by Lexa Bălă
He makes a few steps forward, but somehow he approaches way too much.
"If I were you, I would enjoy better my liberty. I would never get in here. You idiots don't know how to appreciate your lives. Don't waste your time trying to make a psycho understand what you're saying. Just leave, please. It doesn't worth."
"But you worth, Tate. "
I bite my lip and still gaze in those eyes. When I'm looking right into his irises it's like falling. It's something you feel right through your whole body, something that runs through your veins, such as adrenaline.
And now, right in this moment, it's the first time he actually smiles. But not a fake one. It's such a genuine smile. It's his real one.
"You smile," I whispered, closely to getting emotional over the fact one ruined individual smiled because of me.
"You should be feeling special because this smile is for you and because of you. This doesn't usually happen so..."
"Tate, can you get outside tonight?"
"Sure. Why are you asking? Do you wanna wander the woods with me in the moonlight? Damn, you're so naive and dewy-eyed and unwary," he said with a aw-shucks grin.
"Yep, that's exactly what I want. "
"Fine. At least making you happy if I cannot make myself happy. Bye now."
I leave. I leave because I know that tonight we're gonna talk again. It's so relaxing talking to him. It makes me forget about everything and everyone. It makes me chill and it makes me feel important. His presence is bliss.
And while I am walking back to camp, I just think.
I think about the kid who's hiding behind that mask.
Maybe it's not okay the way I think of him. Maybe it's completely wrong.
But I cannot concentrate anymore on anything else, but him.
But that's how I see things.
Sometimes, people just kill people, but this fact doesn't make them bad people. If I murder someone doesn't mean I am bad. And if someone kills with no reason, not even that makes that person a bad one. Even he is a really psychopath, he has a soul inside, he is a human. He is a fucking seventeen years old kid and he is sick. And he doesn't deserve the things he is going through. No one actually deserves this kind of pain.
He is Tate. He lost his sanity a long time ago. Now he is just a body sauntering the streets, looking for someone who deserve their own death, or not. He simply murders. And he regrets that after the first minute he realizes what he had just done. I don't know why I like this kid, I don't have any reasons, but I really like him as a person and that's not normal at all, because he is a bad person. The thing is that he is never gonna like me too. Why? Because he doesn't like people. He doesn't like being around people because they stare, because everyone knows what he'd done. And nobody will ever forgive the bad he'd done. But I do. It is totally wrong what he did, but from his point of view this is always the right thing because he doesn't see any way of escaping, but this. It is his own special way.
Sometimes I wish I were just like him. Just stab someone without thinking about consequences.
He is so fucking desperate. He is so lost. And no one knows where he actually is. But I have this urge to find him and discover him.
I want him to like me.
It's just the way he is that makes me wanna know every single detail about him and his life.
I think that no one will ever know how he really is and the way he sees reality.
This is what makes me want to be the only person who gets under his skin.
CHAPTER 7
When I get back to the camp I remember my fight with Theo and that I have to move to another cabin so that we won't need to see each other's faces everytime we want to eat or watch tv. I decide to move in Tess' room since she has already told me it's everything okay. I look for a bag to put my clothes in and run upstairs. I barge in, but I suddenly stop when I see him sleeping. How cute he can be, man, in those pajamas. God dammit.
And I'm not at all upset on him. It was only my fault but I hope he will get over this. And if he won't...well, I cannot accept that, 'cause I cannot accept us not being the way we always are. And even he is right in front of me, I miss him. Now I remember the moment we cuddled in bed and just slept and how normal that was. And I wish that I could nestle down beside him right now, but I cannot and everything's sucks 'cause I have never been in this kind of situation. We fought, we quarreled, we hated each other, but we never thought of not being friends. This wasn't an option.
But now, well, this was kind of a break-up. It was like he told me we are no longer friends even he did not say that. What he said to me was even more painful.
But I realize I was staring at him sleeping so I start putting my clothes at their place. Somehow I manage to drop things on the floor and the noise wakes him up. He mumbles something that sounds more like a swear, and I don't even turn around to look at him. I don't feel comfortable around him anymore, that's clear. And I know he watches me right now as I can feel his look on my back. I don't even feel up to look at him straight in the eyes anymore.
After every single quarrel we had, he started acting like a jerk and he was such an idiot everytime, but now he is not going to say any word. And that hurts, 'cause his asshole behaviour assured me we are still okay somehow, but now, we are not okay at all. Now we are both broken.
We had never ignored each other like that. I feel like I need to say something, anything, but what if he doesn't want me to talk with him? I stop asking myself questions with no answer and get out of the room and plodded downstairs.
"What the hell you think you're doing? You're not going anywhere, girl. I don't care about your fights with Theo. You stay here. You're my best friend so you have to stay here. He cannot just force you to leave."
"Hayden, he did not tell me to leave. I want to, 'cause it's not okay to stay in the same house at the moment. And I cannot ask him to leave. "
"Why not ?"
"Because. I am the one supposed to leave. "
"Okay. Then I'm coming with you. "
"No. You cannot just leave him alone. Please, Hayden. "
"I don't want to stay alone in the house with him. "
"God, Hayden, he's not going to rape you or something. Just a few days, please. "
"Fine. But you have to explain me what is going on with you, guys."
"Yay. I love you, sister. Yeah, I will tell you....someday. "
She helps me with the bags and we carry them to Tess and Aiden's cabin.
"Oh, the new roommate," Aiden said.
"Tess' roommate, dear. "
I give him a hug and rush upstairs. I drop my bags on the floor, then come back in the kitchen - always the room we spend most of the time in- and Hayden is there too.
"Guys, just because me and Theo don't talk to each other anymore doesn't mean you should avoid him, you know. Hayden, act normal, unless he will feel excluded from our group. Anyway, it's all my fault, so...Hayden, next time come here with him."
"I thought you moved because you want to avoid him."
"Yeah, not share the same bedroom, kitchen, bathroom and hallways with him. But we cannot avoid seeing each other since we are all clustered. "
"Yeah, and we all know Theo is an asshole and we got used with it, so it's not such a big deal. We all had conflicts with him at a moment in our lives, So calm down, Davina," said Tess. Somehow that makes me feel much better.
"What was all about, anyways?"
"Uhm...Darren, Tate and staff, our friendship and how much I don't care about him."
"Who's Tate, by the way?" Aiden asked.
"Uhm...the guy from sanatorium I spend time with. "
"And what he has to do with you, guys?"
"Long story. Never mind. Theo simply doesn't like him at all. So...what else, guys? What are you planning for the next days?"
"What if we throw a party? A big one. One where everyone here is invited, where we can do whatever we want. "Aiden proposed. "I have just given myself the best idea ever. God, I'm so cool
. "
"Not tonight, guys. I'm busy tonight, " I said as soon as I remembered I was going to meet Tate tonight.
"Sure. Anyway, is going to take some time 'till we buy all we need. Like drinks and food and cigarettes," said Hayden.
We decide to announce everybody about the party, and Tess is going after Theo to bring him here.
He walks inside and glance at me.
We go to every cabin and invite all of them, most of them willing to give us money for what we needed.
Then we head to the lake and spend the rest of the day there.
"What do you think about all that happened here? For me honestly was escaping. I got to the point where I can say I love this place, " Tess said.
"It's pretty cool. Everyone is having their best time here. I don't think anyone would mind if we stay here all summer long, " Hayden said.
I think we've stayed at the lake more than a few hours . Outside already is getting dark, so it's time we went back.
Me and Theo didn't say a word to each other and it was awkward for both of us. There where those moments when we were getting too close or touching by chance which made me crazy. The touch of his hands made my crazy.
"Guys, I mean just Theo," Aiden said, " do you mind if I come into your cabin with some friends and you know, Hayden, you can go and sleep with Davina and Tess. Andrew, Taissa and Mikey want to come, you know. "
"That's okay," Theo muttered.
"Andrew is a jackass. Is the most stupid person from the entire school. I cannot believe you really stand that kid, " I said.
"He's not that bad, you know. "
"Oh, I know. We are just classmates since first grade. "
He rolls his eyes, grinning from ear to ear and I knew it's all about Mikey. The gay guys will be forever weirdoes, but sometimes it's better to have a gay friend than a normal boy friend. Sometimes they can be gross as fuck, but their strange love can often be better than ours.
I decided to go out, just like that, just to see other faces, and I bump into Jersey.
"Hey, Davina" he said with a sweet grin on his face.
"Hi, Jers."
"What do you really think about the kid from the sanatorium? What you've told Mrs. Maynard was the biggest lie. I sensed your lie. "
"Yeah. Tate Hales?"
"Mhm. Him. "
"Well, at first I simply...didn't like him. He had that behaviour of him that drove me nuts. But then...I got to know him and...uhm...that kid can be so nice...if you just give him time and attention, a proper attention. He can be sweet and friendly, but he doesn’t want. It’s a self-defence mechanism."
He gapes at me, muttering an "W-what?
I didn't expect to hear that. At all."
"So you know about him?"
"Sort of. I mean, perhaps you don't know that, but this is not my first time here. Last year I was in this camp and...I found Tate the most interesting kid from all.. Uhm...sorry I haven't told you about him and nobody haven't and I think this is not okay, 'cause we all have to know about who are we talking with. "
"No one but him told me about him. But I want to hear from you what you know about him. "
"Well...he is said to had murdered innocent kids and it wasn't self-defence. At the same time, nobody has prooves against him. Even if he admited he had commited crimes, I'm not sure what to think about it. He has gone crazy and that's why he is there. Yeah, maybe he really murdered. Some of the people put the blame on him, but others say he lost his sanity and he is no longer thinking straight. But most of the people believe he is a murderer or he is too insane and talks bullshit. He is a real enigma."
"He is a murderer. He confessed."
"He admitted in front of you he is a criminal? That's strange. "
"Yeah, but he is different."
"They are all different, Davina. That's why I like spending time with them. 'Cause some of them are not just simply insane. Some of them are special and their insanity makes them that way. "
"True. So what do you think about Tate?"
"Tate Hales...well, I've met him twice. He did not accept to talk with him. He rejects everyone and he acts like an asshole most of the time. He simply doesn't want us there. A lot of students tried to talk with him, but all failed, including me.
And I don't know what you've done to him, but keep going this way. If you made him talk it means you are really good at this and you are some kind of a special person, don't forget that. Maybe you'll bring him on the good road. But be careful. He's kinda psychotic, you know. They all are. Uhm...I gotta go now. See you soon."
I watch him leaving and I remember I've left my phone charger in Theo and Hayden's cabin and I rush inside without knocking. There's nobody at the first floor and I run upstairs but this time I knock. Nothing. So I open the door and due to the wide-opened windows, it slams to the wall and makes a loud noise.
Then I notice him sitting on the bed and playing some kind of stupid game on his phone, but I don't pay attention to him and start looking for my charger.
"Uhm...excuse me," he sneered. "Perhaps you won't barge in like that next time, 'cause you know, you are no longer staying here and what if I was masturbating or something. God."
And that was the moment when my heart just gone crazy and a little grin appeared on my face, but thank God he couldn't see the expression on my face. This was exactly what I've wanted. Just to hear him saying something, anything, just to say something typical for him.
"Sorry, I didn't mean-" I muttered. And somehow the only thing I can do at this moment is just to slide off. And that's exactly what I am doing, but before that I hear him sighing in exasperation. God, how much I've missed the sounds he makes.
It's already 10 a.m but I still think it's too early for Tate to go out so I've got to wait till later.
I feel like I need to talk to someone about me and Theo but somehow that someone is none of my friends.
I get back inside my new cabin and see the girls staying on the sofa and talking about bullshits.
We turn on the music and start cooking and we spend the rest of the hours watching tv series and eating popcorn. It's like girls night, but the truth is that I cannot wait them to fall asleep and just time to pass more quickly so that 2 or 3 a.m would come quickly.
"Do you like Theo?" Hayden suddenly asked.
"What?" I gaped. "No, why are you asking?"
"I don't know. I just thought...you always had some kind of a special friendship. "
"I agree with her," Tess chimed in." I mean, you are so close to each other sometimes, despite the fact you are always quarreling and hating each other. You are always together in everything."
"Yeah. We have a weird friendship. But I don't know if we...uhm...have feelings for each other or something like that. "
"How it's possible for you to not know? Maybe you just don't realize you actually like each other. You don't even know how cute you are when you are teasing each other, " Tess said, tapping my shoulder.
"Maybe. I don't know what I feel. I just don't know, girls. Let's go to bed, what do you say? I'm exshausted. "
We decide that we should all sleep in the same room since we are just three.
I pretend to fall asleep and when I see they've already nodded off, I get off the bed and get out of the room as quietely as I possibly can.
It's almost 2 a.m. Now it should be perfect for Tate to get out. I tear through the camp and get to the main road. This fresh air that intoxicates me, this cold wind that gives me goosebumps, this -everything- makes me wonder why we just don't live at night. Nights are always the best. Nights keep the best memories, those indelible ones. At night we're becoming more alive than we are during the day. Nights are just great. But we lose them 'cause we are sixteen or seventeen and we gotta be home at 10 'cause our parents still control our lives.
But here, nobody's telling me what to do or what not to do. There's nothing stopping me from breathing in the night air.
I walk straight ahead. I know I have to mee
t him somewhere. I should be afraid walking alone on this empty road, surrounded by woods and wilderness, but somehow I'm not.
Anyway, what could be more dangerous than a murderer wandering the woods?
And the best part is that I know who the murderer is. And I know that he's not gonna kill me or something. He's not even going to touch me.
He is just a psychotic kid. And he might be dangerous, but for me, he looks so damn innocent. And there's something that tells that he will always be innocent when it comes to me.
I finally arrive to the gates of the asylum. I hear a rustle of branches as soon I get closer.
"I've been waiting for you," I hear a voice coming from the darkness around, but even though there are lights along the walls of sanatorium's yard, I still don't see much thing.
I flinch when he taps me on the shoulder and I turn around suddenly.
From where I am standing right now, I can perfectly see his face.
"So where are we heading now?" I asked.
"Take me far from here, Davina."
I stare at his dark irises for a few moments before I step back when I realise he was too strangely close to me.
"So Tate" I started as soon as we get a little bit far from the road. "What do you wanna talk about? "
"I don't know. Ask me anything you want. Or just tell the story of your life. I don't mind. I don't have a better option anyway, and I now I cannot runaway from you anyway 'cause that would mean I abandon you in the woods. And I cannot do that. "
"Of course you can. You can just dart off. Not big deal. You don't care about what would you leave behind, do you?"
He stops.
"I'm not like that. Not... like that. I wouldn't do that to you no matter how much you pissed me off. "
"Why not?"
"I have no idea. You simply made such a long road at night just to...come to me. And that's something. People don't usually give a damn shit on me. And I appreciate you came."
"Yeah, but don't pretend being nice with me. Just be the way you are with me."
"Fine. Then let's stay here. "
He shows me a place on the ground full of green grass which was a little bit iluminated by the light of the moon.
