The Complete If I Break Series

by Portia Moore

  “William, you don’t know that,” my mom says defensively.

  “I do know it. We all do. That’s why it’s best for her to leave once she gets Caylen,”

  “What!” my mom snaps.

  “Look what’s happened. He goes away with her alone for a few hours and Cal takes over. I told you she was the trigger.”

  “We don’t need to talk about this over the phone,” my mom says.

  “Mom’s right. I’ll see you guys soon, okay,” I say, hanging up.

  I take a deep breath and see that I have several missed calls and voice mails. Aidan’s called me almost more times than my mom. That’s really not like him. I dial his number and after a couple of rings he picks up.

  “Where the hell have you been?” he asks angrily.

  “Look. I have a lot going on right now so if this isn’t important,” I cut him off.

  “No it’s real important man,” he says, his voice completely somber, which is unlike him and I feel my heart beat speed up. What else can go wrong?

  “What is it?” I ask reluctantly.

  “It’s not something I think we should talk about over the phone dude,” he says, his voice hushed.

  “Just tell me Aidan, I have too much crap on my mind to wonder what’s next,” I tell him frantically. There’s a long pause which seems like a thousand years.

  “Just say it!”

  “Look man, Lisa came over here yesterday crying she’s a fucking mess,”

  “What are you doing?! What the hell are you doing, Aidan!” I hear yelling in the background. It’s Lisa. The phone becomes muffled.

  “Hey! Hey guys what the hell is going on?” I yell loud enough I hope that they can hear me. After a few seconds I hang up the phone in frustration. I hear footsteps and see Lauren enter the room.

  “Is everything okay?” she asks looking like the time in the bathroom did her well. Maybe I need to spend a few minutes in there.

  “Lisa and Aidan are idiots that are trying to drive me crazy,” I say, trying to laugh off how worried I am. The expression on Lauren's face doesn’t make me feel less worried.

  “Oh Chris,” she lets out a deep sigh that worries me even more.

  “Lisa called you while…while Cal was here and he blew up on her,” she says carefully.

  “Oh no,” I say aloud.

  “What the hell is he a jerk to Lisa for? What did she ever do to him?” I ask angrily and my phone rings. It’s Aidan again.

  “Hey Chris.” It’s Lisa’s voice.

  “Lisa. I’m so sorry. That w-wasn’t me. Whatever he said to you, ignore it...”

  “Chris. It’s okay. I know,” she says, reassuring me.

  “It’s not okay and I’m sorry,” I apologize again.

  “Are you okay?” she asks.

  “Yeah, I’m fine. Why were you and Aidan fighting?”

  “You know me and Aidan. We’re always fighting,” she laughs, but it’s dry and seems forced.

  “What’s wrong Lisa? Is this about what Cal said to you?” I glance over at Lauren who looks down uncomfortably. It must have been pretty bad to upset Lisa.

  “He didn’t upset me Chris. I’ve been called worse. It’s a little strange when it sounds as if it’s coming from you, but it was nothing,” she says dryly.

  “So everything is okay?” I ask unsurely.

  “Yeah. Aidan just saw how upset I was and wanted us to talk about it,” she says, sounding nervous.

  “If you weren’t upset over what Cal said to you, what was it?” I ask, sitting down on the couch and preparing for the worst because the way things are going now it has to be bad.

  “It can wait. It’s not a huge deal with all you have going on now. Just when you get back, let me know so we can talk, that’s all.” Her voice is calming, that's how she talks to the kids she works with and that is setting off all kind of alarms.

  “Are you sure?” I ask her again.

  “Positive. It’s nothing that can’t wait,” she says. I let out a deep sigh and glance over at Lauren who’s sitting quietly, listening. If it can wait I’ll let it wait. I have enough on my plate anyway.

  “Okay. We’re heading back now I think. I’ll come over tomorrow morning if that’s cool,” I say with a shrug.

  “Awesome,” she says quietly.

  “Cool. Does Aidan need to say something to me?”

  “No Aidan’s cool. Right Aidan?” she says tightly.

  “Yup. I’m all good,” he responds dryly.

  Whatever.

  “Okay. Later then,” I say before hanging up the phone.

  “Is everything okay?” Lauren says quietly and I run my hands over my face.

  “They say it is, so if they say it’s okay, I’m going to let things be okay,” I say exasperated. She nods slowly, and looks down at her lap.

  “Is there something you want to tell me?” I ask her. She looks up at me and lets out a breath.

  “Lisa knew about Cal when you guys were younger,” she says in one breath. I feel my eyebrows shoot up. I definitely didn’t expect her to say anything about that. I was thinking more along the lines of what happened with her and Cal.

  “No. Lisa would have said something,” I tell her and she starts to squeeze her wrist.

  “Did Cal tell you that?”

  “No. Lisa did,” her voice barely above a whisper.

  “When was this?” I try not to sound annoyed, but I’m not very successful.

  “It was about two weeks ago. She asked me to not say anything. I didn’t think it was that big of a deal until Cal blew up at her.” I shake my head.

  “Did she say anything else?” I ask, nervousness in the pit of my stomach.

  “No, but she asked me not to tell you for some reason. I didn’t want to break her trust but with everything that’s happened I just don’t want to keep secrets anymore, no matter how small,” she says, her big hazel eyes, sparkle with tears.

  “I don’t want there to be any secrets between us either,” I tell her and a half smile spreads across her face and she takes a deep breath, sitting all the way up and facing me.

  “Well, in that case, I think you should know that we slept together. Both you and I and me and Cal.”

  Her statement is like a knockout punch. Her eyes stay on mine and don’t drift away. Me and her slept together? Then she slept with Cal? So many emotions are hitting me at once I don’t know what to respond to first. She’s looking at me for a response and I know there shouldn’t be any secrets between us but I really wish she could have waited before sharing one of these pieces of information with me. I open my mouth to say something and no words come out.

  I slept with her? I’m angry because first, if we did have sex, it’s beyond cruel that I can’t even remember. Then, if we did, how could she turn around and sleep with Cal. I’ve only been out of it for two days.

  “Please say something,” her voice is light, vulnerable and soothing and I don’t want to be soothed by her after hearing what she just said. I try to think of what to say to not screw this up and to make the gap that’s formed between us any wider but nothing is coming to me.

  “I-I don’t know what to say Lauren…”

  “Whatever you want to say. Just be honest please,” she says, her tone pleading. I feel anger starting to course through me. Bitterness creeping up and a jealousy I’ve never felt before. If I don’t say something now I’m afraid of what will to happen. I can’t say what I want to say, what I want to say will hurt her. But how could she sleep with him? After everything, how he lied to her, how he left her and Caylen, I wasn’t even gone a day, and she sleeps with him?

  “I don’t remember, maybe Cal tricked you,” I say standing up from the sofa, trying my best not to be bitter.

  “Well, the first time at least,” I say with a shrug. Her cheeks flush bright red and she looks away from me. I’ve embarrassed her. I’m embarrassed for the both of us. I can’t believe what I just said to her, I can’t believe this has even happened, that I h
ave to say anything and…worst of all, how bad it hurts hearing what she just said.

  “I’m going to get some air. I think we need to get back to Caylen,” I say, heading out the door.

  Chapter 8

  Lauren

  Honesty should be what works, no more secrets or lies. I thought that it would be better to just say it. To get the truth out in the open before another second passed. I didn’t know how he’d take it. Whatever he’d say or do, I knew it wouldn’t be as bad as facing off with Cal. That’s what I thought. Turns out this is worse, so much worse. For a brief moment I thought things would be okay between Chris and me. That he’d tell me everything was going to be okay and we’d move past it. That he’d say it wasn’t my fault and that he was sorry all of this was happening. That he’d maybe tell me how his biggest regret was not remembering. Instead, as soon as the words slipped out, a shell came over him. I saw it as it happened. He hardened toward me, a glint in his eye that for once wasn’t indifferent or confused.

  He was angry, he was bitter and for that moment he couldn’t hide it. He tried to hide it which makes all of it worse but it was too much for him to even do that. What he said to me made me feel worse than when Cal screamed at me when he found out I slept with Chris. Well, at this point who knows if I slept with Chris, since he doesn’t even remember.

  It’s entirely possible Cal tricked me, slipped in and went for the easy lay. Where he didn’t have to answer any questions or put up a fight. We’ve been driving for an hour and the tension in the car is suffocating, and unable to be ignored. I want to say something but no words come, I don’t know what to say. How do I combat what he said, which was absolutely true. This one man, these two men that I love more than any other person besides my daughter. Both cut me deeper than anyone else has been able to, they just use two different knives.

  I feel exhausted, my body is rested and energetic but my mind feels like it’s going to either shut down or overload. Chris hasn’t said one thing to me since I’ve gotten in the car. The hardened shell is still on him and his warm green eyes stare straight ahead as we slip out of the little town that Cal dropped me into. I wonder what he’s thinking, if he hates me. It’s hard to think of Chris hating anyone but the way he’s acting I know he doesn’t like me right about now. The only thing that gives me some solace is that if he didn’t care about me he wouldn’t be this upset. But what good does that do now? My phone rings and I pull it out of my bag.

  “Oh no,” I say aloud.

  “What’s wrong?” his tone is dryer than a desert and his eyes don’t even glance at me.

  “It’s Helen. I completely forgot about our meeting,” I sigh.

  “If there’s a good time to talk to her this would probably be as good a time as any,” he mutters.

  “Helen. Hi I’m so sorry. There is just so much that has happened over the past two days,” I say, trying to stress my sincerity.

  “I figured that. Cal called Dexter yesterday,” she reveals.

  “He did?” I say, trying to not sound completely surprised.

  “From the way you’re speaking I take it that Cal is now Chris,” she infers.

  “We really would love to see you. I-I would. I really could use your help in all of this,” I say quietly, wishing I had more privacy than a few inches. It’s funny how in just a few days I went from despising Helen and wanting to kick her ass to wanting to talk to her more than anyone. She’s the one person who could help me through this. Because this is not anywhere as easy as I thought it would be.

  “Okay. How about I meet you in Michigan tomorrow evening,” she asks and I let out a sigh of relief.

  “That would be so amazing.”

  “Great. I will call you tomorrow to let you know what time I’ll be arriving.”

  “Sounds good. Thank you. Thank you so much Helen,” I tell her before hanging up the phone.

  “Do you think we can trust her now?” He asks and I look over at him as he briefly glances at me.

  “I-I just need someone to talk to. Who understands, who can help me understand,” I tell him honestly, fiddling with the phone in my lap.

  “I thought that you had a handle on all of this. That you understood,” he says quietly and I can’t help but let out a dry chuckle.

  “I thought I did, Chris. Even after finding out about you, and Cal not being here, and trying to accept that was doable. But this, it’s a completely different thing. You don’t understand what it’s like for you to be here one day and he’s here the next. In theory I always knew it could happen, but I never really prepared myself for it.”

  “You hoped for it though. Right?” he asks, with not even a bit of sarcasm under his tone. I take a deep breath and try to think of what to say that won’t hurt him, that won’t make things worse. But I only have the truth and I can only be as delicate about it as I can.

  “I’m still in love with Cal, Chris. I can’t lie to you about that,” I say quickly and his expression doesn’t break except for a small twitch in his jaw.

  “But, I love you too, I’ve fallen for you and it’s hard for me to understand why it seems like loving both of you, who I know as the same man, seems like such a betrayal,” I say.

  “I never said that I felt betrayed, Lauren. We’ve been friends, I’ve started to care about you a lot but I always knew,” he trails off and the silence is deafening

  “You always knew what?”

  “If it came down to it. Who you’d choose,” he says quietly. I feel a burning sensation in my throat.

  “For you to both hate each other. You have a lot in common. This choice you both bring up. As if it hinges on me…It doesn’t you know? It doesn’t matter if I picked one of you, what would stop the other from popping up whenever you felt like it?” I say, laughing at the ridiculousness of it all.

  “I don’t have a choice in this. Why don’t you both get that? I love you. That’s it, so I’m stuck in this for the long haul, whoever chooses to show up whichever day,” I say angrily. I’m so tired of this. I feel like a fucking volley ball being bounced across a net. I look over at Chris, seething in his quietness. I’m tired of feeling sad and guilty and confused. Maybe I should just stay angry. Angry is better than feeling lost, depressed, and hopeless.

  “Would you like to know what Cal told me? Why we were in that house, in that town?” I ask him and he shakes his head.

  Really? I’d think he’d want to know that it would be important but I guess not. But what the hell do I know? I don’t even know who the hell I’ve been sleeping with.

  Chris

  Of course she’s still in love with him. I knew she still loved him, it’s not like I thought otherwise, but to hear her say it. Even after telling me she slept with him, to hear that she loves him. That hurt, more than I expected it to. But, she did say that she loved me.

  She’s not afraid to say it, or beat around the bush about it…but how can she love him and love me? We’re so different, and he’s an asshole. I can’t believe I don’t remember what happened between us. I said that I think Cal tricked her, pretended to be me but I was being the asshole then. It doesn’t seem like his style, and when I was at the hotel with her it was getting harder and harder to be around her and not tell her the truth about how I felt. To not want to touch her and have her in my arms. It’s hard now, even with all that’s going on. When she’s mad her skin flushes, her eyes gaze in on you, her voice deepens, and to be completely honest, it’s absolutely sexy.

  How can I not remember anything about being with her? It could have been him but I want it to have been me, not him. Either way, he still had her after me, right after me apparently. I feel like an idiot but I can’t help but wonder if she liked being with him more than me. He’s been with her more and longer. This is stupid! I shouldn’t be thinking about any of this but I can’t stop. I have to stop.

  There are too many other things for me to be worried about more than who she preferred having sex with. She’d probably slap me if I asked her. Then
the thing she said about us both wanting her to choose. I’m sure he does, he’s probably sure she’d choose him if it came down to it, but she’s right. It doesn’t matter what she wants, if she did choose me he just wouldn’t decide to go away and never return. If she chose him…well I wouldn’t even know how to. She’s fallen asleep on the last leg of the ride. To be honest I’m glad, it’s hard to pretend to be mad at her, because it’s all pretend. How can I be mad at a woman who has decided to put up with someone like me, who when she looks at me, lets me know I’ve never known true love before her?

  I pull up in front of the house. I don’t want to disturb her. It seems like she hasn’t gotten a lot of sleep in all of this, how could she? She starts to stir and I see her wake. She glances out the window and sees that we’re back at my parents’ house.

  “Great!” she mutters.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “Your fiancé is over there,” she says, gesturing towards the house. My heart immediately starts to beat out of my chest when I see Jenna sitting on my porch.

  “I know you didn’t want to talk about what happened when Cal came back but it might help you to know that Cal told her that we slept together,” she says quietly. Before I can respond, Jenna’s come down from the porch and is in front of the steps of the house. Normally dressed so well, she has on jeans and an uncharacteristic oversized hoodie, her hair pulled back.

  “Just stay in here while I talk to her,” I tell Lauren who sighs and rolls her eyes but complies.

  “Jenna, what are you doing here?” I ask, but before I’m even near her the smell of alcohol nearly knocks me out.

  “Really Chris? It’s funny how within just a couple of days, the question of my presence is a necessary one,” she says with tears in her eyes and I feel a sting of guilt.

  “I’m sorry Jenna.”

  “No! No more apologies or your weak excuses. I am done with you Christopher Scott,” she says poking me in my chest.

  “Do you understand what it’s been like for me since she arrived,” she yells, pointing at Lauren in the car.