said, “but we should.” The happier tale of Anne and Mr. Smith had been told over dinner, but now he proceeded to detail all that had meant regarding Lady Catherine and Anne, ending with the Darcys having broken with their aunt. “I did not wish to do it, but I have warned her repeatedly that I will not bear insults to Elizabeth, and still she did so.”

  Georgiana felt a strange mixture of emotions, upon hearing this. Her fondness for her sister could not but prompt anger at her aunt’s treatment of Elizabeth, and she remained glad that Anne had gained health and seized her happiness. Yet she also felt sympathy for Lady Catherine, to be alienated from her entire family.

  “Do you – do you expect that Matthew and I should break with her as well?” she asked, finally.

  “No, of course not. That must be your own choice. In truth I do wish some portion of our family would retain the connexion. She will never be alone – she has taken up residence in town and will no doubt reign over her circle of dowagers – but that is not the same as a familial connexion.”

  Georgiana nodded. “We shall retain it, then, at least for now. Like you, I could not bear to hear her insulting my sister.”

  He smiled to her, the emotion of earlier returned to his face. “It makes me so very glad, Georgiana, to know that Elizabeth has been the sister to you I had hoped she would be.”

  Georgiana returned his smile, although with a trembling in her stomach; she knew she owed it to Fitzwilliam to speak of Caroline’s christening herself, and there was no better time to raise the topic than now.

  “Fitzwilliam, I – I wanted to speak with you, about Caroline’s christening. I did not wish for you to feel slighted, that you are not her godfather. Had we done the christening in England, I would have wanted it to be you. Once Lord Amherst offered, though, it would have been very difficult for us to turn him down. And – connecting Caroline to someone outside of the family did seem to be the better choice for her. I struggled so much to have her, Fitzwilliam – I would do anything for her to have the best possible life.”

  “I understand,” he said, nodding.

  “It is still very important to me that you be a part of her life. You have been like a father to me, since papa died, and you will be the nearest thing to a grandfather she will ever know.”

  “Of course – I very much want to be a part of her life, although I am not certain I like to think of myself as a grandfather, even if I am well on the other side of thirty, now,” he said, endeavouring to smile at his own jest, but succeeding so little that Georgiana could see his turn of thought was more serious than his words. “Georgiana, I wish I had been a better guardian to you. I look back now and see so many errors, so many things I might have done better. I am only glad you turned out to be a remarkable young lady despite my own failings.”

  “Oh, Fitzwilliam, I wish you would not say that. I never found you wanting as a guardian.”

  “You are kind, sister, but I surely
failed you in – in the Ramsgate matter.”

  Before this journey of hers, Georgiana would surely have felt a rush of lingering shame, to be reminded of Ramsgate. Yet it never came. That time seemed so far away, now, that it hardly even troubled her to think about it. “You never recall my own failings, in that matter – I ought to have known better.”

  “You were too young to know better, and that is where your guardian should have guided you.”

  “I do not think we will ever agree on this, Fitzwilliam. Perhaps all we can do is compromise and say that we both have things we would have done differently,” said Georgiana. “It is so far in the past, though; I do not like to dwell on it any longer.”

  “You are right, dear sister, and I am sorry to even have reminded you of it. Elizabeth says we must think on the past only as it gives us pleasure, and I believe she is in the right of it, even if I am not always so good at recalling her advice.”

  “She is right, I am sure. It is better to think of today, to be happy today,” Georgiana said. “When I understood I was to have a child, when I understood that what remained for me might be counted in months, I knew I had to spend them with Matthew. And I tried, every day, to enjoy the time I had. I cannot claim I always succeeded, for every day cannot be perfect, and I cannot deny that I was afraid as I came nearer to giving birth, but generally it was a happy voyage for me.”

  “And are you happy, now?”

  “I am. I know our lives are to change, but so long as I have my family with me, I am happy, and I know that I shall be in the future.”

  Fitzwilliam smiled, and might have replied, but for a groom that could be seen approaching on horseback. The two riders urged their horses forward to meet him and were informed that Lady Stanton was needed in the nursery. Georgiana looked apologetically towards her brother, but he smiled again and said, “We could not have stayed out much longer anyway, with those clouds on the horizon. Should you like to test yourself with a gallop back?”

  “I believe I would.” Georgiana was about to urge Grace forward when she recalled that Fitzwilliam was riding a less spirited horse, and allowed him to go first. Phoebe was not slow of foot once she was encouraged to move, and it was no little effort for Grace to catch her when given her head, although catch her she did. Georgiana could feel herself using muscles she had not used in more than a year, could sense she might come to have regrets over this later when soreness set in, but still she let Grace go, feeling the cool wind whipping across her face, glancing over at Fitzwilliam to see that very old joy their father had imparted on them: the joy of sweeping across the countryside on a good horse. It did not matter that it was Hampshire instead of Derbyshire; it did not matter that they were returning so Georgiana could nurse her daughter; Georgiana had meant what she had said, about trying to enjoy each day, and on this day when Matthew was absent, she found joy instead with her dear brother.

  +++

  Elizabeth had been married long enough that she had no hesitation in entering their apartment while her husband was within, bathing, but not yet long enough – she hoped it would never be long enough – that she could fail to be affected by the sight of a well-formed pair of shoulders, resting against the lip of the bath-tub that had been brought into the room.

  “Is that you, Mrs. Darcy?”

  “It is. And what would you have done if it was not?”

  “I do not know. I had been hoping for Mrs. Darcy, and admittedly have not prepared myself for any other potential intruders.”

  Elizabeth chuckled, and came to kneel behind him, laying her hands on those shoulders she had admired. “How was your ride?”

  “It was very good – I think it could not have been better. You were right, that Georgiana’s actions regarding the christening were on behalf of her daughter – everything she does, I believe to be on behalf of her family. She does value family above all else.”

  Elizabeth ran her fingertips along his shoulders. “Much of that, I believe, she must have gained from you.”

  “Less of it than you would give me credit for, I think. She had to struggle to grow her family – more so than we did – and I believe those struggles shaped her as the mother and wife she is today.”

  “It is just like you to take all of the blame, if Georgiana did not value family above all else, and none of the credit, upon learning this is what she values most highly.”

  He did not speak in response, instead turning his head to kiss her knuckles.

  “I am glad you had a good ride,” Elizabeth said, squeezing his shoulder, and rising to leave.

  “No, stay,” he said, grasping her hand and bestowing further kisses upon it. “Join me here.”

  “Darcy, I am fully dressed.”

  “Dresses may be removed. I understand this happens with some frequency, for ladies. Indeed, I recall having done so myself, on occasion.”

  Elizabeth laughed. “You shall have to do so again – at least to help with the buttons and laces.”

  “I believe myself able to the task. I have a very strong incentive.”

  He did indeed prove able to the task, and then watched his wife with evident admiration as she removed her shift and draped it over the bed. The water was still very warm when she climbed in and leaned back against him, feeling him draw his arms loosely about her, his hands on her belly.

  One of them came up, eventually, to play with one of the curls at the nape of her neck, and Elizabeth arched her back at the delicious sensation, although this did not prevent her from teasing: “You must not do harm to my hair, for while you may be capable of dressing me again, you are not capable of restoring it.”

  “That is a shame. I adore your hair when it is loose.”

  “You ought to have thought of that before you stole my cap. A great deal could have been hidden under a cap, but I fear your admonishment of Kelly was the seed of this quest to make me fashionable. Now I believe there is no one between here and Paris who could restore this style, aside from her.”

  “Elizabeth?” he trailed his fingers along her jaw and ran them over her lips.

  “Hmm?”

  “As much as I admire your maid’s work, I did not invite you here to speak of our servants.” He dipped his head to kiss her neck, then shoulder, quite silencing his wife aside from a ragged sigh. Then he leaned back and returned his fingers to the curl that had so fascinated him before, and Elizabeth relaxed into his ministrations.

  There was something languidly sensual about this, something that would only end in one way, yet neither of them was in any hurry to see things to such a conclusion. In this moment, it was enough simply to be there in enjoyment of each other’s presence, and for Elizabeth, to be glad her husband’s ride had brought about what seemed a substantial lightening of his spirits.

  +++

  The clouds that had been on the horizon earlier arrived, in a steady drumming rain that lasted through dinner and still had not stopped by the time they all retired to the drawing room together, with Darcy the only man in residence. Yet despite the dreary greyness outside, they were a happy, convivial party, sharing further tales of all that had happened while they had been apart.

  Into this Norton entered, stating there had been a rider come from the Darcys’s house in town with several letters that had been delivered there. He handed them over, but Darcy took them without his old eagerness. What he claimed was not one, but two of the thick oiled silk packets from Georgiana, and he held them out to his companions, chuckling a little.

  “I suppose we finally have those letters that were unaccounted for,” said Elizabeth, laughing with him.

  “Which ones were they?” asked Georgiana.

  The answer took a little time to ascertain, for all the layers of each packet must be removed, but one proved to be from China, and the other from London, the packet that had been entrusted to Lord Amherst.

  “How odd, that two things sent halfway across the world from each other should arrive on the same day,” said Fitzwilliam. Then he set
the letters aside; they would be read later, surely, but could never be prioritised above the conversation of the young woman who had written them.

  +++

  Georgiana laid in her bed, listening to the sounds of a country night. They were the sounds she had known all her life, and yet they seemed strange, now, when she had grown accustomed to the creaking of a ship around her, the feet striding across a wooden deck above her, the bells chiming every half-hour to mark the time. Here at Stanton Hall, there was merely a faint wind outside, the occasional creak of the house, and an owl, somewhere off in the distance.

  When Matthew had been with her, Georgiana had been eager to sleep in a proper bed, yet now, strangely, she found herself missing her cot, or rather that gentle swaying of the cot that had helped her gain sleep so rapidly. She felt hollow and alone, in the stillness, for while her daughter was in the cradle beside the bed, Caroline slept soundly. Georgiana glanced at the child as she rose from the bed and went to the window, opening it and staring out into the dark night.

  It was stranger to her than she had expected, to be returned to land. Those nights in Bombay had been a novelty, but this was now to be her permanent home – her permanent, unexpected home. She had been so eager to leave the Caroline and see her family again, and she had not thought to say good-bye to the life she had known for more than a year. There would be no more of that naval world, no more days of beautiful blue-water sailing, no more new ports to anticipate and discover, and this thought struck her with far more of a sensation of loss than she had expected to feel.

  Chapter 44

  The next morning’s papers made clear that both Lord Amherst’s refusal to ko-tou and Captain Stanton’s actions on the Pearl River had become widely known. Georgiana read with relief that while there seemed to be some questioning as to the purpose of the embassy, particularly when it had not accomplished any furthering of trade, praise for Matthew seemed to be unanimous. At least, it was written, the British had come away with a show of their might, and given Captain Stanton had already been made a baronet for his victory during the Hundred Days, perhaps the Order of the Bath was called for. This latter suggestion Georgiana read with particular pride, and although there was no guarantee the reaction of the Admiralty would be the same, it did seem in Matthew’s favour that public opinion was on his side.