A Hole in My Heart

by E. L. Todd

  He laughed again. “Possessive…another new side of you.”

  “I don’t want to talk about this anymore.” I looked out the window and severed eye contact.

  “Well…” Axel turned his gaze on the two girls. “I’m untamed, and I’m going to enjoy it.” He slid out of the booth and left his beer behind.

  I stayed in my spot and looked out the window. The streets were wet, and the night sky was blanketed with clouds. Not a single star could be seen. I was in a room full of people but I felt alone. All I wanted to do was find Francesca.

  And never let go.

  ***

  “Your brother invited me to spend Christmas with you.” We were sitting in a diner a few blocks from the beach.

  “He did?” She put down her sandwich and gave me a heart-warming smile. “Good. I thought he would.”

  “Should I bring anything?”

  “No.” She released a quick laugh. “There will be too much food as it is.”

  I was excited to enjoy her cooking for a week. But I was more excited to see her every single day of the holidays. She was the only thing that drove my depression away. The second she was gone, it came back in full force.

  “There’s snow up there, so we’ll probably go skiing. Have you ever been?”

  “No.” I missed out on all the family activities everyone else did.

  “I’ll teach you. I’m pretty good.”

  “Yeah?” An amused grin broke out on my face. “You don’t fall on that beautiful ass of yours?”

  “Not often. But when I do, I’m really sore.”

  “I’ll rub it for you.” I gave her a cocky grin.

  “I’m sure you will.” She rolled her eyes dramatically then returned to eating her sandwich.

  “Are you excited the semester is almost over?”

  “Like you wouldn’t believe.” She released a heavy sigh. “I hate school. It’s stupid.”

  “It’s stupid?” I asked with a laugh. “It’s the best investment you’ll ever make.”

  “Yeah, whatever.” She wiped her mouth with a napkin. “But why do they have to make it so expensive and boring?”

  I shrugged. “You got me there.”

  She picked at her fries and ate slowly. She was one of the slowest eaters I’d ever met. “You want some?”

  “No, thank you.”

  When she finished half her plate, she pushed it away. “Damn, I’ll never eat again.” She placed one hand on her stomach like she was full.

  “Never?”

  “Well…not for another hour at least.”

  I chuckled. “Never and an hour are very different.”

  “You eat everything like a bear. It’s not fair.”

  “I work out. You can too.”

  “Does it look like I have time for that?”

  She was lucky her body was perfect and she didn’t have to do anything to achieve it. “When you run your own bakery, you’ll be on your feet all day long. Then you won’t need to work out.”

  “But I’ll be eating everything in sight.”

  “You’ll still be just as sexy.” I looked her in the eye as I said it because I wasn’t ashamed to admit it.

  She averted her gaze like she was uncomfortable—or warm.

  The check arrived and I immediately slipped the cash inside.

  Francesca grabbed it. “Why don’t we split it for once?”

  “No.” I snatched it back and handed it to the waitress. “I don’t need any change. Thank you.”

  Francesca glared at me when the waitress walked away. “Why are you so annoying?”

  “Annoying?” I asked with amusement. “Why are you so ungrateful?”

  “I’m not ungrateful—”

  “Just say thank you and let it go.”

  She pressed her lips tightly together.

  “Is it really that hard for you to say?” I tried not to laugh. She was cute when she was stubborn.

  “I don’t need anyone to pay for my things.”

  “I’m aware of that. But I’m a gentleman and I like to pay for things.”

  “A gentleman?” She practically laughed as she said it. “You?”

  Gentleman was the last thing I was. I was a dick to every woman I encountered. I treated them like dirt and used them just to get what I wanted. Compassion and empathy weren’t in my blood. I was definitely the type of guy no man wanted for their daughter. I was dark, cold, and dangerous. “I am with you.”

  ***

  I lay in bed as my hard dick rested against my stomach. I hadn’t had sex in a long time, and my body wasn’t used to the sudden withdrawals. Anytime the depression consumed me, I went out and picked up a girl from a bar. Or I called one of my regulars. But now I went to Francesca’s house and slept with her.

  Feeling her body pressed to mine brought the sensual part of me to life. My body ached to be with hers. I’d already kissed her and it was the best I’ve ever had. When I felt her tits with my hands, they were soft and firm. I wanted to watch them shake while I fucked her. She turned me on in a way I’ve never been before.

  I never jerked off because I preferred the real thing. But I was horny and it was late at night. All I had to do was call up one of my booty calls and they would be there in a flash. But I didn’t want that.

  I pulled my Vaseline out and went to town on myself. Francesca was on my mind, and I didn’t feel guilty about it. But my fantasy surprised me. It wasn’t carnal or aggressive. It was sensual and slow. I imagined feeling every part of her, taking it slow and not hurrying to the finish line. Instead of imagining how her ass looked, I focused on kissing her. Instead of giving it to her as hard as I could, I focused on how good I made her feel.

  It was completely different than what I was usually into.

  There was a loud knock on the door and I stopped what I was doing. Who would stop by at this time of night? My heart leapt in hope when I realized it must be Francesca.

  I shoved everything into my nightstand and pulled my boxers on. I didn’t bother putting on anything else because she’d already seen me this way. When I headed down the hallway, I practically ran. It was usually me coming to her but this time it had been reversed.

  I opened the door to the frigid air but froze when I realized it wasn’t Francesca. It was Jessica. She wore a trench coat and heels. I had a strong suspicion there was nothing underneath.

  “It’s been a while.” She slowly stepped over the threshold and opened her jacket. A black bra and thong were the only things she wore. “And I’ve missed you.”

  Jessica was one of the few girls I bedded on a regular basis because she was good in the sack. She knew I was unavailable and only interested in using her. But she was using me too so it worked out.

  But I didn’t feel anything.

  She pressed her body to mine and immediately moved in to kiss me.

  I pushed her back. “No.”

  She looked like she’d been slapped. “No?” She said it like she didn’t understand the word. “Sorry?”

  I stayed a few feet back. “Don’t call me anymore.” I held open the door and waited for her to leave.

  “What?” Jessica left her coat unbuttoned in confusion. “What’s wrong with you?”

  “Nothing,” I said. “I’m just not interested anymore.”

  “And why not?” She put one hand on her hip.

  “I’m just not. Please leave.” I pointed to the doorway.

  “You found someone better?” The hurt was in her voice.

  I didn’t understand my feelings for Francesca. I had no idea what was going on or why everything was changing. All I knew was sleeping with Jessica would be wrong. And I didn’t want to anyway. “I guess you could say that.”

  Hatred moved into her eyes. “You’re such a pig.”

  “And you’re a slut. So what?”

  She slapped me across the face.

  I moved with the hit but didn’t feel anything. “Are you done?”

  She looked like she wanted t
o slap me again.

  “Go before I throw you out.” I moved my hand to her lower back and gave her a gentle push over the threshold.

  She turned around and looked like she was about to throw a hissy fit. “You’re such a—”

  I shut the door in her face and locked it. Then I went back to my room and finished what I was doing—my thoughts still on Francesca.

  ***

  Francesca came out of the house wearing black leggings, boots, and a loose fitting sweater. Her legs looked long and lean, and I wished her sweater wasn’t covering her ass so I could see how that looked too. She had two bags with her.

  “My sister always over-packs.” Axel got out of the passenger seat of the car. “We’re only going to be there for a week. How much shit do you need?”

  “I’ve got another bag inside.” Francesca ignored her brother’s insults. “Why don’t you grab it?”

  “Another bag?” he asked incredulously.

  I got out of the truck then grabbed Francesca’s things from her and placed them into the bed of my truck. “Grab the last one, Axel.”

  He released an irritated sigh then walked into the house.

  Francesca’s hair was curled and it trailed down her chest. “How do you get him to do that?”

  “Do what?”

  “Listen to you.”

  I shrugged. “He knows I can take him.”

  She chuckled and shook her head slightly.

  “You look cute.” I blurted that out without thinking. I did stuff like that all the time. When it came to her, I didn’t need a filter. I could say pretty much anything and she would take it without offense.

  “Thanks. You look cute too.”

  “Cute?” What kind of compliment was that?

  She shrugged with a playful smile on her face. “What? You do.”

  Whenever I saw her, I wanted to hug her. It was a natural compulsion I was struggling to understand. Even when I didn’t see her for a few hours, I wanted to do it the moment I saw her again. I kept my hands to myself because her brother was around. But even if he wasn’t there, I would probably keep my hands to myself anyway.

  Axel came out of the house with the last bag. “Dude, when did Marie get hot?”

  “Marie has always been hot,” Francesca said.

  Axel tossed her bag into the back.

  “Hey!” She slapped his arm. “My hairdryer is in there.”

  “Whatever,” he said. “Yaya will let you borrow hers if it’s broken.”

  “Ugh, I hate you sometimes.”

  “Wow,” he said sarcastically. “I hate you all the time.”

  “Merry Christmas,” I said sarcastically.

  “Now back to Marie,” Axel said. “Is she single?”

  “She’s not your type,” Francesca said automatically.

  “Not my type?” Axel asked incredulously. “She’s hot. Yes, she is my type.”

  “She’s not some girl you can bang and never call again,” Francesca argued. “She’s my best friend. I’m not letting you anywhere near her.”

  “Come on,” Axel said. “I can tell she’s—”

  “I’ll slap you,” Francesca threatened. “And you know I have a good arm.”

  Axel dropped his last sentence. “Tell her to call me if she wants a good time.”

  “No.” Francesca headed to the truck and got into the passenger seat.

  “What the hell?” Axel asked. “I called shotgun.”

  “No, you didn’t,” she argued.

  I tried not to laugh at their bickering.

  “Get the hell out,” Axel said. “I’m sitting there.”

  “Nope.” Francesca put on her safety belt.

  “You’re such a brat,” Axel snapped.

  “Leave her be,” I said. “I’d rather listen to her silence than your running mouth the whole way.”

  Francesca stuck her tongue out at Axel.

  Axel glared at her then got into the back.

  I got into the driver’s seat then started the engine. “Try to get along. It’s Christmas.”

  “I hate her,” Axel said.

  “I hate him more,” Francesca said.

  “And I hate both of you right now.”

  ***

  The house was blanketed in snow and so were the surrounding trees. Smoke rose from the chimney, and the lights from within the house made it look like it was glowing. It was a safe haven out in the middle of nowhere.

  After we got inside, Yaya greeted us like she’d never been so happy. Having all of us in her home was the best Christmas gift of all. And like I expected, she hugged me and made me feel like part of the family.

  “You’re such a handsome boy.” She cupped my face then kissed me on the cheek.

  “What about me?” Axel asked. “Aren’t I handsome?”

  “You’re definitely a boy,” I jabbed.

  Yaya laughed then kissed Axel on the cheek. “You’re very handsome too, dear.”

  “I am,” Axel said. “It doesn’t hurt to acknowledge it once in a while.”

  Francesca rolled her eyes. “My brother needs more attention than I do.”

  “Probably because you look like a boy,” Axel jabbed.

  She kicked him in the shin before she headed up the stairs.

  “Ouch!” Axel hopped on one foot as he held his other shin.

  Yaya shrugged. “You had it coming, honey.”

  I didn’t feel bad for him at all. In fact, I was trying not to laugh.

  “You have the same room as last time,” Yaya said.

  That’s what I was hoping for. It was right next to Francesca’s. “Thank you. I appreciate it.”

  ***

  After dinner, we watched TV while the fire burned in the hearth. It was dark outside, but the powder of snow glistened under the moonlight. Sometimes we heard the sound of an owl. It always made Axel jump.

  “The country is creepy…” Axel shivered slightly.

  “If you’re a sissy,” Francesca jabbed.

  “You want me to push you in the fire?” Axel warned.

  “I’d like to see you try.” Francesca put down her book and gave him a challenging look.

  Axel shook his head. “You’re lucky it’s Christmas.”

  “And you’re lucky I’m not going to kick you again.”

  Surprisingly, their banter wasn’t annoying. I didn’t have a sibling so I wasn’t sure how they behaved. I wasn’t sure how family dynamics worked at all—until they let me spend the holidays with them.

  Yaya had already gone to bed, and I was waiting for Axel to hit the sack too. Francesca and I hadn’t talked about our behavior during the trip. Would she mind if I slept with her? Or was she too afraid we would get caught and people would assume the worst? I couldn’t ask her until we were alone. While I loved being up there with her, surrounded by the snow, I wished I could be myself with her. She was the closest person to me, and I missed our natural relationship. But I had to hide all of that from Axel because he would assume something more was happening between us. I didn’t want him to think I went back on my word and I was sleeping with his sister. Technically, I was. But not in the way he meant.

  “I’m sick of listening to your voice.” Axel left the couch and headed to the stairs. “I’m going to sleep.”

  “Good riddance.” She picked up her book again.

  “You don’t have to stay down here with her.” Axel’s eyes were on me.

  “I’m fine.” She was the only person I wanted to be with anyway.

  “It’s your funeral.” He headed up the stairs into his bedroom.

  After a few minutes of silence, I realized we were alone. “How’s the book?”

  “Good.” She turned the page.

  “Why are you sitting all the way over there?” I was on the sofa and she was in the armchair.

  “The fire.”

  I grabbed a cushion then placed it on the ground in front of the fire. Then I lay down with my hands behind my head. “You’re going to leave me a
ll alone?”

  She set the book down then crawled onto the floor next to me. We shared the pillow and listened to the fire crackle in the hearth. Our feet were near the opening, so they stayed warm despite the winter chill.

  “I like it up here.”

  “It’s nice, huh?”

  “Yeah. I would like to have a cabin in the woods someday.”

  “It would be a little spooky.”

  I shook my head. “I’m a grizzly bear. Remember?”

  “How could I forget?” She curled up into my side and rested her hand on my stomach.

  “So, how are the sleeping arrangements going to be?”

  “Meaning?” She released a quiet sigh like she was trying not to fall asleep.

  “My room or yours?”

  “You want to sleep together?” she asked. “Here?”

  “We won’t get caught.”

  “You’re sure about that?”

  “I’ll go back into my room before anyone wakes up.”

  “It’s pretty risky…”

  I looked into her eyes and was reminded of the color of algae floating on top of the lake just a mile away from there. “I like risky.”

  “If Axel caught us, he’d throw a hissy fit.”

  I shrugged. “When did you start caring about his opinion?”

  “When it could ruin Christmas. Yaya works really hard to make everything perfect. I don’t want to mess that up for her.”

  She was right. “I hope I’m strong enough to stay in my room. You’re right next door.”

  “I’ll lock it so you won’t be tempted.” She gave me a playful look.

  It would take a lot more than a locked door to stop me from getting to her.

  Christmas

  Hawke

  “You want to build a snowman?” Francesca wore a thigh coat with her hood up. She wore skin-tight ski pants and thick boots. Even though she was completely covered, she still looked cute.

  “A snowman?” I’d never done that before.

  “Yeah.” She kneeled in the snow with thick gloves on her hands. “We need to make the bottom first. Help me.”

  I squatted down beside her and watched what she was doing. I helped her ball the snow into a large mound then pack it until it felt solid. Even though it was freezing cold, I felt warm from all the work. After we made the bottom, we started on the middle section.

  “You’ve never done this before?” she asked.