by Lexa Bălă
"You know, I need to tell someone about this thing that's going on into my life and I didn't really feel that I could tell this not even to my bestfriend. So I will tell you. Are you okay with it?"
"Uhm...fine. But don't expect me to care or something. "
"Okay. So...uhm...do you know Theo right? Darren's best friend. "
"Oh, yeah. The other shit. What about him?"
"Tate, how do you know you truly like someone?"
"God, are you really asking me this? You're weird, dude. "
"Just answer, Tate."
"Well, I think you just feel something strange inside. You are able to smile with your eyes closed and your heart fills with a warm feeling.
So many things are changing when you start having feelings. Your body begins craving for touching. Your emotions are too overwhelming. You have a strong desire to simply have in front of your eyes that particular person. And when you looked at him or her, you are being fascinated by his or her existence. When you like someone, you begin craving. All of a sudden you have this urge to press your lips against his or hers. You first fall for his or her hands. The colour of his or her veins seen through skin is wonderful. You simply feel, Davina."
I try not to gape in surprise, but look how wonderfully this kid is talking about this feeling. I am just amazed.
"What?" he asked. "Why are you gazing like that? Did I say something wrong?"
"No. I just -nevermind."
I continue to be fascinated by the way his eyes looked in the dark and how his dimples appeared everytime he smiled a little.
"You like him, huh?"
"Who?"
"You know who. Well, I'm glad I opened your eyes to realize this. It's okay. And if it's not okay...well, we all fall in love with the wrong person sometimes."
"Have you ever fallen in love with someone, Tate?"
"Yes, I have. But I just wish I haven't. "
"Why is that?"
"'Cause this feeling only means pain when you are not given back the love you give to that person. It's just bullshit sometimes. I cannot believe I am discussing with you such things. It's so weird. No one knows so much about me like you do now. No one ever listened to what I have to say. "
"Tate, this is what a friend does."
"Are you my friend?"
"If you let me be."
"I don't know. The last time I tried this with someone, I ended up suffering."
"You always end up suffering, Tate. That's why you have to not let it end. "
He bites his lip and he is gazing at his hands. Then he looks up at me.
"I don't even know how to behave with people who want the good for me. 'Cause till now they only wanted the worst for me. "
"Just the way you are, Tate. Be just the way you are."
"So are you okay with all my swears and that I sometimes I might say rude things to you? Sorry, but I still don't like you too much. Sorry, it's just the pure aversion for people that I had been born with...No, Davina."
"No what?"
"We are not friends and we cannot be and I don't us to be . "
"Why?"
"Because. Stop asking so many questions. You'll know why. "
"Fine. I don't mind," I said.
"So...uhm...Theo? Seriously? What do you wanted to tell me about him?"
"We are very good friends. We have always been. But we just had the biggest fight ever and he sweared me, but it is just my fault. We quarreled about Darren, about you .Tate, we just...broke our friendship. And I feel so fucking bad for what I've done. Now that I don't have him by my side anymore I realize he is the most important person in my life. "
"Wow, that was deep. Don't know what to say. If I were you, I would never let such a person to leave. I don't like Theo, just to be clear. But if you like Theo, and you like him in that way....don't let him go. For what? For a guy who is no longer here and for me? How stupid you are."
"Why don't you want to tell me about Darren, Tate?"
Suddenly, his facial expression changes completely. Now he doesn't seem friendly anymore. Now he gawps and looks exactly the way I first saw him. Like he is going to abhor me for the rest of his life.
"I don't want to. You have to understand that and if you don't, you should go away. You are not the only person who has been affected by someone's death. I had been through this, okay? But I accepted it. You and your friend Theo should accept it too. God, Davina. People die all the time. It's happening so often that it doesn't even surprises me anymore.
You don't know how is like to simply take somebody's life just because this is what you want. You don't know how it is like to look in the eyes of a person in his last seconds. You don't know how it is like to feel the death so close to you.
You don't know how it is like to feel the darkness driving you insane. You don't know anything, but still think that Darren's death is the worst thing. Just stay away from me, Davina. 'Cause I am an unnecessary bad in your life. "
"You're not bad, Tate. You're just broken. And full of scars."
"I don't mind if you don't cease considering me a nice person. But you only believe bullshit. "
A grin appeared on his face again. Somehow, just a little smile on his face makes him look beautiful.
And it's amazing to see a person who doesn't usually smile, smiling.
He stands up and gives me a hand to help me stand up too. But he doesn't let go of my hand.
And his touch, his cold hand holding mine… Oh. Oh no.
It just hits me. A sensation I've never felt with anyone else, fear combined with something I don't know what it is, but it give me chills.
It's so nice. It feels like by touching our hands I can take away his pain. But after just few seconds he suddenly let go of my hand but doesn't get any further.
"It was nice. But forget it. Unless, you only get nothing....It's late, Davina. See you tomorrow, and be careful in these woods back to camp. Maybe you're not the only one who treads in the woods at night."
"How am I supposed to get back to the camp since you brought me in the middle of wilderness here?"
"Fine. I'll get you to the road but that's it. "
"A normal person wouldn't let a girl alone at night here, you know."
"First, I'm not normal. And second, I know that there's nothing else here that could harm you or kill you, just the person you are standing next to. And I'm not gonna do that. You're pretty awesome. And I wouldn't hurt that pretty face anyway. "
"Dude, you once said I have an ugly face, do you remember?"
"Yeah, but not at night. "
We both start chortling, but I stop when I realize it's the first time he says something nice to me. His laughter is just the best sound I've ever heard and I don't want him to stop being like that. Being happy. He looks much better like this, more humane. At this moment, he doesn't look like he would have a mental disorder at all. At this moment, I wonder how can even be a sanatorium the right place for him.
"Here's the road, " he said and stopped right in front of me.
"You know, besides everything, I don't hate your presence anymore. It's pretty comfortable to have someone you can talk to. For me, this is new. "
We say "Good night " to each other and we both leave with a grin on our face.
It's the best feeling ever to simply know you made someone like him feeling good.
And I know it shouldn't have gone so far, but I care about him and the only problem when I start caring about someone is that I cannot let go anymore.
CHAPTER 8
I traipse back to the camp. All the way there I keep my mind empty of thoughts. I let the darkness surrounding me with its cold touch. As I arrive, I get inside our cabin as silent as I possibly can. I don't want them to start asking me why the hell I keep wandering the woods at night.
Somehow I feel better after talking with Tate. It's like he really listens to me and I needed that. I have never thought that a psychotic kid would get to the point of kind of giving me advices.
And maybe he is right. A dead boy and a wayward one shouldn't be reasons for losing Theo. I cannot lose Theo. I just cannot. I've got to fix things between us but first I have to let the time pass, 'cause I know he's still pissed off.
For now I want to sleep and sleep and I fall asleep immediately, with a last image of Darren, Theo and Tate in my mind. And that image is the most painful one due to its beauty.
***
You cannot simply accept someone's death. You cannot stop thinking about that person. It's a wound which keeps bleeding and it hurts like hell when you remember that person once walked the same road as you.
And what if you just accept and get used with the idea? Then you remain with a scar, but that scar will be there for life.
And what about me? Well, Darren is still a wound on my soul. He is not a scar yet.
***
I wake up and don't see Hayden in her bed. And then I know why, it's already 12 o'clock and fuck, I am too late for Tate. I should have been there at 10. Fuck. I get off the bed and I tramp loudly on the stairs. There's nobody in the kitchen, nobody in the living room. Outside I don't see any of my classmates. I stride to the cabin next to us, Theo's cabin, and knock at the door but don't hear anything from inside, so I barge in.
"Where the hell is everybody?" I asked but for myself, not waiting for an answer.
"They've gone trekking in the mountains," he told me with a simper on his face.
"And why the hell we are the only ones left here?"
"'Cause I'm not in the mood of sauntering in the woods right now. And they thought you need more sleep, because of your night outgoings. "
They caught m . Shit.
I avoid looking at him straight in the eyes because I know I cannot explain him exactly what I am doing so late at night.
"You can fool them in any why you may want, Davina. They already think you have a secret boyfriend or something like that. But you don't fool me. You cannot ever fool me. Now, may you please get the fuck out of here?"
I stand motionless in front of him and this way he watches me right now, like he had never had, with no emotion, just like that, like I was a nothing in front of him. And the way he talks with me, like I was the biggest piece of shit. I want him back. The Theo from before. The old Theo.
"You really hate me right now, don't you?"
"Yeah. Kind of. Don't tell me you thought it would be just all okay if we don't see each other a few days. Bullshit, Davina. It's exactly the same hatred I felt a few days ago. And you have to leave right now. I don't want to see you."
I leave without saying anything else. I feel like nothing I could say would make things better. It hurts like hell. It just hurts. And it's weird to feel the pain all over your body knowing that you cannot stop it, you have to live with it.
It's worse and worse. I cannot lose Theo. I had already lost Darren and I cannot cope with all these any longer. But I know what to do to clear my mind.
I'm heading to the asylum. Again. I know I'm late, I should have been there three hours ago, but it is the only place I can go to right now. 'Cause there is Tate. And Tate understands.
As soon as I get at the gates I'm welcomed by the same woman who brought Tate yesterday or one day before yesterday. I don't even remember.
"Hello, miss Noyes. You are a little bit too late, don't you think?" she said with a dumb grin on her face. Now I know why Tate hates her.
"I wanna see Tate, " I said.
"Miss Noyes, we have a strict programme when students can visit our pacients. And only if they are agreeing with the visit, of course."
"He will. Please."
"Fine. But you can't stay outside today. Follow me. "
I follow her to the entrance and she tells me to wait for her there. While I am waiting, I hear a voice from behind my back and I turn around suddenly, trying to suppress my scream at the sight of a girl standing right in front of me.
"You're the girl who visits Tate Hales, right? Mhm...you're pretty. I bet he already likes you, or not. Girl, I know he might have given you the impression of being such a...good kid despite of everything," she started talking, not waiting for a bilateral conversation. "But he is right. You don't know anything about his life here. You don't know how he treats us all, like we are just pieces of shit. All his roomates, the ones who are still alive.. You don't know that, but he is the most problematic kid from here. He is such a psychopath sometimes. I guess you were friend with that guy called Darren. He was such a sweetheart. I don't know what he had done to stay in the same room with that maniac. If you were friends, well, I'm sorry, I really do. But here are a lot of kids who are commiting suicide. You know, Tate doesn't know what is that a feeling anymore, 'cause he is just dead inside. I used to had a crush on him. But he doesn't fucking care about anything. My name is Hailee by the way."
As soon as I open my mouth to say my name too, the lady comes back and interrupts us.
"Hailee, don't talk with strangers," she said and beckoned her away.
She turns her attention on me and glares at me.
"He said you can come. But he said that this time, you'll meet in his room. But you know that we don't allow students this without being supervised. It's against the rules, miss Noyes. And because he insists, all I can do to help you...uhm...I will allow you to get outside in the yard, but with one condition. Get the hell far from the asylum so that no one can see you. I do not want problems because of you.
If I were you, I wouldn't spend time with him just me and him, without anyone around. He is dangerous in a way I simply can't explain. But it's your choice and I will respect it. My name is Deborah by the way, but you can call me Mrs. Deborah. If you need any help or anything, just press the botton and don't panic. Now, come with me to take Hales. You should know that the only reason why I let you kids doing this is because all I want is your best. And I am truly convinced that all they need is just more liberty. This is not a prison. This is also a school. Here they should be feeling better, not worse."
"Oh, he gets more liberty than you think, believe me.
"Like I've said. This is not a prison."
She knows.
I follow her on the hallways and tramp on the stairs to the second floor. We head to the last door on the narrow hallway.
She opens it and I get so surprised when I see him standing right there with a fake dumb beam on his face.
"You can leave now, Deborah," he said rudely while heading to the exit, not looking at my face.
She assures me that everything is alright and I tear through the hallway to get behind him.
"You are late with...uhm...three fucking hours," he snapped at me.
I get right behind him and touch his shoulder gently. "I've been waiting for you, but you weren't coming. "
"Sorry. It's not my fault. We stayed till late last night and I was exshausted. "
"Oh, yeah, I remember. Now, let's go to my place."
"Your place? You mean that place? Isn't that your secret place? Why are you showing it to me?"
He suddenly stops and I almost bump into him. He turns around and somehow our faces are just a few inches away from one another. As I stand beside him, I get lost. Get lost due to those goggle eyes and that real cute grin. It lasts seconds, but it seems like time has stopped.
Then he makes a few steps backwards and turns around. He continues to stride and I'm right a few steps behind him, following him.
He was wearing a grey t-shirt and his hair was curlier than ever. His skin was pale, as always, but his body seemed so warm that I imagined his arms around me.
"Why are you rushing?" I asked, trying to keep up with him.
"'Cause there is a big probability we are not going to have any time, Davina. So hurry up."
I don't know how much it takes us to his place because I lose track of time completely. We walk along a field, and then go through the area filled with trees, I mean the part of the forest that was included in the sanatorium's yard. He stops, as in front of
our eyes we have the tall stone wall which marks off the sanatorium property.
"Everytime I have the possibility, I come here and just walk along this wall, it chills me." he said while he is looking up at the wall. "And this is the place from where I can get outside. This is the place that makes me feel so free and gives me the peace of mind I need. Come on, let me show it to you. "
He's heading to the enormous old tree, the biggest and the closest to the wall, and starts climbing fast.
"Come on," he said.
He give me an encouraging and bright grin.
"I don't like heights, Tate. I mean it's not that I don't like them, 'cause I like them, but I am too afraid of heights. One of my biggest fears actually."
"Fears exist only in our mind and we've got to let them fade away. Fears are imaginary. Just like all of us. Come on," he said.
I grab his hand and then try to climb in the same way he does and I realize it's not that bad.
And then I see him standing on a wide branch, like it was as comfortable as a bed.
"Here. Come here," he whispered.
I climb and sit beside him. As I look up there is an amazing landascape in front of our eyes. You know, the woods, the mountains, all that staff looked so good from here.
"Wow," I mumbled.
He just brought me in his own special and secret place. But now it was ours.
"Here I feel my spirit blithe. At the border between freedom and this fucking shit out here. I've became such a world-weary and this place reminds me that I'm still alive, still breathing, still here. Gives me this feeling of insouciance. And, yeah, from here, I can get outside. You see, the wall is the same height as this branch, so all I do is to climb on the wall and then get down. And when I want to get back I just climb on the wall and it's simple. For me. But there's also an another place you can get outside from here. But that is the place I showed to others too, 'cause I cannot show them this place 'cause it's mine.
And sometimes I walk on the wall, you see, you can easily stay there without falling. And I just...showed you this because you simply bouyed me up. I just felt like I need to share with someone all my things, these things, and you seemed to understand me somehow and I thought you really are the right person to see and know all of these."
