The Complete If I Break Series

by Portia Moore

“Yes exactly. How did you feel about what you were doing?” She sits in her chair and waits for me to respond.

  “I felt great. I always feel good when I’m playing my guitar, but why would they share a memory with me?”

  “It could be for any number of reasons, but sharing thoughts and memories is good. I couldn’t say for sure until I speak to them, but Collin has expressed being open to sharing with you,” she says casually. I feel myself frown. Isn’t he just the greatest?

  “Chris, how do you feel about Collin?”

  “I don’t know the guy. He is just another hurdle to get over,” I tell her with a shrug.

  “Have you started on your letters to them?” she asks, and I realize I have completely forgotten about the letters.

  “I’ve had a lot going on with getting settled into work, and my mom is here and spending time with Caylen and Lauren.”

  “Thirty minutes out of your day shouldn’t be much,” she tells me. I rest my weight on my elbows. I don’t want to write a letter to them—it seems stupid and ridiculous but what do I know? I’m more lost in this than anyone else.

  “I’ll start tonight,” I promise her and she looks pleased.

  “Have you heard them?” she asks and I look at her confused. “Have you heard either of them try and speak to you?” It’s not too often that a person refers to you hearing voices as normal.

  “I don’t think so.”

  “Why don’t you think so?” She’s starting to ask too many questions and I feel myself getting impatient and antsy in my seat, so I stretch my legs out in front of me making the space suddenly seem smaller.

  “I used to hear Cal’s.” I tell her and her expression remains blank. “His was more like taunting though. Never anything constructive.” She writes on her Ipad, but keeps her eyes on me. “After I came back, I heard thoughts that didn’t seem like they were mine, but I am pretty sure they weren’t Cal’s either.”

  “Have you ever tried to speak back to them?” I can’t help but snicker, but her face is completely serious

  “No.” I tell her as if it’s obvious. For one, I didn’t even know that was possible and two, I really am not interested in getting to know either of those jerks. She stands from her seat and walks over to sit in the chair beside me.

  “Are you afraid of them?” she asks and I feel anger rise up in my chest.

  “No, I’m not afraid of them,” I scoff at her.

  “Then why wouldn’t you want to talk to them?” she asks, and I look at her again as if it’s obvious.

  “Because they want my life, they’ve tried to shut me out of my life. I’m angry not, I'm afraid!” I shout at her.

  “Do you think you’ll ever stop being angry?”

  I frown at her question and get up from my seat. I feel energy swirling around inside of me that I have to let out.

  “If they stop trying to screw up my life,” I say through a nervous laugh.

  “And what would you want them to do in order to not ‘screw up your life,’” she says in air quotes.

  “Go away and never come back.” I smile widely at this and she frowns.

  “You’ve done peer mentoring before haven’t you, Christopher?” she asks and I nod.

  “If you had two students you worked with who didn’t get along, what would you have them do?”

  I roll my eyes knowing where this is going. “This isn’t the same thing!” I let out a strained breath and sit down. “Fine. I’d have them talk about what the problem is, and try to find common ground, let them know that they don’t have to like each other but respect is essential,” I tell her begrudgingly.

  “That sounds like amazing advice.” She tells me with a triumphant grin. I sit down feeling defeated, and think back to all the kids I used to mentor and how they sometimes would look at me as if I didn’t understand what it was like to be young and misunderstood. They thought my life was perfect and that I couldn’t possibly understand or give them advice. Now I’ve traded places with them.

  “We talked about control the last time you were here. Control is power. Knowledge is control. Communication gives you the keys to access those things.” She explains as if it’s the simplest answer in the world. I unzip my khaki jacket and set it beside me—it’s starting to get hot in here. The prospect of being able to talk to them freaks me out. I never thought it would be possible, but in some way I guess it would be like talking to myself.

  “You talked about co-consciousness before.” She studies me for a second and then nods.

  “Chris and Collin already are, right?” I ask and she gives me a tight smile. “Or you can’t answer that?”

  “What I can tell you is that your alternate states of mind have been in communication for awhile,” she says with a sympathetic grin. Great, it’d make sense why I’m the one left out of the loop.

  I shift in my seat. “So if I was considering doing this, how would it work? Would I stand in a mirror or something?” I laugh, but she maintains its seriousness.

  “Not quite.” She gives me an empathetic smile.

  I feel so confused. “You can meet with them,” she adds, and I think she’s pulling my leg at this point.

  “I’m serious Chris. We’ve already discussed how phenomenal the power of the human mind is—your mind specifically.” She looks at me almost in awe. It only makes me uncomfortable. “You can imagine a place in your mind where you could meet them.”

  “Where we all just sit down and sing “Kumbaya”,” I snicker and her smile hardens.

  “Christopher, I am not here to waste your time, please don’t waste mine. Nothing I present to you is meant to be a joke or play on your intelligence.” Her voice is cool and unwavering, and it makes me feel almost guilty, but I quickly think of all the things she’s kept from me and I realize I’m right to have my doubts—even though holding onto them right now won’t help me at all.

  “Okay… how would I do that?” I remove the condescension from my tone, and she smiles widely.

  “First, you work on the letters, and then we’ll begin.”

  My thoughts from this morning replay like a TV show I’ve watched a million times as I sit on the couch watching Caylen and Mrs. Scott play with one of the gadgets Chris bought her yesterday. Chris remembered the song and it was something so small—really insignificant to anyone else—but to me it meant a lot. The look on his face after he realized it hit me harder because he looked almost scared. I regretted telling him that I didn’t have to go to every session with him because I know he’ll talk to Helen about it, and I wonder what her response will be—if she’ll help him uncover why he looked so nervous instead of triumphant. Maybe that’s how he’s always been. He didn’t tell me about his memories right away after he started remembering them. I know it has to be scary when your mind starts putting pieces of a puzzle together you’re not sure if you even want to solve, but that scares me. If he’s afraid of integration—of being whole—where does that leave us? The feeling hits me even more as I watch Caylen. She’s so happy now, blissfully unaware of the issues her father and mother face, but it won’t be like that forever. Caylen can’t have three dads—how would she begin to understand?

  “Are you okay, Lauren?” Mrs. Scott looks at me with a warm but worried smile. I snap myself out of my thoughts.

  “Yeah, just trying to get this picture to come together.” I’ve been sketching her and Caylen but am nowhere near done.

  “Are you hungry? Want me to make you something to eat?" she asks brightly and I smile.

  “I’m stuffed from breakfast and the submarine sandwich you made me for lunch. If I eat one more bite of anything before dinner, Chris is going to get me confused with a blimp,” I tease her.

  “Your kitchen is so beautiful I could bake in there for hours,” she says before squealing at the doll Caylen has pushed in her face. “But Chris is the one who made you breakfast, it wasn’t me,” she throws me a half-smile.

  I think back to when Chris stepped in to teach me how to
cook, and how much more things were complicated then. Thankfully they’re simpler now—or at least they’re supposed to be—or maybe in Chris’s eyes we swapped Jenna out for Collin.

  “I’m so sorry, Lauren.” Mrs. Scott’s voice is low and sullen, her eyes full of sorrow.

  “For what?” I ask her a little confused.

  She runs her hand through Caylen’s black curls. “I should have said something to you sooner. The day I came here when I found out you and Cal were engaged. I was so selfish to think of all the time he missed with her, the time that William and I missed with her.”

  I get off the couch and sit beside her. “Mrs. Scott, that’s in the past. We just have to believe that it all worked out for the greater good. I don’t know what would have happened if you had told me about him, and Cal is so stubborn he may have made good on his promise to disappear. We may not have had Caylen. You are the best mother-in-law I could have ever imagined. Caylen loves you, and you’re wonderful to us.” I mean every word. She hugs me, and I think back to the day in the kitchen when I imagined having a relationship like this with her.

  “And so are you. I couldn’t have picked a better woman for my son to love,” she tells me squeezing my hands. “I’ve never seen my son look at anyone like how he looks at you.” I can’t help but smile. “Even when he’s Cal. The day I came here, I had assumed that what he had with you wasn’t real… but when I saw him with you, that delusion I convinced myself of had crumbled.” I smile at her, but the looming sadness that comes over me when I think of Cal has taken hold of me.

  I miss him, and I hate that I feel guilty about it. It’s so stupid, but I do.

  “Do you miss him?” It’s like she is reading my mind but her question shocks me. She smiles sympathetically at me when the look on my face must have given me away.

  “Would it be terrible if I said yes?”

  “No, of course not. I know how much you love my son. That’s all that matters to me, and don’t you ever feel guilty about that,” she tells me adamantly.

  I give her another hug and thank God that she’s my mother-in-law. The doorbell rings interrupting our moment. I can’t think of who it would be because even if Chris couldn’t find his key the doorman would have let him up. I push myself off the floor and go to the intercom.

  “Yes,” I say into it.

  “It’s your best friend in the whole wide world.” A smile breaks out on my face hearing that voice. “Come on up, Hill.” I haven’t seen her in weeks and am so excited to see her.

  “I’ll go and put Caylen down for her nap,” Mrs. Scott scoops up Caylen and her toys in her arms. I give Caylen a kiss and she settles into Mrs. Scott’s arms. I gather the few remaining toys on the floor and cart them off to what I’ve dubbed Caylen’s corner in the house, and unlock the door for Hillary to come in.

  “Hey Hun Bun!” she squeals as she comes through the door and pulls me into a hug.

  “I actually missed you!”

  She looks at me feigning hurt. “So you’re implying that you don’t usually miss me?” She touches her chest and gives me puppy dog eyes. “Guess who I brought with me,” she says with a wink and wide grin. I’m shocked as ever when Aidan pops up behind her.

  “Aidan!” I laugh as he gives me a charming smile before picking me up in a bear hug.

  “What are you doing here?” I ask happily as he sits me down. I glance at Hillary, and I can only imagine what one of those reasons is.

  “Well, the old man Chris sent me a text to call him, and since I’m not busy and this one has been on my back to come see her…” he teasingly elbows Hillary.

  “Oh please, I think you’re just having withdrawals,” she says suggestively putting her chest against his. I swallow hard and cover my laugh. They are the strangest sight. I mean they both are young, attractive, and single, so they absolutely make sense. But I hope Aidan knows what he’s getting himself into. Hillary feigns all fun and games but deep down she wants what most girls want, someone to love her.

  “So you guys are loaded, huh?” Aidan asks as he walks further into the apartment and looks around. I roll my eyes at him.

  “You are so late to the party. Cal had money out the ass since he met Lauren,” Hillary tells him. I watch Aidan frown. I’m sure he’s probably as happy to hear Cal’s name as Chris is.

  “We’re not loaded,” I laugh feeling my cheeks heat up.

  “So I can’t borrow ten grand is what you’re saying?” he says with a serious face, but then he flashes me his signature charming smile.

  “No, you cannot,” I swat him.

  “Where’s the hubby?” Hillary walks over to the fridge and pulls out a bottle of water.

  “He’s at work. He should be home soon though.”

  “I can give Aidan a tour of the house.” Hillary gives me an innocent look while grabbing his hand.

  “Uhm sure but let’s keep it PG-13 Hil,” I warn her and she gives me another innocent look.

  “Actually G-rated, Hillary!” I call after them as they disappear up the stairs.

  I straighten up the living room while everyone is upstairs. Hopefully Hillary and Aidan won’t be too long. We’re best friends but her having sex with my husband’s best friend on any piece of my furniture is not a level of friendship I’m looking forward to reaching anytime soon. Mrs. Scott comes downstairs wearing a strained smile.

  “I think something is going on in your uhm guest room,” she says, her face flushed red.

  “Dammit Hillary,” I mutter under my breath. “That would be Aidan and Hillary,” I tell her and her eyes widen in shock.

  “Oh.” She laughs covering her mouth, then a worried expression clouds her face. “Has he spoken to Christopher?”

  “I’m not sure. We didn’t really get a chance to talk before Hillary dragged him upstairs,” I say feeling my own worry starting to rise. We both look grimly at each other.

  “Aidan wouldn’t tell Chris anything that would upset him,” I say hopefully. There are a list of things I’d rather Chris not know right now. That his parents are raising his dad’s love child is one of those things I’d rather him find out just a little bit later. He’s been so happy, but I know it’s a battle that he’s always on the edge of losing. I know it’s selfish of me to not want him to know right now, but not knowing who is going to show up at what time and with what agenda has gotten a little overwhelming.

  “No, I wouldn’t think so but… Aidan is Aidan,” she says her lips pressed together tightly. She’s right. Aidan is Aidan and though I know he’d never intentionally tell Chris something to hurt him, I don’t know if he understands what would affect Chris and what wouldn’t. But Aidan isn’t stupid. He saw what happened after Chris found out about his dad and Lisa. I just wonder if he gets that after it all happened, Collin took over and Chris has been out of it for months—that this is all still very fresh for him. I want to march up to the guest room and ask him, but the thought of hearing him and Hillary in the midst of whatever they’re doing stops me.

  “I’m sure it will be fine. I’ll go ahead and get started with dinner.” Mrs. Scott is trying to put on a brave face, but I can tell she doesn’t think it’s fine. I pull out my phone to call his number but then hear the front door beginning to open. I hang up the phone and my pulse slows down when Chris walks through the door with a big, playful grin on his face.

  “Hey.” Thank God he’s happy.

  “Hi.” I walk over to him and stand on my tippy-toes to give him a light kiss. “How was your session?”

  “It was good,” he says holding my waist.

  “Well, you have some company.” I rub the back of his neck, and the prickly hairs on his head massage my hand.

  “Who?” he asks, a hint of anxiety under his voice.

  “Aidan.” His face breaks into an enthusiastic smile.

  “Where is he?” He looks around the apartment, and I clear my throat.

  “Hillary is showing him our upstairs guest room,” I say and he arches an ey
ebrow at me. “They’ve been hanging out a lot it seems.”

  “Great…” he chuckles and we both make our way to the kitchen. “Hey Mom” he says and gives Mrs. Scott a kiss on the cheek.

  “I am making your favorite dinner today.”

  “All of your foods are my favorite,” he tells her taking my hand and pulling me back into the living room. “I missed you today.”

  “Did you?” I ask him teasingly.

  “Yup. A whole lot.” He lifts me off the floor for another kiss.

  “So you guys working on baby number two already, huh?” Aidan walks into the room with Hillary in tow. We untangle from each other’s arms.

  “Aidan Riles,” Christopher says playfully, and they give each other a man hug.

  “Hey, Chris?” Hillary asks him with a questioning grin and a hand on her hip.

  “That’s me,” Chris says with a nod, and she glances my way and winks.

  “When I texted you, I expected a phone call, but I must be really special to get a whole visit,” Chris says, and Aidan shrugs.

  “Well, someone convinced him…” Hillary sings wrapping her arms around his waist.

  “Oooh…” Chris says and Aidan looks away embarrassed.

  “So I’m here in the windy city—when do I get to blow her?” My mouth falls open, and Hillary grins like a Cheshire cat. Chris blows out an annoyed breath.

  “I meant like hit the town, man. Let’s have some fun. After everything that’s happened couldn’t we use some drinks?”

  “You want to go out?” Chris glances at me to ask, and I shrug.

  “Come on, Lauren. When was the last time we’ve been out?! I know you’re a mom but do you have to be a grandma?” she teases me.

  “Hey, what’s wrong with being a grandma?” Mrs. Scott asks making her entrance.

  “Ms. Red, what are you doing here?” Aidan happily lifts her into a big hug.

  “Hi, Mrs. Scott.” Hillary is more bashful, and I’m a little surprised She’s never been one to be bashful not even around Raven.

  “Hi, Hillary. Nice to see you again.” Mrs. Scott offers her a friendly smile though since the last time she saw them, it was anything but nice to see them.