by Laura John
Table of Contents
Title Page
Copyright Page
Trigger Warning
Dedication
Prologue
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven
Chapter Twelve
Chapter Thirteen
Chapter Fourteen
Chapter Fifteen
Chapter Sixteen
Chapter Seventeen
Chapter Eighteen
Chapter Nineteen
Chapter Twenty
Chapter Twenty-One
Chapter Twenty-Two
Chapter Twenty-Three
Chapter Twenty-Four
Chapter Twenty-Five
Chapter Twenty-Six
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Chapter Thirty
Chapter Thirty-One
Chapter Thirty-Two
Chapter Thirty-Three
Chapter Thirty-Four
Chapter Thirty-Five
Chapter Thirty-Six
Chapter Thirty-Seven
Epilogue
Playlist
Also By Laura John
Sneak Peek
Acknowledgements
About the Author
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.
Copyright © 2020 by Laura John
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or used in any manner without written permission of the copyright owner except for the use of quotations in a book review.
Independently published.
Editor/Interior Formatting: CPR Editing
Proofreaders: Becca Steele and K.D. Darling
Cover Designer: Destiny Productions
Photographer: Lindee Robinson
Models: Daria Ottenberk and Brian Boynton
This book has flashback scenes of sexual abuse and child abuse. Some of these scenes may be difficult for some readers to read.
If you are the victim of abuse of any kind, know that you are not alone. There is help available for you.
If you live in Canada, please check out this website for information on help in your province: http://endingviolencecanada.org/getting-help/
If you live in the U.S., please call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or visit this website: https://www.thehotline.org.
This book also talks about mental health issues. If you are battling mental health and need to talk to someone, don’t feel ashamed to reach out. It does not make you weak. You are not alone in this battle. So many people, including me, suffer from mental health issues. Reach out to your doctor to get help.
“Hey, beautiful,” a deep voice says from behind me.
I look around, trying to figure out who he’s talking to. It can’t be me. I’m a shy, quiet nerd. I’ve never been called beautiful before. Well, not by someone who I find attractive, anyway.
He taps me on the shoulder. “Enjoying the party?”
When I meet his eyes, I know exactly who he is: Gavin Munro, the star quarterback, and the most popular guy at our school. His parents are loaded, and he gets whatever he wants. He’s also the hottest guy on the football team. Maybe in the whole school.
“It’s okay.” I shrug, not sure why he is even talking to me.
It isn’t fair how good-looking Gavin is. His shaggy brown hair and stunning blue eyes have always captivated me. But I’m a geek, and poorer than poor. There is no way he would be attracted to someone like me.
What is going on? This must be a prank.
“I’ve never seen you at any of the parties before,” he continues.
Again, I look around. Where are his buddies with cameras? This is probably going to go all over the Internet.
“I’ve never been before, but I figured I should come to at least one.” I shrug, trying to play it cool. “And I kind of talk to Candace, so I figured it would be nice to make an appearance at her birthday party.”
Gavin nods and grabs my hand, and I feel a weird tingle shoot through my body. I try to pull back, but he squeezes tighter.
“Relax,” he says with an easy smile. “Let’s go for a walk. I want to get to know you.”
I give him a timid smile. Should I go with him? I’m not like the girls he usually dates. I should probably just head home.
“Okay,” I finally say.
I’m not sure why I agreed. It’s like my mouth and brain didn’t communicate. Well, so much for going home.
Why am I even still here? This stupid small talk is useless. I’m not Gavin’s type. I’m not even sure why I’m talking to him. I mean, it is nice to feel wanted for once, but I’m still apprehensive. I can’t help but keep looking around for someone with a camera.
“Here, take my coat,” he says, noticing that I’m shivering.
“Thanks,” I say, slipping my arms through the giant sleeves.
Being only 5’5”, I feel dwarfed by Gavin’s six feet, and I’m swimming in his jacket. But it is nice and warm, and smells like him. Like leather and clean soap.
“You’re really pretty,” he says, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear.
I blush, and my face feels warms from where his fingers brushed by my skin.
“I’m really not,” I mumble uncomfortably as I stand up and take off his jacket. “I think it’s time for me to go. Thanks for talking to me.”
I turn to leave, but he grabs my arm, causing me to stumble and fall into his strong grasp. Staring up into his eyes, I have this odd urge to kiss him. Does he feel it too, or am I just being stupid?
His hand goes under my chin, and I get tingles from his touch. Slowly, he leans down and softly places his lips on mine. I’ve never kissed anyone before. I guess that’s weird for a seventeen-year-old, but no one has shown me any interest before.
He places his other hand at the small of my back and pulls me closer to him. He tastes like beer and toothpaste, and it’s a weird flavor. The kiss goes on for a couple of minutes before I step back.
“You really are beautiful, Crystal. I’d love to see you again. Do you want to come over after school on Tuesday? My parents work late so we can have some alone time,” he suggests.
I mull the words over in my head. Alone time? Does he just want to get into my pants?
“I don’t put out,” I say, not sure what else to do.
He chuckles and grabs my hand. “That’s not what I meant. I just want to learn more about you. I’ll order a pizza and we can watch a movie.”
I smile and nod. “That sounds great.”
I walk to my mom’s car. She’d be pissed if she knew I took it tonight. But she’s so high, she’ll never even know I was out.
I fall into the driver’s seat and sigh. I have a date with Gavin Munro. How is this real life?
It’s been four awesome weeks of hanging out with Gavin. I don’t know if he’s my boyfriend or what we are exactly. We haven’t really had that conversation. We just hang out a lot after he gets home from football practice.
My parents don’t give a shit where I am most of the time. They’re so fucked up on drugs and alcohol, they probably don’t even know I’m not home most nights. It won’t be like this for much longer, though. They’re running out of money,
and when their drugs are gone, they’ll care about me again, but not in a good way. In a way that makes my skin crawl and makes me want to throw up.
I stole twenty dollars from my mom and bought a new dress for tonight. She’ll be livid when she finds out, but I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it.
I’m pretty sure I’m in love with Gavin. I’m going to tell him tonight, and I want to look extra pretty when I do. That will solidify our relationship, I’m sure.
Gavin opens the door, and his eyes goes wide, which brings a smile to my face. Yeah, he likes my new dress.
“You look amazing, baby,” he says, grabbing me by the waist and kissing my lips.
He always tastes like something and mint. It changes every day, but I love it.
“Want me to order pizza?” he asks once we’re actually inside.
“Sure, I’d love that.” I grin, making my way to his room to turn on a movie while he calls.
We’ve fallen into a comfortable routine and I’m loving it. I let him touch me, and we mess around, but we haven’t gone all the way yet. A part of me wants to just get it over with and get rid of my virginity on my own terms, but another part wants to know he really loves me first.
“Pizza is ordered. What do you want to do in the meantime?” he asks, wiggling his eyebrows at me.
I blush.
When he sits on the bed next to me, he leans over to kiss me gently.
Now is the time, I tell myself.
“I love you,” I whisper against his lips.
His eyes go wide, but then he smiles. “I love you too, baby.”
He goes back to kissing me, but this time it’s more intense. His hands roam my body, and it feels good. Really good.
One hand inches up my dress, and I freeze.
I’ve been thinking about going all the way with Gavin, and he did tell me he loves me. Maybe this is the right time. I can get rid of my virginity with someone I love, and then it won’t be held over my head like some sort of dark weight.
I go back to kissing him, not stopping him. My heart is beating so fast, I feel like it’s going to pound right out of my chest. I glance at the clock and see that it’s still early. Maybe we can slow this down.
He grabs my dress by the hem and lifts it over my head. I’m wearing my only pair of matching bra and panties. They’re plain, but still look nice.
He growls as he looks at me lying there almost naked.
“Fuck, you’re what dreams are made of.” He kisses my neck, and I let out a little moan.
His hands explore my entire body, getting to know every inch of me.
“You have too many clothes on,” I mumble, biting my lip.
He gives me a devilish smile and pulls his shirt off. Very slowly, he undoes his jeans and throws them to the side. He still has boxers on, and I can already tell that he’s huge.
I sit up quickly, my eyes going wide. Maybe this was a mistake. How is that thing even supposed to fit inside me?
“I’m going to make you feel so good, baby,” he tells me.
I take a deep breath as I unhook my bra and throw it to the side. I can do this.
His eyes darken, and I feel this weird sensation in my belly.
He places his hands on my shoulders and gently pushes me back on the bed. My body shakes, and my hands turn sweaty.
This is what I want, right?
“Have you ever…” I trail off, not sure how to finish the sentence. I’m a virgin, but I know Gavin probably isn’t.
He nods. “A couple times. You?”
I shake my head; I can’t even look at him now. I should just go.
“That’s awesome that you are giving this to me,” he says, gripping my chin and placing his lips on mine.
“I don’t know about this,” I whisper, trying to move away.
Fuck, am I being a tease? I’m the one who brought this up and now I’m backing out.
“Please,” he whispers against my neck, placing gentle kisses there.
His lips go lower until he is aligned with my breasts. He brings my nipple into his mouth and it feels so good.
I let out a moan, and all thoughts leave my head. I can do this.
He slowly slips my panties off, and I don’t stop him. Tingles of pleasure are taking over the nerves. He sticks his fingers in his mouth, getting them wet, before he slowly inserts them into my core.
“Fuck you’re tight,” he says.
A gasp leaves my lips. I can’t form words, so I just let him do what he’s doing.
It doesn’t really hurt, but his fingers feel odd. Maybe he doesn’t really know what he’s doing. Isn’t it supposed to feel better than this?
A ball of thickness forms in my throat. I want to tell him I’ve changed my mind, but no sound leaves my mouth.
He stops moving his fingers and sloppily kisses me. “I’m good, aren’t I?”
I don’t even know how to respond to that, so I just nod.
He goes into his bedside table and grabs a condom. Ripping it open with his teeth he quickly puts it on and enters me much too fast.
“Fuck,” I hiss.
That hurt. A lot.
I want to stop this, but I also don’t want to be that girl. If I stop him now, the teasing will never end and I won’t have anyone to protect me. Gavin will tell everyone, and I’ll just be the laughingstock of the school.
Besides, I just want to get this over with. I need to get rid of my virginity on my own terms. And he loves me, right?
I just lie there taking his pounding, trying to fight back the tears. There is no pleasure anymore, just pain. This was a horrible idea. But the first time hurts for everyone, right? And he’s mine now. Maybe school life will be different now that he’s my boyfriend. I won’t have to deal with the bullying anymore. He’ll stick up for me. That’s what you do for people you love, isn’t it?
It doesn’t take long for him to finish, and he gives me a quick kiss and pulls out.
I look down and see blood. I guess I’m no longer a virgin.
Glancing at the condom, I see liquid leaking from it.
“Did the condom break?” I ask, feeling my heart beat faster.
I’m struggling to breathe. I’m not on birth control, and I can’t have a baby.
He shrugs. “It’ll be fine. It’s highly unlikely that you’ll get pregnant from your first time, and I don’t think I have any STDs.”
“You don’t think you do? Gavin, I just gave you my virginity. This is a big deal. I can’t have a baby. What are we supposed to do?” I cry, completely uncertain as to what to do.
“Look, it’s not a big deal. I’m sure it’ll be fine.”
How very calming, I think, fighting the urge to roll my eyes.
I’m still lying in his bed naked when he gets back from the bathroom.
“Hey, it’s getting late. You should probably go,” he says, as cold as ice.
What happened to the guy who just told me he loved me?
“What about the pizza?” I ask.
“Um, I just got a text saying it’s going to be late,” he says, looking everywhere but at me.
“That’s weird,” I say. I didn’t hear his phone go off. “So, I’m going to see you at school tomorrow, right?”
“Sure,” he mumbles.
I have this awful feeling in the pit of my stomach now, but I shrug it off as I quickly get dressed.
I give him a quick kiss before I leave. I’m sure he’s just tired. We can talk more at school tomorrow.
As I walk into school, I’m so excited to see Gavin. I have a boyfriend. This is amazing.
I’m still sore from last night, but I’m sure it’ll be worth it. It’s normal to be sore after your first time. Isn’t it?
I see Gavin standing by his locker with a couple of his friends. We don’t usually talk at school, but things are different now, so I walk up to him.
“Hey, baby,” I say, leaning in for a kiss.
But he roughly shoves me away.
“What
the fuck are you doing?” he spits out venomously.
“Um, I just thought…” I stammer, trying to form a coherent sentence.
“You’re a dumb bitch.” He laughs at me. “It was a fucking bet! These guys told me I couldn’t get in your pants, so I proved them wrong and won two hundred bucks. It took a little longer than I thought, but you gave it up just like I knew you would.”
I step back like I’ve been hit. A bet? That was all this was? I was just the punch line of a cruel joke?
“But you told me you loved me.” My voice cracks and I can feel the tears in my eyes.
“And you were dumb enough to buy it!” he cackles. “You’re a fucking stupid whore, just like your mom. Don’t talk to me anymore.”
And just like that, he walks off, laughing and high-fiving his buddies.
I should have known better. I should have realized a guy like him would never want a girl like me. But I just figured, who would wait four weeks? I thought maybe I was special.
But I’m not special. I never have been, and I never will be.
Rumors always go around about me.
Daughter of a whore.
A nerd who will never get anywhere in life.
A drug addict’s kid.
They’re all true, but the new ones that have been circulating cut deeper than the others did.
Slut.
Whore.
Taking after her mom.
After Gavin told me I was nothing but a bet, letting anyone in the vicinity hear him, some of the other guys have made up lies saying I’ve sucked their dicks.
I was in love with Gavin, but I was nothing but a joke to him. A bet. A laughingstock. Now the bullying from the girls is even worse.
And to top everything off, I just found out I’m pregnant. So much for not getting pregnant on your first time.
I look around and the empty hall and find Gavin by himself. Thank God.
“I need to talk to you,” I whisper, hoping he’ll see the plea in my eyes.
“What do you want?” he bites out, clearly not impressed that I’m here right now.
“I’m pregnant, Gavin.”
He looks at me, and his eyes go wide for a second before the anger and hate returns, even worse than before.
“So?”
“It’s yours,” I clarify.
