Defiant Heart

by Jeanie P Johnson

  “Isn’t there any way you could conduct your business from here?” she asked.

  “It would be difficult. There would have to be a lot of changes, and since my business is actually run out of America…not to mention, I have many holdings there…”

  “I understand,” Eleanor cut in. “I…I am not really that important. You shouldn’t have to worry about trying to fit me into your life. I am an heiress now. I want for nothing. You don’t have to worry about taking care of me now, if you don’t want to. The child isn’t even yours. I got myself into this. I can just get myself out.”

  “Eleanor,” he groaned, as he clutched her to him. “I can’t bare to lose you. I have to find a way. I will come to the ball, and by then I will know what to do,” he promised.

  But Eleanor, knew the choice he would make. Love would never be enough to hold him from the sea, or America. Her place was here with her grandfather, now that she had finally discovered he was her grandfather. Sebastian should have remained lost at sea, she thought regretfully. Now she would have to be brave, and tell all. But she would rather do that than insist that Sebastian remain and give up his life’s ambition for her.

  “I didn’t expect it to be this way,” he rasped in her ear. “I hadn’t thought everything out, when I came. If you were an heiress, of course your grandfather would expect you to take over his estates. I should have realized that, but I was so overjoyed to discover where you were, I could not wait to get here. You had refused to marry me, and yet you named me as your dead husband. I thought now I could be your live husband and you had no way to back out.”

  “But now you want to back out,” she tried to keep her voice steady.

  “No…no…I just have to think how to fix this, is all.”

  “Don’t do something you will regret later. I would hate it if you gave up everything for me, because then you would begin to blame me, and hate me in the end. I would rather part from you now, than spend a lifetime with you feeling regret for having married me.” Her voice broke in a sob.

  “I love you, Eleanor. Just remember I love you more than I have loved any woman. I don’t think I will ever stop loving you,” he told her with conviction.

  “But love will not be enough.” The truth had to be stated, she decided. “Love is not always enough. My grandfather loved my grandmother, and yet he allowed his parents to separate them, and has regretted it ever since.

  “Now I have come to give him the joy he had lived without most of his life, because I am part of the woman he had loved so desperately, whom he chose to give up. So you see, love doesn’t mean anything,” she sobbed. “Sometimes money means more, or the need to fulfill some destiny you have set for yourself. I loved you, but I was willing to leave and live alone without you, because I could not burden you with my own problems. So you see, love cannot be counted on.”

  Sebastian did not know how to reply. Perhaps she was right. Perhaps his love for the sea and his business along with his estate in America, was stronger than his love for her, he thought in despair. This new twist was changing everything, and he hated himself for allowing it to bring him up short. For the first time in his life he did not know what decision to make or why to make it. He had intended to take care of her, but now she didn’t need his money. She only needed his love. All of this effected his ego more than he had supposed it could. A wife was supposed to go with her husband, not the other way around. All the efforts he had made to become a successful merchant marine, and his pride of accomplishing that goal, seemed to pale suddenly, when he realized how much more wealthy Eleanor had become. All she needed was someone to be a father to that misfortunate child she was carrying, and someone to love her in the process, along with helping her run the estate.

  It knocked the wind out of his sails, suddenly knowing that loving Eleanor was not the only motivation that drove him to want her as his wife. He had also envisioned himself protecting her and supporting her. Bringing her to America, while she stood by him, helping him as he expanded his line, and raised his children to take over his achievements someday. He was proud of what he had accomplished, and he could not give that all up now.

  Clifford House was in England, and all his holdings were in America. He had not considered remaining in England. Maybe there was an answer to his dilemma, but for the life of him, he could not think of it at the moment.

  “I will return to the ball,” is all he said, and then he devoured her mouth one last time before he broke away and left her standing, as tears rolled down her cheeks, falling onto the top of her dress, creating dark stains. Dark stains that seemed to penetrate her very soul. They would stain her soul forever, she thought.

  The door slowly opened, and Garth put his head in the room. “I saw your husband leaving,” he said, and then stopped when he saw Eleanor standing, her face streaked with tears. “What ever is wrong, Eleanor? You haven’t had a disagreement with your husband the moment he returns to you, have you? You both looked so happy, I thought…” He approached her and awkwardly took her into his arms and patted her on the back. “Come sit down and tell me what has upset you so much.”

  “It…it is horrible. You will think the worse of me, and never talk to me again,” she insisted.

  “Don’t be absurd! Of course I will talk to you again.” He gently pushed her into a chair and sat across from her. “Now tell me what has upset you. Your husband is coming back, isn’t he? You are just crying because you already miss him. Is that it?”

  “He is not my husband. He wanted to marry me, but I refused, even though I love him desperately. It is all a big mess, and when he heard I claimed I was his widow, he was going to make me stand by my lie of him being my husband. But now I think he has changed his mind.”

  “He is the father of your child, though. He can’t just abandon you and the child.”

  “I…I don’t know who the father is. A man I was supposed to marry compromised me, and then I discovered he had been betrothed to someone else at the time, so I refused to marry him then. Then shortly after that, a man who worked on Sebastian’s ship, held me captive and I was knocked unconscious. When I awoke, I did not have any clothes on. I managed to escape out the window of the ship, and jump into the ocean. Sebastian saved me, not knowing I was the woman that my uncle had promised to him, sight unseen as his wife. He knows all about that now, and was still willing to marry me anyway. But now… everything has changed.”

  “I don’t understand. What could change his mind, if he was willing to take you and your child on and become your husband? Doesn’t he love you any more?”

  “Oh, he loves me. But that is not enough. He is a merchant marine. He has worked his whole life to build up his fleet. It is his life. He can’t take over grandfather’s estate. He would be a torn man, and I cannot leave grandfather to go with him, it would not be right. There is no one else to leave the estate to. Grandfather would die of a broken heart. I should just tell the truth, and release Sebastian from the responsibility.”

  “There must be a way around it,” Garth insisted.

  “I don’t know what it would be, if there was one,” Eleanor admitted. “I am a ruined woman. I made all the wrong decisions, and then I discovered I was an heiress, and no one knew anything about me. So I made up the story about being a widow. It all seemed so simple, I thought. I could not allow Sebastian to discover my downfall.

  “At the time he wanted to marry me, he did not know about the child, and neither did I. But even then, I was not a virgin, and I could not allow him to have me in that state. So I refused to marry him, and then I accidentally discovered who I really was. When Grandfather asked me the name of my husband, I just blurted out Sebastian’s name.

  Sebastian somehow found out about my condition through his own means, and was hunting for me, when he learned about me in the social pages, where Grandfather had my return posted. He came to tell me he still wanted to marry me and would claim the child as his own, until he realized how much he would have to give up to do th
at. So now I cannot demand him to stick by his word. It would not be fair for either of us. There is nothing else to do but tell the truth.” She bowed her head, as tears started to spill again.

  “Don’t rush to anything,” Garth instructed. “Wait until after the ball. Surely he will come to the ball, now that he told your grandfather that he was your husband, and by then, he will have come to his senses.”

  “He said he would come. But I know what he will tell me. I would rather he not come, than have come only to reject me in the end. I don’t think I could survive that. It is better to continue to pretend he was lost at sea, than to know he doesn’t love me enough to stay with me. Only if he did, then I would hate it anyway. I love him too much to make him stay, and if he remained, I would only feel guilty for taking him away from his livelihood. There is nothing either of us can do to make it work. I might as well face it.”

  “Wait until the ball then,” he insisted. “Don’t do anything until then. If you like I could ask Lord Boyd to allow me to stay and keep you company until your husband returns, as moral support, if you like.”

  “Yes, I would like that,” she agreed. “You are a true friend, Garth. I don’t know what I would have done if you were not here for me to lean on. Teddy, my cousin used to be my closest friend, and now I have you to take his place.”

  “Yes, Garth,” murmured. “He realized that Eleanor only thought of him as a brother, or a cousin, but still he had deep enough feelings for her to be willing to do anything to seek her happiness, regardless of how she felt about him, he decided. The poor girl must be going insane being put in such an awkward position. Someway he would try to help her out of it, he vowed.

  “Why don’t we go in and have lunch,” Garth offered. “The reason I came in here was to inform you that lunch was ready, and to invite you and Sebastian to join us all, but before I could do that, I saw him riding away down the drive. t surprised me that upon finding you, in order to let you know he survived, he suddenly was leaving after such a short visit. If it had of been me, I wouldn’t have been abele to be parted from your side, even forcefully. The man is out of his mind to abandon you before he has decided what to do about this situation. You would think he would want to spend hours talking it over with you, until you could come to some conclusion. In between making love to you, on the side, of course,” he smiled.

  “You are so kind to think so,” Eleanor blushed. “But alas, you are not Sebastian, and therefore you do not have the same pressures he has. Everything is my fault anyway. If I hadn’t let Percy take me, I would have been married to Sebastian by now.”

  “But what would you have done then, when you discovered who you really were? Would you have left your husband to stay with your grandfather and take your rightful place here at his estate?”

  “Yes, I suppose that would have been a harder choice, and the child I am carrying may have ended up really being Sebastian’s child, so no matter how we look at it, there is no happy ending.”

  “Certainly, there must be. But until then, don’t worry your mind with it. Just enjoy the time you have, and what ever you do, don’t let the old man suspect anything. You have turned his life around, and we do not want him to sacrifice this new found happiness over worry on this affair. Perhaps it will all come to a good conclusion, and you will discover you had nothing to worry about. If the man really loves you, he will discover a way to find an acceptable outcome for the both of you.”

  “I hope so,” she said weakly, as she followed him to the dining room in order to join her grandfather for lunch, along with some of his friends who had come to check on things. She would have to leave it in the hands of fate, she decided. At least she was well cared for, and even if Sebastian chose to never come back, she did not have to worry about her future. She had expected to live without him anyway, she consoled herself.

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  Sebastian pushed his horse at top speed, hoping the wind in his face would clear his brain, but no amount of speed or wind seemed to change the fact that he was at a crossroads that he did not want to be on. His love for Eleanor was almost painful, but still he thought of how she had left him, in spite of his love for her. She had been willing to disappear where he could never find her and not care about his aching heart. And now it was his turn to either break her heart or heal it from the blows it had already received.

  He remembered the way Garth had looked at them when he first entered the room, finding Eleanor in his embrace. The man was starting to fall in love with her himself, he thought with a jealous twinge, and yet if that were the case, he would surely be there to support Eleanor, if Sebastian chose not to stand by his offer.

  The thought of going back on his word, though, rubbed him the wrong way. Eleanor had left him out of ethics. She loved him so much she was not willing to allow him to take on the burden of a fallen woman. There were no ethics connected to what ever decision he was to make. It was based on either love, and desire, or selfishness. His own selfishness to live his life as he pleased. If he was to take on a wife, she was suppose to stand by him, and submit to his wishes, not the other way around, he justified to himself.

  But he could not drag her away from her Grandfather, who had been about as misfortunate as she had become before she discovered who she was. The old man had no children of his own, and had left the woman he truly loved out of obligation to his family and title. He had acted so overjoyed to discover he had a grandson-in-law; an illusion created by both him and Eleanor. Sebastian would not only be breaking Eleanor’s heart, but he would be breaking her grandfather’s heart as well. It was not just Eleanor and himself that were involved in this, it seemed to reach out and pull so many other people in along the way.

  And what of his own reputation? If he left Eleanor to deal with this child on her own, that had been foisted upon her so heartlessly by men who only wanted her body, in spite of her secure position, Teddy would never speak to him again.

  He had gotten to where he really enjoyed Teddy’s company. He would not only be throwing Eleanor over, but Teddy over as well. Teddy took so easily to sailing, that he had toyed with the idea of offering to bring him into his business, maybe as a partner, if he was interested. He had never had any close friends before. His life had been focused on working and accomplishing goals. He spent a good deal of his time at sea, only rubbing shoulders with those who worked on his ships. He had toyed with the idea of putting Teddy in charge of his dealings in England, so he could remain with Eleanor in America.

  He had envisioned just running the business from his estate there, once he got married, and only going to sea on rare occasions. But running the business took all of his energy, and there was no one in the right position who could take over for him, even if he was willing to let them, which he wasn’t. He thought idly of his cousin, Bernard, back in America, but they rarely spoke any more, and he would be the last person Sebastian would want to put in charge of his business.

  Perhaps if he brought Teddy into the business, he could train him to take over part time, by the time the old man finally died, and left his estate to Eleanor, and her husband, if he chose to become that husband. Clifford House was too far inland to run a shipping business, while trying to run the estate as well. He would have to travel back and forth, and eventually it would take it’s toll. But the thought of leaving his business to even Teddy did not sit well with him, either.

  Damn, why was this happening to him? Why had the only woman he thought he could love for the rest of his life, have to be so headstrong and get herself into so much trouble? At one time he thought he loved Annie, and was willing to spend the rest of his life with her, he reminded himself. He had even named one of his ships after her. He had been so broken up when she tossed him for another man, that he didn’t think he would ever get over her.

  Now he was thinking of tossing Eleanor aside for his business, rather than another woman. But wasn’t it about the same thing? Maybe he knew nothing about what true love was, he chided himsel
f, as his brows drew together, and he was forced to slow his horse before he ended up killing it with exhaustion.

  The look on Eleanor’s face, when she told him that Love apparently was not enough, haunted him, and he could not get the vision of her face out of his head. She had been so surprised to see him, and when he had offered to claim the child, the relief in her face had caused his heart to expand with the need to lift every burden from her shoulders in any way he could. But he had not thought everything through before he impulsively stepped back into her life.

  He had intended to force her hand at any cost, because she had so thoughtlessly continued to refuse his offer for her, in spite of the fact that he knew she loved him as much as he loved her. Perhaps she loved him more, he thought with a pang of guilt, washing over him. Was it just her beauty taking over his senses that would make him willing to throw away a life of accomplishments in order to share her bed? There were many beautiful women in the world, and he had sailed the world over sampling their beauty. He could do it again, he thought, trying to push the guilt away.

  The more he mulled over his situation, the more confused he began to feel, and by the time he got back he was so tired, all he could do was fall into a fitful sleep, on the small bed in the back room of his office.

  Teddy was standing in the doorway of his small room, when he opened his eyes, the next morning. “What are you doing back so soon?” Teddy inquired. “When I saw your horse at the post, I couldn’t believe my eyes. Poor horse. Why didn’t you stable it?” he demanded.

  “It was too late, and I was too tired,” Sebastian admitted.