Scars

by Lexa Bălă

  "It's amazing. And you are amazing, Tate. I am speechless, really."

  "It's allright. Come here," he said and beckoned me to sit closer to him.

  As I was staying right beside him and our bodies were touching, I felt my heart throbbing inside my chest. It wasn't just the fact that I was staring down at the ground and at my legs were moving back and forth, and I couldn't barely stop my body from shaking. It was him and he was so close.

  "It's nice," he said.

  "What's nice?"

  "To stay right beside you. I don't ever let anyone getting that close, 'cause I feel like my personal space is invaded and I feel like I'm gonna suffocate. But now it's really nice. I kinda don't like when people are touching me and sometimes it feels like disgust and I'm like 'get your fucking hands off me, you asshole'. But now it feels nice. But still like I'm gonna get burnt or something if I would touch you...uhm...more. "

  "But have you ever-"

  "Kissed a girl, or had sex, or just even held hands with a girl? Yes, I had. But there was no feeling growing up in me. I had done all those things without feeling any emotion. I was too impassive. When I first fell in love, I hadn’t gone the chance to even touch her a little and the other girls just didn’t manage to make something grow in me. I was always empty."

  "And how are you know, Tate?"

  "Drowned by waves of emotions."

  This smile on his face right now is just for me, only for me and it puts a grin on my face and makes my heart pounding, throbbing, beating like I was falling, but I wasn't really falling, like I was drowning, but I wasn't really drowning, it just felt like I couldn't breathe anymore.

  It's like something is growing inside of me, exactly that something that kept growning in me since I've met Theo and till now.

  It's just so wrong that because of Tate I realized I was in love with Theo. And by falling in love with Theo I realized I liked Darren. Now Darren was just past, and a scar on my soul in present. Theo was past and he is present, has a place in my heart at the moment and it's a bleeding wound right now on my heart, but Tate is now, this second and the next second, he is cutting into flesh right now.

  "You know, Davina," he interrupted my thoughts, "you are really a nice and good person. I was wrong about you. You're just a pure soul. And by standing here with me it gets darkened. "

  He takes my hand in his and interlaces our fingers and gazes at how our hands were fitting one in other.

  His touch gives me goosebumps, gives me a million wild birds in my belly, gives a hundreds beats of heart.

  "Let's get down now," he said, letting go of my hand. Now it just feels empty without his hand holding it.

  He helps me get on the ground and then paces along, like nothing have happened.

  "You should forget what have just happened. It's wrong, you know. And if I have to remind you, I will. You are crazy for Theo. Don't ruin this. Come on, let's go. "

  But while walking along, our bodies were touching, our hands were touching, and our breaths were fastening. We intertwined our hands and continued strolling like nothing was wrong. Like this was so normal. And it felt so damn right.

  CHAPTER 9

  It's all wrong but it feels normal. Like nothing extraordinary weird just happened. Like this is normal to happen. But despite all these contradicting things which go through my mind right now, Tate is like a distraction from reality. And reality means Theo. Now I am more confused than I was before. My feelings are mixed and I don't what the hell is right or wrong so I stop thinking about this, about everything, and just head back to camp. I call Hayden and she's answering at the second call.

  "What the hell it's wrong with you? Are you out of your mind? " I yellED at her. "How could you do that? Leave me alone with Theo. Man, why didn't you wake me up?"

  "Take it easy. It wasn't my decision. It was ours. I mean, yeah, we noticed you're getting out at night so we decided to let you sleep, you know, 'cause you always seem tired. And Mrs. Maynard agreed. But Theo was the one who told us that you need sleep so we let you sleep. Not such a big deal. Don't be mad. "

  "I'm not. But Theo really said that? Why?"

  "Don't know. He always knows more about you than us, so...we kinda always listen to him. So...uhm...we are already back to camp now. Where are you now? Theo said you are at the sanatorium. He's right, huh?"

  "Yeah. I was. Now I'm on road back to camp."

  "Fine then. See ya. "

  °°°

  When I get inside, I see them all, including Theo, in the kitchen, cooking pizza.

  "Hey y'all" I said with loud voice so that everyone could notice me coming in the room.

  "Helloooo," they yelled in chorus.

  "Where were you, dear? I bet with your new boyfriend. Am I right?" Aiden said while tasting some cheese.

  "Uhm...N-not re-really," I stammered and grabbed a coke from the table in order not to look straight in their eyes.

  "You mean with the idiot psycho new one, " Theo taunted with a big smirk on his face. Shit. Right now I feel I need to punch that dumb face.

  I squint at him and he just simpers and looks at me with a sneer of repugnance while taking a sip of coke.

  Everybody stops from what they were doing and gaze at us in silence.

  "What now?" Tess whispered.

  "Yeah, exactly, what now, Davina? What are you going to do because I insulted your psychotic new friend? You are going to announce in front of everyone that you are going to hate me for the rest of your life? That would be impressive. "

  "I don't hate you, Theo. I don't hate people just like that, just because I can, as you do. And when I hate, I prefer to shut the fuck up. That's what you should do too. Stop wasting your time, Theo. If you hate me that much, stay the fuck away from me and stop looking for quarreling. "

  I tear through the room and slam the door, darting outside and heading to the middle of the camp. My classmates were outside on the benches, one of them playing the guitar and the others surrounding him.

  "Davina, hey! Come here," Jersey yelled and beckoned me to take a sit beside him.

  "What's up? "Are you alright?"

  "I'm not. Theo ruins everything. And he fucking hates me. "

  "And why are you so affected by this? He has always hated you. I mean, you were always some kind of one second enemies, next second allies. There was a constant quarrel between you both, but at the same time, you have never denied carrying about each other. I mean, you are really true friends... despite everything. Don't worry so much about it."

  And then I realize that the hatred we pretended to feel for each other wasn't really true hate. It used to be so easy and normal to tell that we were antipathetic to each other, that we could barely stand each other, that we hate each other in some moments. Then it was really easy. But now, now I don't hate him in any way. And it hurts so damn much to hear from him he does hate me. Because now he really means in. But I cannot hate him at the moment 'cause he did not do anything wrong. I did.

  "You're so right, Jers. But now it's all different. We have never fought like this. Now I really feel like I'm losing him. And I don't want that. He has always been by my side no matter what, and now I've completely disappointed him."

  "Maybe you just need a break and, when you'll feel up to, just go and talk with him. I bet this is exactly what he wants. He wants you to go to him, so that he can see that you really care. If you won't say anything anymore, he will just suppose you don't care about your friendship. Just show him you care. When you feel up to, Davina. "

  "You're right. Thanks, Jersey. Really."

  He punches me gently on the shoulder and lifts my chin, so that I can see Andrew who was playing the guitar.

  "Now listen to the song. And stop being upset. "

  He was playing an Ed Sheeran's song.

  "I didn't mean to break your heart

  I was just lonely

  And everybody falls apart..."

  We got to the moment when we all are humming over and sing the
lyrics, and the song is transformed into a chorus.

  "Okay, guys. Let's don't become depressed now with these completely depressing songs," Andrew yelled. "So come on, everybody with me:

  "And when the stars go out

  You can rest your love on me

  And when the world gets loud

  Baby, you can rest your love on me..."

  After a few minutes, Hayden, Tess and Aiden join us and take a sit right behind us.

  "Awesome. They couldn't wait the party getting started so they started the party on their own," I heard Aiden chortling from behind.

  "Someone should bring some beer and turn on that music and let this party get started," Aiden yelled and everybody starts cheering and whooping and yelling in excitement, including us, including me too, because I just want to get released.

  "Okay, okay, my dear people, you.., " Aiden called out. "We have to be careful with the alcohol and the others things you swallow. We don't want any problems. And don't get too wasted...oh, what the hell, get the fuck wasted, "he yelled again and everyone shouts in excitement.

  We start bringing food and drinks outside on the tables and music is getting deafening, but it's awesome, because I feel the rythmes running through my veins, I feel music in every single cell of my body.

  And I wish Tate was here, with me, at a real party. I wanted him to feel this, the exhilaration this whole thing gives you, the liberty of being whatever you want to be, this moment of being really " young wild and free" In the rest of the cases, we are just young.

  But he won't never feel that, right? He is truly insane, even if I haven't seen the really insane him yet, he really murdered people, in conclusion, it's clear that he won't taste the freedom pretty soon. Maybe he is going to stay there his whole life, and maybe he won't have a 'whole life'.

  But I am sure that he deserves a normal life. And perhaps if he had a normal life from the beginning he wouldn't have got in this situation. But he is too different for a normal shitty life.

  Maybe this is the adventure of his life. To escape Steinfeld Sanatorium, get lost into the woods, kill one or two people he considers they deserve to go to hell, and then getting back in his room like nothing had happened. To stay on the branch of that big old tree and stare at the horizont. Maybe he really fits there, where he is right now.

  And with every single moment like this one, when I just get lost in the rapture...

  I just don't want it to ever end because when it ends it's getting tough and I am returning to my uninteresting life.

  Then I remind of Theo and that I haven't seen him at all at the party. It's not my fault that he chooses to miss all the fun. And maybe this is not his type of fun,...but it is...and he chooses not having fun because he is such a morose sometimes, and obstinate and God, he just wants to seem cool by not having fun when all the others have. This doesn't even make any sense. But I still miss him. Miss him, exactly just the way he is. 'Cause just the way he is made me just choose him as a best friend and a best enemy at the same time. He was two in one.

  ***

  It's been some hours since we keep dancing and dancing, some of my classmates are already stumbling on their feet, but there are just me and my friends that are still sober. 'Cause we drink to have fun and feel carefree, not to get wasted.

  I've seen Theo around but I didn't catch his eye as he was avoiding my look. I mean, he avoids all of us, like he wasn't even one of our best friends.

  It's already 3 a.m and I feel completely wiped out and decide to take a break from the music that already began being earsplitting.

  I started sauntering slowly down the valley and I feel my legs heavy while walking. The music starts getting lower and lower, and now it's just silence around me and the rustle made at every step I was taking.

  "Hello," someone squealed from somewhere around. But the light here was extremely dim and I couldn't see where he was standing.

  I recognize him by his voice, but I'm just taken aback by his presence here, so far from the sanatorium.

  "Hello," I said to him when I noticed him standing somewhere near me. I cannot see his face, but I can surely say that he has a wide smile on his childlike face.

  "What are you doing here, Tate?"

  I asked him as getting closer to him.

  "Uhm...just watch the party from here."

  "I thought about you. You should have came. Nobody would have noticed you."

  "I don't know. I got used with the silence of my room, not with that earsplitting noise. I'm not used to have so many people around me and I feel suffocated when this happens, I'm just used with the loneliness and emptiness around me. "

  "At least do you let me grab for you a beer, some cigarettes and a slice of pizza or something? You deserve this. "

  "Oh, God, I'm begging you," he started giggling and chuckling.

  I turn around, but before taking any step, he calls me.

  "Davina...uhm...thanks...really, I appreciate. Means a lot, though. "

  But I don't say anything because I just forgot all my words as I heard him talking in a such nice and kind way and now he seems the opposite of the guy he was in the first day.

  I stride back across the valley and get in the middle of the party again. I grab some cigarettes from the table and dash inside, get a beer from the fridge and cut a slice of pizza and put it on a pizza box. I run outside trying not to be noticed, but as soon as I get to the darkened area of the camp, I hear a murmur from behind my back.

  "Where are you going with those?"

  "Shit," I tried to say it just from myself, but somehow, I managed to say it out loud.

  "Nowhere, Theo. None of your business anyway. Now you care or what? Stay the fuck away from me, okay? You only make things worse if you keep talking and then I will talk too, and the things will only transform into the biggest shit. And I don't want that. "

  "First, I've always cared 'cause I know you cannot take care of yourself and you get into troubles just because you are too unwary most of the times. And second, yeah, I try to stay away from you. I really do. But fuck, it doesn't work 'cause you are like everywhere and this starts pissing me off," he said in a desperate tone.

  " And third, " he started snapping at me, " I'm not that stupid, fine, and you don't fool me. It's not like I don't know. 'Cause I know. Now fuck off and feed your little psychopath," he snickered in that completely bothering way of him.

  "Fuck you, Theo," I snapped back. "Nobody gives you the right to talk about him like that. I've told you to stay the fuck away from me. God, Theo," I muttered.

  I turn around and dash across the valley and get to the place Tate was.

  But I lashed into tears when I got there.

  "What happened? Davina, what happened?" he yelled at me while standing right beside me. "Oh, I'm gonna kill that motherfu-"

  "No, you won't, Tate. I'm fine. "

  "Are you sure? You don't seem fine. Nevermind. So thanks a lot for these," he said while grabbing the beer, the cigarettes and the pizza.

  He holds everything in his right hand, and with the other, grabs my wrist and pulls me after him. And I let him take me wherever he wants.

  After some quiet moments, he intertwines our fingers and we keep pacing along, as far away from the camp.

  "Let's stay here." He shows me a place a little bit illuminated by the moon light. He sits down on the grass and dead leaves and I stand right next to him, our shoulders touching.

  "God," he muttered. "This pizza is amazing. God, I would never stop eating this. Thanks, Davina. "

  We don't say anything more and I just let him enjoy his pizza.

  Then he opens the bottle of beer and quaffs it all, and light a cigarette. The way he inhales the smoke and holds it as long as he can in his lungs, and then how he lets the smoke out...Why it's so beautiful such a simple thing?

  We don't say anything a long time after he finishes eating and drinking. And it's not an awkward silence between us. It's our own silence so we enjoy it.

/>   He stubs out his last cigarette, cause he chainsmoked all of them to the last one.

  "That was...nice," he said. "But I wouldn't do that in every single day of my life, like you all teenagers do. I wouldn't kill myself more and more every day. And you only appreciate material things and you think that they make you happy. Yeah, kinda true sometimes, but do they matter anymore when you are just fucked up in your inside? I'm talking bullshit, sorry. "

  "No, you're not, dude. You always say things that make sense. And it's just amazing just to stay here and listen to you, hearing your words and your silence at the same time. "

  "Should I say thanks now? Well thanks. You only say nice things to me and that doesn't ever happen. You are the only person who just....see a good in me. You are the only one, Davina, who have ever fucking cared about my existence. And who have ever stayed that close to me. That have ever understood the way I am. So I'm glad that that girl with dumb and annoying face came in through the door that day and started talking and talking. I was a taciturn until that day. And now I cannot stop maundering. You just...changed everything. "

  These words...

  The way he speaks them...

  My coming there seemed no big deal for me, but for him meant the world, because I was his first and his only friend. I was his best friend.

  He cannot be insane. He doesn't have a psychotic behavior. He cannot be dangerous. He is just an innocent 17 years old kid...who murdered. But had he really murdered those people?

  "Tate, I just..."

  "Shh. Don't ruin the moment," he chortled and I started giggling. " Okay, it's alright now. What did you wanted to say?"

  "You're just amazing, Tate. You should know that. "

  I interlace our fingers and he holds my hand tighter and tighter and pull himself closer to me. I nestle my head on his shoulder and we are just standing there, in the darkness. I listen his fastening breathe and I feel his hand trembling into mine. Actually his whole body is trembling.

  "Are you alright?" I asked him while trying to see his face better in the darkness.