The Complete If I Break Series

by Portia Moore

  “Are you sure?” the words tumble out of my mouth like a cough I can’t stop. His eyes narrow at me but his smile is still there.

  “If that’s what you want. I only want what you want,” he says again, reassuring me.

  “Why me?” I ask, confused. I don’t understand why someone like him wants me. There’s so many things wrong with me. He knows I don’t come from the perfect family, or a family that I even know of at all. I’m flawed, but worse than that, I’m almost destroyed and I don’t know why he’d want someone so imperfect when he’s the opposite. Why deal with someone so damaged? The look of confusion on his face makes my heart twitch. He takes my face in his and makes me look at him, his smile soft and as stunning as it’s ever been.

  “Why you? Why not you? I don’t know what you see when you look in the mirror but babe, you’re amazing. Not only are you gorgeous but you’re sweet and so kind, and I’ve never met anyone like you.”

  I have tears that I’m forcing to stay put now. To think anyone, but especially someone like him, believes these things about me, it feels amazing. When we talked I felt invigorated hopeful. He has away of making you feel good about yourself, like there’s nothing you can’t do. A quality that will be useful to him since he wants to work in government.

  I almost chocked on my food when I asked him where he’d eventually like to see himself in life and he dropped his gaze a bit revealing a boyish grin before it morphed into a million dollar smile and humbly told me as the president. The freaking president, and I know he could do it, I think he can be anything he wanted. This is the man who wants to know me.

  I don’t have any words so I stand on tiptoes and bring my lips to his and hope with this kiss he can feel how grateful I am for his understanding, how much I want him. I slink my arms behind his head, deepening this kiss and opening up more to him than I ever had. Our hearts beat out of sync, running against each other. There’s a longing within me that has my body on edge, yearning for something to relieve its wanting. I feel it whenever his body is against me, when he drags his fingers over my skin. Our lips pushed against each other, his arms around my body. Feelings I’ve never felt before begging to be fulfilled—a welcome distraction from every negative thought within me.

  “Kam?” We break apart, both breathless. Kam’s face lights up at the voice that called out to him behind us. I turn around and see her, the beautiful blonde girl from the day we met. She’s small, probably around 5’1”, wearing a pink blouse and white jeans with a large Louis Vuitton bag on her shoulder. Kam gives me a comforting grin, taking my hand and leading me towards her. There’s a guy standing beside her and the contrast between them is almost jarring. He’s tall, almost 6’2”, and where she is small, pretty, put together, and perfectly neat, this guy is tall, all edge. Tattoos cover his long lean arms, he has an trendy mohawk and a silver ring in his lip, but behind that edginess he’s still traditionally handsome with striking green eyes, a strong jaw covered with stubble, two dimples resting in his cheeks, and there’s something else. Something that makes me recognize him, the thing that only those who have been hurt or lost something see within each other, and it makes me breathe a little easier. Maybe Kameron’s family has a thing for saving those in need.

  “What’s up Kam,” her companion says, greeting Kam with a nod. Kam does the same.

  “Hi, I’m Katie,” she says, her voice high and bright as I expect it to be, her smile warm and genuinely friendly.

  “Megan, this is my baby sister and her boyfriend Josh,” he says, introducing us.

  “You can call me Blue,” he says, his eyes narrowing in on me almost in familiarity. I search his face again but I’m sure I don’t know him.

  “Nice to meet you both,” I say, not nearly as nervous as I would have thought I was.

  “I’ve heard so much about you,” she gushes, giving her brother a teasing nudge. Kam rolls his eyes and pulls me into him. I swallow my nerves, wondering what he’s told her.

  “Where are you guys headed?” Kam asks, and Katie tells him they’re headed to grab some food and then to see a band perform.

  “You guys should come!” she squeals, and I wonder if she’s always so enthusiastic.

  “You don’t know if they have plans babe,” Blue interrupts with a laugh.

  “We were just coming from a movie,” Kam says, eyeing me as if asking for permission.

  “Come on, it’ll be fun!” she pleads, her eyes darting between me and Kam.

  “The band’s pretty good,” Blue says, looking towards me as if reading that I’m the decision maker.

  “I like good music,” I respond with a light shrug.

  “It’s settled then!” Katie announces, and just like that we’re on a double date.

  If I had any doubts before that Kam’s family is as perfect as one could get, Katie seals the deal. Katie’s majoring in education and wants to be a preschool teacher. Kam’s father is a lawyer and his mother a pediatrician. Katie and Kameron are best friends, which I already knew, and they’re what they call Irish twins nine months apart. Where Kameron is laid back and warm, Katie is excitable and outgoing. He jokes that when Katie’s at a table there’ll never be any uncomfortable silence.

  “So Kam told us that you scored a full scholarship. It just so happens that Blue has too. I guess we know how to pick them,” she jokes. I laugh, trying to cover up my discomfort. Kam takes my hand and brings it to his mouth and kisses it.

  “What’s your major?” Blue asks.

  “Computer Science, what about you?”

  “Business, safe and easy.”

  “I dig it.” He nods, giving me an easy smile before nestling his head into Katie’s neck. She lights up like a Christmas tree, and I wonder if I look like that when Kam touches me.

  “So Megan, my parents are going to be so jealous…they’re itching to know the girl who has their son wrapped around her finger,” she sings sneakily.

  “Can you be any more embarrassing?” Kam groans playfully. We all laugh, but my stomach has tightened, I’ve never met anyone’s parents before, let alone parents who love and care about their children, how it seems his would be. What if they see what Kam doesn’t—that I don’t deserve him?

  “The Davis’ are really cool,” Blue offers, tossing a piece of pretzel bread in his mouth.

  “Of course they are, they created us right?” Katie adds, before pecking Blue on the lips. I hope one day I’ll be able to be free and affectionate with Kam like how she is with Blue. Not constantly worrying about when it’d all eventually go wrong. A waiter appears at our table. Katie orders a chicken salad, Kam and Blue get burgers, and I get wings.

  “I think I want a drink,” Kam says, and Blue’s disinterested face lights up.

  “We drinking?” he asks enthusiastically after clapping his hands and rubbing them together.

  “Not too much,” Katie says, eying both the boys.

  “Of course not sweetheart,” Blue tells her innocently.

  Kam orders. “Can I get a rum and Coke?”

  “I’ll take what he’s having,” Blue adds matter-of-factly.

  “Fine, I’ll have a Long Island. What about you Megan?” Katie asks.

  I’ve never had more than some cheap wine and that was when me and one of the other foster kids decided to try it when our foster mom of the moment passed out and left some in the bottle.

  “Uhm…something sweet,” I tell the waitress, almost reluctantly.

  “I’ve got just the thing.” She gives a tip-worthy smile and checks all of our IDs before disappearing. The conversation goes smoothly. Once the drinks arrive, before we can put them to our lips, Katie clears her throat.

  “We’re making a toast,” she announces, lifting her glass. We all oblige her and do the same.

  “To family.” She smiles widely at Kam, then looks lovingly into Blue’s eyes. “Love,” she says, and then glances at me and Kam. I can’t fight the small smile that breaks out on my face.

  “And sex,” Blue
interjects, biting his bottom lip, and I shake the feeling of the familiarity of that action. I’m holding my breath as Kam squeezes my thigh reassuringly and chuckles. It’s so funny how Blue started off as a little closed off and bored and how his personality has begun to show more and more. The drink the waitress picked for me is a fruit punch red. The liquid is cold, and sugary-sweet with a mild hint of something I can’t quite put my finger on.

  “You like it?” Kam asks me, his eyes lingering to my lips. And I wonder if my face is turning as red as the drink.

  “Want to taste it?” I ask him, our eyes flirting with one another. He nods and before I can lift the glass to him he’s taken my lips with his. He savors my lips as if they are his favorite candy. When he pulls away, I’m breathless.

  “It’s good,” he tells me with a boyish grin, his blue eyes full of mischief. My heart starts to race. When I face the others, Katie’s smiling approvingly and Blue is grinning at us. I tuck my hair behind my ear and Kam pulls me closer to him. I feel warm, safe, and something else that I don’t recognize. My heart is speeding up and my skin is warm, but I feel full, not lacking anything for the first time in my life.

  The rest of dinner goes well and I don’t know if it’s the aid of the drink but I feel more comfortable around Katie. She’s sweet, not overbearing or snobby like how I imagined she might be. Not that I should have because it would be strange for Kam’s sister to be so different from him.

  I think Blue also made it feel a little easier being there, and also reinforced that their family doesn’t care about money or status. Kam has never flaunted his money since I’ve been around him. But the way he freely spends—easily picking up the check for dinner tonight, not having to worry about tuition, and having an apartment his parents pay for—only reinforces the fact that we grew up so differently.

  We pull up to the bar where the band is playing and there’s already people hanging out in front, music pouring out from the inside of the bar. It’s a beautiful night, almost perfect. The sky’s clear, the temperature’s amazing, and I feel light.

  Good, not a million thoughts attacking me at once. Maybe I’ll start drinking a little more if it drowns the voices out so easily.

  “You’re up for this? If not we can go do something more low key,” Kam asks before we leave the car. I lean over and press my lips softly against his. I can feel the smile spread across his face. We head to the bar hand in hand, meeting Blue and Katie halfway.

  “You guys are going to love the band, they’re totally awesome!” Blue says. I wonder what it must be like to be so excited at every moment, to have had such a good life full of pleasant memories, drunk off the remnants of the ease and joy pouring out of it. Kam has given me a glimpse of what that might be like; Katie has had an entire lifetime of it.

  “Oh Kam, Tyler wanted to go over the papers with us really quick for Uncle George. You want to see if we can get it out the way so we don’t have to come back Monday?” Kam sighs with exasperation and shrugs, looking over at me, his expression full of an apology.

  “Would you mind?” he asks regretfully.

  “Uh no, it’s fine,” I tell him, a little confused at what’s happening.

  “I won’t let it be more than fifteen minutes,” Katie promises, glancing between Blue and me.

  “It’s cool babe, we’ll grab seats,” he tells her, and she lights up like she’s just won the lottery before jumping in his arms. They share a heated kiss that makes me stare at the ground.

  “Come on Katie, let’s get this over with,” Kam says begrudgingly. We watch them disappear into the crowd.

  “Why are they looking at papers?” I ask, a little confused.

  “Oh, their uncle is co-owner of the place. He just footed the money…it’s sort of their brainchild, so to speak,” he says easily.

  “Wait so this is like their club?” I ask, a little taken aback.

  He laughs knowingly. “Something like that.”

  Wow.

  “You’ll get used to it. It took me some time, but they’re different from the rich kids here—totally down to earth, normal. Well, not normal, what the hell do I know about what normal is? But they’re not pricks. Which you probably know already. Kam’s a cool dude.”

  I nod. No, Kam isn’t a prick at all. “I used to call them the golden children.” A hint of a grin appears on his face, and he crosses his long tatted arms across his chest. His tattoos are artwork, deep and rich in color, all varying shades of blue, the lining sharp and crisp, not like the low-budget tattoos I saw growing up.

  “I can see that.” I giggle. There’s something about familiarity that makes you comfortable. Foster care was hell, and nothing I’d ever want to revisit. And I try to forget but I guess it’s what I knew and there’s something about Blue that reminds me not of it but where I came from, how I grew up…and there’s a small amount of comfort in that.

  “Their parents are really cool?” I can’t help but ask, my thoughts flirting with a glimpse of a future that I’m too scared to wish for.

  “Yeah, they’re good people. The parents, that is. The friends of the parents and uncles, etc…” He trails off and I bite my lip.

  “Kam won’t let them give you any shit though. Don’t let golden boy fool you, he doesn’t play that shit. He gets my respect. He’s a good dude.” I’m intrigued by this, as I’ve only ever seen Kam be charming, polite, and dreamy. Blue pulls out a cigarillo. “You mind before we go in?”

  “Not at all.” He lights it up.

  “Don’t tell Katie.” He winks and I smile at him conspiringly.

  “Where are you from?” he asks in between puffs, and it’s a question I usually dread, but there’s something about Blue that makes him easy to talk to. Maybe because he has an almost “I don’t give a shit attitude” but it makes me feel like he wouldn’t judge anyone. I really don’t know if he’s anything like me. He could be the rich kid of some bad ass rockstar for all I know. Katie mentioned he has a scholarship but that could be from him being some sort of genius. It doesn’t necessarily mean he’s poor or middle-class, but I don’t feel like my answers would result in his pity or judgement.

  “I’ve lived in Indiana my whole life but where I’m from, I’m not sure,” I tell him with a shrug. He eyes me curiously.

  “I grew up in foster care. I never met my birth parents.”

  He nods, giving me an empathetic look, but doesn’t say anything.

  “What about you?”

  “Chicago…the shitty part, not the one you see on tourist shows.” He chuckles.

  “You look sort of familiar. We met before?” he asks, and I shake my head. I’ve met more people than I could ever name in my lifetime of bouncing from place to place but I’m sure I’d remember him if I had. He’s not the type of person you’d forget easily.

  “I don’t think so,” I tell him adamantly. He tilts his head slightly, his eyes narrowing in on me a few seconds, then shrugs.

  “Good, I was starting to think we might have fucked before.” He lets out a relieved sigh, and I can’t help but laugh, heat spreading like fire across my face.

  “That didn’t offend you, did it? I mean if we did I’m sure I’d have remembered. You’re gorgeous, but I feel like I’ve run across you before or something,” he explains.

  “No, I’m not offended. But I don’t think so. I’ve never been to Chicago and I just started going to class on campus this semester. Or maybe if you’ve been to the bookstore, I work there,” I offer. He nods and shrugs.

  “It’s not important I guess, maybe we’re just kindred spirits or something,” he jokes before we head into the club. I laugh but there’s something about what he’s said, like the tracing of an old picture, a faded thought, the echo of a daydream. Not of Blue…maybe his essence or a boy in a movie I had an old crush on once? A best friend from another life? But when Kam snakes his arms around me, my thoughts are only on him.

  “That didn’t take too long, did it?” His breath tickles my ear. He smells
so good, a clean and masculine scent wrapping around my senses.

  “No, Blue kept me company,” I tell him with a wide smile. He arches a brow and his blue eyes twinkle at me.

  “He better have,” he says, squeezing my waist and grazing my neck with his lips. I’m starting to get lost in his touch. Katie’s back as well so we make our way to the front of the stage. The band has started warming up. Excitement spreads through the place as a handsome singer with tats like Blue, but an all-American boy like Kam, starts singing. The drums and guitar start up after his crooning and the vibrations go through the entire place. We get drinks; Kam just gets a beer. I request something fruity again. This time the girl brings me a Tequila Sunrise.

  “Babe you sure you want to do that?” Kam asks me, amused. I swallow a bit of it and notice it has a much stronger taste than the red drink from earlier, but I hate to send things back.

  “Yeah, it’s fine,” I tell him with a smile.

  “I’ll help you drink it, okay?” he says playfully.

  The band is good and I could imagine their song playing on a top ten radio station. When I’m halfway through my drink the music sounds even better and the vibrations of the music feel like they’re going through my entire body. I’ve never been a dancer. I’ve never been to a bar like this for leisure. I’ve worked at them with a fake ID when I really needed money when I was younger. Like a lamb sent out with lions, I learned quickly. But that was a lifetime ago.

  I wanted to stay on this wave and enjoy every minute in Kam’s arms, leaning back against his strong chest. His hands tracing the curves of my body, his touch making me want to do things I was once terrified of happening to me without my permission. I make up my mind when he lifts me up in his arms and his lips kiss mine. I won’t sabotage this. It’s good. There are things that can happen that are good and I won’t let the past ruin whatever path Kam is taking me down. I want to live, I want him, and I don’t want another day to just pass me by. I slink my arms around his neck and pull his face closer so I can reach his ear.