by Kate Swain
I smiled to myself, and I was pleased when she smiled back. She looked relaxed and happy and I loved seeing her like that, with her eyes soft and gentle.
I wanted to stay where I was, just lying beside her with my head resting gently on her leg, feeling her breath and feeling the warmth of her satisfaction. But I also wanted more, my cock aching to be inside her. I looked up at her. She sat up and slowly undressed and I stared as her lacy bra became evident and then her round, firm breasts were before me.
I stared at her breasts, with their round pink nipples and the pale skin that was touched softly by the light. I felt my body responding and I leaned forward, wanting to kiss that soft skin, to touch it with my lips.
She looked up at me teasingly, and I realized that I had not taken my clothes off at all. I stood up and felt my cheeks flush with heat as I started to unbutton my shirt. I liked the feeling of her eyes on me, but I was also shy as I let my shirt fall to the floor, showing my arms and chest.
I glanced over at the bed and found her eyes lingering over my body interestedly. I felt my cheeks flare and I had to smile.
“I should try to hurry up,” I said, unbuttoning my jeans as I became aware of how much my body was responding to her. She raised one brow, not doing me the mercy of looking away as I tried to pull my underpants over the growing bulge.
When I turned back to her, she was smiling generously. I felt my body light up as I lay down beside her and to my surprise she drew me against her, pressing her body to mine.
I couldn’t hold back anymore. My lips pressed to hers and I rolled onto her, loving the way her hard breasts felt against my chest. I looked down at her, gently stroking her cheek with my fingers. She looked so alive and lovely in that moment, her eyes glowing and beautiful as she looked up at me.
I whispered her name and she smiled and reached for me and I felt like I was welcomed back to myself, back to a home I had forgotten existed. I held her against me and gently my knee slid between hers and my cock moved into her.
She gasped and cried out and her hands tightened on my back and I couldn’t hold back anymore as my body pushed into hers and for a moment it felt so intense, so good, as if I had never known anything or done anything as good or as right as this.
I gasped and pushed into her again and when I looked down at her face her eyes were shut but she was smiling, her lips twisted in a generous warmth. I felt that spark into my body again and I sighed and pushed in further.
As we moved, I felt the rhythm starting to build inside me. I was unable to hold back or control myself anymore, unable to do anything or feel anything or see anything except how wonderful it was to be inside her.
Before I knew what was happening or I could think of anything or try to stop, I felt myself collapse on top of her. My body was pulsing and moving but my mind was elsewhere. I gasped and held her tight.
She sighed and rolled over and I held her against me and felt myself relaxing in ways I hadn’t thought were still possible for me. I held her close and my heart melted and I kissed her. She lay close beside me.
“Tessa,” I whispered. She smiled and rolled over and lay beside me.
I stroked her hair and she lay against me and I wrapped my arm around her, her warm skin soft under my hand. I lay like that, knowing that my heart was full in ways I had forgotten it could be. Knowing that this was more than my body being satisfied – although it was certainly more than good enough on its own. I was falling for her and I knew that I was. I wondered again, as she snuggled against my side, what was happening in her life.
She sighed and nestled against me and I realized in that moment that I was lying next to a woman with whom I had just made love without using any form of protection.
I considered asking her about that – whether or not she was using any kind of protection – but she was almost asleep and I didn’t want to disturb her or worry her. We could talk about that problem tomorrow. There were always pills she could take in the morning.
I kissed her and was surprised by the depth of feeling inside my heart.
I was tired too, I realized – satisfied and warm and tired – and before long I too was drifting slowly off to sleep.
14
Tessa
I opened my eyes, my dream dissolving into shards of glass and blood. It was the same dream I had the other night – the one about the men running after me. This time, though, they cornered me in an apartment, and I couldn’t get away.
I looked around. It was dark. I reached out to find my phone on the bedside table, but my hand connected with nothing. I froze. Where was I? I opened my eyes wider, and caught sight of a sliver of light coming through the window. Somewhere out there was a street-lamp, where there usually wasn’t one. I sat up, frightened, and getting my bearings. Then my eyes fell on the man sleeping next to me.
I remembered where I was as suddenly as I had forgotten. I was in Matt’s room, in his bed and we had just made love. He sat up slowly.
“Are you okay?” he murmured, reaching for my hand. “What’s wrong? Do you have to go?”
I frowned. “I do,” I murmured, the presence of his body so close to me making me want to stay terribly. “I think that I should,” I added, as he reached for me and my body melted against his again. “I don’t think it would help matters with Lucas if I was here when he woke up.”
“I guess,” Matt said, frowning up at me. I resisted the urge to kiss him. “He would be disturbed by it.”
“Yeah.”
I stayed where I was, reluctant to move. Here, I felt so right. He was beside me and my world, for the moment at least, was wonderful. When I left I would miss him horribly.
He sighed and kissed my hand. It was a gesture that melted my heart. “I’ll drive you home?” he said softly.
I tensed. I didn’t want to have to agree to that, but it was the only option I had. The bus had stopped running long ago, and taxis were too expensive.
“Thank you,” I whispered.
He looked up at me as if he wondered what the heck had gotten into me. “Of course, I will,” he said, reaching for me and kissing my cheek again. “I couldn’t do anything else.”
I smiled at him fondly. He was sweet in a way that very few people I had ever met in the world were: caring, tender, gentle.
“Thanks,” I said.
I looked at my phone when I found it in the pocket of my jeans – it said it was midnight. My stomach twisted sharply. I was going to have to wake up at six-thirty tomorrow, so I wouldn’t mind getting more rest. I ran my fingers through my hair, then realized I was naked and he was staring at me.
He smiled, but there was sadness in his eyes as he looked at me. It occurred to me, belatedly as I put on my clothes that he felt something like I did.
“Ready?” he said when I was dressed. I hadn’t noticed that he’d been getting dressed too; at least that he had put on his jeans. I nodded.
“Let’s go.”
We drove back to my place in silence. The road was empty, or more so than it was by day, and the drive was much faster. We were both subdued, and I could feel my body yearning for his as we drove. I wondered if he was feeling the same thing.
“Are you sure you’re alright?” he asked as I slipped out of the seat. “I mean if it’s safe here? I’ll walk you in?”
“I’m fine,” I said hastily, touched by his concern. We hardly knew each other – he had no reason to care so much. And yet, I knew, I felt the same way. If anything was going to harm him, I would want to save him from harm as well.
“Only if you’re sure.”
I smiled, displaying a confidence I didn’t experience. The neighborhood really was dangerous at this time of night, and I was fairly sure that one day those thugs would find me. They’d threatened too enough, anyway.
“I’m fine,” I said softly.
He sighed. “Goodnight, then.” He reached out and, before I could stop him, he lifted my hand to his lips, kissing it.
I shut my eyes and gri
pped his hand in my own, squeezing it gently. I lifted it and pressed it to my lips. Then, before I could change my mind, I got out of the car completely and walked away.
“Goodnight,” he called to me.
“Goodnight.”
I turned around and made myself walk back to the hotel. When I got inside, I ran up the steps and to my room, unlocked it, pushed open the door and switched on the lights, heart pounding. When I ascertained nobody was there, I shut the door behind me, locking it firmly.
One good thing about the room being so tiny was that I could be sure from the doorway that nobody was hiding. Not even the wardrobe was big enough for an intruder to hide in, I thought, chuckling weakly as I sat down on the bed.
I sighed as I thought about how much had happened in one night. I couldn’t quite believe it. The thoughts of Matt filled my mind, my body still tingling after all the things we had done together.
“I didn’t think that would happen!”
I felt my cheeks heat up. I couldn’t quite believe what had happened, even though the first time we had met, it had been clear that there was a special feeling between us. I had always wanted him, if I was honest with myself.
I had never thought that he might want me too.
I stood up, aware that it was late and I should probably go to bed. I couldn’t really think of sleep, though. My mind was full of a million thoughts and feelings, none of which I could let go of easily. I shrugged out of my clothes and stepped into the small shower.
It felt bad, washing Matt’s scent off me. I thought of him, smiling as I remembered how he had touched me, how he had been inside me.
I dried myself off, recalling how his hands felt on my body, how gentle and yet how aroused his touch had been as he held me, as he ran his hands down my skin, his lips following his touch in a way that had lit fire in me.
“That was amazing.”
I sat down on the bed, then snuggled in under the sheets, which, mercifully, were clean – it was bad enough having to sleep without a nightie without having to contend with dirty bed-linen. I shut my eyes.
Images of the night flooded back through my mind, slow and sweet. I recalled the way Matt had kissed me, the feeling of his hands, the sincerity of his words when he expressed care for me. I winced. He was feeling close to me like I was to him.
And I had no idea if I would even be alive that much longer.
I shuddered, the dream-images flooding back, spoiling the happy feelings that were flooding through me. I wished that I could know that I was safe. But I was anything but.
I recalled Matt’s words to me earlier – the ones about not promising Lucas things I didn’t know.
I didn’t even know if I would live to see the month.
I rolled over, feeling frustrated and helpless. Was I being fair, even considering a relationship with Matt, considering working with Lucas, and making a relationship with him too, as a caregiver and adult friend, when I didn’t even know if I would live?
I could die, like his mother, and leave them both alone.
“Go to sleep, stupid brain,” I told myself firmly. It wasn’t going to help anything or change anything if I lay here all night worrying about problems I wouldn’t be able to fix. If I could stop my father’s killers from coming after me, I would have done it.
I got up after five minutes, cramped and stiff, and went through into the bathroom. I poured myself some water and drank it. The mirror showed me a weary young woman with blue rings under her eyes from lack of sleep, and I shook my head.
“You need sleep.”
I had no idea if I was going to be able to get any sleep or not, but I would have to try.
I must have been more weary than I thought, because I woke up to my alarm going off loudly and oblivious to my suffering. I got up and groaned as I stretched, every part of me stiff and sore.
“Come on, you.” I talked to myself harshly. During the night, very little had clarified, and now that I was on my way to work I was apprehensive, too. I didn’t know how well I would be received there.
“He likes you,” I told my reflection. I had bought some cheap make-up with my payment – Matt had decided to pay me on a weekly basis, which meant that I was able to live week by week – something very reassuring for me. I put my head on one side, admiring what the red lipstick could do for me.
“Not bad,” I told myself, feeling my cheeks redden. I didn’t look too bad. I recalled the way he had looked at me so admiringly and I felt better. I was fairly sure Matt liked me and that he was starting to care for me.
Which, as I had been thinking all night, brought its own worries. I didn’t want to think about it, as it wasn’t exactly like I could just change jobs because I wanted to. I had to stay with Matt and Lucas. I just had to hope that I could survive. I had more to worry about than just myself now.
“Damn it, stop worrying already,” I told my reflection firmly. I was wearing a new shirt – a white one with green spots on it – and my jeans. I thought I looked good even if I was a little weary. I just had to have breakfast and then leave for work.
I made myself a sandwich in my room – it was too early to go down to the dining-room – and then by seven-thirty, I was on the way.
I took the bus to work through medium-heavy traffic. I was still wondering what I was going to do when I saw Matt, but when I got there he had already gone, and I only had Lucas to greet me.
“Hello, Tessa! How are you?”
“Happy,” I said, lifting Lucas up and swinging him around, making him giggle. “And you?”
“Me too!” he yelled, his cheery laugh filling the hallway as I tickled him and set him on his stocky legs again. I watched him reach up to take his scarf and hat from the peg and I realized that I loved him already, and that I never, ever wanted anything to happen that would do him or Matt harm.
I had to figure out a solution for my own danger. Fast.
15
Matt
I leaned back for a moment, looking down at the bike we were working on. It was painted blue. I was supposed to be picking out the details in yellow, and the job seemed to be going kind of well, if my own handiwork was anything to go by. It was Tuesday, and I really should have finished it yesterday, when I started the work.
I was surprised it was going well, because my mind was anywhere but on the job. It was about ten miles away, to be precise, at my home. I couldn’t stop thinking about Tessa. I had missed seeing her yesterday morning, and this morning I had barely spoken to her. She had been quiet, not quite meeting my eye.
I felt like a fool.
“Looking good,” my brother Mark said.
I looked up, barely focused. “Thanks,” I said.
Mark frowned at me. “You sleeping?” he asked. His lean, handsome face was lined with concern. I shrugged.
“I slept,” I said.
I bent down to my work again, reluctant to talk about my worries. I felt, for some strange reason, as if Mark would misunderstand my relationship with Tessa. Actually, it was hard for me to understand it sometimes. I dipped my brush in solvent to clean it, reaching for another color of paint. As I did so, my mind flashed back to the evening I had spent with Tessa.
Her hands, her hair, her body. Those beautiful eyes, watching me. The taste of her mouth. Her touch.
I didn’t understand anything of what had happened, myself. I was overwhelmed. I had never actually felt like this about a woman before. Not since…
Not since Amy.
I couldn’t bear to think about it, but it was true. The only person I had ever felt this instant connection with, was my wife Amy. I had never thought I would feel anything like that again. And, if I thought about it, I wasn’t feeling anything like what I felt for Amy. This was as intense, but nevertheless different.
Amy was sweet and gentle. Tessa is…
I searched for the right word to describe her. Tessa was strong, independent, vulnerable, scared. Tessa was untamed.
I let out a deep breath. She
was like nobody I knew, and it was unsurprising, then, that the way I felt for her was like nothing I had ever felt.
I dipped my brush into the yellow paint again, moving to pick out a detail that I had missed earlier. It was precise, fine work and I was glad for the distraction from my thoughts. I was more confused than I had ever been in my life. I felt guilty, I felt overwhelmed. I felt awake, enlivened in ways I had not for ages.
I finished the paint and went to move onto another job – a simple one which involved checking the tire pressure and oil – a general check I could have done when I was just twelve years old. I sighed and went to fetch my tools.
“Matt?” Mark said, as I bent to take off the cap over the valve. “Matt?”
“Yeah?” I was half-asleep, reaching for the pressure-gauge when I noticed it looked weird and I noticed Mark was frowning at me like I had just lit up like a candle on the Christmas tree.
“Matt…” he frowned. “You noticed that’s the wrong pump, right?”
I sighed, shaking my head. “No,” I admitted. “I didn’t.”
Mark bent down to look at me. He glanced around the workshop, and I noticed that, besides Adam, hovering in the doorway and cleaning oil off his boots with a bucket, we were alone in here.
“Matt,” he whispered. “I’ve noticed you’re not yourself at the moment. What’s going on right now?”
I bit my lip, looking at my hands. “Mark,” I said slowly. “It’s nothing. Just stress, and stuff…no problem…” I didn’t want to have to tell him about Tessa, and I especially didn’t want him worrying about me.
“Matt, stop it,” Mark said, and I could hear how serious he was. “I know you – I’ve known you since we were born.”
I smiled. Of all people in the world, Mark could get through to me like nobody else. He had been my rock of support for my whole life. And he was absolutely right – there was no point at all in hiding stuff from him.
“Mark,” I said, and gestured him closer so that nobody else could hear us. “Mark, I’m sleeping with Tessa.”
