by Laura John
“Want to dance?” Dustin asks.
I smile. “Why don’t you dance with that spit-fire?”
I point to Olivia, who is dancing like no one else is there.
“It’s nice to see you smile,” Dustin says before walking away.
I’ve heard a few people say that to me lately. I guess when you’re happy on the inside, it shows on the outside. And I am happy right now. I’m still a little broken, but I’m going to be okay.
“Okay, princess, it’s time to get to bed,” I tell Olivia, who is currently sitting on the dance floor, barely keeping her eyes open.
“Can Duddy tuck me in?” she asks.
I don’t have it in me to break her heart tonight, so I nod. “Why don’t you go ask him? If he says yes, then it’s okay with me. But if he says no, it means no, okay?”
She smiles and nods before running off to find Dustin. Of course, a few minutes later, they come back hand-in-hand. He could never say no to her.
“Once she’s in bed, you can come back to the party. I just didn’t have it in me to say no tonight. She misses you,” I sigh.
“I’ll always have time to tuck her in. I love her. She’s my daughter, even if I don’t see her all the time,” he tells me.
I close my eyes, forcing the tears back. He’s right. He has always been her father, and I will make sure that, no matter what happens, he is always in her life.
After I tuck Olivia in, I head out to Crystal’s patio.
“I can’t believe we have an ocean view,” she says.
“I know. It’s breathtaking. Do you mind if I stay for a bit?”
“Of course not,” she says.
I sit down in the second chair. “I’ve missed you.”
“I’ve missed you too. I’ve been going to therapy, and I’m working on me right now. I learned that I have to love myself before I can love anyone else. I don’t know how long that’s going to take, but it’s nice to have friends like you supporting me along the way,” Crystal says, never once looking at me.
Friends.
Is that all we are now? Am I going to have to push my feelings aside again?
For some reason, I feel anger inside me boiling. I love her, and all she wants to be is friends?
Before I do something stupid, I stand to leave. “Have a good night, Crystal.”
She finally looks at me.
“You’re going?” she asks, looking confused.
“Yeah. I’m tired, and tomorrow is a busy day,” I lie.
She nods, but her eyes look glassy, like she’s fighting back tears. If she’s sad to see me go, then why doesn’t she just admit she still loves me? Fuck this “friends” bullshit. We can’t go back to how it was, not now that I know how good it can be.
“Goodnight, Dustin,” she whispers, turning her attention back to the ocean.
I walk to my room and throw myself on my bed. I just want all the bad to be erased. For everything to go back to when it was good. Why does the universe hate me?
“How was your night?” Kyle asks, giving me an evil smile. “I saw you left early with Crystal.”
I roll my eyes. Why did I agree to come to breakfast with this guy?
“Yeah, and she fucking friend-zoned me. Again. I just don’t know what to do, man,” I say, taking a bite of my eggs.
“What exactly did she say?”
I shake my head. “I don’t know, something about needing to love herself, and that she’s glad she has friends like me supporting her.”
He throws a piece of a pepper at my head.
I glare at him. “What the fuck, man?”
“You’re an idiot. I know you’re young, but I never thought you were stupid.”
“What do you mean? She said ‘friends,’ therefore friend zone, therefore I’m never going to have the love of my life back.”
“Stop being melo-fucking-dramatic. She isn’t friend-zoning you. She’s telling you to have patience and support her. Remember how I said monk-like before? Now is when you have to start practicing that. She went through a crazy lot of traumatic events in her life, and it makes sense that she is focusing on herself right now. Would you rather have her being with you because she felt forced, or being with you because she was finally happy and mentally healthy enough to love you back?”
I take a swig of my orange juice and mull the words over in my head.
“She wasn’t capable of loving you the way you love her. Give her the time to heal and get healthy, then have a full talk about a relationship. I know you hate hearing ‘give her time,’ but that’s what she needs right now. So be her friend, be there for her, and then hopefully, when she is ready, she’ll come to you. Now it’s up to you if you think she’s worth the wait or not.” He picks up his coffee and gives me a smug look.
“Why do you have to be right all the time?” I grumble.
“Because I’m a dad. Speaking of that, she should be getting in soon. I promised them I’d meet them at the front entrance.” He stands and pats me on the shoulder. “Talk soon.”
“I’m freaking out, guys,” Tia says, walking back and forth in her suite.
“It’s okay. He’ll find the rings,” Rayna tells her.
I feel my heart racing for her.
“How the fuck did he lose them, anyway? They were in my bag, and then…” she trails off, eyes wide.
She runs to the bedroom and I hear some swearing. When she comes back to the room, her lips are pressed together, and her hands are behind her back.
“Um…I totally forgot to give them to him,” Tia says with a guilty look on her face.
“For fuck’s sake, Tia. Johnny has been losing his goddamn mind,” Leah says, pulling her phone out.
“Well, I gave him everything else those guys need, and I guess I just forgot to put the rings in the box. Cut me some slack. I’m a mom of four. I don’t get much sleep, okay?” She sits down in her shiny satin robe and grabs a glass of champagne.
There is a knock on the door, and I quickly run, hoping it’s someone to help get me out of this awkward situation. I open the door, and three pretty ladies probably close to my age are standing there.
“Are you guys here for hair and makeup?” I ask.
They smile and nod.
“Thank God,” I mumble under my breath. “Guys, hair and makeup is here. Let’s start getting ready now that the panic is over.”
Tia smiles. “Time to get pretty, ladies!”
I grab a glass of champagne and down it. I am so glad the kids are with Carol and Mikey’s aunt, because I am going to be drunk before this wedding starts.
Rayna, Leah, and Tia all go first. I wait, because I just want simple curls and simple makeup, so I should be pretty quick.
I stare at myself in the mirror while waiting. I lost a lot of weight after Dustin and I broke up. I just really didn’t feel like eating. Hell, most of the time, I didn’t feel like doing anything. I was pathetic. I’m starting to get the healthy look back, but I’m still on the extra skinny side.
I close my eyes and focus on my breathing, willing the dark thoughts to go away. I went through a lot, and I let my demons take control. But I am back in control and those dark thoughts have no business here. I am strong, I am powerful, and even when I’m weak, I can rise above it.
When I open my eyes, I smile. Each day, I find it easier to change my thoughts and focus on the positive. I allow myself to feel pain and sadness when I need to, but I don’t allow it to hold me down or control me anymore.
Leah stands and strikes a couple of funny poses. The photographer snaps a couple photos and laughs.
“You guys are amazing!” she says.
I go to take Leah’s place, but she stops me.
“I’m so proud of you,” she says, kissing my forehead. “I can tell how strong you’re getting. It will take time to heal, but you are going to do it.”
I smile. “Thanks. The time is the hard part. I want to be better now. But I know one day, I’m going to be able to look at my pas
t and say, ‘It is what it is.’”
“Don’t rush the healing process. Don’t force yourself to feel something if you aren’t ready. It’s okay to be sad. It’s okay to have bad days. Just don’t let them hold you back forever.”
I nod. “That’s what I’m working on.”
I sit where Leah was sitting, and the lady starts on my makeup.
When I look in the mirror, I’m blown away. It’s not heavy; it just enhances my natural beauty. My hazel eyes shine, and my usually thin lips look plumper. My cheekbones stand out a bit more, but it doesn’t make me look gaunt. It’s more like I look fierce.
“Do you like?” the lady asks.
I nod.
“I love it,” I tell her, trying not to cry because I don’t want to mess up her amazing job.
She quickly curls my hair, and it’s time for us to get into our dresses.
“Before we go out there and do this crazy thing, I want to thank you for standing by my side and helping me with everything. I know that if I trip in the sand, you’ll run to help pick me back up,” Tia says, making us laugh. “But seriously, I’m so happy to have my sisters up there with me on the most special day of my life. I mean, besides the days my kids were born.”
I’m the first to pull her in for a hug. We are all batting our lashes, trying to fight the tears.
“This makeup is waterproof, right?” Leah asks.
God, I hope it is, because I know I’m going to be crying during the vows at least.
“Okay enough of this. If we keep it up, I’m going to start ugly crying before the ceremony even starts,” Rayna says.
I nod in agreement.
“A couple shots of all you ladies all done up,” the photographer says.
We strike some poses and let her snap the pictures.
“Okay, bitches, let’s go get me married!” Tia exclaims.
“You’re oddly calm. It’s weird,” Johnny says to Mikey, who is sitting on the patio drinking a glass of orange juice.
“Just ‘cause I’m not freaking out like you did, doesn’t mean I’m weird,” Mikey says with a smile. “The rings were found and everything is getting set up. Our job is to hang out, stay out of the way, and wait for the wedding to start.”
“Fuck, I still can’t believe she made me think I lost the rings,” Johnny mumbles, running his hand through his hair.
“Dude, she has four kids. Cut her some slack,” I cut in.
“Yep. Once you have one, your brain turns to mush until they’re eighteen,” Mikey agrees.
“Whatever,” Johnny says, walking to the kitchen of the suite.
Johnny is awesome, but usually very high strung. It’s not hard to get him going. It can be pretty entertaining most of the time. But I seriously thought he was going to have a heart attack earlier when he thought he lost the rings.
“I think we should start to get dressed. The wedding is starting in about forty-five minutes and we should get down there early,” Chris, Mikey’s old friend and former band manager, states.
“Isn’t the photographer supposed to get pictures of us getting ready?” I ask. I don’t really know that much about weddings, but I’ve seen albums.
There is a knock on the door, and I get up to answer it.
Mikey grins. “That’s probably her.”
I open the door and a tall, pretty woman is standing there.
“Hi. I’m Chloe. I’m one of the photographers,” she says with a perfect grin.
If I wasn’t so hung up on Crystal, I would be attracted to her. But her hair is too blonde and clearly fake. Not warm and soft. Her eyes are the color of the ocean, not inviting and hazel with flecks of other colors. Her tits are clearly fake—yes, I looked. I am a man. And, I don’t know, everything about her makes me want Crystal.
I invite the photographer into the room, and she sets up.
“She’s pretty, huh?” Chris asks.
I nod. “Yeah, but she’s not who I want.”
I don’t know Chris well, so he doesn’t necessarily know everything that has been going on between me and Crystal.
“Oh! You already caught the love bug?” he asks.
I nod. “Yep. We aren’t together right now, though. Her life hasn’t been easy, I’m just hoping she’ll come back to me when she’s healed.”
“I haven’t told many people this, but my wife, after her cancer treatment was done, left me. She couldn’t understand how I could love someone like her. She said she was ugly, and bald, and a burden. I, of course, didn’t think any of those things, but in her head, all she could see was the bad and the ugly. We were separated for six months. And every day, I thought I was going to die without her. But she needed to see her own beauty and love herself before she could believe me when I said that I would love her until the day I died. She went to counseling, and I listened to her when she needed a friend. And one day, she was ready to let me back in. Our love is even stronger now than it was before everything, and I wholeheartedly believe it’s because she was able to grow and really find herself. Do I wish that she never got cancer, and that we never had to go through any of what we did? Absolutely. But I can’t change the past. I don’t know your woman, but if you’re saying she needs to heal, then give her that time. Be what she needs you to be. Then, hopefully, your story will turn out like mine, and she’ll be yours in the end.” He claps me on the back before walking away.
Holy shit. I never knew he went through all that. I heard his wife had cancer, but didn’t know much about it other than that he quit as Mikey’s manager to take care of her.
If he was strong enough to hold out for hope through that, then I know I can be that strong for Crystal. If she needs a friend right now, then that’s what I’ll be. I just pray she wants me when she’s ready to let someone in again.
Johnny, Chris, and I are standing at the back of the venue where the ceremony is going to be held, waiting on the girls. Of course, they’re late. I mean, Crystal’s with them, and she’s never on time for anything.
Finally, a commotion draws my attention.
“‘Bout time!” Johnny yells.
I laugh.
“Shut your mouth, Crown, or I’ll get someone to knock your teeth out,” Rayna says with a smile. “I’d do it myself, but I don’t want to ruin my manicure.”
Chris and I both double over with laughter. Rayna sure is a spitfire. She struts up to Chris, wiggling her hips more than necessary, then shakes his hand and shoots him a wink.
“Hi. I’m Rayna, and I assume you’ll be walking me down the aisle, since you are the only one I don’t recognize.”
Chris smiles and nods. “Yes, ma’am. Sorry I wasn’t at the rehearsal dinner last night. My wife ended up having to work, so we had to catch a different flight.”
“First of all, I am not old; therefore, I am not a ‘ma’am.’ Second of all, why are all the cute ones taken?” she asks, her shoulders slumping like she’s been defeated.
“Calm your tits, woman! We’ll find you a sexy single Mexican later, but right now, we need to get Tia married!” Leah scolds her.
I think I’m going to die from laughing so hard.
“Do you see what I’ve had to put up with all afternoon?” I hear Crystal ask.
I turn to look at her, and I can’t even speak.
She looks fucking gorgeous. Her makeup is subtle, but it makes her hazel eyes pop even more than normal. Her hair is cascading down her back, and I want to run my fingers through it. I want to grab her and put my lips on hers. I want to bury myself so deep inside her that we don’t know where I end and she begins. I want to fuck her so hard that she won’t be able to walk for a week. But I can’t do any of that. She’s not mine.
“You look amazing,” I finally choke out.
She blushes and tucks a lock of hair behind her ear. “Thank you. You clean up pretty good yourself.”
Her smile is wide, and her eyes are bright.
“Happy looks good on you,” I tell her.
“Thanks. I’m
working on it,” she says, looking down.
“Okay, guys, if we’re wanting this to be a sunset wedding, we’d better hurry the fuck up,” Johnny says, making us all laugh.
“Okay you two are first,” Carol, Mikey’s mom, says.
Crystal places her hand on the crook of my arm, and the music starts.
Jay is sitting at the front playing an instrumental version of “When You Say Nothing at All” by Alison Krauss.
I never would have thought that a rock star would be playing country music, but Tia picked the songs, so we really shouldn’t be surprised. He would do anything for his sister, and that includes playing country music.
We slowly walk down the makeshift aisle in the sand. Crystal is barefoot, which makes her even shorter, and it’s kind of cute.
People are taking pictures, and my attention should be on not tripping, but I can’t stop stealing glances at Crystal. I want to walk down another aisle with her one day.
When we get to the front, I let go of Dustin’s arm and stand off to the side. I miss his touch instantly. I’m so full of emotions today that I can’t even think straight. When I saw Dustin, I wanted to launch myself into his arms and kiss him, but now is not the right time. We need to build our friendship back up before taking things further again.
Rayna and Chris are next, then Johnny and Leah, and finally Carol and the gaggle of children. Once everyone is up at the front, Jay starts playing “Yours” by Russell Dickerson. It’s the song Mikey sang to Tia the night they got engaged, and it’s perfect for them.
When Tia steps out with her dad, I can feel the tears starting. Trying to blink them back is almost useless.
Carol taps me on the arm and hands me a tissue.
“Thank you,” I mouth to her, and I see she has her own tears.
Tia is smiling, but has tears streaming down her face, and her dad is also crying, which is ridiculously cute.
Tia’s dress fits her like a dream. It’s fitted at the top and flowy from the waist down. The whole thing is covered in a lacy flower overlay, and the way the wind is blowing just slightly makes it absolutely breathtaking.
