by Kate Swain
“Yeah!” he was excited now. He squinted at them, leaning back in the chair. “You’re right. Why are they almost white?”
I smiled. Luckily, light and the way it interacted with various objects was something I had to study in my photography courses. I felt equipped to answer this satisfactorily.
“The leaves reflect the sunlight,” I explained. “Pine needles, like those ones, have a sort of glossy coating on them, and so do aspen leaves.” I pushed back my chair. “We could collect some and have a look.”
“Yeah,” Lucas was already pushing back his chair. “Let’s get some. They smell nice, too. Like a Christmas tree. Did you have a tree too?” he asked me, as he slipped off the chair and headed to the door.
“I didn’t,” I said succinctly. I didn’t want to think about that. I was going to forget about those last months with Dad. I mentally shut the memories away and tried to calm down. I hoped that my expression didn’t look too terrible. Lucas didn’t seem to notice anything, though – the moment we were in the hallway, he cannoned down the stairs, calling out happily.
“It’s a nice day! It didn’t rain today. We could play football, even.”
“Oh? I asked, feeling my own spirits lift as we went outside. It hadn’t rained this afternoon, but the earth was still wet and it smelled moist and fragrant. I watched as Lucas ran over to the tree, jumping to try and reach the needles. I couldn’t help being fond of the kid – he was grinning happily, his small face lighting up. I thought that, when he grew up, he would look like Matt.
Mr. Brand, I told myself. Don’t think of him in such familiar terms.
It was hard to remember to think of him as an employer. He was so kind and I trusted him absolutely. And besides, I didn’t want to think of him that way. I wanted to think of him as so much more than that.
Stop it, Tessa. You know that isn’t going to happen. Why would he be interested in you?
I drew a deep breath. I didn’t want to forget all about how stunning Mr. Brand was, but at the same time, I knew I should. It was for the best, and I wanted to do my job as best I knew how to.
“Here!” Lucas said, interrupting my thoughts. “I got some. Let’s take them inside. They feel all waxy.”
I nodded, grinning as he lifted them to his nose to sniff. “That’s exactly what I meant,” I explained. “That waxy coating they have. That’s what reflects the sunshine. The way a mirror reflects the light or how water does.”
“I see.”
I watched as he examined the needles, holding them up to his eyes closely. I smiled to myself. “We should get inside,” I remarked. “It might rain again.”
“Rain!” Lucas commented. “I hope not.”
“Let’s race inside,” I said, and he giggled.
“Hurray! One, two… Three!”
He shot up the steps, running as fast as his shorter legs would carry him. I had forgotten just how much energy small children can have because by the time I got to the top of the steps outside the apartment, I was out of breath already. I had been eating much better since I was paid my advance, but I was still suffering from a real lack of energy.
I ran over to the stove as we got in. Luckily I had turned off the plate, so the onions were okay. I frowned and hoped that it wasn’t too late to cook the thing I had decided to make. I would do a potato bake, I thought, and maybe try and do something with the chicken I had discovered in the freezer.
I heard my phone buzz and reached into my pocket to check it. It was a text from Matt. That surprised me. He never texted, and he would probably be home soon – it was almost six o’ clock.
Hi Tessa, I read. I am stuck at work with a time-consuming project. I’ll be late. Can you wait until seven? I will bring dinner and take you home. Matt.
I swallowed hard, excitement warring with fear inside me. Maybe, I thought quickly, I would be able to ask him to leave me at the corner or something. I would have to take up his offer, or I didn’t know how I was going to get back. I looked over at Lucas, who was busy drawing, his eyes focused on the scene beyond the windows.
Thank you, I texted back. That’s really kind. See you soon. Have fun at work.
I wondered as I sent the reply if that was too familiar. I went red.
“Lucas?” I said, as I glanced down at the stove-top, glad that I had not gone too far in preparing the dinner. “Your dad says he’s going to be a bit late today. He’ll be back at seven.”
“Oh.” Lucas was unperturbed, his small brow less furrowed as he looked away from the window and the tree outside it. “Daddy’s often late.”
I took this succinct observation as a fact and got back to work with the onions. I considered whether or not I should set them aside for tomorrow, but, then, tomorrow was the weekend, so I wouldn’t be here to make dinner. I scraped them into a bowl and put it on the sideboard, feeling a strange tingle in my stomach.
He was going to be back soon, and I would be having dinner alone with him, and Lucas.
“Stop it, Tessa,” I chided myself.
I didn’t have any business to be thinking about Matt like this. I was his kid’s nanny, and that was that. I had no place to be thinking anything more than professional about his father.
“Let’s do something,” Lucas said after a long moment, while I cleaned the stove and started taking racks out of the oven, ready to clean those too, just to fill up the extra time.
“What sort of something?” I asked, putting the racks back down again.
“I don’t know,” Lucas said, a mischievous grin transforming his whole face. “Something nice, though…”
I found myself smiling back. There was something absolutely irresistible about this child. I had an idea and reached to tie my hair up out of the way, gesturing with my other hand towards the sitting-room.
“Have you got some good CD’s?” I asked. “Like, oldies music, or something?”
“Oldies?” he looked confused, and I grinned.
“Let’s see what you have. Then we can dance!”
“Hurray!”
I was surprised by the alacrity with which Lucas took to the suggestion. He was quite reluctant usually, waiting for a bit of encouragement before setting out on something new or different. I saw that he was a very thoughtful soul, somebody who considered the possibilities before doing anything. I smiled to myself, watching as he went to the small pile of CDs on top of a cabinet, his gray eyes sparkling.
“Let’s do this one,” he said, pointing to a CD of music from the sixties. I wouldn’t have guessed that Matt would have something like that. I raised my eyebrow in surprise but nodded. It was some of the best music to dance to.
I took it from his eager hands, and slipped it into the CD-player, then turned it on.
“Crimson and Clover,” I sang as I danced. I hadn’t heard the song in ages! My hair was around my shoulders, and I was swaying to the music while Lucas copied me, grinning and twirling around on the spot, a small giggle accompanying his wild moves.
I started laughing, and we joined hands and started hopping around the room. The music changed, a Rock and Roll classic. I took Lucas’ hand and started teaching him.
“And then you step back, and forward, and back…”
We were giggling helplessly, and I was totally absorbed in what we were doing, so much so that I didn’t hear somebody step onto the wooden floor, not until Matt cleared his throat.
“Having a fun evening?”
I jumped, spinning around. Lucas, giggling, sat down heavily as I let go, and looked up at his father, laughing helplessly.
“We’re dancing, daddy!” he managed to explain between choking giggles. “Want to join us?”
I blushed and looked up at Matt, half-expecting him to be ticked off. We were using his CD’s, after all, and blasting music at a loud volume that the neighbors might not approve of.
When I caught his eye, though, he was grinning and he looked delighted. Happier, I thought, than I had seen him in ages.
“I see,
” he said. “And, I would love to dance,” he added, his eyes touching me in a way that made me shiver to my toes. “But first,” he added with a smile to his son. “We should eat – you know pizza has a habit of going cold fast.”
At the mention of what we were having for dinner, Lucas’ face transformed. “Pizza?” he said, and his eyes were big.
“Yes,” Mark grinned. “Pizza. It’s on the table. Your favorite,” he added, his blue eyes lit with warm humor.
“Yeah!” Lucas yelled, and ran towards the kitchen, suddenly seeming as young as his eight years. He was usually so solemn that it was hard to remember that he was actually still very small.
“Thank you for staying, Tessa,” he said, smiling down at me, blue eyes twinkling.
I found it challenging to find my voice. I cleared my throat, eventually managing it. “Thanks, Mr. Brand.”
“Please,” he said, shaking his head at me fondly. “Call me Matt. I prefer it.”
I nodded, feeling myself suddenly lightheaded. “Okay,” I said. “I’ll call you Matt.”
“Good,” he said.
I felt my body shiver as I walked beside him into the kitchen. Lucas was already at the table, one of the three boxes open in front of him, with a big grin on his face.
“That one must be yours,” he said, pointing to a box opposite him. “This one’s Daddy’s – he likes olives. Gross.” He giggled. “This is mine.”
I smiled at Matt and he smiled at me. “I hope you like basil?” he asked, as he pulled out his chair and sat down beside me.
“I love it,” I agreed.
His eyes held mine and I swallowed hard and sat down to eat the best meal I had eaten in weeks.
11
Matt
I sat down at the table, feeling like everything was just a little bit amazing and out-of-the-ordinary. Here I was, sitting at the kitchen table, with Lucas and with the most stunning woman I had seen in ages beside me. I breathed in the scent of food and warmth and felt my own heart fill with a sweet peace.
“This is good,” Lucas said, munching contentedly. He had cheese on his face and I tried not to smile, reaching over with a napkin to wipe it away. He pulled his head back, giggling as if it were a game. I looked up to find Tessa’s eyes watching us.
“One can’t help making a bit of a mess with cheese,” I grinned. Lucas giggled too, watching her shyly.
“Indeed,” she replied, wiping furtively at her own chin, which had some juices running down it. I took a deep breath. I had to ignore the urge to reach out and touch her.
Damn it. What the hell has gotten into me?
I shut my eyes, recalling for a moment how Tessa and Lucas had been dancing. I had not seen my son having so much fun for ages. He was so carefree! I felt my heart soften and I hoped nobody would notice the wistful look on my face.
It was like a family.
I shut my eyes, feeling instantly disloyal. How could I even think a thing like that? Tessa was a great girl and a great nanny. I was attracted to her, a lot, and I couldn’t deny that, not even to myself. But I shouldn’t be thinking about anybody else in Amy’s space.
I looked away.
As if she had sensed something bothered me, Tessa shifted in her seat. I looked up to find her green eyes watching me, wary and hesitant. I found my own eyes locked with hers. In that moment, the roof could have dropped on my head and I would not have even noticed.
I heard Lucas shifting in the seat opposite – it creaks slightly, something to do with the back leg that I ought to have had fixed up years ago. I looked up suddenly to find my son looking across at us with a puzzled look on his face. I went pink.
“Good pizza, huh?” I said to him quickly.
“Yeah,” he nodded. “You got my favorite.”
I glanced sideways at Tessa. I had chosen one with fresh leaves of basil on it – it seemed like something she would like. I noticed she had almost finished her dinner already. It made me smile, but also added to that anxious sense that all was not okay for her.
The fact that everyone else had almost finished eating made me get my head down and focus on finishing my meal.
When we were done, Lucas slid sleepily out of his seat – it was seven-thirty already, and his bedtime was approaching. I glanced over at Tessa, who had already piled the empty boxes up and was about to take them to the trash outside.
“It’s okay,” I said swiftly, taking them from her. “I’ll sort that out. I want to take you back home now but, is it okay if I put Lucas to bed quick?”
She looked up at me as if she wondered how I could even ask such a question. Then she nodded. “Sure. And let me tidy up then, right? It’ll only take a minute or two.” She took the boxes back from me, and I noticed a naughty glint in her eye. I felt myself grin and looked away, breathlessly.
Keep your wits about you, Matt, I told myself harshly. This was not the time to get carried away.
If I let her see how attracted I was to her, then she might not trust me. And if she stopped trusting me, then she would probably go away and I’d have to start all over again finding a new nanny. Besides, I thought with a twist of my heart, I liked her too much to risk losing her at this point.
I went over to Lucas and lifted him up, supporting his small body with a hip. He clung onto me sleepily and I wrapped my arms around him and felt my heart twist in an entirely different way.
“Sleepy, huh?” I whispered into his hair.
“Yes,” he replied, and clung more firmly to my t-shirt.
I grinned and carried him to his bedroom.
“So,” I said, sitting him down on the bed. “You had a long day, didn’t you?”
“It was fun,” he said, starting to take off his socks and shoes. “I had fun with Tessa. We danced.”
I nodded. “I know. She’s nice, isn’t she?”
He looked up at me with those big round eyes. “Yes.”
I swallowed hard. This was really tough. I was as fond of the new nanny as he was – just in a different way. I desperately didn’t want to scare her away. I didn’t know what to say, and so I waited until he’d got undressed and slipped his pajamas on, then curled up in bed.
“Goodnight, son,” I whispered, bending down to give him a goodnight hug. “Sleep well. See you in the morning.”
It was the same thing I always said. I let my breath out in a sigh and my son clung to me for a moment.
“Goodnight, Daddy. See you tomorrow.”
I leaned back against the wall, gently extracting myself from his tight grip. It was the same way we said goodnight every time.
When he was tucked up in bed and warm, I turned out the light and tiptoed downstairs.
“He’s almost asleep,” I whispered to Tessa as I came into the kitchen.
She nodded. “Good. He was very sleepy this evening.”
“He was.” I smiled. “He was tired out after all the fun and games.”
“Sorry,” Tessa said, making a small frown. “I guess I got a bit carried away. I forget how young he is sometimes.”
“Not at all,” I said, quite shocked that she would even think that. “It was so great to see him like that! I’d forgotten he could laugh so much. He’s very quiet usually.”
Tessa nodded. She reached for her coat, and there was an awkward moment as I held it out for her. It felt so intimate, so much as if she and I were together. I watched as she shrugged it over her shoulders and then turned to face me.
Those green eyes met mine and I found myself bending forward to kiss her. It was so automatic that it was only when she bent down to pick up her handbag from the back of the chair that I realized what I had done. I shut my eyes for a moment, wondering what the heck I had been thinking.
“Let’s go,” I said. “I’ll get the car.”
“Thank you,” Tessa said softly.
Neither of us looked at each other as we went to the car and got in.
I drove to the main road in silence.
“Where do we go from here?
” I asked her as we stopped at the intersection, waiting for the light.
“We go left,” she said, and then left again, and then right.”
“There?” I was surprised. It wasn’t exactly a very nice part of town, the place she was describing we should go. It had some old hotels and stores, and some low-income accommodation, but it was far from pleasant – a dirty, worn-out section of the town – nor was it safe; not after it had gone dark.
“Yes.”
Her voice was hard and it brooked no argument. I stiffened and nodded.
“Okay.”
We drove the route she had described in silence.
“Sorry,” she said as we neared the corner where she had asked me to let her off. “I just… this isn’t exactly the way I feel comfortable living.”
“I understand,” I said.
I wanted to ask her more, but we had arrived at the corner, and she reached for her handbag, fastening her jacket up to the neck against the frosty wind. She looked up at me and I looked back.
Before I knew what I was doing, she had leaned a little forward as I did myself and our lips touched. It wasn’t exactly a kiss, just a gentle brushing of my lips onto hers. But it made me take a deep breath, my heart tightening and my eyes shutting firmly.
Her lips were soft and warm and moist, and I ached to slip my tongue between them and deepen the kiss, to crush that warm, soft body against my own and hold her tight. I longed to stroke her hair and hold her and for her to trust me and tell me all the thigs that distressed her so much.
She looked up at me and I could see fear and doubt in her eyes, along with a strange look that I wasn’t sure how to interpret. It could have been anticipation or excitement, but I couldn’t imagine that it was so.
“Sorry,” I whispered, but I don’t think she heard me. She got out of the car, shutting the door behind her.
“Goodnight. See you tomorrow,” she called as she closed it.
“Goodnight,” I called back softly. She was already almost gone, just a blur in the street, heading for the doorway of an old hotel.
I waited until she had gone inside, and then I drove away, pulling back into the traffic and wondering what the hell just happened and how I was going to move forward from now.
