The F Word (Redefining Me #1)

by Michelle MacQueen

  You always fight for what you want.

  Peyton ~

  Why did he always end up back here? It was like the river called to him each time the pain became too real. Each time Cameron was reminded of just who he was now. The rushing waters had taken a lot from him, and yet, it was the only place he could think—the only place he didn’t feel like he had to hide.

  He leaned against the railing near the bottom of the falls and closed his eyes, picturing Peyton’s face in her moment of realization. She’d finally learned the boy she put on such a pedestal wasn’t as perfect as she thought.

  Cam used to hate how much Peyton idealized him. In her mind, he could do no wrong. It came from a good place, but it only made him feel the need to hide the slightest imperfections.

  But now? This wasn’t some feeling of anger he squashed so she wouldn’t see that side of him. It wasn’t a simple dislike of his rise to running fame.

  He couldn’t keep this truth from her. Not anymore.

  He hung his head, letting the sound of the crashing falls wash away his self-pity. Only, it didn’t work this time.

  He’d never expected Peyton to be the one to make him feel more broken than he already had.

  He pulled his phone from his pocket and pressed his thumb over the No BS icon. He’d downloaded the app before driving away from the school. Knowing so many people at their school were struggling should have helped him feel less like an outsider, but it didn’t.

  They bravely told their stories. Sure, they were hidden behind screen names, but their words still had an impact.

  Cam only shared his problems with a dead guy and a kid.

  He didn’t know how long he’d been scrolling through messages when he finally turned and found his mother standing a few paces behind him.

  With a sigh, Cam lifted his eyes to hers. She wore one of her expensive workout outfits and looked so out of place in the park along the river it would have been comical if he was in any mood to laugh. Joggers weren’t a rare thing, but his mother wasn’t the typical jogger. She didn’t strap on fifty-dollar running shoes and discount spandex. Every workout of hers was calculated to further her career.

  Cam was the first to speak. “I thought you were filming a new video today.”

  She waved her hand as if to say that didn’t matter. Cam crossed his arms, not trusting her reason for coming. To her, the only things that mattered were work and appearances.

  “Cam.” Her voice wobbled on his name.

  He hadn’t noticed before, but dark mascara smudged under red eyes. Had his mother, the ice queen herself, been crying?

  “Mom, what happened?” He stepped toward her, alarm ringing in his mind. “Is it Dad? Is he okay?”

  She ran a hand through her perfect curls. The makeup. The hair. She’d already been prepared for the camera. Why was she there?

  “Cameron, do you truly hate competing?”

  Cam froze. What was she talking about? “I’m not sure what you mean.”

  “All these years, we’ve pushed you, but I thought we were only helping you get to where you wanted to go. Did you ever want to be an Olympic runner?”

  “I need to sit down.” Cam walked to a nearby bench, buying himself time to think. He rested his arms on his knees as she moved to sit beside him. “How did you find me here?”

  “I checked the track first, but you’ve been coming to this river a lot since returning home.”

  She’d noticed? For years, he’d lived his life as if his parents neither noticed nor cared where he was.

  “Can you please answer my question?” She straightened her spine to prevent herself from slouching. The vulnerability in her eyes might be new, but she was still the same person she’d always been.

  Cam sighed. “I don’t know.”

  “You don’t know?”

  He’d never had to explain this before, not even to Peyton. It was his best kept secret. “I’ve been running and competing for so much of my life that I never stopped to consider if I enjoyed it. The races, at least. I did love the running. But it was just my life, something I always did. Sure, I dreamed of the Olympics, but I don’t know if it was a true dream or one that just seemed like the logical choice.”

  She was quiet for a long moment. “And now?”

  Cam reached down and lifted his pant leg enough to feel the cold metal underneath. “Now, I don’t know what’s logical anymore.”

  She pursed her lips. “Logical.” She shook her head. “Maybe it’s time we all stop thinking about what’s logical and start figuring out what’s you.”

  “Who are you and what have you done with my mother?”

  He’d meant it as a joke, but sadness entered her eyes and she shifted them away. “Your father and I…” She sighed. “We’ve made a lot of mistakes. Do you know what saddens me the most?”

  He shook his head.

  “I’m not sure you even know how much we love you.”

  Cam focused on the tumbling falls and shrugged.

  His mother put a hand on his arm. “We’ve only ever wanted what is best for you, son. When your father had his Olympic dream taken away, it nearly killed him. He never wanted you to feel like that.”

  “It wasn’t taken away, Mom. He gave it up when he took the drugs. All I’ve ever been to him is his ticket back to the show, his chance at redemption.”

  She squeezed his arm. “I’m sorry we’ve made you feel like that, honey. And I’m sorry it took your friend to make me see it. She has quite the sharp tongue, that one. I’m glad you’ve had her looking out for you.”

  “My friend?”

  “Yes, the chubby one. Peyton.”

  Cam ripped his arm away from his mom. “What is wrong with you, Mom?” He stood. “You’re just like the rest of the world. You only see what’s on the outside. You fail to look close enough to notice Peyton has a bigger heart than you could even dream of.” Even as he said the words, he pictured her shock when she saw his leg.

  There had to be an explanation for her reaction. “She’s the best person I know. She cares about people. Do you know how many emails I received from you and Dad while I was gone? Two. Do you know how many Peyton sent? Three hundred sixty-five. She emailed every day for a year until finally stopping because I didn’t respond. She deserved better than your words, and she deserved better than me.”

  He turned to walk away. “And for the record, Peyton isn’t chubby. She’s beautiful even if she doesn’t fit the image of perfection in your superficial world.”

  He spared one last glance at his mother only to find her smiling. “Son, I have now been yelled at by both you and Peyton in a single day defending the other. For two people who aren’t speaking, you sure do care.”

  “Of course, I care. Even when I was avoiding her messages, wanting no reminders of the crash or this Godforsaken town, I cared.”

  “Then why am I the only one who knows that?”

  Since when did his mother give him advice? He shook his head and turned to walk up the grassy hill to where he’d parked his car.

  The day’s note from Peyton’s box sat on his dashboard. He’d taken it from the “You” envelope.

  You always fight for what you want.

  When she’d written it, she’d been wrong. He’d always let other people tell him what to fight for. Not anymore.

  13

  Peyton

  ~ Peyton,

  I’m an asshole.

  An asshole who took advantage of your kindness for far too long.

  I’m sorry, but you need to forget me.

  Cam ~

  Peyton eyed the top shelf of her closet.

  “Don’t do it, Peyton,” she whispered. “Don’t go down that rabbit hole again.” Last time was so close though. She tugged the jeans from the bottom of the pile of taboo clothes. The ones that were her favorites but no longer fit.

  Maybe this time. These used to be her favorite jeans. They used to be her baggy comfy, I don’t care jeans. Then last year, they became her
fat jeans. And now, they were her “I can’t wait to be skinny again so I can wear these” jeans. But if she put them on and they didn’t fit…if they were tighter than the last time she tried, it would send her spiraling again. She wasn’t sure it was worth the risk.

  I lost three more pounds. I can’t get mad at myself for that.

  The temptation was too much. Peyton held her breath as she slipped the jeans on. They fit! Peyton sucked in and tugged the zipper up. They were still snug, but as she turned around in the mirror, a triumphant smile lit her face. She was really doing it. All these months of diet and exercise were worth it to get to this moment. She couldn’t remember a time when she’d felt so…light. Like with the weight she’d lost an even greater weight had lifted from her shoulders.

  Peyton finished dressing for school and headed out the door. For the first time in ages, she felt like things were going to be okay. She’d find a way to make things right with Cameron. And then she’d figure things out with Julian. Somehow they would all heal and move on. They’d never be the same people they were before, but maybe that was okay.

  “Did you see the new data I sent you last night?” Katie met Peyton at her locker during their morning break.

  “Yes, I can’t believe how many users have joined in the last month.” Peyton slammed her locker shut. “This thing is taking off in ways I never dreamed. I created it for people like me who desperately need an outlet to talk about these things, but I never expected it would reach so many people dealing with so many issues.”

  “It’s so rewarding to see such honesty and positive communication. Scholarship or not, you should be proud, Peyton.”

  “I am. I just really need that scholarship money.” Peyton worried constantly about how she would ever pay for the kind of college education she wanted. Schools like MIT and Caltech were far beyond her parent’s meager college savings.

  “Peyton, if this thing keeps snowballing, you’re not going to have to worry about money for college.”

  “It’s a free app, Katie. And it’s always going to be free. I don’t want to charge users.”

  “You don’t have to.” She beamed, pulling a folder from her backpack. “My mom helped me with this.”

  “What is it?”

  “Everything you need to monetize No BS. After you win.” She winked.

  “Monetize?”

  “Affiliate advertising and local sponsors to start. Users will be accustomed to seeing this type of advertising from Facebook and Instagram, and they’ll think nothing of it. It won’t make you rich, especially not now, but eventually, when No BS takes the next steps to include more schools in our district, and then the state, you’ll generate an incredible passive income. And then… the world.” She threw her hands up. “Sky’s the limit, Peyton.”

  “I don’t understand half of what you just said.” Peyton flipped through the folder. “But I’m going to figure it out. Thanks for this, Katie. You’re a great friend.”

  “Anytime, Peyton. I don’t have many friends, so it’s been wonderful hanging out working on No BS with you.”

  “You know, we don’t need the excuse of work to hang out, Katie. We can hang out anytime.”

  “Deal. gotta run, see ya!” she called as she headed down the hall to her next class.

  Peyton darted back to her locker for a book she’d forgotten. Rushing to make it to her next class before the bell, she dropped the folder Katie had given her. As she bent over to gather the papers, she heard the absolute worst sound in the world. The ripping fabric echoed like a boom, and laughter erupted behind her.

  No. Nope, not possible. She did not just split out of her skinny jeans in front of the entire school.

  “Mooooo!”

  Peyton whirled around at the sound. “Did you just moo at me?” Her cheeks flamed bright red, but Goddamn it, she did not deserve this kind of ridicule. Today was a good day, and she hadn’t had many of those in recent months.

  “Yearbook pic,” Andrew, one of the jockiest jocks, said as he snapped a selfie with her and her ripped pants. Her cute pink panties with hearts on display for everyone’s entertainment—not to mention her dimpled butt cheeks.

  Humiliated, Peyton whirled around, looking for an escape as half the football team mooed at her. Her eyes swam with tears as she heard a familiar voice in the crowd. A voice that belonged to someone she once counted a friend.

  “Come on, guys, you remember Coop’s fat sister, Peyton.” He laughed. “Maybe just not quite so much of her.” His eyes drifted to her pink-clad butt as she tried to tug her shirt down to cover herself.

  “Jeez, Peyton, get some bigger jeans,” Meghan Lewis said with a look a disgust. “No one wants to see that.”

  This is not happening. Peyton’s blood boiled with rage. She was so sick of it. Sick of it all.

  “Seriously, Peyton?” Ashley wrinkled her nose. “Why don’t you try some mom jeans with the elastic waist?” She giggled at her own joke.

  “Shut up!” Peyton screamed, her voice bouncing off the concrete walls. “Shut your Goddamn mouth before I shut it for you!” She took a step toward Ashley and Meghan. “What the hell is wrong with you people?” She ran her hand through her hair in frustration. “Yeah, I’ve struggled with my weight since my brother died. Cooper was the golden boy of this school—he was your friend, but he was my brother. Give me a freaking break and stop trying to kick me when I’m down.” She glared at the crowd staring back at her in silence. “I know I need to lose weight, but do you all have to rub my nose in it every chance you get? I’m sorry I wear my biggest imperfection for the world to see. Go ahead, get a good look at my disgusting dimpled ass. I don’t care anymore.” Peyton’s heart pounded in her chest as the anger and resentment that had built up all her life spilled out of her.

  “But take a good look at yourselves, and think about your imperfections. The ones you’re able to hide. The things you wish you could change about yourself.”

  “Avery the jock.” She whirled on him. “Maybe you wish you weren’t such a bad drunk. That you had the willpower to say no so you don’t end up like your loser dad.” She didn’t even feel bad when all the color drained from his face. “You’re dating the most popular girl in school. Well, bravo. Do you even care that your girlfriend makes these halls a nightmare for the rest of us.” She couldn’t even summon the words for his girlfriend, Meghan Lewis. That would have sent her into a rage, and this wasn’t about being as mean as them.

  “Addison the cheerleader, maybe you can hide all the ways you manage to make yourself look like that. But what if you couldn’t? What if the one thing you know you are was tattooed on your forehead and that’s all anyone ever saw about you?” She wouldn’t say it. She wouldn’t embarrass her onetime friend by calling her a bulimic in front of the entire school. It was enough that Addie knew what she was talking about.

  “Ashley, Ms. Popular herself. How would you feel if the only thing anyone ever saw in you was your worst flaw? The thing everyone whispers behind your back but they’re too scared to say to your face? What if you walked down this hallway and everyone yelled exactly what they really think of you to your face?” She wouldn’t say the S word. No one, not even the meanest mean girl deserved to be called a slut.

  She stared at their outraged faces and wanted to disappear. All the mooing and laughter still echoed in her mind. “Now, ask yourselves what the hell gives you the right to do the same thing to me?”

  14

  Cameron

  ~ Cam,

  You make me brave.

  Peyton ~

  Coop’s fat sister.

  As Cam walked down the hall, Avery’s words had their classmates laughing. Mooing. Were they freaking mooing? Avery had once been one of them. There was a time he’d have protected Cooper’s sister from his own football team and every one of their awful classmates.

  Those times were gone.

  It brought Cam back to the night of the accident when one of the football players called Peyton names, and Ca
m hadn’t defended her. At least not until it was too late. He wouldn’t make that mistake again.

  He ran down the hall, pushing through the crowd who’d gathered to watch one of their own try to hide her ripped pants, just glad it wasn’t them.

  Peyton stood, fire blazing in the depths of her gaze, as she scalded each person before her. Cam showed up mid-rant. As Peyton spoke, the laughter continued.

  “I’m sorry I wear my biggest imperfection for the world to see. Go ahead, get a good look at my disgusting dimpled ass.” Her words echoed down the hall until she started naming names. The laughter died away as they realized she wasn’t stopping. Peyton Callahan held every bit of power in the palm of her hand. She could have ended it. Everyone had secrets, and Peyton knew them. As they’d ignored her, taunted her, she’d watched them.

  Addison sent a panicked look to Avery, and Cam’s rage intensified. Where was her panic when her old friend was bullied by her new friends?

  Cam barely heard the rest of Peyton’s words as his heart thudded in his ears. Peyton had never wanted to be popular, to be one of them. She’d only ever wanted to be free to be herself, and they wouldn’t let her.

  If there was one thing No BS had taught Cam, it was that they were all hiding something. Picking on Peyton was an outlet for their own insecurities.

  “Now, ask yourselves what the hell gives you the right to do the same thing to me?” Peyton’s final words snapped Cam back to attention. He waited, knowing she hadn’t seen him yet. She didn’t know there was an ally at her side, someone who never saw the imperfections she claimed she had. To him, she’d always been perfect.

  One of Avery’s football buddies broke the silence with a snort. “Take your preaching to people who want to hear it.” Snickers surrounded him.

  Avery stood stoically by, letting his friends continue to laugh. Cam didn’t care what they did, and he knew neither did Peyton. But Avery?