‘Where are you going?’
‘See you at the bottom, Mozart.’ Casper winked and pushed himself from the rock.
‘Oi! Come back here, you stupid, Greek… Oh, fuck it!’
Liam closed his eyes, and depressing his descender a fraction, leant backwards. Expecting to fall, and his heart about to burst from his mouth, he realised the rope was holding him. Knowing he was safe, he bent his knees and pushed away.
Casper had waited a few feet below, and when Liam joined him, they grinned at each other before howling with joy and descending in unison. The gap between each leap lengthened as their confidence grew until their feet were firmly planted on the ground.
Twenty-Three
They sat in their jackets drinking tea from a flask and sharing sandwiches while watching Gary and John perform impossible feats on the cliff face. Nothing had yet been said about the conversation, and Liam had not given Casper an answer.
For a while, as Gary unhooked the rope and helped him out of his harness, Liam had wondered if Casper had said all those things just to make him feel better, but Cass wasn’t like that. Whatever had just happened, they were still friends, but there was a stilted atmosphere as if they’d just had an argument. It wasn’t until Casper tentatively asked him if he was okay, that Liam realised Cass was concerned. His bravado on the abseil had been a cover for apprehension. Just as Liam had feared losing his friend when he came out, so Casper was suffering the same anxiety, and the longer nothing was said, the worse it was going to get.
The only thing holding him back was disbelief, in the same way as when he passed his grade seven piano with a distinction. ‘Really?’ he’d gawped at Mr Stark. ‘After playing like that?’ but it was lying there before him in black and white, just as Casper’s question was there waiting for his answer.
Liam said, ‘Yes.’
‘Yes what?’ Casper was choosing between cheese with or without pickle and thought Liam was referring to the sandwiches.
Liam stared at him for a second and rolled his eyes. ‘Yes, I will go out with you,’ he said.
‘Oh, good. Do you want pickle?’
‘Er, hang on a minute.’ Liam pushed Casper’s hand back into the container. ‘Did you hear what I just said?’
‘Yes.’
‘And is that all you can say?’
Casper shrugged. ‘I’ve not done this before.’
‘Well, you could say I’d just made you the happiest oboist in the world, or tell me you were mildly excited at the prospect.’
‘Yeah, I am, but we’ve been informal boyfriends for years,’ Casper said, calmly offering the one without pickle. ‘Everyone at school already thinks we are, so it’s no big deal.’
‘Fuck off, do they.’
‘Well they know you’re gay, they told me that on my first day. They probably assume I am too. No-one’s bothered, so what’s the fuss?’
At first, Liam thought Cass was serious, but then he caught the faintest glint of a smile in his eyes before he threw the sandwich back in the box and set it aside.
‘I don’t believe you sometimes,’ Liam said. ‘How can you be so flippant?’
‘I have to be, otherwise, I don’t know what I’d do. And…’ Casper said before Liam could interrupt. ‘It is a huge deal, the biggest, but I really don’t know what to do next.’
Neither did Liam. An awkwardness existed because sexuality had reared its head, and with it came expectation. As Mr Stark said when directing the school shows, the important story is always in the subtext, and what was expected now, what was implied, but not said, was that they were expected to kiss, and later…
Of course, they had to talk about their sexuality and with it, sex. Liam had tried hard not to think of Casper sexually because he feared humiliation, and previously, it had been what separated them. Now, it was what would bind them closer, and that was the problem. It was as if he knew Casper too well to consider it.
More of Mr Stark’s words came back. Liam had been learning a Chopin nocturn that involved fast-flowing arpeggios in both hands. He had practised them so many times and so accurately, his fingers played them with a memory of their own, and yet, during his lessons, his desire to play perfectly resulted in clumsiness.
You know what to do,’ his music teacher had said. ‘Don’t overthink it. Just let it happen naturally.”
‘Bloody hell.’
Casper’s exclamation brought Liam back to the chilly breeze and the rock that was numbing his backside. Cass was pointing to John, over halfway up the cliff on a new route, hanging from one hand on a sheer face with no discernible holds and a long way above the piton that would hold him if he fell. As he watched, John swung his body to the right, pushed off an outcrop, and leapt sideways through the air. Liam didn’t have time to look away, and by the time his heart had leapt, so had John, landing securely on the rockface with both hands.
‘I’ve lost my appetite,’ Casper mumbled, putting away the packed lunch.
Liam screwed the lid back on the flask and shoved it into his rucksack. Cass seemed to have forgotten what he had just asked, let alone Liam’s answer, but their conversation wasn’t yet over.
‘What made you change your mind?’ Liam asked as he watched John climb higher. ‘About going back to Greece, I mean.’
‘Something he said,’ Casper replied, pointing at the climber. ‘Okay, maybe I should explain.’
‘Yeah, if you don’t mind. Don’t get me wrong, Cass, I’m… That is…’ Liam couldn’t find the right word to describe his state, but he settled on, ‘I’m still in shock. Happy shock, for sure. At least it will be, but one minute you were like, Standard Casper as you’ve always been, and the next you’re Gay Casper like I always wanted, and I haven’t landed yet.’
‘You make me sound like a Barbie,’ Casper laughed and put on a squeaky voice that didn’t suit him. “Hi, I’m Gay Casper, can I be your boyfriend?”’
‘Shut up and answer the question.’ Liam nudged him, and Casper inched closer until their shoulders were touching.
‘It was about John’s previous partner,’ Casper said. ‘He’s in some of those photos back at the house?’
‘Russian guy, yeah? Gary told me.’
‘Did he tell you the guy died?’
‘Swept away by an avalanche on Everest, yeah.’
Casper shook his head and sniffed. ‘How do you deal with that?’
‘I can’t begin to imagine.’
‘No,’ Casper said. ‘I mean, that’s what I asked him. How did he deal with losing his partner that way? He said it wasn’t the way Serge died. Mountaineers accept the danger. No, he told me that what affected him the most, what sent him into depression and nearly made him give up everything, was the waste of time.’
‘Waste of time? I’d have thought it was the waste of life.’
‘Which is what I said.’ Casper rubbed his hands together, dropping them between his knees, his eyes high above on the climber dangling from one hand while unclipping a piton from his belt. ‘John said he fell for Serge the moment he met him but waited three months before plucking up enough courage to ask him out.’
‘He needed courage?’
‘Yup, and he said that if he’d had more of it, he could have asked Serge when they first met and had three extra months with him. I understood, and it made me realise I’ve had fifteen empty months… Sorry. Not empty. Fifteen great months which could have been happier if I’d been myself, and it made me determined to do what was right for me. Not my mum and the distant family I hardly know. I held off saying anything because I was scared, and when you told me in the tent, it just made things more difficult. I knew I was going, and suddenly, you were available.’
‘Available? Bloody cheek.’ Liam wasn’t sure how to take that. He knew what Casper meant, however
, because he felt the same way.
‘Sorry, not putting it very well,’ Casper said. ‘You know what I mean.’
‘I do, mate.’
‘Anyway, John told me his story after we’d got my bag, and I told him about the letter and what I wanted to say. I thought about it while he was at the police station seeing his friend the sergeant. He was giving a report about finding that guy by the stream, and I had to give a statement too, and while I was doing it, I thought about the man and how no-one had missed him. How no-one knew he was out there dying, and I thought how I would be if it had been you. I decided there and then, I wasn’t going to end up like that man Benny. Gamoto, I thought. I’ve wasted too much time. I’ll cope with Mother when I get back, and I can cope if you tell me to fuck off for not being honest with you.’
Liam’s left hand was cold, but his right was warm, and he looked down to find that at some point during Casper’s story, they had taken each other’s hands, and they were now inside Casper’s jacket pocket, fingers entwined.
He squeezed, Casper returned the gesture and pressed his shoulder more firmly.
‘But John did get over it,’ Liam said, nodding towards Gary. John was standing on the ledge, preparing to descend, and Gary was taking in the rope.
‘Gary pulled him through, he told me. John was on tablets and taking dope. He’d isolated himself up at the cottage, but thanks to Gary, he found a way out it. My mum’s not going to be happy when I refuse to go back, but, like him, she’ll find a way. Not meaning to sound heartless, but it’s her problem, and no-one’s going to stop me from being… well, whatever.’
The words were warming, but Liam wondered what Casper had chosen not to say. What was the whatever? He had an idea, and although it was unimaginable, he pushed the conversation that way.
‘You never did answer my question,’ he said.
‘Which one?’
‘Last night.’
‘Oh. You’re always telling me you love me,’ Casper said, his jacket rustling as he shifted his weight. Their legs were pressed as tightly as their shoulders. ‘We say it all the time.’
‘Yeah, with manly fist-bumps and shit we copy off the films.’ Liam scoffed. ‘And I didn’t say that. I asked you what you would say if I told you I was in love with you, and you told me to go to sleep.’
‘If we’re being pedantic, Mozart, I said I would see you in the morning.’
‘Good as.’
Casper sighed. ‘I was in a mess,’ he admitted. ‘I knew what you were trying to say, but I still thought I was leaving next year, so…’ His voice trailed away.
‘So, what would you say if I asked now?’
‘I’d say I was too young to know what love is.’
Liam roared with laughter. ‘You’re a walking cliché, you are.’
‘Yeah, but you love it,’ Casper winked.
Liam’s laughter was gone in a heartbeat. ‘Yeah, I do,’ he said. His next words came with a sincerity he’d never experienced, and yet, it was as if he was born to say them. ‘And I love you.’
Casper closed his eyes, his lips taut as if he was about to play the upper register of his oboe, his hand gripped Liam’s tighter, and he threw back his head. Letting out a slow release of breath, his grip relaxed, he shook his head gently and turned to face Liam. When he opened his eyes, they were wet and brimming and yet searched Liam’s so deeply they brushed his soul.
‘I’ve longed to hear you say it like that,’ Casper whispered. ‘And I’ve longed to be able to say this the same way. I’m in love with you, Lee. I have been since that day in the broom cupboard.’
Liam sniggered, a release of happiness mixed with the relief of finally being able to say such things knowing he was understood. Casper wiped his eyes on his sleeve, and Liam was sure he was about to lean in and kiss him when the jangling of metal distracted them.
‘Sorry to break it up, boys…’ Gary was approaching, packing away equipment. ‘But we’re done here. I need your harnesses.’
The sky clouded, threatening more rain, and the wind grew stronger. By the time they returned to the Land Rover, Liam was cold and stiff from the exertion. On the drive home, the talk was of the climbing, and nothing was said about Liam and Casper other than the paying of compliments for their courage and skill which Liam thought might have been veiled metaphors because John knew what Casper had intended to say. Gary knew too, and where Liam would once have been mortified for anyone to know the strength of his feelings for his best friend, he wanted to talk about nothing else. They sat close together on one bench seat in the back, and the only mention of what had taken place came when Gary said, ‘I hope you’re holding hands back there.’ They realised they could, and did, not letting go until they reached Barrenmoor Ridge.
After that, the afternoon became evening as they helped stow equipment, John returned what he had borrowed and came back with the news that Mark Ward had been found and was in police custody. Apparently, when Benny fell, he’d left him behind, more intent on making his drugs sale than saving his accomplice and had been picked up on his way to Kendal. With Casper’s statement backed up by a confession from Benny made to save his own skin, Mark’s future looked bleak and deserved.
Gary was the only one to show any sympathy, and that only lasted for a minute before he took his turn in the shower.
By eight o’clock, they were in a country pub a few villages distant from the cottage, and John had insisted on paying for dinner.
‘It’s okay,’ Gary said, once John had left their table to place the order. ‘We know you haven’t got much money, but we’re both earning, and if you offer to pay us back one more time, Lee, you’ll find yourself sleeping in the lean-to.’
Liam thanked him again and promised it would be the last time he offered. ‘We’ll get out of your way tomorrow,’ he said. ‘We had a chat about it, and we’ve encroached on your time and generosity enough already.’
‘”Encroached on”,’ Gary mimicked, smiling. ‘Bloody grammar schools. Okay, so we don’t usually entertain guys we pull off the hills, but there’s something special about you two.’
‘You mean we’re unsafe to be left alone?’ Liam asked, returning the grin.
‘No. Well, maybe.’ Gary laughed. ‘No, seriously, it’s good. John likes the company of younger men, and don’t take that the wrong way, Liam.’
‘I wasn’t!’
‘I saw that look. No,’ Gary said more seriously. ‘It makes a change from mountain talk and expedition planning. And you don’t have to bugger off tomorrow,’ he added. ‘I’m working at the centre, John’s got an expedition meeting over Settle way, but you can chill at the house, go for a hike, whatever. You’re welcome to stay until you head back.’
‘I’d like to,’ Liam said, looking hopefully at Casper opposite. ‘But it’s up to Cass.’
‘It should be up to both of you,’ Gary said. ‘If you’re a couple. You are a couple now, aren’t you?’
Liam blushed, keeping his eyes on Casper who had been quiet since leaving the house. Casper stretched his legs beneath the table and entwined his feet with Liam’s, bringing knowing smiles to their faces.
‘Aye, well silence is as good as,’ Gary said. ‘And from that look, it’s definitely earplugs for me tonight.’
John returned, and was halfway through sitting when he said, ‘Bugger, forgot the drinks.’
‘I’ll give you a hand.’ Casper was on his feet in a flash.
‘What’s that about?’ Gary asked, throwing Liam a quizzical look once the others were out of earshot.
‘It’s the elephant,’ Liam said.
‘The what?’
Liam leant towards him and whispered. ‘The thing neither of us wants to talk about.’
‘Bloody southerners.’ Gary rolled his eyes. ‘Out with it and be sharp ab
out it.’
‘Sex.’ Liam’s heart was suddenly pounding. The mention of the word made him more nervous than when he had backed off the cliff.
‘Sex?’
‘Shush! Keep your voice down.’
‘What about it?’
‘We’ve not done it before.’
‘Aye, and?’
Liam shrugged.
‘You don’t have to do owt,’ Gary said. ‘Not if you don’t want to.’
‘Oh, I want to.’
‘Does Casper?’
‘I hope so. He hasn’t said.’
Gary glanced over his shoulder and back again. ‘Mate, it’s not the sort of thing you ask right off the bat. “Want to go out with me? Good. How about a shag?” Take it easy. It’ll happen when you both want it.’
‘I’ve seen porn films.’
‘Not an ideal route map.’
‘I had this friend once. We… Did a bit.’
‘What? Jerking, sucking, fucking, what?’
Liam gaped, mortified at Gary’s openness.
‘Don’t worry about it,’ Gary said with a little more sympathy. ‘If it doesn’t come naturally, leave it.’
The words were reassuring, especially coming from someone not much older, but clearly a lot wiser. ‘Thanks, mate.’
‘It’ll come when it’s ready,’ Gary said, and added with a cheeky leer, ‘And so will you.’
‘Stop it!’
Liam couldn’t help but laugh, another release of tension, and just in time, as John and Casper returned with the drinks. Casper was red-faced, and Liam wondered if they’d had the same frantic conversation.
By the time they had toasted themselves, the elephant had left the room, and the talk turned to a discussion about Yorkshire bitters versus lager, a debate Gary was determined to win and refused to leave alone until the others conceded. He and Liam talked the most while they ate, with Casper chipping in when they were asked about their music and their plans for university. Liam explained that he was considering English and Drama with a view to teaching, and Casper was hoping to become a pharmacist.
The Students of Barrenmoor Ridge Page 27
