Magic and Other Misdemeanors

by Michael Buckley

  Snow White laughed and the others joined her.

  “Ms. White, I know he loves you,” Daphne said. “He’s going to pop up any day now.”

  “I hope you’re right,” Ms. White said.

  “Well, when he does, I hope you give him a karate kick to the behind,” Briar Rose said, which caused the four women to burst into laughter again.

  “Briar, I swear, you don’t say much, but when you do it’s hilarious,” Rapunzel said. “Girls, I’ve got an idea, and you can tell me I’m nuts and say forget it, but how about we make this a regular thing?”

  The women glanced at one another hesitantly.

  “Come on!” Rapunzel cried. “We’ve been avoiding each other in this silly little town for two hundred years! Let’s put it all behind us, meet for brunch, start a book club, gossip. Let’s be friends!”

  “I don’t know,” Cindy said hesitantly.

  “What if we played poker?” Briar Rose suggested.

  “I’m in,” Ms. White said quickly.

  Dr. Cindy threw up her arms in surrender. “How are Tuesday nights?”

  “Can I come?” Daphne asked.

  The table roared with laughter. “Of course you can come,” Ms. White said.

  “So that settles it,” Rapunzel replied. “Tuesday nights at my place. You bring the wine and I’ll make something decadent that we shouldn’t eat. We’ll call ourselves the Poker Princesses.”

  The women nodded enthusiastically, and even Sabrina joined in.

  Puck came over with a sack of muffins. “What’s all the commotion?”

  “And no boys!” Rapunzel cried, and the Poker Princesses applauded.

  Puck grumbled and stormed out of the coffee shop. Sabrina grabbed her sister, said their good-byes, and chased after the fairy.

  “We’ve got to get back,” Sabrina said as they left. “Granny is going to miss us.”

  Oddly, Granny hadn’t missed them. There had been a run at the yard sale and nearly three quarters of the items were sold. When the children landed in the backyard and circled the house to check in with the sale, they found their grandmother counting a huge stack of bills. Puck rushed up to his room for fear of being drafted into helping put things away.

  “Oh, hello girls,” Granny said. “As they say in the business world, we made a killing.”

  “Enough to pay the taxes?” Daphne asked.

  Granny Relda nodded. “Enough to put us over the top, I think. If you’ll help Mr. Canis bring what’s left back into the house, we can go down and pay the bill. It will be nice to have this off my shoulders.”

  The children carried the rest of the things back inside and put them in their original places. When everything was settled, the house seemed emptier. Paintings were gone, as was the overstuffed chair in the living room. Most of the rugs and kitchen utensils had been sold, including the toaster and the coffeepot. Daphne was heartbroken when she discovered Granny had sold the icecream scoop.

  Suddenly, Charming’s full-length mirror, which he had leaned on the wall of the living room, began to warp and shimmer. The prince stepped through the reflection and into the room. He sported a fresh shave and haircut, and he had swapped Uncle Jake’s jeans for a stylish, clean suit. Apparently, the Hotel of Wonders lived up to its reputation as a full-service resort.

  “Swanky,” Daphne said.

  “Perhaps later you’ll give me a tour of your mirror,” Granny Relda said. “I’ve never been inside any but our own.” Charming nodded. “Perhaps.”

  “Well, I suppose I should go and fetch Mr. Canis and Jacob,” Granny said as she hurried upstairs. “We’ve got the tax money. Oh, I do so hope that it ruins Mayor Heart’s day.”

  When she was gone, the children turned to Charming.

  “What did you find?” he asked.

  “Whoever has the stolen items has got them stashed somewhere near the river. We were picking up big vibes down by Sacred Grounds and the radio station.”

  “Mucho huge-o vibes,” Daphne added, and then her tone turned angry. “We also saw Ms. White.”

  “How is she?” Charming asked.

  “Heartbroken!”

  Charming lowered his eyes.

  “She’s a mess,” Sabrina said. “You should send her a note, anything, just to let her know you are OK. She thinks you’re dead.”

  “I can’t,” he said.

  “But—”

  “Stop! My decision is final,” Charming shouted. “I know you don’t understand. I can’t expect you to. It’s not easy to know she is hurt and that it is my fault, but you should know that I would do anything for her—anything!”

  “Fine,” Sabrina said, throwing her hands up. Daphne frowned but didn’t argue.

  Granny returned with Mr. Canis and Uncle Jake. The old man looked at Charming with distaste.

  “Girls, how would you like to see the mayor’s head pop off?” Granny asked. “Want to come with us to the tax office?”

  “I wouldn’t miss that for the world.” Sabrina smiled.

  Uncle Jake reached into his pocket and took out a camera. “I’m taking pictures!”

  “William, since you are in hiding, would you mind looking after the house while we’re gone?” the old woman asked.

  “Do you think it is wise to leave him here alone?” Canis demanded before Charming could answer.

  Granny flushed. “Mr. Canis!”

  “You think I’m going to rob you blind?” Charming asked.

  “I think you might try,” Canis said, hovering close to Charming’s face.

  “Gentlemen! That’s enough!” Granny shouted.

  Canis nodded reluctantly and stormed outside. Sabrina could hear him slam the car door, and then the family’s ancient car engine roared to life, spitting and knocking violently.

  When everyone got into the car, Canis threw the old jalopy into reverse and whipped out into the street. When he put it into drive, the engine screamed like a cat in a bathtub. Canis ignored its protests and pounded his foot onto the accelerator.

  “That was entirely uncalled for!” Granny shouted over the noise.

  “Having him in the house is entirely uncalled for!” Canis yelled back.

  Sabrina and Daphne were shocked. Even when they’d fought the last few days, the girls had never heard Mr. Canis raise his voice at their grandmother. In a world filled with people the old man couldn’t stand, Granny Relda had always had his utmost respect.

  “I know that the two of you have had your history,” Granny said. “But the man is homeless.”

  “That man deserves no better than to be homeless.”

  “It is not in my habit to turn away a person in need,” Granny said.

  “Then you are a fool!” Canis declared.

  “Was I a fool when I took you in?” Granny shouted back. “When even my husband told me you were untrustworthy, I turned a deaf ear. And you have become the dearest friend I have and my most trusted companion.”

  Canis was silent but steaming.

  “I’m sorry about the angry words,” Granny said when the family finally reached the courthouse. “Let’s try to forget them. Today is a happy day.”

  Canis grunted and looked out of the window. “I’ll wait here.”

  The crowd of protesters from the day before was gone. Only a few stragglers remained, and they looked even more desperate. This time they showed no resistance to letting the family pass. Granny, Uncle Jake, and the girls climbed the steps and went inside. The security guard they had met the day before was standing in the same spot. He seemed surprised to see the family. They waved to him and continued down the hallway to the tax office. Once inside, Granny rang the bell for service.

  “I really can’t wait to see her face,” Granny said softly.

  It wasn’t long before Mayor Heart came around the corner. She spotted the family and gasped. “What are you doing here?”

  “We’ve come to pay our taxes, of course,” Granny said, setting a bag of money on the countertop.

 
The woman snatched her megaphone and raised it to her crooked mouth. “THAT’S NOT POSSIBLE! NOTTINGHAM!” she shouted, then slammed the device down on the countertop so hard Sabrina thought it might break.

  “Someone’s having a bad day,” Daphne said with a grin.

  Seconds later, Sheriff Nottingham hobbled into the room. “What is it, woman? Don’t you know I have my hands full? The phone is ringing off the hook. Apparently some fool in a civil war uniform is over on Applebee’s farm firing a musket!”

  “The Grimms have come to pay their taxes . . . AGAIN!” Heart said, pointing an angry finger at the family.

  The sheriff nodded, but his face was dark and angry. “I know.”

  “It’s all there, Sheriff, and like before I’m going to need a receipt,” Granny Relda said.

  “You’re enjoying this!” Heart shouted.

  “What? Paying taxes? I doubt there are too many people who enjoy it,” Granny said.

  “Well, you can come in here with a million dollars next time and it won’t change the inevitable. I want you out of this town, Relda Grimm—you and your filthy brood. I want every human being out of Ferryport Landing, and what I want I get.”

  Suddenly, the door flew open and one of the playing-card soldiers raced inside.

  “Sheriff, we’ve got a situation!” he yelled.

  “Calm yourself down, you idiot!”

  “There’s a ship coming up the river,” the solider said. “I just heard about it on my radio. The witnesses say it’s pretty old.”

  “So what,” Nottingham said. “Ships come up and down the river every day.”

  “This one has cannons mounted on it,” the guard said.

  “Cannons?” Granny repeated.

  Just then, the walkie-talkie strapped to the guard’s waist squawked and a voice came on. “Seven of Clubs, you’re not going to believe this ship. There must be a thousand people on it, and they’re all dressed like they’re going to a costume party. Plus, you gotta see this storm. It just came out of nowhere. Wait a minute . . . I think the boat has a name painted on the side. It looks German . . . ‘Neuer Anfang.’”

  “New Beginning,” Granny translated.

  “It can’t be!” Mayor Heart shouted.

  Nottingham leaped over the counter that divided the room and pushed through the family as he raced out the door. Mayor Heart was hot on his heels.

  “What?” Sabrina cried. “What’s the big deal about this ship?

  Uncle Jake shook her head in disbelief. “It’s impossible. It can’t be the New Beginning.”

  Mr. Canis was already out of the car and hurrying to join them when they exited the courthouse. “You’ve heard?”

  Granny nodded. “It must be some kind of prank.”

  “It’s not,” Canis said. “I can smell the boat. I’ll never forget that smell.”

  The family raced down the street as fast as they could. By the time they reached the tiny marina, Granny Relda was out of breath and there was a huge crowd of people looking out on the river. The Grimms weaved through the mob until they got to the front. There it was: a massive sailing ship with several white flags fluttering in the cool spring breeze. Even from the shore Sabrina could see a crowd on board staring back at them. A tiny rowboat was already cruising toward the shore with a lone man at the oars.

  “Who is it?” Daphne wondered, looking across the river.

  Granny reached into her huge handbag and took out a pair of binoculars. “Oh dear,” she said when she peered through the lenses.

  “What? Who is it?” Sabrina asked, and Granny handed her the binoculars. She adjusted them and looked out toward the ship. The deck was filled with princes, princesses, witches, ogres, dwarves, oddly dressed people, and numerous hairy and feathered creatures. She searched the water for the rowboat. A man with brown hair and a rather large nose was approaching the shore. He seemed oddly familiar, as if she had seen a picture of him before, or maybe a drawing . . . Then it dawned on her who it was.

  “Children, that’s your great-great-great-great-greatgrandfather. That’s Wilhelm Grimm,” Granny said.

  abrina glanced at the sky. A swirling black storm—another tear in time—was rapidly vanishing from above the river.

  The little rowboat drifted to the shore and Wilhelm leaped out. He was shorter than Sabrina expected. He was wearing a long brown coat and a wide-brimmed hat. His eyes were almost black and quite small. He turned and gazed at the crowd with awe and wonder.

  “Ist das Amerika?” Wilhelm asked.

  “Ja, das ist Amerika. Willkommen, Wilhelm. Willkommen,” Granny said.

  “What did you just say?” Daphne asked.

  “I just welcomed him to America,” Granny said, then turned back to Wilhelm. “Do you speak English?”

  “Ja, a little,” Wilhelm said. “Is this New York?” Granny nodded.

  Wilhelm studied the crowd. He spotted Briar Rose on the shore and rushed to her. Confused and excited, he took her hand, then looked back at his ship. “Wie sind Sie hier herkommen? Waren Sie auf dem Schiff?” he asked.

  “What is he saying?” Ms. Rose asked.

  “He’s confused,” Granny explained.

  “How can you be here?” Wilhelm turned and pointed at the ship. “And there?”

  Before anyone could explain, Nottingham pulled handcuffs from his jacket and clamped them around Wilhelm’s wrists. “Ask him if he understands he’s under arrest.”

  Nottingham led Wilhelm from the marina toward the town jail. Granny was at the head of a crowd demanding the man’s release, while also doing her best to explain what was happening to the family’s bewildered ancestor.

  As she left, Granny instructed Sabrina and Daphne to stay with Mr. Canis and to help make sure that no one else rowed from the New Beginning to shore or from the marina to the ship.

  “I’m on that boat,” Briar Rose said as Uncle Jake took her hand. “I mean, I was on that boat. I mean . . . I don’t know what I mean.”

  “How did this happen?” Mr. Seven asked, pushing his way through the crowd.

  Sabrina and Daphne looked at each other. They knew exactly how it happened. They just didn’t know who or what was causing it. Apparently, their conspiratorial look wasn’t lost on Mr. Canis. He snatched them both by the arm and dragged them out of earshot of the crowd.

  “You know something,” he said.

  Sabrina did her best to play innocent. She glanced over at Daphne, who was whipping her head around, trying to avoid the old man’s eyes.

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Sabrina mumbled.

  “Child, this is no time for lies,” Canis growled.

  “We promised Mr. Charming that we wouldn’t say anything,” Daphne blurted out. Sabrina scowled. Daphne was just no good at lying.

  Canis bristled. “I should have known he had something to do with this.”

  “You’ve got it wrong, Mr. Canis,” Sabrina said, throwing her hands up in surrender. “He’s trying to help.”

  “Help who?”

  “It’s going to sound crazy.”

  “Try me,” the hulking man said. Sabrina looked up into his face. She saw his wolfen features, clearer every day, and realized he might actually understand. “It’s a tear in time,” Sabrina said. “It’s been happening all over town, but this is the biggest incident yet.”

  “A tear in what?”

  “In time. Things are slipping out of the future and the past.”

  “And how do you know this?”

  “Because we slipped through one ourselves,” Daphne said. “Yesterday when you took us out into the forest we didn’t get lost. We got sent to the future!”

  “We went fifteen years ahead,” Sabrina added.

  “How does Charming have anything to do with this?” Canis asked impatiently.

  “He was stuck there too. He’d been pulled into one of these tears right after the election,” Daphne said. “He had been trying to find a way back for months.”

  “Why di
dn’t you tell anyone?” Canis asked.

  “Charming made us promise to keep it to ourselves. We know things . . . about the future. He thinks that we should keep them a secret so we can change things without anyone getting in the way.”

  “What is so bad about the future that needs to be changed?” Canis asked.

  A tear rolled down Daphne’s cheek. “You weren’t in the future. The Wolf was.”

  Canis looked shaken but controlled himself.

  “We’re trying to change as much as we can,” Sabrina said. “You can’t tell anyone, not even Granny.”

  “How do we stop these time tears?” Canis asked.

  “We don’t know,” Daphne said. “We’ve got something that helps us find them, but I’m not very good at using it yet.”

  “We think that all those stolen magical items we’ve been investigating are being used together, and they’re causing the tears,” Sabrina explained as best she could. “We know that in the future we never found the missing items. If we can locate them, we might be able fix the tears and change the future at the same time.”

  Just then, an enormous fiery explosion smacked into the beach, sending rock and sand in all directions. When Sabrina searched for the source of the attack she noticed that one of the cannons on the ship had smoke coming out of it.

  “They’re firing on us!” Sabrina exclaimed.

  “Of course, we just arrested their captain,” Canis said, rushing back to the dock. “Those aren’t pebbles they’re throwing at you, people. Get back!”

  Another blast rocked the beach.

  “Are we going to stand here and let them fire on us?” King Arthur shouted as he stepped through the crowd. “Shouldn’t we fire back?”

  “Not if you don’t want to wipe out your own existence,” a saggy-jowled man said from the crowd. Sabrina thought at first that he was just an old man, but then she realized his wrinkled skin wasn’t skin at all but an old burlap sack. He had straw sticking out of his cuffs, and he wore an old farmer’s hat on his head.

  “What are you talking about, Scarecrow?” Mr. Seven shouted.