“Whoa, whoa, easy.” I put a hand up in alarm. “What are you talkin’ about? You don’t need to be goin’ anywhere.” Pausing for a moment, I tried to rein in my irritation. “Don’t you get it? You two can’t be seen!”
“We need money of our own, Teek,” Tyzee said seriously, giving me a look of desperate frustration. “We’re not being ungrateful.” She shared another strange glance with Alelicia, who was goin’ the fuck in on her salad. “But I for one don’t want to have to ask you to go get me certain things, and do you really want to be going to the store and getting tampons? Make up? Soap and deodorant? Hello?” She threw her hands up in irritation, then nodded over to Skreech. “Or have your little runt do it?”
“Hey!” Skreech yelped, fried chicken and bits of french fries tumblin’ out of his little mouth. “That hurts!”
I nodded after a moment, not wantin’ to fight about it, especially since I felt I was somehow in the wrong for fuckin’ that tiefling stripper earlier.
“Alright, you have a fair point. Here.” I reached into my pocket, pullin’ out all the remaining cash I had in the fuckin’ world at that point. “Here,” I repeated, countin’ out a few hundred dollars for each girl, handing them both a small bunch of crumpled up bills. “We’ll call it an allowance, okay? But if this is how we’re gonna do it, you better clean this fuckin’ joint up when I’m out bustin’ my fuckin’ hump all damn day.” I cast an arm vaguely around the apartment, which was already startin’ to get a little dirty with trash and miscellaneous shit accumulating.
“Okay, no problem.” Tyzee nodded, lookin’ curiously at the crunched up dollar bills in her palm, then back up to me. “That’s fair, but we need cleaning supplies.”
Skreech noisily swallowed some chicken gristle and quipped, “say, boss, I’m really feelin’ this talk about allowances, what do ya say—”
He didn’t finish, noticing the murderous glare I had turned on him.
“Teek,” Alelicia began seriously, lickin’ the salad dressing off of her fork like a fuckin’ cat, “I don’t know how to clean. I don’t think I’ve ever done it before.”
I rolled my eyes up into my fuckin’ skull and swore loudly. “You’ll figure it out.” Pulling out a cigarette and headin’ for the front door, I looked back at Tyzee, who was watchin’ me storm off, a sort of curious amusement in her eyes. “Come talk to me for a minute.”
She got up after a moment and followed me out the door, onto the walkway. I passed her the cigarette I just lit up, and after she took a couple puffs and passed it back to me, I looked in her eyes.
“Listen.” I took a long drag on the cigarette. “I got this job I gotta do tomorrow alright? I’m tryin’ to figure out how I’m gonna go about it, but to be honest with ya, I’m struggling a bit. There’s this situation, and it’s a little complicated, to say the least. Basically, long story short, I’m to evict a couple of squatters from a shitty apartment building where they decided to stop payin’ rent.”
“Why?” Tyzee looked at me strangely.
“What do you mean, ‘why’?” I finished the cigarette and flicked the butt out into the street below, watching the little glowing ember bounce a couple times as it landed. I was strugglin’ to keep eye contact with the girl, every time I looked at her I thought about my shady quicky with the bangin’ stripper back at The Purple Rose, and I felt guilty for some inexplicable reason.
“I mean why you?” She motioned a hand at me. “Why does any of this involve you?”
“Why me is right! Hell, I asked myself the same thing. But here we are and that’s that. The thing is...” I put a hand on her shoulder, bringin’ her close to me. “If I get this done properly and in a business like time frame, I think we’ll be all set, cash wise, you know what I’m sayin’?” She looked at me somewhat dubiously but nodded, so I continued. “Now, I’ve been tryin’ to think of a way to get these shitheads outta that place with as little violence as possible.” I paused, peering up at the night sky, seeing the constellation that the humans called Orion the Hunter but the hobgoblins called Nomog the Young glimmering down at us. “But to do that,” I went on, recalling my thoughts from earlier on the liquor store nearby the Dozen Diamonds Townhouses complex, “I’m gonna need to neutralize this R.D.O. group they got backin’ ‘em, and the only way I can think to do that is the old bait and switch.”
“Huh?” Tyzee asked confusedly. “The R.D. who? I’m sorry, I’m lost.” She raised her hand to push her hair out of her face, rubbed her forehead with her palm. “Why are you telling me all of this?”
“Well,” I began, an eyebrow raised, “the only way I’m gonna be able to pull this off is if I got a lady accomplice with me.”
“Accomplice?”
“Yea, accomplice. Look, you said you want some money of your own, right?”
“Yes, but...” She pulled away from me slightly, lookin’ back at me intensely.
“Okay, so, you help me out with this job, and I’ll break you off a decent piece of what I make off it.” I grimaced as the words passed my lips, having the thought that these girls were already costing me too much. “And all you’ll have to do is a little… play acting.”
Chapter 15
I was sittin’ in the car in the unlit pharmacy parking lot across the street from the liquor store the next night, with Tyzee, who was lookin’ at me like I was nuts. I was havin’ a hard time keepin’ a straight face with her, the big ugly ass red hair wig she was wearin’ making her look like some sort of wild clown princess. I had run out earlier in the day and grabbed the wig at some goofy ass party store around the way, where I had also picked up a tiefling mask, the kind that a human kid would wear when they celebrated that strange Halloween holiday of theirs. After grabbing that shit, I swung by the Dozen Diamonds, mistakenly bringing Tyzee with me.
“Damn, that your girl?” Mikey had probed earlier, impressed and ogling the shit outta the hybrid orc girl sittin’ in the passenger seat.
“Yea, keep your eyes to yourself. Did ya check in on the two scumbags like I told you? What’s the status, are they there?”
Mikey nodded. “Yea, they had another late night fuckin’ love fest with some of their hippie pals. I had 10 fuckin’ angry voicemails on my office line this mornin’, you believe that?”
“Alright, good,” I snapped. “By this time tomorrow they’ll be outta here.” Then I got in the Mustang and zoomed off, grabbin’ something to eat with Tyzee.
Now me and her were sittin’ in the car across the street from the liquor store and she was tryin’ to figure out why I had just placed a gun on her lap.
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this?” She hissed, lifting the gat up by the barrel, “you didn’t say anything about any guns.”
I shook my head, chuckling. “It ain’t loaded, relax.”
“Oh, I thought you said, ‘there’s nothin’ more useless than an unloaded gun’.” She had made her voice deeper to imitate mine. “And why exactly do I have to wear this wig?”
I reached over and popped open the glove box, pullin’ out the Skull Clown mask I had in there. It looked haunting as hell, a lady face with skull white skin, exposed skull teeth for a smiling mouth, huge painted red lips, the mask concealing all her features except for her irises. I dropped it on her lap before slippin’ on the flappy rubber tiefling mask myself.
“Put that mask on, too.”
“Teek,” Tyzee said firmly, lookin’ at me real serious, “what is going on? What are we doing here?”
I was tryin’ to keep calm as I flicked my eyes from her to the liquor store parking lot across from us, seeing just one car there and not any activity besides the top of a single head bobbing around from time to time in the store window.
“Alright, look. We’re gonna pretend to rob this liquor store, okay?”
“What?!”
“Take it easy!” I put my hand up, then gently placed it on her shoulder. “Like I said, we’re gonna pretend, we’ll run in there, wave the guns around, ma
ybe break a bottle or two and the dumbbell workin’ the register will have that cash drawer open so fast it’ll knock the wind outta him.”
“I can’t believe this! I don’t want to be part of a robbery, Teek!”
“It ain’t a robbery! It’s fuckin’ pretend! Nobody’s gonna get hurt, alright? I promise.” I gave her a hard look in the eye. “We’ll be in and out in no time, we’ll swing by the Diamonds and plant the evidence.”
“What do you mean?” Tyzee grilled me, not catching on.
“I can’t explain it all to you. The less you know the better. You just have to trust me that absolutely no one will get hurt.”
Tyzee looked down worriedly at the MAC-10 I had given her, having lifted it off Skreech before I set out earlier in the morning. I nearly told her how sexy she looked holdin’ the gun in her pretty little green hand but I got the sense it wasn’t the time. “Teek...”
“Hey, let me show you I really mean what I say.” I took the little submachine gun from her paws, pointed to the eject button, clicked it and showed her the clip sliding out smoothly, then I turned it right side up, showing her it was empty inside, that there was no bullets. “You see?”
She nodded, took the gun back from me and proceeded to ram the clip back up into the hollow of the gun’s grip. “You really promise no one will get hurt?”
“I promise,” I told her again. “This is the only way Tyzee, I can’t just blow the squatters fuckin’ brains out or go rough them up with this social justice group behind ‘em.”
She shook her head, a little grin tugging at her mouth as she looked in the rearview mirror and adjusted her wig.
“What?” I cocked an eyebrow that she couldn’t see under the tiefling mask. “What’s so funny?”
“Your mask, for one.” She started to giggle despite tryin’ to resist it. “And I must like you if I got on this ugly ass firetruck red wig and I’m about to rob a liquor store with you.”
I smiled back, though she couldn’t see. “Yea, well, I must like you some too if I’m bringin’ you along to do dirt with me.”
“Hmm,” Tyzee mumbled, looking thoughtful for a moment, “why did you bring me along?”
“What do you mean? You said you wanted to earn a couple extra dollars, right?”
“Well, yea, but why did you bring me, and not Alelicia?” She turned to look out of the window for a second before turning back to me. “Or Skreech for that matter?”
“I don’t think Alelicia would have the stomach for this.”
“Oh.” She smirked. “But somehow you think I do?”
“And Skreech wouldn’t be able to impersonate a lady.” I looked away from her. “But you sure can.” I was tryin’ not to snigger but it was bubbling up anyway.
“Of course I can.” She gave me an odd look. “Hey, wait a minute!” She started to laugh, and I couldn’t help but think it wouldn’t hurt to see that smile everyday. “You’re such an ass!” Tyzee playfully shoved me against my door and I nudged her back.
“Alright, alright, take it easy!” I laughed. “So, you ready to do this with me or what, partner?”
She nodded, grinning, then picked up the Skull Clown mask and slipped it on.
“I can’t believe you talked me into this.” She giggled. “Okay, I’m ready.” She turned to me, lookin’ sexy as hell and terrifying at the same time, then lifted up the unloaded MAC-10 to show me her finger on the trigger. “Partner.”
Chapter 16
After I spied on the store for a while, doing my best to catch a moment when there were no customers inside, we made our way over to the liquor store, walkin’ normally, though I had to stress to Tyzee via whisper to tuck the gat ‘til we were in the store, just in case some civilian should so happen to come by. We both had dark hoodies on and had pulled them up over our heads as we walked through the front door—combined with the masks and gloves we slipped on, we were unrecognizable.
I quickly turned to face the wall of wine bottles on the right as I hurried to the back of the store. My face stayed angled down so I wouldn't be noticed. With a glance, I spotted the cashier, a dude with a body shaped like a potato, a head like a smaller potato with a tuft of straw colored hair on top. He was wearing a disheveled gray polo, reading a magazine. I could smell the reek of alcohol on him from all the way across the store. Tyzee was on my heels, nearly bumpin’ into me a few times as I stopped and scanned the aisles, tryin’ to see if there was anyone else in the store. I walked to the back, lookin’ like I was strugglin’ to decide on the chilled chardonnays and roses in the cooler on the right or the flavored rums on the left, lookin’ real shady if anyone with half a mind to look was watchin’ me. Deciding the coast was as clear as it was gonna get, I nodded to Tyzee, whispering, “it’s go time.”
She nodded back to me and I lingered a moment, lookin’ into her eyes, seein’ fear there but also a hint of excitement. I tip-toed back towards the front of the store, ducking down slightly so the drunk at the register might not immediately pick up on us sneakin’ up beside him, then, peeking around the store, I quietly lifted my emptied .40 caliber Smith & Wesson from the waist of my pants, motioning for Tyzee to do the same, and when she had untucked her empty gat as well, I nodded and we slowly made our way over to the register. I came up to the cashier guy rapidly, dickin’ it that last few steps from the safety of the cover of the aisle and raising my gat so it was pointin’ square at his face.
“Let me see them hands.” I motioned with the gun for him to reach for the fuckin’ sky, then glanced over to Tyzee. “Hey babe, go ‘head and put that gun to his head, so this tough guy knows we mean business.”
“Piece of shit, what do you think you’re doin’?” The drunk guy grumbled as he felt Tyzee shove the barrel of her unloaded piece into his left temple, slowly raising his hands up. “You think you’re gonna get away with this?!”
“Yo!” I looked around wildly, grabbed the first bottle within reach and hurled it at the wall behind the guy’s head, making that bottle shatter along with the pricey bottles of booze along the wall that it had smashed into. “Who told you to talk, you fuckin’ nut? Now this is how it’s gonna go.” I moved closer, the barrel of my gat barely a foot in front of his face. “You’re gonna open that cash drawer nice and slow, and you’re gonna empty it right there.” I pointed at the stack of brown paper bags laying on top of the counter, then took one and opened it up with my available hand. “Right in this bag, and you’re gonna hand it to my associate here, and we’re all gonna live happily ever after, hell, you might as well have a drink after this.”
“I ain’t givin’ you shit, you ugly ass tiefling bastard,” the drunk rumbled, gritting his yellowed teeth and starin’ at me the way only an old angry thwarted drunk can. “You can take your bitch here and go.”
“Hey!” Tyzee yelled, pushing the barrel of the MAC-10 deeper into the veiny flesh of the drunk’s temple. “Who are you callin’ a bitch?! Just for that...” She looked around, then spotted something I couldn’t see from my angle. “I’m gonna take these candy bars too!” She reached down and seized a handful of chocolate bars and shit, throwin’ them in the brown paper bag I had opened up and sat on the counter.
“Are you fuckin’ kidding me or what? Chocolate bars?!” I growled over at Tyzee. The drunk raised an eyebrow at me, but seemed to think better of sayin’ somethin’ smart right then. I started to get an ugly feeling in my gut at that moment, maybe I hadn’t thought this all the way through—I mean this fuckin’ drunk jerk off seemed like he was ready to play hard ball. Suddenly I heard a rustling to the right of me.
“Hey…” I heard a concerned male voice begin. “Hey, what’s going on here?”
Turning my unloaded .40 caliber to the asshole that must have been in the bathroom and snuck out when we had made our way back to the front of the store, I saw a middle aged human in a green shirt look back at me in shock and drop the bottle of whiskey he had been holding.
Glass shattered. Alcohol fumed in the air.
“You’re fuckin’ dead now, shithead!” The guy’s eyes gleamed. He drooled a bit as he smiled down at the big hand cannon in his lap, lookin’ beyond pleased that his little spring trap had worked.
Chapter 17
“Fuck!” I roared, turning to face the asshole, realizing almost too late that my .40 caliber was unloaded and I had told Tyzee we wouldn’t have to hurt no one. The guy was startin’ to look like he suspected somethin’ was up since she wasn’t pullin’ the trigger. I was seein’ shit in slow motion, saw the drunk slob’s dirty hand reaching for the grip of that big fuckin’ revolver.
“Don’t fuckin’ do it!” I ducked down, flicking the clip on the holster on my ankle, droppin’ my Smith & Wesson to the ground with a dull click clack clatter, grabbin’ hold of the .38 Special, which was fully loaded, thumbing back the hammer and standin’ back up, the barrel pointed right at the guy’s puffy red cheek. His hand had just fully got around the grip and his finger was right at the trigger but all this was absolutely useless to him since the gun was still on his lap, not aimed at me but pointed down the aisle to the left of the register counter.
His eyes kept switchin’ from me, to the black metal barrel starin’ him right in the face, to the gun on his lap, then back to me.
“Don’t do it, man, don’t be a fuckin’ jerk,” I warned, “nobody has to get hurt tonight—” The drunk suddenly yelled incoherently, and began to lift and turn the revolver towards me.
“You fuckin’ prick!” I aimed a little above him, fired three times, BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! making my fuckin’ ears ring, seein’ the other bottles of expensive booze burst in a shower of glass and liquor as the bullets slammed through them, causing Tyzee to cover her ears and scream out, “stop! Stop it!” and the sneaky jerk off from the aisle that had come up on us seemingly outta fuckin’ nowhere to hit the fuckin’ deck, covering his ears and squeezin’ his eyes shut.
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