The Complete If I Break Series

by Portia Moore

  “I think you want what’s best for yourself,” I state plainly and he laughs, as if I’m joking.

  “Cal coming back, existing, resurfacing whatever you want to call it, will destroy our family.” I’ve heard all of this before. Mr. Scott considers Cal the anti-Christ.

  “That might not matter to you, but eventually, he will destroy your family,” he says, stepping towards me. I keep my eyes on his. I want him to know his little speech only serves to piss me off. His words don’t affect me, scare me, or intimidate me.

  “You do understand that in order for Chris to be well, he and Cal have to integrate. There is a reason he exists and he’s not going away!” I say boldly, even though I’m not entirely sure myself.

  Mr. Scott scoffs. “Cal won’t integrate, he wants to take over! I’d have thought you would have figured that out. That’s the real problem. He’s Christopher’s rage, his impulsiveness, his bitterness and anger,” he states with derision.

  I shake my head furiously “That’s not all Cal is!” I spit back.

  “Oh, little girl, wake up! The goodness that you saw in Cal was Christopher. I thought you would have recognized that by now. If Cal comes back, it will be to take over, and the kindness and self-control he managed to exhibit, everything that was Chris will be gone! He’s going to be like a tornado, destroying everyone and everything in his path. He can’t help it, that’s his reason for existing,” he continues bitterly, and I start to think that Mr. Anti-psychology has spoken with Chris’ doctor more than Chris has.

  “How do you know what his reason for existing is? Why do you hate him so much?” The suspicion and bitterness in my tone is patently obvious. There has to be more to it than what he’s revealing. Why would he think Cal would destroy his family? I know Cal stepped aside for Chris to come back when his mom was sick.

  “Or maybe the better question is, why does Cal hate you?” I ask, and for a moment, he looks taken aback.

  “Things are never black and white. Cal only sees in black and white. He doesn’t understand any grey areas,” he responds, and I look at him confused. I didn’t expect that type of answer from him

  “What is that supposed to mean?”

  “If Cal’s not back and Chris is starting to have these outbursts,” he starts.

  “What do you mean, ‘outbursts’?” I interrupt him.

  “Where he starts saying things that are completely out of character,” he says, talking over me.

  “Just because he said something that might have pissed Jenna off doesn’t mean it’s Cal,” I say, laughing at how ridiculous that hypothesis sounds.

  “If he’s still Chris. I think it would be best for you to go stay at the Ritter Inn. I’ll pay for it,” he says, his tone a little less sharp but his words still cut. I shake my head.

  “No,” I say as coldly as I can. He groans and folds his arms as if he’s thinking for a minute. He must not be able to come up with anything to say because he begins to walk away. He stops and turns back toward me.

  “You’re not good for him, Lauren,” he says, his tone low, almost a growl before he starts to walk away again. I’m so angry. I want to hit something.

  “Good for who?” I ask him sarcastically. The only person it seems I’m not good for is him and the delusion he wants his family to live in. He turns around again and gives me a stare that sends a chill down my spine.

  “Either of them,” he declares before stomping angrily to his truck. He drives away, leaving me standing outside alone. I walk back to the house, replaying everything he said. Something isn’t right. I’m starting to think there’s another reason he doesn’t want Cal back. If he knows as much about this condition as I believe he does, based on this conversation, he has to know integration is the goal. Why doesn’t he want that? I try to shake my adrenaline, anger and confusion before going back in the house. We were far enough away that no one would know that we were yelling at each other. He didn’t bring Mrs. Scott out and I don’t know what his reasoning is, but I don’t want to worry her. She’s such a sweet woman. If she knew what just happened I know it would upset her. Regardless of what her husband seems to think, he won’t intimidate me or push me away.

  I’m not going anywhere.

  Chapter 41

  Chris

  I haven’t slept this well in weeks. For the first time in a long time I’m not up before my alarm. When it starts to ring I slam the snooze button. I know I was up late last night. After cooking with Lauren I went to Jenna’s and... I really don’t remember what happened after that. I should feel nervous or worried about it, but I don’t. I know I didn’t black out because I remember kissing her, driving home and going to bed. I sit up in my bed and think, I remember going to her house. We were on the verge of making out and we started arguing about something, but I’m not sure what. Everything else is almost a blur. I don’t know how the argument ended [we must have made up, because I feel good. No, I feel great. Not tired or stressed. Just good.

  I reach for my phone, pull up Jenna’s name and text her.

  Good morning, beautiful.

  I grab my clothes, head to the bathroom, and jump in the shower. I only have one class today. The good thing about subbing is, whether you have one class or four, you still get paid the same daily rate. After I change clothes, I head down to the kitchen. I can already smell ham and eggs. When I walk in, I see Lauren and my mom at the table and Caylen in her high chair.

  “Good morning, destructor,” I say, planting a kiss on Caylen’s forehead. It’s the nickname I’ve given her because she wrecks everything around the house. But she’s cute enough to get away with it. My mom sets a pitcher of orange juice on the table. I grab her and give her a hug and kiss.

  “Someone is in a good mood,” she says happily.

  “What’s up, Lauren? Did you help mom with breakfast this morning?” I say playfully before sitting in the chair across from her. I smile at her, looking at those big hazel eyes. I grab a plate and start to load it up with eggs. I’m starving.

  Lauren is still looking at me and not the way she usually does when other people are around. No quick glances or shy smiles. Today it’s like she’s examining me. It makes me shift in my seat because it’s kind of awkward and she hasn’t answered my question. Do I still have shampoo in my hair or something? Nah, my mom would have said something. Maybe I look exceptionally good today since I feel exceptionally good.

  “Lauren told me you were a great teacher,” my mom teases me as she joins us at the table. She bows her head. Lauren finally stops looking at me and does the same while my mom says her standard prayer. When she’s done, Lauren starts examining me again. Two can play that game so I start to look at her directly in the eyes. I expect her to look away but she doesn’t. If she wants to keep those beautiful eyes on me, she’s more than welcome to. My mom is talking about something but I don’t really listen. Lauren isn’t listening either. I think we’re having a staring contest.

  “Is anyone listening?” My mom chuckles. I guess she’s noticed what’s going on. I laugh, but Lauren doesn’t. Her eyes narrow in on mine again before she turns to my mom and smiles. Is she mad at me or something?

  “I said I was taking Caylen to the library for story time today,” my mom says.

  “Oh, cool. I remember story time,” I say between mouthfuls of eggs.

  “I do too. I know she’s a little young but I thought it’d be nice for the two of us to do something together,” my mom says cheerfully. I swear she’s fallen in love with Caylen.

  “That’s cool, Mom,” I say, and she smiles proudly.

  “So what are you doing today, Lauren?” I ask her, hoping whatever mood she’s in is going to change. I haven’t seen her like this since we met.

  “I’m not sure,” she says hesitantly.

  “Did you want to do something later on?” I ask, and her eyes widen in surprise. “Not like a date or anything. Just hang out,” I say with a chuckle.

  “I think it’d be great for you to get
out of the house, Lauren, and get to see some of Madison,” my mom says animatedly.

  I love my mom.

  “Uh, I. Yeah,” she finally manages to get out. I laugh. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think she was nervous. Nothing like she was yesterday.

  I like that I make her nervous.

  “Cool. Lisa’s working at Ardeby’s tonight. I’ll call Aidan, even drag Jenna out of her studying cave,” I say, downing my glass of orange juice.

  “Are you going to play?” she asks, her gaze back on me. That catches me off guard. I shrug. Who knows?

  “Maybe I’ll surprise you.” I wink and her voice catches. Maybe the wink was too much. Kind of flirty. Crossing the friend line. I’ve never been much of a winker anyway. I’m not even sure why I just did it.

  “Lauren, are you okay?” my mom asks her. I notice her face is kind of devoid of color.

  “Yeah, you kind of look pale,” I say, a little worried, and my phone alert goes off. It’s a text message from Jenna.

  Are you fucking serious?

  I start to text her back, asking what she means or what her problem is, but I don’t. I’m not letting anyone ruin my mood today. I’ll swing by her house after work and see what’s wrong with her. Maybe our fight didn’t end as well as I thought it did.

  “I’m going to head out, ladies,” I tell them, standing up from the table. For some reason, Lauren stands up with me. I glance at my mom, who glances between us. Then my dad walks in. He gives me the same strange look that Lauren has been giving me all morning.

  “Why are you guys looking at me like that?” I ask, unable to ignore their cryptic stares.

  “Like what?” My dad asks hesitantly.

  “Like I’m a science project.” Now I’m irritated.

  “No one’s looking like that, son,” my mom interjects.

  “You aren’t, but dad and Lauren are,” I say, glancing over at her.

  “Do you see something you want to share, Lauren?” my dad asks her, and I wonder, since when did Lauren and my dad start talking?

  “What’s going on?” I ask, exasperated.

  “It’s nothing. I thought it was, but it’s nothing. I’m sorry, Chris,” Lauren says as she gets up from the table, but not before she shoots my dad an angry glare. He sighs before sitting at the table. I look over at my mom, who seems as clueless as I am.

  “Twilight Zone,” I mutter to myself before leaving the house. When I get outside, I look around and something’s missing.

  Where’s my truck?

  They were so weird today. Lauren and my dad. And my truck. It was parked down the road instead of behind the house. I remember parking it where I always do. I woke up in a really good mood and that sucked it right out of me, too eerily familiar.

  “To be honest, I don’t even feel like going out any more,” I say to Aidan who’s sitting on my bed tossing an old football up and down.

  “Well suck it up because we’re going out. I’ve got on my good shirt and I’m ready to get drunk. We’re doing this. Tonight!”

  I can’t back out. Lauren’s getting dressed downstairs. I haven’t spoken to her since breakfast, except through text. I still haven’t talked to Jenna but I know she’s in studying and she’s going to be pissed. I still don’t know what her text was about this morning, I’m sure I’ll get an earful about it when I do speak to her.

  “Your mood sucks, dude. What happened to the Chris from this morning? You were pumped. Now you’re like a chick that just got dumped,” he says irritated.

  “Okay, bad news,” Lisa says, barging into my room.

  “What are you? Snookie?” Aidan says, snickering at how high her hair is piled up on her head.

  “You can screw yourself,” she says wryly, turning her attention to me.

  “I got suspended from Ardeby’s.” She sighs.

  “What?” I ask her, not in disbelief but in irritation. This isn’t the first time it’s happened.

  “So we can’t go tonight,” she says with a shrug.

  “Ugh fuck that. You can’t go, but we’re still going!” Aidan bellows.

  “I didn’t even feel like going anyway,” I admit.

  “Just because we can’t go there doesn’t mean we can’t go somewhere else,” she adds cheerfully.

  “No, we’re not going anywhere else. We’re going to Ardeby’s,” Aidan interjects.

  “You know we haven’t been to the rink in ages. It’d be super fun!” she says enthusiastically, ignoring Aidan.

  “They only have stale beer at the rink.” Aidan groans.

  “I’m going to need you to attend Alcoholics Anonymous,” Lisa spits at Aidan.

  “Maybe we should just postpone this. I haven’t even talked to Jenna today.” I sigh.

  “Chris, get the mopey stick out of your butt. This was all your idea. You can stay here if you want but Lauren, Mr. Need a Drink here, and I are going out,” Lisa says, folding her arms.

  “Yeah, man, we haven’t even celebrated since I got…”Aidan sentence trails off and there’s a little knock. It’s Lauren, standing in the doorway. She's wearing a black off-the-shoulder sweater. Her hair isn’t straight like it usually is. Instead, it's falling down in long waves. I thought she was beautiful the moment I saw her, but this is the first time I thought she was sexy.

  “Hey,” she says, pushing her hair behind her ear.

  “You look hot!” Lisa says excitedly.

  “I think you should stay if you’re tired, Chris,” Aidan says enthusiastically. “I can handle the ladies tonight,” hey says, getting up off my bed. Lauren’s smile drops.

  “You’re not going?” She sounds disappointed.

  “No, I’m going,” I say quickly.

  “I’m sure you are now,” Aidan mutters, and I nudge him.

  “It’s just there’s been a change of plans. We’re going to go skating.” Lisa’s excited but Lauren looks pretty skeptical.

  “Oh. I’ll go change then,” she says, wrapping her arms around herself like she suddenly feels uncomfortable.

  “NO, no you’re fine. I’m not changing” Lisa says, who’s sort of dressed up herself.

  “Besides if were’ going to pick up Jenna we need to be heading out now. The rink isn’t going to be open as late as the bar,” Lisa says glancing at her watch.

  “Who’s driving?” Lisa asks.

  “I vote Lauren. I haven’t been in the Audi!” Aidan says quickly.

  “We’re not all going to fit in an Audi,” I remind him.

  “Well, I could ride with Lauren and you guys can go pick up Jenna and meet us there,” Lisa says simply.

  “I’m not riding with them,” Aidan interjects, and I frown at him.

  “Fine. Ride with us then.” Lisa rolls her eyes.

  “We can all just take my truck,” I suggest, but Lauren doesn’t look all that excited about my suggestion either.

  “No, it’s okay. I can drive and you can go get Jenna. It’ll probably work out better that way,” she says quietly.

  “Great it’s settled. Let’s go,” Lisa links arms with Lauren, pulling her out of the room. Aidan quickly follows them with a wide smile.

  Of course Lauren isn’t going to want to ride with Jenna.

  I grab my keys and wallet and text Jenna that I’m on my way to her house. I want this night to be fun, even if it has the potential to be a disaster. What the hell was I thinking this morning?

  I’ve rung the bell almost five times before Jenna comes to the window and peeps at me from behind the curtain. I can already see she’s scowling.

  Oh this is going to be great.

  A second later, she jerks the door open. She’s standing there, arms folded.

  “What’s wrong?” I sigh.

  “Are you serious? You can’t be serious right now?” she says condescendingly. I tilt my head back and take a deep breath.

  “Can I come in?” I gesture towards the door.

  “So you can insult me and be a complete fucking asshole like yester
day? Who are you, Chris?” she spouts quickly.

  “What? What are you talking about?” I am completely confused.

  “Oh, let me guess. You don’t remember,” she says sarcastically.

  “No, I remember… I remember being here yesterday. Things were going well and then we argued about something. Then I left. I remember us kissing, everything was fine right?” I ask hopefully. Apparently, things weren’t fine.

  She begins to laugh. “No. No, things weren’t fine. Things aren’t fine at all, Chris. You were mean and extremely disrespectful. I didn’t even think you were yourself at all. You need help, Chris, and you need it fast,” she says sharply, going back in the house and attempting to shut the door. I stick my foot in the doorway to stop her.

  “Back up. What’s going on? What happened?” I ask, and she rolls her eyes.

  “Your dad hasn’t talked to you today?” she asks, and I shake my head. “Of course not. Your parents are enablers, complete and utter enablers,” she says to herself.

  “What are you talking about?”

  “I think I met Cal yesterday,” she says pointedly.

  “What?!” I ask in disbelief. “That’s not possible.” He’s gone.

  “It’s very possible! I saw you change right in front of my eyes,” she says adamantly.

  “No. I remember being here, talking to you. We were on the couch and we argued about something,” I say, trying to connect my thoughts.

  “Well, either he told me that he wasn’t moving in and basically to go fuck myself or you did. You tell me. Who was it?” she asks angrily and my mouth falls open. There’s no way I would tell Jenna to go fuck herself. I’ve never told anyone to go fuck themselves.

  “Wait. Move in together?” I realize what she just said. “Where’d that come from?” I ask.

  “We are not having that conversation again,” she says, going in the house. I follow her in. I sit down on the couch and rest my head in my hands.

  “I felt different this morning. I felt off, but good. I’ve never felt like that before,” I say aloud, but I don’t even know if Jenna is listening.