A Hole in My Heart

by E. L. Todd

  “Slut,” I mumbled under my breath.

  She swatted my arm. “Coming from the girl about to spend the week with a fuck machine.”

  “He’s not a fuck machine,” I said defensively. “He’s a lot more than that.”

  “Touchy touchy…”

  A knock on the door ended our conversation.

  “Looks like your ride is here.” Marie opened the door and saw Hawke on the other side. He wore running shorts, a t-shirt, and his aviators. He looked beautiful…like always. “Hey.” Marie gave him a cold welcome.

  “Hi.” He stepped inside and immediately moved to my side. Then he flexed his arms dramatically. “Your strong man is here to move your things.”

  I grabbed his bicep and squeezed it playfully. It was solid like concrete. I tried to hide the dreamy look on my face. “Get to it. Everything is in my room.”

  “Yes, Muffin Girl.” He squeezed my side playfully before he walked down the hallway. I stared at his toned ass in his shorts. It was so nice I wanted to take a bite out of it. I fantasized about seeing his naked body when I felt a hard stare burning into my skin.

  Marie was giving me the stink-eye.

  “What?” I asked innocently.

  “Friends my ass.” She marched down the hallway into her bedroom then slammed the door.

  She could be so dramatic.

  Hawke walked past me carrying most of my things. I went into my bedroom then retrieved everything else. I didn’t need his help moving. I just needed transportation. My Volkswagen couldn’t fit everything I needed, but the bed of his truck could.

  I made it outside then placed everything in the back.

  “I’m surprised you could carry that.” He was looking at the box full of pots, pans, and baking containers.

  “It’s not that heavy.”

  “You’re lying.”

  What did it matter? “I can carry my own shit. I don’t need you to help me. All I asked for was your truck.”

  He raised his hands in surrender. “Whoa, Muffin. I was just trying to pay you a compliment.”

  “You didn’t do it right, Bird Boy.”

  Both of his eyebrows raised above his sunglasses. “What did you just call me?”

  “Bird Boy.”

  He still looked confused.

  “Because your name is Hawke.”

  He pressed his lips tightly together like he was trying not to laugh. “Good one.” He got into the driver’s seat and started the engine. When I reached the passenger side, the window was rolled down. “Follow me.”

  I didn’t like being told what to do. It just rubbed me the wrong way. He didn’t command me to do anything but it still came off as bossy. “Fine.” I started to walk away.

  “Muffin.”

  I growled then returned to the window. “What?”

  “You packed lots of panties, right? Because I want to see them on that beautiful ass of yours.” He had a cocky grin on his face, like he didn’t give a damn if I knew if he was joking or not.

  “Go to hell.” I walked back to my car. I barely heard his final words over the sound of his engine.

  “If you come with me.”

  ***

  I fit most of my things in his room, and the extra stuff was moved to the hallway closet. His apartment wasn’t tiny, but it wasn’t made for more than two people.

  He had leather sofas, a large TV, and a kitchen table. The place was pretty bare, but that’s what I expected from a guy who lived alone. His bedroom was fairly clean. I just hoped he washed the sheets before I came over. Who knows who was in there the night before.

  I stirred the pot on the stove when Hawke came into the kitchen. He only had a towel around his waist because he just got out of the shower. He smelled clean and fresh. Water droplets glistened on his chest before they slid down.

  I tried not to stare.

  “What smells so good?” he asked as he stood beside me.

  You. “Uh…masala sauce.” I kept my gaze focused on the pot.

  “Hmm…what does it go on?”

  “Chicken. It’s in the oven.”

  He peeked through the glass and saw the chicken baking. Then he stood upright again. “You want to live here forever?” He said it with absolute seriousness.

  I rolled my eyes. “So I can cook for you all the time?”

  “Honestly, I didn’t even know the oven worked.”

  “What do you eat around here?”

  “Protein shakes, cereal, and sandwiches.”

  “Sounds healthy.”

  He patted his flat stomach. “You tell me.”

  I stirred the pot just so I had something to do. Knowing he was shirtless was incredibly distracting. I wanted to stare at him and really appreciate the sight. But I didn’t want to openly gawk at him either. “Get ready and dinner will be done.”

  “I am ready.”

  “Get rid of the towel.”

  “Okay.” He dropped it on the floor.

  I flinched when I realized what he just did. “You know what I meant.”

  “Actually, I did exactly what you told me to do.” He gave me that arrogant grin that I hated and loved at the same time.

  “Pick it up and cover yourself with it. Then go in your room and get dressed. Do exactly as I say.” I refused to look down at his goods even though I really wanted to.

  “Come on, take a peek. He’s excited to see you.”

  I turned my focus back to the pot so he wouldn’t see my red cheeks. “If I’d known I was going to be sexually assaulted, I would have stayed elsewhere.”

  He sighed then picked up the towel. “Alright, Muffin.” He secured it around his waist before he walked down the hallway.

  When I knew he was really gone, I released the air from my lungs. It took all my strength not to look, and now I regretted not taking a peek. Maybe I would run into him on accident sometime and get a glimpse then.

  Actually, I shouldn’t be thinking about seeing him naked at all.

  Hawke came back into the room a moment later. “I’m back—fully clothed.”

  “Thank you.”

  “Since you’re going to be living here for a while, I feel like I should tell you about Naked Wednesdays.”

  I tried not to laugh. “Oh yeah?”

  “Yep. All day is naked time.”

  I finished preparing dinner and placed it on a platter. “Well, I’ll make sure I work a double on Wednesday.”

  He sat down at the kitchen table. “Man, having a girl roommate is so boring.”

  I set the table then sat across from him. “What were you expecting? Girls Gone Wild?”

  He shrugged. “It wouldn’t have hurt.” He grabbed his fork and took a bite. His expression changed into one of satisfaction. “Damn, this is good, Muffin.”

  “Thank you.”

  He kept eating. “It’s so tender. Whenever I make stuff, I just burn it.”

  “You don’t say.”

  He ate everything on his plate then scarfed down the wine like water. “That’s the best dinner I’ve ever had.”

  “Your mom didn’t cook for you?”

  The mention of his family made him noticeably stiffen. “Not as well as you.” He rose from the table and gathered the plates and immediately began washing them in the sink.

  “What are you doing?”

  “The dishes. What does it look like I’m doing?”

  I’d never seen a guy voluntarily help around the house. Yaya had to threaten to spank Axel to get him to do anything. “At least your mom taught you to clean up after yourself.”

  He stacked everything in the dishwasher then turned it on. “Thank you for dinner.”

  “You’re welcome.” He joked around sometimes, but underneath that persona, he was very sweet.

  “When are you going to do my laundry?” The smile in his eyes told me he was kidding.

  “I’d throw your clothes out the window before I would resort to that.”

  “I guess I’ll hide my clothes then…” />
  I left the table and joined him in the kitchen. “So…do you need to work?” He usually went to the coffee shop and worked on his stuff there but he was home today.

  “I’ll do it later.”

  “You don’t have to baby me. I understand you have things to do.”

  “Baby you?” He released a faint chuckle. “You aren’t the kind of girl that needs to be babied.”

  I crossed my arms over my chest.

  “Want to watch TV? The Yankees are playing.”

  I stuck my tongue out at him.

  “Hey, they’re a good team.”

  “Full of traitors.”

  He rolled his eyes. “I’m sick of hearing this…I’m watching it. You can either watch it with me or go bake something.”

  “You’d like that, wouldn’t you?”

  He shrugged. “It wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.”

  ***

  After I brushed my teeth, washed my face, and changed into my pajamas, I walked into his bedroom. The bed was made like it was done by a professional, and a clean towel had been placed on the dresser.

  “The door locks.” Hawke came up behind me and showed me the door handle. “If that helps you sleep better.”

  “Why would that help me sleep better?” It was an odd thing to say.

  He held my gaze and his eyes changed noticeably. A million thoughts went through his mind but all I saw was a blur. “Some people are just like that.” He turned away like he didn’t want me to see his face. “Good night.”

  “Wait.”

  Hawke turned back around. “Yeah?”

  “You should get the bed. You’re the one who lives here.”

  His eyebrows scrunched up in protest. “No. You’re my guest.”

  “I’m not going to put you on the couch for a week. I’m the one crashing here.” That didn’t sound fair to me. “Honestly, I don’t mind.”

  “Well, I do.” He challenged me with his look. “Now shut up and go to sleep.”

  “Shut up?” I crossed my arms over my chest and gave him a fiery look. “I’m not going to do something just because you tell me to. So, you shut up.”

  Instead of being irritated, there was a smile in his eyes. He seemed amused more than anything else. “The only way I’m sleeping in that bed is if you sleep in it with me.”

  “Look how that turned out…”

  Mischief was written all over his face. “It’s a king so we can both fit easily. I’m not compromising on this. I either take the couch or we both take the bed. The ball is in your court, Muffin.”

  “Fine.” I turned to the bed. “You won’t even notice I’m there. I sleep on one side and never move.”

  “You’re acting like I’ve never slept with you before.”

  “But that was only for a few hours.” I pulled the sheets back and examined them closely. “They’re clean, right?”

  “Brand new, actually.” He moved to his dresser and pulled his shirt off. “You mind if I sleep in my boxers?”

  “Uh…”

  He removed his shorts then stood in the center of the room. He was the perfect specimen of a man. He was all muscle and all power. And he had a beautiful face to top it off. But right now, he was smiling like he knew he had something to smile about. “Great.” He moved between the sheets and took the right side.

  Still dumbfounded, I lay down and pulled the covers over me. The second my back hit the mattress, I released a moan. “Man, this is comfortable.”

  “A good night’s sleep is important to me.”

  “How do you get out of bed in the morning?” I turned over and sighed happily.

  “Sometimes I don’t.” He stared up at the ceiling with a distant look in his eyes.

  I turned his way and watched his face. “Thanks for letting me stay with you.”

  That ghostly smile spread across his lips. “You’re doing me more favors. I haven’t had a home-cooked dinner like that…in a long time.”

  “You could just learn to cook yourself.”

  “Nah. It’s a woman’s job.”

  “Whoa…” I propped myself up on my elbow. “Excuse me?”

  He grinned without looking at me. “It’s so easy to get you fired up. It’s fun.”

  I grabbed my pillow and smacked him with it.

  He held up his arm like it didn’t bother him in the least. “You’re so proud. It’s cute.”

  “Cute?” I lowered the pillow.

  “Yeah. Cute like a muffin.” He turned his eyes on me, and the sincerity shined in his gaze. “You hold on to what you believe, whereas everyone else instantly changes their beliefs once they meet someone with a different opinion. Instead of waiting for a man to take care of you, you take care of yourself. It’s nice to be around an independent woman for once. You don’t take shit from anybody, and you have more goals in life than just to settle down and get married.”

  I hadn’t realized just how well he understood me until then. He understood all my qualities as well as my flaws. Most men were intimidated by my no-bullshit attitude. But Hawke was man enough not to care. “There are a lot of girls like me out there. You just need to look harder.”

  “Where?” he asked. “Are they hiding under rocks? You don’t understand just how special you are.” He turned his gaze back to the ceiling.

  I lay down and looked into the darkness of his room. “Well…thanks. I thought I annoyed you most of the time.”

  A deep laugh emerged from the back of his throat. “I wouldn’t share this bed with you if you annoyed me. I’m a huge dick, so if you’re being annoying, I’ll tell you how it is.”

  “You aren’t a dick,” I said automatically. “When have you ever been a dick?”

  “I’m a dick in ways you don’t know about.” His meaning hung in the air.

  I turned on my side and placed both of my hands under my cheek. The window was behind him, and some moonlight filtered through. I could distinguish some of his features. He had nice cheekbones and a strong jaw. His chest rose and fell at a regular pace. His eyes were open but he wasn’t looking at anything in particular.

  Staying on my side of the bed was becoming more difficult with every passing minute. I didn’t want to be separated by a few feet of space. I wanted him, but in a way I couldn’t explain. I detected pain emanating from every part of his body. It was like a high-pitched song only I could hear.

  Finally, I pulled myself across the bed and into his side. Like he’d been thinking the same thing, he opened his arms and pulled me tight against his chest. He held me like he’d wanted to do it for a long time. His body pivoted toward mine, and he pulled my leg over his waist. We were hooked around each other like lovers after a passionate evening.

  Hawke stared into my eyes like he was searching for something. He understood exactly what my affection meant. There was never a moment of misunderstanding. And it seemed like it was all he wanted too—nothing more. There was a definite connection between us but I couldn’t explain what it was. It wasn’t just physical, and it wasn’t just romantic. There was so much more there, but I couldn’t verbalize it.

  Hawke eventually closed his eyes and released a quiet sigh like he was immediately falling asleep. He seemed more at peace than he had all day. If anything, it seemed like this was exactly what he needed but was too afraid to ask for.

  Darkness

  Hawke

  I loved having Francesca around.

  She cooked dinner for me every night, and it was nice to have something besides Top Ramen. She told me about her day, and I didn’t just watch her lips move. I hung on to every word she said. Most of the time, I couldn’t remember anything a girl said besides, “Fuck me.”

  And she listened to everything I had to say. When she asked me about my day, it seemed like she really wanted to know. The second she walked through the door, she had a smile on her face like she was happy to see me. And when we slept together, we never stayed on our sides of the bed. Our bodies wrapped around each other like we ne
ver wanted to let go.

  Our relationship was unusual, and if I told anyone about it, they wouldn’t understand. She was just my friend, but she was so much more than that. But she wasn’t my girlfriend either. My heart seemed to beat in tune to hers. She understood me at a level no one else ever had. And the weirdest part was…I didn’t even need to tell her about myself.

  She just knew.

  I wasn’t sure what was going on anymore. All I knew was I liked having her around and I never wanted it to end. If I just kept things the way they were, I could always have her. When she told me she went on dates, it bothered me. But I couldn’t think that way. I went out and did my own thing so I didn’t have any right to be hurt.

  I knew I cared about her—and I didn’t just want to fuck her.

  Sure, that would be nice. But other things stole my focus, like talking over dinner and screaming at the TV during a baseball game. It somehow healed me…fixed me.

  When I came home from work, she was already in the kitchen. “What are you making now?” I set my bag by the door and loosened my tie.

  “Lasagna.”

  “Ooh…sounds good.” I felt like we were a married couple in the fifties. I wanted to walk over to her and give her a kiss. But I wasn’t stupid enough to do that. “I’m going to take a shower.”

  “It’ll be out by the time you’re finished.”

  After I showered and dried my hair with a towel, I changed into shorts and a t-shirt and entered the kitchen.

  She was seated at the table, texting on her phone.

  “I’m not naked this time.”

  She grinned before she looked up at me. “Thank you. I didn’t want to throw up my dinner.”

  “Like you would have thrown up.” I sat across from her. “You would have grabbed your phone and taken a picture.”

  She pressed her lips tightly together like she was trying not to laugh. “You must be pretty well-endowed down there to talk like that…”

  “Very.” I held her gaze as I said it. Most girls wanted to screw me for that reason alone. “Would you like to see for yourself?”

  “Maybe some other time.” She dug into her food and her phone lit up. She checked it before she quickly set it down.

  I took a bite and immediately loved it. “This is awesome.”

  “Thanks.” She smiled every time I gave her a compliment like she really appreciated it. Her phone went off again and she checked it. This time, she turned it off.