by Laura John
“Her name is Olivia; she’s rambunctious and full of life. She makes me laugh every day even when I want to cry.”
“She sounds perfect.”
“She is. Except when she’s being a pain,” I chuckle, sniffling.
She smiles and chuckles too. “Now, tell me about your partner.”
I hang my head. “We aren’t together. Some pictures surfaced while we were together, one of him kissing a pregnant woman.”
She nods. “So he cheated on you?”
I shake my head. “No. She was an old fling of his. She told him the baby was his, but it turned out to be someone else’s.”
“So why are you still separated if you say he’s the love of your life?”
She says that so simply, like it’s not complicated as hell.
“I just don’t know how to fix what I broke. I pushed him away because I figured he wouldn’t want us anymore when he could have a real family instead. And then when the truth came out, I was just scared.” I feel the tears falling down my face.
Dr. Rahn hands me a Kleenex. “Did he tell you he didn’t want you?”
I shake my head.
“What did he say to you?”
“I didn’t let him say anything,” I admit.
“Well, I think that right there is something to work on. We have to listen to other people, even if what they have to say hurts. If we don’t let them speak, we are not only hurting them, but ourselves.”
I nod and wipe my tears. She’s right; I was wrong for shutting Dustin out like I did.
“How did he treat you before the pictures surfaced?”
“Like I was a queen. He always told me I was the strongest woman he knew. That I was more beautiful than I realized, and that if I ever knew my own strength, the whole world better look out, because I would be a force to be reckoned with.” I blush remembering the way he treated me.
“And he loved you?”
“He still does.”
“And how do you know this?”
I smile. “Because he texts me every single day. He keeps saying that he’ll never let me forget how much he loves me.”
“So, take a step back, and listen to everything you said. Does this sound like a man who would leave you?”
I shake my head. “But I’m so broken.”
“I think you need to learn to love yourself, Crystal. Dustin loves you. Your friends and new family love you. But your love for yourself isn’t there. You went through a lot. Much more than anyone should ever have to go through. But you came out of it. Give yourself some credit.”
I nod.
“If you had a friend come to you and say, ‘I’ve been abused and I’ve been bullied, but I’m garbage,’ what would you say to them?”
I think on it for a moment before responding. “I would tell them they’re strong. They’re not garbage, because they survived. The past can’t hurt them anymore. They can love and be loved.”
Dr. Rahn smiles. “I agree. Now just tell that to yourself every single day.”
I smile and nod.
“I’ll see you next week, Crystal. Work on changing how you speak to yourself and listening to others, even if it might hurt.”
I shake her hand and walk out, feeling a lot better.
“I’m still sad I can’t make the wedding,” Cara says from my comfy recliner.
“Well you could just cancel your tour with Kelsea Ballerini,” I joke.
She lobs a pillow at me.
I’m so glad we became close friends. Family isn’t always who you are related to by blood; more often, it’s who you choose to have close to you. My family isn’t the people who gave birth to me, it’s my friends who are there for me, no matter what.
“I’m so pissed I can’t come anymore,” Shae says.
I grab her hand.
With the custody battle going on, she can’t take the kids out of the country. And she doesn’t feel comfortable leaving them with their dad. He’s never done anything to hurt them, but she has this gut feeling that is saying to be wary.
“Did you hear Outspoken Chaos is going back on tour?” I say, trying to change the subject. “Well, if they can find a tour manager. No one wants to work with Ace after all the shit that went down over the last year.”
“Hey, I need a job. Do you think Tia would hire me?” Shae asks.
I stare at her for a moment. “Do you think you could handle it? It’s a lot of traveling, so you’d be away from your kids. And you have to have a strong backbone, but the pay is good.”
She lets out a laugh. “My backbone is so strong, I’m pretty sure it’s made of concrete. And it will be tough to be away from the kids, but I know they have amazing aunties here.”
I smile and nod. “Absolutely, and I don’t mind watching them while you’re on tour if Karl can’t or wants a break.”
“I’ll totally take them if I’m home,” Cara says.
I pull Shae into my side. “We may not be sisters by blood, but you are the best sisters a girl could ask for.”
We all giggle.
“I’ll talk to Tia and see what she says, but I’m sure she’ll be relieved that someone is taking the job,” I tell Shae. “I bet you could even train with Damon!”
We spend the rest of the evening watching TV and eating junk food. Life is good. Well, for the most part. My thoughts always drift to Dustin. How good it feels being wrapped in his arms, the way he loves me so fiercely. But Dr. Rahn was right; I need to love myself before I can love anyone else. And I’m working on it. Each day, I get a little stronger.
“Plane, plane, plane!” Olivia shrieks.
I smile. “Yes, we’re going on a plane. Are you ready to go somewhere warm?”
I’m so happy Tia and Mikey decided to get married in Mexico in our coldest month of the year. There are really only two days where I have to do bridesmaid things. The rest of the time, I can relax. Olivia is excited for the kids’ club, and I’m excited to sit by the pool and take in the sun.
“I am so sorry if Edward loses his goddamn mind on this flight,” Leah says, triple-checking her bag.
He coos at me from his stroller, and I wiggle his foot.
“You are a good baby, aren’t you? You won’t make Mommy crazy, will you? No, no,” I say in a soft baby voice.
“Just remember to try and feed him when taking off and landing,” Johnny says.
Oh, my God. If looks could kill, he would be dead.
“Like I would forget that, Captain Obvious,” Leah sneers at him.
Yep, this is going to be a long flight. Thankfully, it will be comfortable, since Mikey and Tia have spared no expense and rented a private jet.
“Okay, is everyone ready?” Mikey asks.
Olivia cheers.
The bridal party, Mikey’s parents, and Tia’s dad are on this flight. Dustin is flying in from somewhere else with Kyle. All the other guests are arriving in a couple of days.
We board the plane, and my breath is taken away. Holy shit. Is this real? The floor is carpeted, and it looks like a living room.
“Where do you want to sit, sweetie?” I ask Olivia.
She chooses a comfy couch. Yes, that’s right. A couch. But she doesn’t want to sit with me. I roll my eyes. Mom isn’t cool anymore. Carol and CeCe sit next to her, and I thank Mikey’s mom for agreeing to sit with my spawn for the flight. I look around for a place to sit. There are no uncomfortable bucket seats here. No, even the single chairs look luxurious. How is this my life? I’m a girl who grew up with nothing, and now I’m sitting on a luxurious private jet. I choose a single recliner and set my bag down.
I give Olivia her tablet and little headphones, hand CeCe a second pair, and plug them together. I had a suspicion they would want to be together, so I came prepared. I hope she passes out for some of the trip, but I have a bag of goodies if I need them.
I go to my seat and buckle up, since we will be leaving right away. Still in a bit of shock. Tia sits across from me and smiles.
“Th
is is so crazy, right?” she asks.
I nod. “How is this life? Thank you for having us. I am so excited for you two.”
She reaches across and grabs my hand. “Thank you for coming. I know life has been difficult for you, but I am so happy to see you growing. How’s therapy going?”
“Amazing. She’s helping me understand more about myself. I never realized I suffered from PTSD, but it all makes sense. Talking about the past is helping me clear it out, so that the hold on me isn’t as strong. And I’m learning to love myself.”
She smiles. “I’m so glad to hear that.”
Mikey sits next to her and gives her a gentle kiss. I hope I have love like that one day. But for now, I need to focus on me.
I lean back in my chair, put my headphones in, and close my eyes. I found a really amazing podcast about self-love, and I have been listening to it every day. Every day, I grow, and I’m learning to love myself. It’s not something that will happen overnight, but by being mindful of the words I say to myself, I’m noticing a positive change in so many aspects of my life that I never even realized were being affected. I’m more patient with Olivia, and I feel like I’m a better friend because I’m actively listening to what people have to say. I fought therapy so hard for so long, but I am so glad I took the plunge, because I’m a better person because of it.
“I’m glad the tour is over,” I tell Kyle as we enter the airport.
“Me too, man. I can’t wait to see my daughter.”
“She’s coming to the wedding, right?”
“Yeah. My sister is bringing her. I’m thankful that Mikey and Tia allowed me to invite her. Not only do I want a vacation with my family, but I hope to get a little alone time. So, it’s nice to have a babysitter on hand.”
I nod, but my thoughts drift to Crystal, as they often do. I haven’t seen her in a long time, and I don’t even know if she’ll talk to me. Sure, she was concerned when I was kidnapped, and she has been texting with me every day, but that doesn’t mean she’ll want to see me face-to-face. And what am I going to do when I see her? I can’t touch her, because she isn’t mine anymore, and that makes me want to vomit.
“It’s going to be okay,” Kyle says, as if reading my mind.
I nod.
“I sure hope so,” I mumble.
“Why do people bring babies on flights?” I ask Kyle after we land in Mexico.
There was one baby who didn’t stop crying the entire time. I thought I was going to lose my mind.
“Because you can’t just abandon your child when you want to go on vacation,” Kyle jokes.
I smile. “True. Where did Tia say we were to go when we landed?”
I’m thankful that Kyle is with me, because I never remember anything.
“She said to just head outside and there would be a car waiting. The driver should have my name on the card.”
“Why your name?” I ask, probably more rudely than intended.
“So paparazzi isn’t waiting for you, you idiot,” Kyle says, slapping me upside the head.
“Fuck, that hurt,” I whine.
He just laughs. I push him back and we walk outside.
Once we’re inside the fancy car, I close my eyes, feeling my heartbeat rising.
“I’m nervous,” I admit.
Kyle grasps my shoulder. “it’s going to be okay. Honestly, I don’t know what to expect, so I can’t tell you what to do, but let her take the lead. You had the patience of a king last time. Now, I think you’re going to need the patience of a monk.”
I nod. “It’s just so much harder this time. I’ve already had a taste of her. I know how amazing we are together. I need her back.”
“I know, man, but sometimes the universe has different plans. You’ll survive if things don’t work out.”
Kyle once had the love of his life in his grasp. But, shortly after their daughter was born, she left and never came back. He dates occasionally, but never very seriously. I think his heart still belongs to her. Or maybe he just needs to find the right girl to knock him on his ass.
I hope my story has a different ending, because I know it would hurt like hell if Crystal told me we were done forever. I’m still holding on to the hope that she just needs to heal.
Kyle gets us checked in, and it’s super awesome that everyone who is there for the wedding is all in the same area. I hope that means I’ll be running into Crystal a lot.
“Glad you could finally show up,” Mikey says sarcastically.
“Well, you know the fans love me. You’re lucky I was able to squeeze you into my busy schedule,” I quip.
“Shut up or you’re out of the wedding party,” he chuckles.
“Do you have friends who could fill my spot?” I ask.
He pushes me. “Seriously, thanks for making it, man.”
I nod. “Wouldn’t miss it for the world.” I kick my shoe and stare down for a moment. “Um, do you know what room Crystal is in?”
I hate that I sound so self-conscious. He smiles and gives me a knowing look.
“Yep,” is all he says.
I kind of want to punch him. “Care to share with the class?”
“I don’t know. What’s in it for me?” he asks with a smug smirk.
“You get to keep your pretty face intact?”
He barks out a laugh. “Oh, my God. If you punched me, you’d have to deal with Tia, and she’s much scarier than I am.”
I nod; he isn’t wrong. Tia can be scary when she wants to be, and I’m not stupid enough to fuck up her wedding day. It’s only taken them a hundred years to get here.
“Let me tell you a little story,” Mikey says.
I stare at him, waiting for him to go on.
“If you were to hypothetically get drunk and come up to your room, and for some reason you couldn’t remember if your door was the one on the right or the one on the left, and hypothetically you chose by accident to try the door on the right, you might hypothetically wake up a very pretty brunette with hazel eyes and her super cute four-year-old daughter.”
I smile, and Mikey shoots me a wink before walking away.
She’s right next door. I smile hard when I enter my room. Fuck, I hope she agrees to talk to me. Should I just knock on her door and say hi? Or should I wait until we run into each other?
My phone buzzes, pulling me from my thoughts.
Mikey: Rehearsal dinner is in two hours. She’s with the girls getting ready. You’ll see her soon. Don’t do anything stupid.
Me: Thanks.
I smile even harder. I’m going to see Crystal in two hours. I look in the mirror and realize that I’m in desperate need of a shave.
The twinkly lights set up around the patio are beautiful. If this is any indication of what tomorrow is going to be, I know it’s going to be perfect. And it should be. Mikey and Tia deserve a perfect day.
I lean over a railing, looking at the ocean, and smile as the wind blows through my hair. It’s cooled down a bit, but it’s still much warmer than it is back home. My light dress moves around, and I feel so free.
Today was perfect. I spent the morning with Olivia at the pool. Then, after lunch, she and CeCe joined the kids’ club and the girls and I went for a spa day. I had a massage and a mani/pedi, and I honestly feel so relaxed. I never do anything for me, and I’ve learned that you can’t pour from an empty glass. Self-care is important; I’m trying really hard to keep it up.
The ripples of the waves are almost hypnotic, and I don’t hear someone walking up behind me.
“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” Dustin asks.
Without thinking, I throw myself into his arms.
“I am so glad you’re okay,” I mumble into his chest. “I know I heard your voice and you sent me that funny picture from the hospital, but seeing you in person…it just really calms me.”
I realize that I probably shouldn’t be clinging to him, so I step back fast.
“Sorry about that,” I mumble, looking down and tucking my hair be
hind my ear.
His smile is enchanting, and I smile back.
“Never apologize for hugging me,” he says.
I nod. “How was your flight?”
“It was good, but there was a baby who wouldn’t stop crying the entire flight.”
I giggle. “Edward was the best baby ever; he didn’t make a peep. Maybe he knew he was flying in a private jet and didn’t want to ruin it.”
Dustin lets out one of his signature laughs, and I melt a little. I’ve missed that laugh.
“Okay, guys, time for food!” Mikey says.
I walk away from Dustin.
Honestly, I wanted to kiss him, but I don’t know where we are, and really, I don’t know if I’m ready for us to be a thing again. Right now, my focus has to be on me and getting better. I want to let Dustin back into my life, but it will have to be as just a friend for now. Until I know for sure that I’m ready, I can’t send him mixed signals. It’s just not fair.
“Thank you all for joining us tonight. You’re our close friends and family and we wanted tonight to be just that. Tomorrow is going to be insane and I’m probably going to cry, a lot.” Tia pauses, and the small crowd laughs. “But tonight, we wanted to celebrate with the people who mean the most to us. So, cheers to you!”
We all lift our glasses, and I stand. Tia smiles at me. She asked me to give a small speech tonight, since I’m not the maid of honor, but an honorary little sister.
“We are here in Mexico because two people loved each other so much that nothing could keep them apart. Tomorrow is the day they’ll say ‘I do,’ but tonight is the night to celebrate the family they have created. Most of us are not related by blood, but we are all family, and Tia and Mikey are our common denominator. So tonight, we celebrate family.” I raise my glass.
“Thank you,” Tia mouths, wiping a tear out of her eye as everyone cheers.
I nod, wiping at my own eyes. I never had a real family before Tia, and now I am blessed to have so many awesome people in my life.
The rest of the night is filled with laughter, music, food, and a bit of alcohol. Mikey is fine with being around it now, but we are still typically respectful and keep it in moderation.
