A Mother's Grace

by Rosie Goodwin

  Grace shrugged. She was sick of thinking about it and worrying about her and the baby’s future and she really didn’t want to go over it all again. The Llewelyns had no idea about the baby as yet – Gertie clearly thought that it was up to Grace to tell them when she felt ready, for which Grace was grateful. However, she knew that she wasn’t going to be able to hide it for much longer. This morning she had noticed the slight swell of her stomach and the waistbands on her skirts were becoming tighter, so it was only a matter of time before they guessed anyway.

  Throughout the afternoon, Dylan constantly tried to start a conversation with her but she wouldn’t be drawn and wished that he would just go home. He had made it more than obvious that he still had feelings for her but Grace doubted he would feel the same when he learned the truth.

  ‘Fancy a little walk?’ he suggested late in the afternoon.

  Grace’s nerves were stretched to breaking point by then, so she politely refused saying she had a headache and went and locked herself in her room. Anything was better than having to sit there listening to Dylan rattling on.

  It took two more weeks before Cerys discovered her secret. Grace had risen early and rushed to the toilet at the end of the cinder path. Thankfully the morning sickness was much better now but she still suffered from it occasionally and it seemed that today was one of those days. Cerys heard her as she was collecting the chickens’ eggs and when Grace emerged she found Cerys waiting for her with a frown on her face.

  ‘Got something to tell me, have you, cariad?’ she asked. Grace was still clad in her thin cotton nightgown, which revealed the gentle swell of her stomach quite clearly. She shrugged helplessly, there was no point in trying to conceal it any longer. Cerys Llewelyn was no fool and she was bound to have guessed before very much longer anyway.

  ‘Good lord above!’ Cerys sagged against the wall of the toilet clutching the basket of eggs. ‘You’re going to have a baby, aren’t you? Is that why you left the convent? Or were you sent away in shame?’

  ‘I was sent away,’ Grace admitted miserably.

  ‘Well … this is a fine state of affairs! I bet our Dylan won’t be interested in you now!’ the woman snorted. ‘And you with barely a penny left to your name. What will you do now and does your aunt know?’

  ‘I haven’t decided what I’ll do yet, and yes she does.’

  Cerys softened then as she said, ‘Oh, cariad, how could you have been so stupid?’ But she was confused. She knew what a confined life the nuns led so how on earth had Grace managed to get pregnant? When Grace merely hung her head, Cerys sighed. ‘You’ll have to tell our Dylan. You know that, don’t you? He’s still carrying a torch for you, though I doubt he will when he knows about …’ Her voice trailed away as she stared pointedly at Grace’s stomach.

  ‘Don’t worry. I’ll tell him this weekend if he calls,’ she promised, then she walked away leaving Cerys staring after her.

  Dylan turned up on Sunday afternoon. He’d been as regular as clockwork since Grace had been back and he was heartened when Grace said, ‘Shall we take a stroll down to the beach?’

  He nodded eagerly, unaware of the look on his nan’s face as he and Grace stepped out into the sunshine. They had gone some way before Grace finally said, ‘Dylan … I have something to tell you.’

  His heart skipped a beat. Was she going to tell him that she still wasn’t interested? He knew that he wouldn’t be able to bear that. She was the first person he thought of on waking and the last person he thought of at night. To prevent her from speaking, he stopped suddenly, drawing her to a halt with him. Turning her to face him, he said quickly, ‘No, you listen to me first. This needs to be said.’ She was staring up at him from her wonderful green eyes as he stumbled on. ‘You must know that I still have feelings for you, Grace? They never went away, not even when you were up at the convent. Oh, I tried to forget you, admittedly. I went out with a lot of lasses for a time but none of them meant a thing. What I’m trying to say is … I love you and I want to marry you. Will you be my wife, Grace, and make me the happiest man on earth?’

  ‘Oh, Dylan!’ Seeing how earnest he was made tears spring to her eyes and she reached her hand out to stroke his cheek. ‘I’m flattered that you’ve asked, but I can’t marry you or anyone else for that matter.’

  ‘Why can’t you?’ There was an edge to his voice now as he stared back at her, and shame washed through her.

  ‘I can’t marry you because …’ She gulped. ‘Because I’m going to have a baby.’ There, it was said and she watched the different emotions flit across his face. Shock, horror, disbelief and finally … disgust!

  ‘No!’ He stepped away from her as if she was carrying some highly contagious disease. And then his face twisted in anger. ‘Whose bastard is it?’ he spat.

  Her hand automatically flew to her stomach to protect her unborn child. There was a wild look in Dylan’s eyes and she was afraid of what he might do.

  She shook her head and refused to answer, starting as he suddenly grabbed her arms and began to shake her until her teeth rattled.

  ‘Whose is it? I asked.’ His voice echoed along the empty path and some seagulls who had been relaxing ahead of them flew off flapping their wings and squawking.

  And then as suddenly as his temper had risen it seemed to desert him and he released her and pushed her roughly away from him.

  ‘Forget what I said.’ His voice was a growl that came from deep within him. ‘I wouldn’t marry you now if you were the last girl left on God’s earth. You’re nothing but a slut and a whore!’ With that he turned and strode away, his hands clenched into fists as she stood there shaking with grief, shame and fear. After a time, she forced herself to turn and retrace her steps, trying hard not to think of the future that stretched bleakly ahead of her.

  Chapter Thirty-Six

  ‘Our Dylan’s gone then, has he?’ Mrs Llewelyn asked as Grace walked back into the kitchen.

  ‘Yes, he’s gone,’ Grace answered miserably.

  Cerys glanced at her husband who had his head buried in the paper and sighed. Grace had obviously told Dylan about the baby if her glum expression was anything to go by and he’d probably reacted badly. But then, surely Grace had expected that? There weren’t many men who would be prepared to bring up another man’s child. The problem was, Dylan had set Grace on a pedestal and now she had well and truly tumbled off it, poor lass.

  ‘Happen he’ll come back when he’s had time to think on it,’ Cerys told her optimistically as she poured her a glass of freshly made lemonade. ‘But come and sit down and have this. There’s no use upsetting yourself, it’s not good for the baby.’

  Grace obediently took a seat but her mind was working overtime. Now more than ever she realised that she couldn’t stay here. If Dylan were to mention that she was having a baby her name would be mud in the village and she would never be able to hold her head up again. They would brand her baby a fly-blow and the poor little mite would grow up with the stigma of being illegitimate: shunned and scorned. Then there was her aunt. The people thereabouts already regarded her as eccentric but would they turn against her if they knew she was giving shelter to what they would regard as a fallen woman? No, Grace decided, she couldn’t allow that, it was time to move on. But where could she go?

  That evening when the Llewelyns had retired, she asked tentatively, ‘Aunt Gertie, how much of my allowance did you manage to save up before Mr Mackenzie stopped sending it?’

  Her aunt rose to fetch a tin from the end of the mantelshelf and tipped the contents onto the table.

  ‘There’s quite a few pounds there if you’d care to count it but it won’t go far if you’re still thinking of moving away. There’ll be rent to pay, coal and food to buy, not to mention the things you’ll need to get ready for the baby. Just think on before you do anything rash. I’ve told you I’m quite happy for you to stay here so stop worrying about what people will say, it will just roll off me like water off a duck’s back. I’ve never been
conventional and I’m too long in the tooth to change now.’

  Grace managed a smile as she counted the money in front of her. There was almost thirty pounds which seemed like a fortune, but Grace knew that her aunt was right. It wouldn’t go far. Even so she decided that over the next couple of weeks she would travel to villages some way off from Sarn Bach and make enquiries about properties to rent. Perhaps she could try Llanengan or Rhydolian slightly further along the coast? They weren’t too far away but far enough that no one would know her there. And she would have to do it soon before the baby really started to show.

  With her plans made, it was somewhat of a shock when Dylan turned up again three days later looking repentant.

  ‘Can we go somewhere where we can talk?’ He looked so sad that Grace didn’t have the heart to refuse him. She had been feeding the chickens who were clucking about her feet, but she nodded as she untied her apron and followed him in the direction of the sea, hoping that he wasn’t going to get angry with her again.

  Once they reached the clifftop, they stood gazing out to sea at the fishing boats bobbing on the waves until she said quietly, ‘I thought you’d be out there today with the weather being so nice.’

  ‘I should be,’ he answered shortly. ‘But I needed to see you so me dad went out without me. You see … the thing is, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and I want to apologise for how I reacted when you told me about the baby.’

  ‘You don’t need to,’ she told him dully. ‘I suppose I deserved all I got.’

  ‘Is there any chance at all that the father of this baby will stand by you?’ he asked and she shook her head, staring straight ahead as colour burned into her cheeks, but her heart was crying ‘if only!’

  ‘Right, in that case my offer still stands.’

  Grace’s head snapped towards him and she stared at him in shock.

  ‘The thing is, if we get married straightaway, no one will know that the baby isn’t mine and I’ll bring it up as my own.’ He grasped her hands. ‘I will, Grace, honestly. You and the baby will want for nothing and I’ll do my very best to make you happy, truly I will. I love you, you see? That’s why I’m offering again. I can’t bear to be without you.’

  ‘But, Dylan … I don’t love you, not in that way,’ she said as tears spilled onto her cheeks. ‘It wouldn’t be fair to you.’

  ‘Huh! Don’t get worrying about that. Love will come in time and until then I’m prepared to wait for as long as it takes, for … you know? The only thing I will ask is that we let people believe that the baby is mine, at least then I won’t have fingers pointing at me.’

  Grace blushed and lowered her eyes. It was a tempting offer, she had to admit. At least this way the baby would have a name and a father. ‘B-but where would we live?’ she faltered. ‘And how would your parents feel about you marrying someone from another faith? I know they are strict chapel.’

  ‘Ah well, happen you would have to convert to chapel,’ he admitted. ‘And for a while we’d have to live with my parents … just until I could find us somewhere of our own. Me tad has just bought another fishing boat and I could use that to earn our own living and pay him back as we could afford it. So, what do you say? You must see it makes sense?’

  Still Grace hesitated so he said then, ‘How about I leave you to think on it tonight and I come back for your answer tomorrow? If it’s yes, we can go and see the pastor straightaway and set the ball rolling. We could be man and wife in two weeks’ time if we get the banns read this coming weekend.’

  ‘All right, I’ll sleep on it,’ she promised and without another word he nodded, rammed his cap on his head and walked away. She walked back to the cottage in a daze. Mrs Llewelyn saw her coming and Grace instantly blurted out what had happened and told her of her grandson’s change of heart.

  ‘Hmm, well it would solve a lot of problems and our Dylan is a good lad. You could certainly do a lot worse,’ the woman pointed out. ‘It would be nice for your aunt too, if you were to stay close by. Gertie isn’t the best at showing her feelings but I know she’s been fretting about you and this way she would still get to see you.’

  Grace nodded and slunk away to spend some time by herself. She knew that it would solve all her problems and yet her heart still yearned for Father Luke. She also knew that she would probably never see him again, so should she think of the baby’s well-being? Dylan was solid and reliable and she did like him. Not in the way he liked her, admittedly, but as he had said, love might grow in time.

  She spoke to her aunt about it later that evening and Gertie said much the same as Mrs Llewelyn had.

  ‘But that’s not to say that you have to do anything you don’t want to,’ she ended stoically. ‘Only you can make this decision, Grace. This is the rest of your life so you have to be sure.’

  That night she tossed and turned as she struggled to reach a decision. Eventually she got up and stared out of the window at the view, which was washed in moonlight.

  ‘Oh, Myfanwy what should I do?’ she whispered. A large owl suddenly glided out of the trees to swoop on some poor unsuspecting rodent in the grass. The time was ticking away and in just a few short hours Dylan would be back for the decision which could change the course of her life for ever. The trouble was she was no nearer to making it!

  There were dark smudges under her eyes when she rose the next morning and yet Gertie noticed that she seemed incredibly calm. Dylan arrived mid-morning and the two of them instantly set off for the cliff face again.

  ‘Well?’ he asked eagerly when they were out of earshot of the cottage. ‘Have you decided?’ He was turning his cap in circles between his two hands.

  ‘Yes, I have. And, yes, I will marry you, Dylan, and thank you for asking.’

  He let out a whoop of joy and threw his cap into the air as he caught her to him but when he tried to kiss her lips she turned her face away.

  ‘It’s all right, I’ll not force you to do anything you don’t want to do. It’ll be in your time. But come on now, there’s not a moment to waste, we’ll be away to see the pastor and set the wheels in motion. We’d best call in and tell me mam an’ all. Me tad is out fishing so he’ll have to wait for the news till this evening.’

  Grace allowed him to grasp her hand and tow her along, but inside her heart was breaking, for she knew that once Dylan had put a ring on her finger her chances of ever being with the man she truly loved would be gone for ever. But then she was forced to acknowledge that Luke had chosen God over herself. They had committed a sin and now it would be her that paid for it for the rest of her life.

  She was breathless by the time they approached Dylan’s parents’ cottage and apprehensive about facing his mother. The last time she’d visited, she’d made it more than obvious that she no longer had any time for her so Grace could only imagine how she would react to the news that she was about to marry her son.

  Bronwen was gutting fish for their evening meal when Dylan burst into the cottage dragging Grace behind him, and the smile on her face died as her eyes settled on Grace.

  She nodded before saying shortly. ‘I heard your dad passed away – my condolences.’

  ‘Mam, we have something to tell you,’ Dylan said proudly, clasping Grace’s hand and smiling from ear to ear. ‘Me and Grace, we’re getting wed.’

  ‘You’re what!’ The colour drained from the woman’s face as she stared at her son in disbelief. She had suspected for some long time that he had a soft spot for the girl and she had heaved a sigh of relief when she heard that Grace had entered the convent. The likes of her wasn’t for them; Grace was a toff, well spoken and soft. Dylan needed a village lass, but now here he was telling her that they were going to get wed! Had he taken leave of his senses?

  ‘But … but you can’t!’ she said weakly as her fingers plucked at the large pinafore she was wearing.

  Dylan chuckled and drew Grace further into the room, and as the light from the tiny leaded window shone on the girl, Bronwen saw the slight swell o
f her stomach and gasped. ‘Dear God … you’re with child!’

  Dylan’s face was grim now as he nodded. ‘Aye, she is, Mam. That’s why we need to get wed.’

  ‘And where were you planning on living?’ Two spots of colour glowed on the woman’s cheeks as she faced her son.

  ‘Why here of course … just till I can find us somewhere of us own!’

  Bronwen’s shoulders sagged as she saw that he meant every word he was saying, and Dylan snapped, ‘And I don’t know why you’re taking on so. Wasn’t I born six months after you and me tad were wed?’

  Bronwen turned away abruptly as Dylan snatched Grace’s hand and hurried her outside.

  Grace was feeling humiliated and ashamed but Dylan smiled reassuringly. ‘Take no notice of me mam. It’s just come as a bit of a shock to her. She’ll come round, you’ll see.’

  Grace doubted that, if the way his mother had glared at her was anything to go by, but she followed him meekly without a word. She had made her decision for the sake of her unborn child and now she must stand by it.

  Grace and Dylan were wed in the tiny Methodist chapel in Pwllheli on the first Saturday morning in June. It was a very quiet affair, as Grace had insisted upon, with only a handful of people attending, but Dylan didn’t stop smiling throughout the ceremony. Grace wore a pale blue dress and cream shoes. She’d had to let the waist of the dress out slightly to accommodate her fast-growing bump, but as she walked down the aisle on Aled Llewelyn’s arm everybody, apart from Dylan’s mother, remarked on how beautiful she looked. Cerys had surprised her just before they left the cottage with a bouquet of lily of the valley and her kindness was almost Grace’s undoing.

  ‘Who ever heard of a bride without a bouquet?’ Cerys said as she fussed over Grace’s hair and the girl had to swallow the tears that threatened.

  Her life was about to change yet again and she wasn’t looking forward to moving in with Dylan’s mother at all. Still, she consoled herself, Dylan had promised that it wouldn’t be for long so she clung to that.