‘Cheers for that.’
‘Sorry. I’m being honest. You are a bit nerdy, you know, and it’s one of the reasons I like you. So…’ The serious expression returned. ‘I found out where you went at break times, and at the risk of sounding like a stalker, I asked around about you. I got some pretty varied replies I can tell you, mostly good. Best musician, best actor, bit of a clown. Some of the other comments, I chose not to believe, and I followed you to listen when you practised. Then, after the third day, I plucked up the courage to talk to you.’
This was news to Liam, and he wondered what else people had said about him. Now was not the time to ask.
‘It wasn’t an accident,’ Casper said. ‘I knew you’d be finishing your practice because it was near the end of break, and when I heard you put the piano lid down, I leant on the door on purpose, so I’d fall in, and we’d have something to talk about.’
‘Yeah, okay, Cass, but where are you going with this? My hands are getting cold.’
Gary would be shouting up soon, wondering what was keeping them, but Casper didn’t seem bothered.
‘The letter is more succinct,’ he said. ‘But I’m getting there.’
‘Alright. Go on.’
‘I never told you the whole story,’ Casper continued. ‘Most importantly, the reason I had to move schools, why my mum is so determined to leave the country.’
‘The thing she caught you doing must have been pretty bad, but it doesn’t bother me.’ Liam had been trying to think what that might have been. Casper was never in trouble, he was the model pupil, and as far as he knew, the model son. It was impossible to think of Cass as the bad guy.
Casper nodded before taking another deep breath. About to speak, he stopped with his mouth open and changed his mind.
‘You know you’re my best mate, right?’ he asked.
‘I want to be.’
‘Yeah, well, you might not in a minute.’ He took a quick gasp of air. ‘My mum… She caught me jerking off to porn.’
‘Nothing wrong with that.’ It was a gut reaction and a truthful one. Liam did it often, but he’d never been caught. The humiliation was unthinkable. ‘Name me anyone in our year who hasn’t. Oh,’ he added. ‘She went mad at you because of her church thing? She’s very religious, right?’
‘That was one part of it,’ Casper said. ‘But…’ He huffed as if annoyed with himself for not being able to find the right words. When he did find them, they were not what Liam was expecting. ‘The other part was… It was gay porn.’
‘I reckon everyone’s looked at that too,’ Liam said. He’d watched all kinds of porn, gay, straight and beyond. It was no big deal. ‘I know Jason has, and as for the two Steve’s…’
‘You’re missing the point.’
‘It’s not a great crime,’ Liam reasoned. ‘But then, from what I’ve seen of your mum, not putting an ornament on a doily is a hanging offence, so, yeah, I can see how she might go off on one.’
‘You’re still missing the point.’
‘Then tell me what it fucking is, Cass. I can’t feel my fingers.’
‘I engineered our first meeting.’
‘You said.’
‘I’m such a nerd myself, I’d worked out the physics of my weight against an opening door, the distance I could fall before toppling over, where the handle was in relation to where you would be standing…’
‘Everyone likes to make an entrance.’
‘I did it so you’d have to catch me.’
‘That’s a bit over-dramatic, yeah, but so?’
‘It was meant to be a message. For fuck’s sake, malaka. Read between the lines.’
When Liam did, his heart stopped beating.
‘Then we struck up this friendship.’ Casper wasn’t deterred by Liam’s confused silence. Instead, he used the pause to leap back into his story. ‘It meant so much to me, it still does. It always will. I knew that from day one, but I also knew that it would have to come to an end, because I’d promised my family I would be joining them next year. It could only be a temporary friendship, and I had to content myself with that. Besides, I was never sure.’
‘About me?’
‘And about myself. More so when my mum dragged me to her priest and made me confess about the porn, and he beat me with the Bible. Literally. Then, the more I got to know you, the harder it became not to go too far. I held back because I wasn’t sure how you would take the over-familiarity. I found it really hard sometimes. I didn’t want to put you off me, yet I wanted to know if you were the same.’
The same.
The words let alone their meaning still hadn’t fully registered, and Casper’s confession still hadn’t hit home. Liam could only think about defending himself.
‘Cass, I told you I was.’
‘Yeah, two nights ago and for the first time.’
‘And your reaction was to ask me why I had to make things difficult like something was my fault.’
‘Because it made things worse for me, and I was in a bad mood.’
‘How d’you think I felt?’
‘I know. I’ve fucked up the last two years, but I’m not the only one who’s been keeping secrets.’
‘You only had to ask.’
‘So did you.’
‘Yeah,’ Liam huffed. ‘And risk losing you as my mate. You’ve never said anything. Never asked me, never even dropped a hint.’
‘I have, but you’ve never noticed.’
‘Fucking hell, Cass, I’ve been mad about you since I saw your instrument in the broom cupboard—and that came out all wrong, but you know what I mean.’
‘Sorry to tell you,’ Casper said, restraining a smile. ‘But you’re never going to lose me as a friend, not unless that’s what you want, and even then, I’d put up a fight.’
‘Yeah. This time next year we’ll be best mates by email. I’ll have to learn your news from Fakebook and follow you on Instagram.’ Liam was shaking his head, but then so was Casper. ‘You know it’ll just peter out.’
Casper was still shaking his head, but now his eyebrows were raised, and the smile had refused to fade.
‘What?’ Still processing the news, Liam was more confused than ever. ‘You like the sound of that?’
‘I spoke to John,’ Casper said.
‘What’s he got to do with anything?’
‘A lot, actually, and not just knowing the best place to see the Ribblehead Viaduct.’
‘You spoke about me?’
‘About a lot of things.’ Casper took up playing with the grass, pulling at tufts and dropping them, only occasionally raising his eyes in a weird expression of someone seriously trying to contain a smile. ‘It was the way he was in the tent,’ he explained. ‘It was like being with a doctor. You know, how they know exactly what to do and do it like it’s nothing. You instantly trust them and want to tell them everything. But he wasn’t distant like a doctor. He wanted to know about me, kept me talking while he took my temperature, kept me awake while he assessed me, there when I woke up. Then, when we were coming down, I just opened up. It was like I couldn’t help myself, or he was drawing it out of me. Hard to explain, but I wanted to tell him everything, and by then, I knew for sure that you were gay. You’d finally told me, and you’ve never lied to me.’
‘That’s true.’
‘And because you’d told me, it only compounded things. I couldn’t tell you how I was because you’d get your hopes up. If I’d allowed anything to happen, we’d have been forced to break it off because of what I have to do. It was going to be hard enough not being around you as a mate, let alone anything else.’ Another deep sigh. ‘Coming down the mountain, we’d been apart for about twelve hours, and I told John I already had black eyes.’
Liam could only manage a crook
ed face and a, ‘What?’
‘It’s an expression,’ Casper said. ‘Means you’re missing someone really badly. It’s how I feel every day at the end of school when you go your way, and I go mine. I know you had to leave me in the tent, but it was the worst night of my life. I didn’t know if you’d found help, if you’d fallen on the way down and weren’t able to get up. I imagined a hundred worst-case scenarios, including one where you just kept on walking, and I never saw you again because I’d pissed you off. I was about to tell John all this when we found that poor bloke. That’s why he told me to come with him in the Land Rover, so I could finish what I needed to say.’
The words dried in the rising breeze. Liam’s fingers were painful, and Casper’s ears were turning red.
‘Okay,’ Liam said. ‘I think I need time to process all this.’
It was what Liam had always wanted to hear, but there was no point in listening. Casper’s future was set to take him in a different and distant direction, and to dwell on what could have been would only add to his pain. Unwinding his legs to relieve their stiffness, he was about to stand when Casper clamped a hand over his knee.
‘I haven’t finished,’ he said.
‘They’ll be getting worried.’
‘No, they know what I’m doing.’ Casper grimaced an apology. ‘This was John’s idea. When I told him I didn’t know what to do, he suggested I go with him to pick up my bag. It gave me more time to get all this straight in my head, and he told me what I should do. Kind of. He somehow managed to make me tell him what I wanted, and then he came up with this way around it.’
‘Cass,’ Liam said. ‘You’re rambling, I’m freezing my nuts off, and I don’t think they expected us to be up here so long.’
‘I’m not moving,’ Casper said and threw a handful of grass into the wind.
‘We have to. Unless you want to walk over the top of the fell and down the…’
‘I’m not moving to Greece.’
‘Don’t be stupid.’
‘I’ll have to do the army at some point, but there’s no reason why it has to be straight away. I can defer it for years.’
Liam’s bravado was crumbling, his eyes were watering, and it wasn’t because of the breeze. The shards of Casper’s message were finally fitting into place like the pieces of a torn photograph, and as they came together, he began to make out the image.
‘But your mum?’
‘I’m an eighteen-year-old Greek man,’ Casper said. ‘I can do what I want. She can go, and she will, and she’ll get over it.’
‘Will you tell her you’re…?’ It had been impossible to think it let alone say it until now, but suddenly, it made a sense too perfect to comprehend. ‘Tell her you’re gay?’
‘Fuck no. Poor woman. Her ideal Greek son a poustis? May as well drive a stake through her heart. No, that’s something I’ll have to lie about for her own good. At least for now.’
‘Like you’ve lied about it to me? To spare my feelings?’
‘I understand why you’re bitter.’
‘Yeah, right,’ Liam snorted. ‘Bloody hell, Cass…’ The image was not quite complete, and Liam couldn’t figure out what was missing.
‘Where will you live?’
‘I’ll find somewhere.’
‘We’ve got a spare room. I’ll speak to my dad, he likes you.’
‘It’s not for months yet.’
‘Sometimes, he takes work.’
The missing piece wasn’t an arrangement. It wasn’t practical or tangible; it was something Liam couldn’t grasp. Casper was gay, Liam was gay, they were best mates, and their friendship was not going to be forced to end, so why was the future not clear? What wasn’t right about it?
They stared at each other, neither knowing what to say next until Casper said, ‘Why the fuck didn’t I say this months ago?’
‘Daft, isn’t it?’ Liam said, glumly. ‘But hey. It’s said now, and it’s all good. We’re best gay mates. We should go down.’
Casper’s head shot up from where he had been fiddling with his shoes.
‘Get your mind off the porn, Einstein. I meant down there.’
Casper grinned, but it was fleeting. ‘I really am sorry, Lee.’
‘No, no, I get it. We’re still mates, only… different.’
‘Maybe.’
‘Maybe?’
‘There’s something I want to ask you.’ Casper squared his shoulders. ‘Lee…’
‘Sorry guys, but your tea’s getting cold.’
They turned their heads in surprise to find Gary peeking over the top of the ledge.
‘And John’s keen to copperhead a new chimney. Do you mind finishing this later?’
His tone suggested they were in danger of overstretching his patience, and as Gary clambered up to join them, they stood, flustered, their minds immediately on the descent.
Liam wasn’t sure if he was going to be able to concentrate, but the sight of Casper shaking out his stiffness and cracking his knuckles as if their conversation hadn’t just happened, gave him strength.
‘Sorry, Cass,’ Gary said as he unhooked two devices from his belt. ‘But it’s too cold to be sitting about any longer. Had you finished?’
‘Almost.’
Casper had come out, admitted to a secret he’d previously been unable to share, turned his back on his mother’s expectations, and turned Liam’s life on its head. What more was there?
Liam’s mind was wiped clean as Gary fixed a descender to his rope and the danger of what they were about to do swept over him.
‘Okay.’ Gary examined the equipment. ‘You’re set. Give me a minute to get down, and I’ll shout up when ready. You know what to do?’
‘Jump?’ Casper quipped, but it didn’t go down well.
‘If you want to kill yourself,’ Gary said. ‘But better if you do this.’
Standing at the edge of the cliff as if the drop wasn’t there, he called down to John who shouted back that he was ready.
‘Back to the void,’ Gary instructed. ‘Lean out, bend your knees.’
He was hanging over empty air, and Liam felt sick.
‘The temptation is to walk,’ Gary continued, miming the action. ‘But if you do that, you’ll likely end up face-first on the rock. So, lean out perpendicular to the rockface keeping your centre of gravity adjusted to the angle. It’s easy. You’re standing, only you’re upright in relation to the rock, not the ground. When you’re ready, press your lever and off you go. Harder you press, faster you release the rope, and if it gets away from you, just let go. Bounce down if you want, it’s more fun. Oh,’ he added, righting himself. ‘I nearly forgot. Liam, come here.’
‘What, to the edge?’
Gary looked down between his legs and then over his shoulder as he unzipped a bag attached to his harness. ‘You’re anchored both ends.’
Liam approached him sideways, not wanting to look below, and Gary handed him a mobile phone.
‘I thought you might want to take a photo,’ he said, winking. ‘Don’t drop it. Right. Wait until I call, and have fun.’
With that, he vanished from sight, yelling, ‘Push away, press, release.’
‘Bloody hell,’ Liam muttered as he hurried back to join Casper. ‘Could today get any weirder?’
‘Stand there, and I’ll get you and the viaduct behind.’ Casper offered his hand to take the phone.
‘No, you come here,’ Liam said. ‘I want you in it.’
‘You sure?’
‘Yes. Just pretend it’s the rest of my life.’ It was meant to be a joke, but it came out seriously.
‘You’re a soppy git, Liam Dent.’
‘Says the man who dragged me up a cliff to pour his heart out. Get here.’
They
stood with their backs to the view with Casper resting an arm on Liam’s shoulder, and grinned at their image on the screen as they’d done many times before.
‘God, I look a mess,’ Casper complained, and Liam tutted.
‘Get over yourself.’
Casper laughed and said, ‘We just did that.’
Groaning, Liam hit the button.
It wasn’t the best photo in the world. Casper looked as though he was in pain, and Liam as if he was about to be sick, but they were looking at each other and the viaduct was visible in the background. A second, more composed photo caught their happiness, and they had their arms around each other.
‘You boys ready?’ Gary’s voice rang out as their ropes snaked away and the slack was taken in from below.
‘I’m not looking forward to this,’ Casper said, putting away the phone before he shouted they were ready. ‘I couldn’t do it without you, mate.’
Liam approached the drop with his stomach knotted and his knees weak.
He was trembling because of the abseiling, he told himself, not because of Casper’s news, the implications of which he couldn’t think about. A world of possibilities was suddenly laid out for him like the seemingly endless valley, and knowing Casper was the same, it could be theirs to explore together.
‘Good to go,’ John called as they inched backwards, and the ropes creaked.
‘One minute,’ Casper yelled, and turning to Liam, said, ‘Can I ask you something, Lee?’
‘Unnecessary pre-question question, Cass. Make it quick. I’m shitting myself here.’
The breeze blew from below reinforcing the feel of empty space at Liam’s back.
‘I’ve wanted to ask this for at least a year,’ Casper said and took a deep breath. ‘But… And you don’t have to answer straight away… But, Lee? Will you go out with me?’
Liam gawped at him, his mind a mess of elation and dread.
‘We’re hanging by a thread over a hundred-foot drop, and you ask me this, now?’
Casper laughed and leant out. With one hand on the rope and the other on his descender, he bent his knees.
The Students of Barrenmoor Ridge Page 26
