The Complete If I Break Series

by Portia Moore

  “How would we—I don’t know the schedule for this…” I search for the words to ask.

  “What do you think is fair?”

  “I don’t know…” I didn’t really consider this.

  “Every other month?”

  “That seems like a long time,” I say scratching my head.

  “Every week…” he sounds slightly annoyed. That seems too frequent.

  “Every two weeks. And if there’s an event one of us has, we agree to let the corresponding person attend without interference.”

  “That sounds fair,” he says. “But one thing—this stays between us. We don’t tell anyone—not Helen, your parents, and especially not Lauren.”

  “Why not?”

  “There are some things that are not quite sitting right with me that I have to find out answers to. I’m not entirely sure what role Helen plays in all of this,” he says, and I’m surprised by this because you’d think they were best friends the way Lauren describes it.

  “And these things are?”

  He glares at me then shrugs casually. “When I find out you will.”

  “Fine…But my parents are pretty obvious, but why can’t we tell Lauren?” I ask.

  “Because she should think we’re integrated. It’s what’s been hammered into her about us being ‘cured’ I don’t want her worrying about us.”

  “You may be able to lie to her…”

  “It’s not lying!” he says defensively. “I don’t lie to Lauren,” his voice drops dangerously low, and I wonder what he thinks this is.

  “Us working together is a form of integration,” he reasons. I try to think how Lauren would react if I told her that Cal and I were decided to switch out…. co-exist would be a better word. I think she’d understand.

  “Don’t puss out on me, Chris. We can discuss telling her at a later date. Let’s gauge her reaction first,” he relents. That I can go for. “And we allow access to each other’s memories and thoughts.”

  “Don’t you already have access to mine?”

  “Things have been a little different since I kicked Collin out of the club.” He shrugs. So he does need me.

  I never imagined a day when we would sit down… or I would sit down with myself and talk. Cal explains how I can summon him if I need him. It sounds ridiculous, but this whole thing is. I let him know what he’s missed out on in the missing weeks he’s had. Still, something just doesn’t sit right with me.

  “Why should I trust you?” I ask and he smiles.

  “You don’t trust yourself? Look I’m you, and you’re me, and we have to act in our own best interest.”

  “You thought killing someone was in our best interest?” I remind him.

  “Okay, I was probably a little hasty about that… but I wouldn’t have gotten caught,” he says.

  “Okay. So… how do we do this?”

  “We shake on it.”

  “That’s it?” I ask, and his eyebrows rise. “Okay.” And we shake on it.

  “What you thought there’d be a rainbow or something?” He’s such a smug…

  “Christopher?” Helen asks when I open my eyes. Her gaze is speculative.

  “Yeah?”

  “How did it go?” she asks.

  “It was okay I guess,” I say nonchalantly.

  “Were you able to speak to him?”

  “Yeah, he said he’s willing to integrate for Lauren,” I clear my throat. I’ve lied more this year than my whole life, and I still don’t feel like I’m getting any better at it.

  “Really?” she sounds surprised, and that makes my stomach twitch.

  “Uh…why wouldn’t you think he’d want to integrate?”

  “The same reason you never wanted to, Chris. But I always guessed if anyone would bring you together, it would be Lauren. Let’s go back to my office, and we’ll wrap up.”

  Something is wrong. My temples are throbbing, and I know I’ve missed time. I’ve missed events before but this does not happen. Not with me. I stare at Helen who just asked something about Lauren, and then look at the screen and see my face. But it’s not me… I’m not sure who it is. How did I get here?

  “What is that on the screen?” I ask, and her eyes narrow in on mine.

  “C-Collin?” she asks with a bit of hesitancy. “You, don’t know?” I feel myself losing the little patience I have.

  “Play it,” I tell her. She picks up the remote on her desk and plays the video. It’s Cal of course, and whatever is going on has his fingerprints all over it. As I watch I feel something I never have before. My chest is tight, and I’m on the verge of a headache.

  “When did he do this?” I ask, my voice low and shaky.

  “You don’t remember, you haven’t been aware?” I swear Helen is a genius. I rub my hand across my head. I remember when Chris cut all of our hair off, but now it’s longer and I can wrap it around my thumb. It’s been more than a few days—maybe even a few weeks.

  “Are you okay? You don’t look like yourself?”

  I press my knuckles together. “Calvin is out of control. He’s up to something, and I need to know what they’ve talked about.”

  Helen displays a smile to comfort the pathetic, but it only arouses my suspicions.

  “You know how it works, Collin. I only share what I’m given permission to.”

  I clutch my knuckles that look paler than I recall them. “The last thing I remember…” I try to think…“Christopher was here with Lauren….” I gulp down my budding nerves because there is definitely something to be very nervous about.

  “You still have not communicated with Cal?” she asks, attempting to conceal her surprise.

  “He is a lot more childish and stubborn than I initially thought,” I admit. “And I want to know how he’s been able to block me out.”

  “Cal shouldn’t be able to do that Collin. You’re co-conscious,” she begins to explain and I slam my fist against the table in front of me.

  “I know what he should not be able to do but he is doing it. I have no idea what has been happening or what day it is.” I growl.

  “Collin, this isn’t like you.”

  “That’s what I mean! Something is very off.” I try to remain calm but stress the importance that she helps set this right. I don’t know what’s going on with these two. Cal thinks he’s so smart, but I’ve been at it a lot longer than he has.

  “Would you allow me to speak with him?” she asks, and I laugh.

  “I’m not letting him out,” I scoff. Her lips press together in a tight line.

  “Then this is where the problem lies, Collin. You are supposed to be the neutral party, the level-headed presence, unbiased…” she trails off. “Would you like to talk to me about what has changed?”

  I suck in a breath trying to maintain my composure. Life happened. Calvin went on the fritz, and then Chris wouldn’t function right and I had to man the ship longer than I imagined doing. Lauren happened. She cared for me, loved me, and desired me, and I realized I could make things better than either of them. They made things worse, and Calvin’s selfish antics only highlights the fact that I would be the best father to Caylen and husband to Lauren. They are incapable and ruin all they touch.

  “I want to start Naltrexonel…”

  Her eyebrows rise. “Last I checked I’m the doctor, Collin.”

  “Okay, let me put it this way. You write my prescription, or I decide to let Calvin walk through the door…” I tell her, meeting her eyes. “The door to the room, Helen. The one your employer wouldn’t want him to go through… the person who writes your checks, who this entire empire stands on.” I watch her gulp.

  “What are you referring to, Collin?” She studies me as I search her expression and wonder does she know… maybe she doesn’t. After all, she’s just a limb, not the brain.

  I stand from my seat. “Never mind. I’ll have your boss make the call,” I tell her, throwing her a dismissive glance.

  “Collin, don’t you think we need to t
alk about this?” She stands and walks toward me.

  “I think we’ve talked enough,” I tell her before closing the door to her office. I pull out my phone and see that I have a text from Lauren asking me to meet her at the gallery. She's just the person I want to hear from.

  “I’m up here,” Lauren calls out as the security system announces that I’ve entered. I look around and take in my surroundings. After finding out the date, I’ve realized I’ve been shut out for weeks. The gallery, already in pristine condition when I bought it, has come a long way. Paintings are hung, lighting fixed, floors buffed. There are boxes and equipment for the opening everywhere. I head up the stairs and am reminded of what a vision she is when I see her. Her hair is piled in a knot on the top of her head. Her eyes are bright in the way I imagine angels would look.

  “This morning was rough. I wanted to apologize again for everything that happened,” she says, and I look at her curiously. What exactly happened this morning? She lets out a soft sigh and hugs herself.

  “This is still new to me, and confusing at times, and I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want to hurt any of you,” her voice breaks, and I don’t know what I’ve just walked into.

  “It’s hard dealing with this sometimes. It hurts me when you hurt—or when any of you hurt. I just want everyone to be happy, and I don’t know how to do that and am trying so hard.” She covers her face with her hands, and I wrap my arms around her and kiss her head.

  “You’re not mad at me anymore?” Her voice sounds childlike.

  “No, I’m not.” I feel her relaxed body become stiff in my arms, and she leans back to look up at me.

  “Collin?” She asks with a guess in her voice, and I nod. Her chin drops to her chest. I release her from my embrace.

  “You’re disappointed?” She looks up at me—she’s smiling but there are tears in her eyes.

  “None of you disappoint me.” She’s exasperated and walks to the other side of the room to collapse onto the couch.

  “Nothing ever gets settled or fixed. When it’s a problem to solve, you run away—not you but—you know what I mean.” She laughs, but it’s mirthless.

  “What happened?” I ask as I sit beside her. She sniffs and looks at me curiously.

  “I thought you know everything that happens?”

  “Yeah, I thought I did.”

  She finally sits up and wipes her eyes. “Cal came back and he didn’t let me know it was him. Chris was upset that I couldn’t tell them apart so now he’s mad at me. I’m so annoyed with Cal for not telling me and now… you’re here, and I’m sure I’ll get blamed for that too,” she says.

  This is why they have to go. This isn’t a happily married woman—this is a woman on the verge of a nervous breakdown. When I was here she was never like this—she was happy, productive, and loved. They’re both too selfish to deserve her, and to deserve this life. I hook my arm around her and she rests her head on my shoulder then curls her body into mine. This is what they’re supposed to do—bring peace—but all they bring is the war. And it’s why they should be extinct.

  “Everything is going to work out fine,” I promise her.

  “No it’s not! You guys hate each other.” She laughs miserably. “And I’m stuck in the middle of this.” I take her face in my hands and turn her towards me, her big hazel eyes full of sadness and uncertainty.

  “I promise you… things are about to get a lot better.”

  “You mean the gallery opening?” she asks.

  “No, I mean we’re going to be integrating,” I tell her and her eyes go wide.

  “What?” Her eyes crinkle in disbelief or maybe confusion.

  “We’ve all agreed. We want what’s best for you and Caylen.”

  “I-I don’t know what to say.” She’s so stunned that she begins to pace the floor.

  “I thought that it took years, that you all had to agree…and this morning Chris was just furious at Cal and now you all agreed to be one?” she asks skeptically.

  “I explained to them what this is doing to you. We talked it over, and we don’t want to be a hindrance to your happiness. We want Caylen to grow up with a normal father and for you to have a normal husband.” I watch her brows draw together. “I thought you’d be happy,” I ask a little shocked. She gives me a small smile.

  “It sounds good, but I want you all to know that I don’t care about normal. I’ve never been ashamed or embarrassed of you, and I never will be. I’m just tired of the fighting—of being the bad guy.” Her sadness takes over her beautiful features.

  “There won’t be any more,” I promise her. “I know this is a lot to take in, especially before your opening, but I have to say it’s an honor for me to be here for it. I’m so happy to see you be the woman you were always capable of being. We never wanted to hold you back.”

  “You didn’t hold me back.” She gives a slight shake of her head, but we both know the truth.

  “I’m still a little in shock over what you just told me that I can’t even think about the opening right now. How will this integration work? When is this supposed to happen? I-I’m just...” she sounds more bewildered than relieved. I tilt my head and look at her, studying her reaction.

  “This is what you want, isn’t it?” I ask her, and for a moment her face goes blank.

  “It’s never been about what I want,” she mutters. I feel my skin heat up, and I walk to her but she doesn’t look at me.

  “I’ve never asked you but… if you had to choo.—” Her furious glare makes me stop mid-sentence.

  “Really, Collin?” she asks in disbelief. “You of all people should know… I thought that you got it,” her voice is strained, and I immediately regret asking.

  “I’m sorry. I know. I do understand.” I tell her. I did understand once upon a time. It seems so long ago, and now I feel like I don’t understand anything. I do feel that she owes us some sort of an answer. If she had to choose, why wouldn’t it be me? I bought her this gallery. I’m the most stable one. I’m not as weak as Chris and not hot-tempered and unreliable like Cal. It should be me. She’s right, there isn’t a question because the answer doesn’t matter.

  It will be me.

  Chapter 31

  Lauren

  “That goes over there.” Hillary directs the sea of workers we hired to set up for the event. My stomach is in knots. Not only is it tied in knots, but it feels queasy as if I were tied to a roller coaster. It’s the morning of my gallery opening, and it doesn’t feel like how I thought it would. I thought I would be excited and elated but instead I feel panicked and on edge.

  “Lauren, don’t you have a hair and makeup appointment,” Angela asks me knocking me from my thoughts.

  “Yeah, but I thought I should be here helping out and being more hands-on…” I say mechanically.

  “Hon, we’ve got this. Everything is going to go beautifully,” she reassures me with smile. The last two days have been a blur. I’ve thrown myself into work preparing everything for today, but what Collin said about integrating is at the forefront of my mind regardless of how much I try to ignore it. Something is different. Even Helen agrees though she won’t say much about it. The only thing that she did reveal was that Collin hasn’t exactly been his usual self. He seems more emotional, a little more human and it’s not bad, but I had grown to be comforted by his fair, unbiased nature. In the beginning, his motives were never for him, but for all of them as a whole. I’ve started to get the distinct feeling that this is no longer the case, and if that’s changed, I have to question everything that he’s said and done. With him being the most knowledgeable of them all, it’s a very scary place for him to be in if he’s not thinking clearly. I’m worried, and it’s not the kind that hits you at once when you think something bad is going to happen, but the silent kind that kills you in your sleep. The kind where people wonder why a perfectly healthy twenty-something-year-old suffered a stroke or heart attack.

  “Lauren Scott.” I turn around toward the
deep voice, and it’s accompanied with blond hair, swoon worthy eyes and a smile that had to have been aided by years of braces.

  “You’re…” I trail off trying to place the familiar face.

  “Ian Hudson,” he says extending his hand.

  “Of course you are, I’m so sorry. Things are super hectic right now,” I apologize. This is the guy Hillary fawned over about his face, but his photography work is what is phenomenal.

  “I’m so honored that you are allowing me to feature your work.” He’s beautiful but in a rugged sort of way, rough around the edges, no polish. Tall and broad, more like a mechanic than a photographer. He sort of looks like Thor, Hillary is going to love that. She has a huge crush on Chris Helmsworth, I can’t worry about what a messy triangle that could be.

  Hopefully he’s married.

  “No problem, it looks like it’s in good hands here,” he says with an easy shrug surveying the chaos.

  “It will be, I promise. Everything will all come together tonight.”

  “No worries. If Mike trusts you, I trust you.” He smiles warmly. It’s a smile I’m sure would cause butterflies to any other woman, but all I want to do is pass it off to someone else. Fantastic eyes and stomach-clenching smiles is why my brain is such a mess right now.

  “Lauren, can you check on this and make sure that the playlist is okay? The DJ’s assistant wants your final approval,” Angela says as she hands me a list.

  “I can see you’re busy. I just wanted to introduce myself since we were in the area. I’ll see you tonight,” he says with an easy unoffended smile.

  “Thank you again. Yes, we’ll talk more tonight,” I say gluing my eyes on the list. When two hands cover my eyes, I try to hide a groan and plaster on a fake smile. I have so much work to do that right now, I wish I had a magic genie to grant me three wishes to make everything perfect if not just bearable. I turn around, and it’s Raven smiling widely at me. I fall into her big hug.

  “I thought you weren’t coming in until later?” I ask her surprised.