Magic and Other Misdemeanors

by Michael Buckley

  “Is this a torture chamber?” Puck asked eagerly. “Listen to all the suffering! Isn’t it cool?”

  “This is a dental office,” the receptionist explained. “People come here to get a healthy smile.”

  There was another groan.

  Puck laughed. “Sure! That guy sounds like he’s smiling, all right! Are you hiring?”

  The receptionist brought them to a room where they found the gingerbread witch probing the teeth of a very nervous man in a chair. Sabrina had read the story of Hansel and Gretel and knew the witch’s reputation, but at the same time she knew Frau P occasionally came to the family’s assistance. Was she one of the good guys or a villain? Sabrina couldn’t be sure. She had certainly never suspected that the woman’s day job was dentistry. Hadn’t she once had a house made out of candy?

  “Mr. Easy, can you feel that?” she asked her patient. He had a suction tube in his mouth and Dr. P’s fingers on his tongue.

  The man said no, though with some difficulty.

  “What about that?”

  “No!”

  “Good, and what about this one here?”

  The man cried out in agony.

  “OK, looks like you need some more gas,” the witch said, covering Mr. Easy’s face with a mask connected to a tank by a long tube. The man took several deep breaths and his tense hands relaxed their grip on the sides of his chair.

  “Hello, Grimms. What can I do for you?” the witch said. “I’m having a special on root canals.”

  “We’ll pass,” Sabrina said. “We’re investigating a series of crimes. Maybe you’ve heard about Morgan le Fay and Baba Yaga’s problems?”

  “Indeed I have,” the witch said. “Let me finish up with Mr. Easy here, and I’ll be right with you.”

  Dr. P picked up a tiny drill and turned it on. It whined loudly, and then she went to work on the poor man’s teeth. The gas she had given him must have been wonderfully strong, as he barely even noticed the awful crunching noises.

  Puck pushed his way in front of the girls to get a better view of the procedure. “I think I know what I want to be when I grow up,” he said.

  “Oh, there’s lots of money in dentistry,” the witch said over the noise. “People just can’t get enough of the sugary sweets and they rarely floss. I’ve got appointments backed up for months.”

  “You mean, people pay you to do this to them? I thought you had captured these people and brought them here against their will. How do I become a dentist?”

  “You have to go to school,” Sabrina said, hoping the thought of an education might deter Puck’s sudden career choice.

  “You do?” the witch said, eyeing Sabrina. “I didn’t know that.”

  Mr. Easy let out a groan, then mumbled something about seeing her medical license.

  “What’s that? You need more gas?” the witch said, shoving the mask back onto the man’s face. Several seconds later he returned to la-la land. “I used to sell candy out of this place, but once the story got around, I couldn’t drag children into the store.”

  “The Hansel and Gretel story?” Daphne said to clarify.

  The witch nodded. “It ruined my business.”

  “Are you surprised?” Sabrina said.

  “You did try to eat them,” Daphne added.

  “Oh, I did not!” the witch said, suddenly jerking and making a terrible cracking sound in Mr. Easy’s mouth. “I was just trying to scare the little brats.”

  “That’s not what I read,” Sabrina said. She knew the story of Hansel and Gretel, two children who wandered into the woods and found a house made out of candy and gingerbread. The witch had captured the children and tried to fatten them up so she could devour them. It was gruesome stuff.

  “Well, you shouldn’t believe everything you read. First of all, those kids were out of control, wandering around in the woods, making all kinds of racket. I mean, what kind of parent lets their kids play in a forest? Really! People should have to have a license to have children.

  “Second, they were eating my house,” the witch continued as she went back to work on Mr. Easy’s bicuspid. “The boy was outside gnawing on the fence, the girl was licking the shutters. Mongrels, that’s what they were. I called the police and you know what they told me? If I was going to live in a house made of candy, I should expect children to come along and eat it. Is that what I was paying taxes for? No! So, I took the law into my own hands.”

  “You put them into a cage!” Sabrina said.

  Puck laughed. “That’s so awesome.”

  “It was only for a couple of hours. I fed them too, and trust me, it was the only decent meal the kids had had in a long time. Their mother never saw a carbohydrate she didn’t love, and those kids were really packing on the pounds. That’s the part of the story no one’s ever heard. Yes, I fed them, but I gave them a salad. They had no idea what it was—apparently, they’d never had a meal that wasn’t covered in cheese sauce! Well, after dinner I let them go and before I knew it I was being called a cannibal. The only thing bigger than their waistbands was their imagination.”

  The witch set her tools down and took off her rubber gloves. “Mr. Easy, I’ve got good news and bad news,” she said to her patient, who gazed at her dreamily. “The good news is we’re going to be able to save the bicuspid. The bad news: All the other teeth are going to have to come out.”

  “What?” Mr. Easy cried.

  “You need more gas,” Frau Pfefferkuchenhaus said as she took the mask and put it over her patient’s mouth and nose. “Just breathe deep.”

  Mr. Easy’s head was wobbly and a line of drool was dribbling down his chin. “Mughadinkalbeettershpliem,” he mumbled.

  The witch got up from her chair and led the children out into the hallway.

  “We don’t want to bother you, but we were wondering if anything has been stolen. Say, something magical?” Sabrina said.

  The ancient witch shuffled uncomfortably and nodded. “I had a small vial of water from the Fountain of Youth.”

  “Why didn’t you ever use it?” Puck asked rudely.

  “It doesn’t make you young,” she replied with an angry glare.

  “Uh, can we back up? What does this water do?” Daphne said.

  “It stops you from getting any older. For an Everafter like me, it’s worthless—we’re immortal anyway—but I thought I might make a little extra cash someday selling what little I have to a human. Unfortunately, when I came in this morning, it was gone. Someone stole it right out of my locker.”

  “Could we take a look at the locker?” Sabrina asked.

  The witch led the children down a hallway into a small room. There they found a table, some jackets hanging on the wall, and a row of lockers. One of the lockers had the door ripped off its hinges. It lay on the floor in a twisted heap.

  “Whoever did it was strong enough to rip the door off,” the witch said.

  “No,” Sabrina said, holding the warped locker door. “It pushed itself out from the inside. If someone had ripped it off, the bend would be going in the opposite direction.”

  She looked inside the locker and spotted the woman’s handbag. There was a small hole in the side of it, identical to the one in Morgan le Fay’s bag.

  “So, you think whatever stole the water came out of this locker?” the witch said.

  Sabrina nodded.

  “Can you get the vial back for me?” the old witch continued.

  “We’re going to try,” Sabrina said. “But maybe you can answer one more question. So far, the Wand of Merlin, the Wonder Clock, and your magic water are missing. Why would someone want those three things?”

  Just then, the receptionist entered the room. “Dr. P, Mr. Easy is trying to escape.”

  “Give him some more gas and sit on him if you have to. I’ll be right there,” the witch said. When the receptionist raced back to the patient, the witch turned back to the children. “I can’t honestly say. They’re all pretty powerful items. Any one of them could cause ha
voc in the wrong hands. I wonder if the crooks are trying to use them all together.”

  “All together?” Sabrina said. “You can do that?”

  “Sure. If you combine the properties of different magical items, you can create a brand-new kind of enchantment, though you’d have to be a pretty good sorcerer to make sure it didn’t blow up in your face. Combining magical items can have unpredictable side-effects. Listen, I’ve got to run. The teeth don’t pull themselves. If you find anything, let me know.”

  The witch darted down the hallway and left them alone.

  “So, what have we learned?” Daphne asked, doing a funny impression of their grandmother’s German accent. Then she pretended to get out a notebook and pen and jot down notes.

  “I learned that you need no formal training to be a dentist!” Puck said.

  “The Lilliputians and the mice are no longer suspects,” Sabrina said. “Neither are strong enough to rip a steel locker door off its hinges. Unless they were on steroids.”

  “I’m lost,” Daphne said. “Three break-ins, all done by something small and sneaky. We’re going to have to go through the journals again.”

  The children exited the office and found their uncle and Briar Rose exactly where they had left them in front of the cafe.

  “Any luck?” Uncle Jake asked when he finally noticed that they were waiting for him.

  “A little, but we need to get home,” Sabrina said.

  The adults both frowned, but Uncle Jake eventually shrugged. He took the princess’s hand and kissed it. “Until we meet again.”

  “OK, enough!” Puck cried. “If I have to, I’ll turn a hose on you both.”

  Uncle Jake scowled. But before he could complain about them ruining his romantic moment, there was a terrible rumble, as if a tiny earthquake was erupting directly beneath the town. The tremors continued to grow in power, and then an explosion rattled the windows of the coffee shop. The noise had come from up the street. They all turned in that direction and found an unwelcome yet familiar sight. Baba Yaga and her house were stomping through town, in full view of humans. Worse, the witch was shooting buildings with fireballs emanating from one of her magic wands.

  want my property!” the witch shrieked.

  “Briar, you might want to get to safety,” Uncle Jake said as he began digging in his pockets.

  “What about you?” Briar cried.

  “Don’t worry, I’m a Grimm. This is what we do.”

  Sabrina watched the princess run and wondered if she and her family should do the same. The witch was tearing through town, blasting one building after another. She screeched at the top of her lungs to be heard over the explosions and rumbling footsteps.

  “Look at her!” Puck shouted. “She’s horrible! She’s like my soulmate!”

  The house came to a stop outside the coffee shop and then bent down so that Uncle Jake’s face and Baba Yaga’s were a few feet apart. The witch breathed heavily and growled like an angry dog.

  “Let me guess. You haven’t had your coffee,” Uncle Jake said. “I’ll run in and get you one, and you’ll feel better right away. How about a muffin to go with that? I hear the blueberry is to die for.”

  Baba Yaga shrieked again. “Have you got my wand, Grimm?”

  Uncle Jake shook his head sheepishly.

  “Then I will find it myself and woe to anyone who stands in my way.”

  “First, who uses the word ‘woe’ anymore?” Jake said. “Second, are you planning on burning the town down until someone confesses?”

  Baba Yaga nodded. “Step aside, Jacob.”

  “No can do. You see, this store is owned by my would-be girlfriend. I can’t let you burn it down. But if you have to destroy something, the tax assessor’s office is just up the block.”

  Baba Yaga lifted her hands and a ball of fire appeared in them. It grew and grew and when it was as big as a beach ball, she wound up like a major-league pitcher.

  “Uh-uh,” Uncle Jake said. He took a small green amulet from one of his pockets and held it above his head. A light shot out of it and rose high into the air, then arced down and slammed into the ground as if it were more than particles or waves, but one solid, heavy mass. The ground shook and a tremor rose up like a mighty ocean wave, buckling the concrete and toppling Baba Yaga’s house. The hut’s hideous legs flailed as it tried desperately to right itself. Unfortunately, it wasn’t long before it was back on its feet and stomping around angrily.

  “What now?” Sabrina said.

  “What do you mean ‘what now’?” Uncle Jake said. “That should have taken care of her.”

  And then something happened that surprised even Baba Yaga—a thick black storm cloud appeared overhead. The wind swirled viciously, whipping across the street and ripping the awning off the front of Sacred Grounds. There was a flash of lightning and a loud explosion and then, as if they had stepped out of nowhere, a dozen men in loincloths and painted faces appeared. They were bare-chested and shoeless, and their skin was dark and tanned. A few held tomahawks in their hands, some had long spears, and others had bows and arrows. To Sabrina, they looked as if they had stepped out of the Native American exhibit at the Museum of Natural History.

  The men scanned the area and seemed to understand that the house was a threat. They trained their weapons on Baba Yaga and shouted to one another in an odd, guttural language Sabrina couldn’t understand.

  One of the men bellowed and charged the house. The others followed, attacking with ferocious might. Their spears stabbed at the house’s legs, causing it to hop up and down. Sabrina watched as Baba Yaga tried to cast a spell, most likely against the men, but with the house rocking back and forth so much, she couldn’t keep her balance. Some of the men launched their arrows at the windows, and the witch had to dive out of the way to avoid being hit. A few of the arrows stuck into the sides of the house, and Sabrina sensed that the odd shack was in pain. Other men climbed the legs of the house, taking advantage of its confusion, and smashed their tomahawks into the walls. Pieces of wood splintered and fell to the ground.

  “Nice work,” Daphne said to their uncle.

  “Uh, I didn’t do this,” Uncle Jake said, completely flabbergasted as he looked down at the little amulet. “At least, I don’t think so.”

  Nottingham raced down the street with his dagger in hand. He came to a screeching halt when he spotted the strange scene in the middle of the road.

  “Your little butter scraper isn’t going to do much,” Uncle Jake said to Nottingham as he pointed to the rows of burning buildings. “We’ve got a bigger problem now anyway. We need the Fire Department.”

  Nottingham’s face turned red. “That’s not possible.”

  “What? Why?” Sabrina demanded.

  “The Fire Department was disbanded. The mayor had to make cuts and there wasn’t room for them in the budget. Charming left us with quite a debt, you know.”

  “What are we going to do?” Sabrina yelled as the strange men fired another volley of arrows at Baba Yaga’s shack.

  “I’ll handle it.” Uncle Jake fumbled around in his pockets. He took out a golden ring, placed it on his hand, then rubbed it against his coat sleeve to shine the brilliant emerald at its center. He whispered something into it and it lit up like a brilliant firecracker. A moment later the sky emptied buckets of water down on everything. There was so much rain that Sabrina could barely see her sister to grab her hand. The rain swallowed up the flames, saving the town from imminent destruction.

  When the rain slowed, Sabrina realized that the bizarre storm had vanished, along with the men and their weapons. All that was left was a bewildered Baba Yaga and her damaged home.

  “I am not finished!” Baba Yaga cried as she craned her head out of one of her broken windows. “I’ll be back!”

  The house turned and stomped back down the street the way it came.

  “Native Americans?” Granny Relda asked.

  Uncle Jake nodded. “That’s what they looked like to me.”<
br />
  Mr. Canis groaned. “And where are they now?”

  “They vanished the way they came—into thin air,” Uncle Jake said, examining his amulet.

  “I wonder how Mayor Heart will clean up that mess without a coven of witches on her side. The Three used to take care of those kinds of things when Charming was in charge,” Granny said.

  “That’s her problem now. We still have to deal with Baba Yaga,” Mr. Canis replied. “The truth is, someone has to keep an eye on her. I should track her and make sure she doesn’t get too close to the town.”

  “No,” Granny Relda said. “Jacob will take care of that.”

  “Me?” Uncle Jake cried. “She threatened to eat me once.”

  “I’ll go with you,” Puck said. “I’m learning a lot from the old witch.”

  “Fine. Mr. Canis, I was hoping you would look after the girls,” Granny suggested.

  “What about the case?” Daphne said.

  Granny shook her head. “Liebling, I’m afraid we’re going to have to put detective work on hold. There are too many emergencies to deal with, and we can’t be everywhere at the same time.”

  “But—” Sabrina started, but her grandmother threw up her hands.

  “We just can’t. Now, I have to get ready. Ms. White has agreed to take me to the bank. I’m applying for a loan to pay our taxes.”

  Everyone darted off in his or her own direction, leaving Sabrina and Daphne alone with Mr. Canis, who didn’t look at all happy to be stuck with the girls.

  “So . . . ,” Sabrina said as she eyed the old man. His upper fangs had started to creep down his lips.

  “So,” he huffed.

  “You’re babysitting us, huh?”

  Mr. Canis raised his eyebrows, acknowledging his new role.

  “Want to play a game?” Daphne asked. “We’ve got Candy Land.”

  Mr. Canis shifted uncomfortably.

  “No!” Daphne cried as she jumped to her feet. “I know what we can do. We can play dress-up!”

  Sabrina couldn’t help but laugh.

  “Perhaps we should continue with our tracking lessons,” Mr. Canis said to the girls. “Put on your boots. We still have a few hours of daylight.”