The Complete If I Break Series

by Portia Moore

  Lauren

  We’re all up early though I got up earlier than everyone else. I’m not sure where Mr. Scott slept last night, but it wasn’t in his room. Mrs. Scott left her door open and she’s the only one there, and his truck hasn’t left its spot from yesterday. My phone rings and I see that it’s Hillary. I can’t help but roll my eyes because I’m super surprised that she’s up before dawn after seeing how drunk they were last night. Hillary and Aidan together just seem odd. Well not that odd,—they’re both single, the same age, and attractive. I just sort of cringe at the havoc of them being serious with each other would cause. I hope Aidan knows what he’s getting into. I’m surprised when it’s his voice on the phone and not Hillary’s.

  “Hey Lauren, my phone died so I just used Hillary’s.” His voice is deep like he’s just gotten up.

  “I figured that,” I am still slightly annoyed at how they acted last night. I expect things like that from Hillary, but Aidan could have been a little more mature under the circumstance. Those two can be like fire and gasoline.

  “I was calling to apologize about yesterday. I was a jerk, and it was stupid. I know you guys didn’t need that, and I don’t take my best friends condition as a joke.” Well, he’s hit all of the marks I was going to check him for.

  “I’m just glad it didn’t escalate to something terrible,” I say watching Caylen turn over in bed.

  “I saw Mr. Scott’s truck out back. Is everything okay?”

  “As far as I know.”

  “Do you need any help over there… is he… still that guy…” He says the last part with apprehension and almost disgust.

  “Yes he is and we’re actually going to be leaving soon. Could you check in on Mrs. Scott every once in a while? We offered her to come to Chicago with us, but she says she’s going to be fine here.”

  “I will. Are you going to be okay with prep school Chris?”

  “His name is Collin, and yes he’s harmless,” I giggle.

  “When did Chris check out? Was it after all the stuff with Lisa?”

  “Yeah, but he came back… it’s a long story. It’d probably be better for Chris to tell you… when he comes back,” I trail off.

  “Do you know when that will be?”

  I shake my head in response and realize he can’t see me. “No, I’m sort of as clueless as everyone else is,” I admit with a chuckle.

  “Have you talked to Lisa?” I ask wanting to change the subject. She has been running through my thoughts lately. I haven’t talked to her since the day she had me meet her at the restaurant and told me she had something she had to tell Chris. I hate that all of this happened. I actually considered Lisa a friend. We were growing close and now… I guess I can’t really judge her. She was so young and I wasn’t a part of the story then, but as a wife I feel obligated to take Mrs. Scott’s side.

  “Yeah I’ve been over there. She went and dropped Willa off with her aunt yesterday morning,” he reveals and I’m reminded that Lisa and Mr. Scott have a child together. The fact that she named her daughter after him, it makes it so much more real, and for Mrs. Scott it has to be even more hurtful. I think of the night she cried in my arms on the bathroom floor and feel myself becoming emotional.

  “Do you know if Mr. Scott has seen her… their daughter,” I ask, curiosity getting the best of me.

  “I don’t know.” His voice is desolate, a far cry from his usually playful jovial tone that he had just last night aided with alcohol. In this instant I realize that Aidan is hurting too. His brother Chris is MIA, the Scotts are like his family and on the verge of ruin, and his best friends will probably never speak to each other again.

  “Are you okay Aidan?” I ask him genuinely.

  “I’m always okay.” I can hear the smile in his voice, and I know he’s mustered it up for me.

  “Well since you and Hillary are a thing now, I’m sure I’ll be seeing you a lot in Chicago,” I say teasingly.

  “We’re not a thing!” He sounds almost panicked and I have to keep myself from giggling. He doesn’t know Hillary. They are now a thing.

  “Whatever you say,” I tell him reassuringly.

  “You’ll let me know as soon as Chris is… back,” he says unsurely.

  “That’s a promise.”

  “Good. Take it easy Lauren.” His tone is more serious.

  “You too,” I tell him before hanging up. After finishing up with Aidan I shower quickly and change Caylen while she’s sleeping. It’s really early, and I don’t want to mess up her schedule. Collin texts me that we’ll be leaving at 7:30 and it’s 6:45 now. I’m doing the last check of things when there’s a knock on the door. I figure it’s Mrs. Scott but am surprised when I see it’s Mr. Scott. He still looks tired and drained, but now there’s something I didn’t see the last time we saw each other. Hope, right behind his blue-green eyes.

  “Good morning.”

  “Good morning.” I move from the doorway allowing him to come in. He steps inside, and I close the door behind me. I think of how far he and I have come. How this man practically hated me before, how mean and bitter he was. He wasn’t my ally, honestly he felt like my enemy. There was nothing I could do right and my very presence irritated him. Now after everything has come out, I think I’m his only ally right now.

  “Gwen mentioned that you and…” he lets out a deep breath. “Collin are leaving.”

  “Yeah,” I nod. “I’m hoping that if he sees Helen that it will help things.”

  “I think she can help, I hope, but what do I know now?” he chuckles.

  “Have you talked to him?”

  He shakes his head. “No, I didn’t think it was the best thing right now.” That I’m surprised at, but maybe I shouldn’t be after the verbal shredding Chris gave him.

  “Gwen said that he doesn’t seem that bad.” I wonder if those were his interpretations of her words and not his. To be honest, Gwen actually seems smitten with Collin.

  “Not now at least,” I answer honestly. Really I don’t know what to think of Collin. He seems so transparent but that is something that I just can’t trust at this point. His goals seem too perfect. It would be so easy if this part of the man I loved wanted what was best for everyone, but it seems odd for his goal to be so out of line with the other two parts of himself. If he’s being honest and it truly is his goal, does it matter when the other two halves are so against it?

  “Gwen told me that he reminds her of a better version of a Crestfield,” he says hesitantly.

  “That sounds like a good description of him actually.”

  “Well if that’s the case, be careful.”

  I start to tell him that his son is an actual Crestfield, but I don’t. He has to already know that and I don’t want to add anything extra on his mental scale right now.

  “If there is anything you need from me or Gwen, we are there. It doesn’t matter how early or how late.” I can tell he means it with every fiber in his body.

  “I will I promise.”

  And I mean it. If we’re going to make this work, it’s going to take every one of us.

  It’s been so many times that Caylen and I have pulled up to our home, gone up so many flights of stairs, and opened the door. Yet it has never been with Cal.

  It’s just been us, or Chris has been with us, or at least I think it was him. And now Collin. We’ve been home for a week, and luckily Caylen still knows this is her home. It still feels like it for her, and Collin, I believe, she knows is her dad.

  He loves her.

  He’s patient with her, he plays with her. She sleeps in my bed every night. I know I have to stop it, she’s so good about sleeping on her own, but it’s more for my comfort than hers. It’s lonely being back here and still by myself in bed. Of course Collin and I don’t sleep in the same room. He hasn’t initiated doing so, and only comes in every morning to collect things. Yesterday I know he went shopping. I peeked into the closet of the room he’s staying in. I must say his taste is impeccable, but
expensive, even making Cal’s look frugal. He leaves everyday between 7 and 9 but is back before seven. It’s almost like having a roommate, and it feels so strange. Mr. and Mrs. Scott have checked in on me each day, at different times of course. They’re in the same house— that’s a step—but I don’t know how much longer that will be. I feel so bad for Mrs. Scott, and sometimes it’s easier to talk to her about the pain she’s dealing with than dealing with my own. What pain am I in? After everything it seems selfish to think of my own pain. After everything we’ve found out, what’s happened in everyone's past, it seems ridiculous.

  “I want cookies,” Caylen squeals while splashing the bubbles in the tub. I laugh.

  “No cookies tonight,” I tell her for the third time. I think Mrs. Scott has gotten her accustomed to baked goods before bedtime. I pick her up and wrap my arms around her along with the big, plush, pink towel and head out of the bathroom. I’m surprised when I see Collin walk through the door. He has a big bag that says Barnes and Noble.

  “Hey,” I say and he smiles at me. A smile that still makes my heart do jumping jacks. I remind myself each time that Collin is different; even if he has the same smile, the same voice, and the same eyes that make me fall in love with him again. He sets down the bag and walks toward us, and I command my heart to slow down.

  “I have something for her,” he says before kissing her on the forehead. She palms both sides of his face.

  “You hear that Cay,” I tell her.

  He’s in a good mood, and it’s almost contagious. I want to inhale it, instead I inhale his scent. It’s so different from Chris’s and Cal’s.

  “I got something for you too, but I can’t show you until Friday.” His eyes sparkle at me, and I try to contain my smile.

  He’s got something for me. I try to hide my elation. I try to hide how good it is for a moment for things to seem easy and light. It seems like those moments were a millennium away. He’s excited, and the energy is buzzing off of him. Usually I would just smile and be polite, but curiosity has the best of me.

  “What is it?” I ask.

  “Hers or yours,” he challenges and I bite my lip to try to contain my smile.

  I fail.

  “Go and get her dressed and I can show you hers, and yours you’re going to have to wait for.” I give him a playful glare before dashing off to the room and dressing Caylen after lotioning her down.

  “She’s done.” I call out to him and in less than a minute he’s back with the bag. He sits across from us in the rocking chair—the same rocking chair that Chris would sit in and play the guitar for us—I try to push that memory out of my thoughts because it makes me sad, and I want to soak up and keep all the joy that I have right now.

  “You ready?” he asks, and I put Caylen down and she walks over to him. He opens the bag. I see her look in, but whatever is in it she can’t lift it. He reaches in and I can’t help but laugh when I see the first Harry Potter book.

  “You didn’t,” I laugh amused. One after another he pulls out the entire Harry Potter collection.

  “Really, Collin?” I laugh as Caylen observes the books but her attention is really on the covers. Collin loves Harry Potter. I never would have thought, except who wouldn’t like Harry Potter? Even though I can’t picture Chris or Cal reading it.

  “You don’t think they’re going to be a little advanced for her?” I tease him. He scoops her up in his arms and sits her on his lap. He pulls out a stuffed owl from the bag, and that already is her favorite out of the books.

  “She’s going to be advanced, right princess?” He adjusts himself in the rocking chair and opens the book successfully. Juggling her and the large book in his arms, he reads off the famous first line.

  His voice is hypnotic, and what I expect to only be a few minutes before Caylen’s attention span explodes and she becomes agitated, she doesn’t. She teeters a bit grabbing the book here and there but before long her head is on his chest and she dozes off. Still he keeps reading and I sit across from him listening to his voice, wrapped up in his tone before I drift off into dreamland myself.

  My phone wakes me up, its ringtone interrupting a dream that’s made my cheeks flush. My skin is still warm and my breath is stolen. I grab my phone, sleep in my eyes and am surprised to find myself in bed. I look at the phone and see that it’s Raven. My head lands heavily back on the pillow. I want to close my eyes and wrap myself back in my dream, it was warm and safe but strange, and I hate as each second passes it escapes me, and I mourn the loss. The phone vibrates again. Raven is persistent if nothing else. We’ve only spoken briefly this week giving her edited glimpses of the terrible headlines instead of truthful full stories. I will call her back eventually. I just wish I knew what to say to her. I don’t know how to comfort her and I hate keeping secrets but the truth will only worry. No not worry her, it will terrify her. She’s just now warming up to the fact that Chris and Cal are not the same man. To tell her that Collin has now joined the party and that Cal tried to kill someone… I don’t want to even think about that. I climb out of bed and realize Caylen isn’t in the room with me. I think back to last night and remember I fell asleep in her room on the floor.

  Remembering his voice and how it was the most intimate moment Collin and I ever shared, I’m reminded of the first time Chris played the guitar for me and I saw a different side of the man that I love. Whenever I think of love and Collin in the same sentence I feel a stab of guilt, and it’s ridiculous but if I’m honest I do feel guilty. Guilty when I notice the things that have attracted me to the man whose been the only person I’ve fallen in lust with in my life. I feel a stab of guilt when I want to be near him, that I still want him. It’s crazy and starting to drive me insane. I’ve kept my distance while being as close to him as I can and a part of me knows it’s ridiculous but another part of me thinks of it as being loyal. But loyal to who? Which one?

  They’re the same!

  “You’re going crazy, Lauren.” I tell myself quietly as I head downstairs.

  “Well, good morning sunshine.” I freeze seeing Raven holding Caylen with a look on her face that’s between pissed and smug. My eyes dart to Collin who is behind the counter, looking like he just woke up, perfectly put together, every hair in place, fully dressed and more alert than someone should be when he was up reading Harry Potter past midnight.

  Shit. What has he told her? I’m not in any shape to battle it out with Raven today about the choices that I’ve made and the consequences I should expect.

  “How long have you been here?” I ask trying to put some enthusiasm into my tone.

  “Wow, no it’s so good to see you, Raven? I’m so glad you’re here. I’ve missed you?” she says sarcastically. I let out a sigh and know that I’m going to have to put on my battle armor even though I don’t know if I can stand with it on.

  “I am, Raven. It’s just been a very long week.”

  “I can imagine. Collin was just bringing me up to date on things.” She says this tightly and my stomach drops. Ugh, why does he have to be so transparent about everything! I look at him and there is no hint of regret, awkwardness, or an ounce of uncomfortableness.

  “Thanks for that, Collin,” I say tightly.

  “I thought it’d be better to let her know everything that’s happened and to introduce myself. Save you the stress of it.” He shrugs with one arm instead of two and I’m instantly annoyed.

  “I expressed how grateful I am for his transparency. Something his counterparts or their wife hasn’t been great about,” she says sarcastically.

  I can feel that this is going to be a great day already. How long has she been down here, and what all has he told her?

  “I’m heading out for work. You ladies have a good day.” Collin finishes his orange juice, and flashes me a smile. I fight not to roll my eyes at him while he kisses Caylen before leaving.

  “It was good speaking with you, Raven,” he tells her and she smiles widely at him. I am a bit surprised to see that
it doesn’t hold the trepidation or tension she had when she met Chris. She almost seems enthralled.

  “It was good speaking with you too. I will see you tonight.”

  I scold myself for how I felt last night, for warming up to him. It was an easy moment, one that I’ve missed.

  “Well, you have had a busy week,” she says tightly as soon as the door closes.

  I sigh and flop on the couch knowing what’s coming. She sits Caylen down whose attention is caught on Doc. McStuffins.

  “I’m sorry that we haven’t been able to talk,” I tell her sincerely, but my voice is already exhausted from the conversation that’s about to follow, so my apology comes off as dry and nonchalant.

  “You’re sorry,” her voice is already high and raised, full of indignation. “Lauren, your husband has a third alter ego,” she screeches.

  I swallow hard.

  “I had to hear it from Hillary,” she cries.

  Thanks, Hillary.

  I shake my head. “You and Hillary are best friends now, huh?” I ask a little jealous and hoping to lead off this subject.

  “Don’t you dare try to change the subject.”

  “I don’t know what Collin’s told you, but there has been so much going on,” I tell her defensively.

  “He’s told me quite a lot, but I’d love to hear it from you,” she says, and I put my head in my hands. When I don’t answer right away, she begins to lay out fact after fact, detail after detail and she knows pretty much everything that’s happened including the blow up at the Scotts which wasn’t even any of her business. Gosh Collin what a freakin' motor mouth!

  “Well, it doesn’t seem like there’s much for me to say because you know it all already.” She walks over in front of me and leans down, so we’re at eye level. “Your husband tried to kill someone! That is not okay!” she yells.

  I stand and walk to the other side of the room.

  “You don’t need to be here, Lauren. It is not safe for you and Caylen. Cal needs help, help that you can’t give him.”