Dangers of Love

by M. S. Parker

  “Hey, I’m running Aline to work. Meet me over at Life Storage in thirty minutes.”

  “Which one?” Cain asked.

  “East Commercial.” I pulled out a couple bills and set them on the counter. “Pick us up some beer and make it the good stuff, not that shit you marines drink, Dez.”

  “Bite me.”

  I was laughing as Aline and I went to my car, but my heart was only half in it. We still hadn’t gotten the test results, and I really didn’t like the idea of her being away from me when she got the call. Except I liked the idea of her working when she was possibly in a – for lack of a better phrase – delicate condition even less.

  Neither of us talked on the way to the boutique, but I didn’t know if her silence was because she was thinking about something or if she was still annoyed at me, and I didn’t know how to ask without sounding like a complete asshat. I’d put my foot in my mouth more than once with her, and she was too important to me to risk saying something stupid. Again.

  I parked as close to the boutique door as I could without taking a handicap space and then turned to Aline. “You said you get off at seven?”

  “Yes.”

  “I’ll be back then.”

  “That’s not necessary,” Aline said. Before I could argue, she added, “Martina gets off at seven, too, so we’ll go home together.”

  “Oh.” I hadn’t even considered that possibility. “That’s good.”

  “Thank you for driving me.” She leaned over and kissed my cheek.

  I hoped that meant we were still good. I did have something I needed to ask her before she got out, though. “Will you call me as soon as you get the test results?”

  She smiled. “Of course.”

  That made me feel better, but as I watched her walk into the boutique, I still wished that she was staying with me, that we were going to be waiting for the call together. It wasn’t only that I wanted to be there for that news, though. I just didn’t want to leave her here. The need to protect her, to watch over her, was stronger than anything I’d ever felt for another human being, not even my family.

  It was harder than I liked to drive away and nearly impossible to tell myself that it was the right thing to do. But I did.

  Twenty-Two

  Aline

  I’d never truly appreciated how monotony could pass the time. It didn’t speed it up, exactly, but made it blur together, made the time…inconsequential. I’d made it three-quarters of the way through the inventory list when my phone rang. I jumped, startled, and then fumbled for my phone.

  I usually kept it on silent while I worked, but I hadn’t wanted to risk missing the call from Dr. Rhimes. I’d told Martina that I had an important call coming at some point that afternoon or evening, but not what it was about. She hadn’t asked, and I was thankful for her trust in that respect.

  Now, as I answered my phone, a part of me wished I would have told her, if only so that I could’ve had support as I heard the news that could, quite possibly, change my life.

  “Dr. Rhimes?”

  “I have the result of your blood test.”

  She wasn’t going to draw this out, which I appreciated, but I wasn’t ready to hear it. I needed more time to brace myself. To prepare.

  No. I needed to face things head-on, no matter what was coming.

  She must have been waiting for me to give some sort of indication that I was ready because she didn’t speak until I asked, “What is it?”

  “You’re pregnant.”

  I sank down on a chair. I wasn’t really surprised. I’d suspected as much from the moment she’d told me to get the test. I’d felt it, in some way I couldn’t quite explain, and then it’d been all but confirmed when she’d told me about the IUD having moved.

  Somehow, it still shocked me.

  “Aline?”

  “I’m here.” My voice sounded like it was coming from far away.

  “I know this wasn’t expected,” she continued, “and you don’t have to decide anything right this second. In fact, my advice would be to not make any decisions for at least a couple days. You have time to process and make sure that what you’re doing is truly what you want.”

  I found myself nodding, even though she couldn’t see me. “Yes. That’s good. Yes.”

  “Are you okay?”

  The concern in her voice jarred me out of my daze enough to realize that I needed to give her a coherent statement to let her know that I wasn’t going to pass out or something like that.

  “I’m okay,” I said. “You’re right about not making an impulsive decision. I’ll take the rest of the weekend and most likely get back to you on Monday, if that would work.”

  I didn’t know why I was almost asking her, as if I needed her permission or approval.

  “You have time,” she repeated. “Talk it over with anyone you need to and call if you have any questions.”

  “I will,” I said. “Thank you for rushing the results and for delivering the news personally.”

  “Take care of yourself.”

  I didn’t realize that I wasn’t alone until I ended the call and heard movement near the door. Martina’s expression was troubled, worried, as she came over to where I was sitting.

  “‘Results?’”

  The single word question told me that she hadn’t heard everything, but what she had heard had been enough to make her curious. While I didn’t like the idea of telling her before I told Eoin, I needed someone right now. Besides, I reasoned, it wasn’t as if Eoin didn’t know anything about what was going on.

  “I’m pregnant.”

  No might be. No probably or possibly.

  I was pregnant.

  “Damn.” Martina leaned against one of the shelves. “Is it Eoin’s?”

  She obviously knew that he and I were dating, but she hadn’t known that he’d been the only one I’d ever had sex with, so her question made sense.

  I nodded.

  “Does he know?”

  “Sort of,” I said. “I took a home test on Thursday and told him about that, but this was the confirmation from my doctor.”

  She crouched in front of me and took my hands in hers. “What can I do? What do you need?”

  “I don’t know,” I said honestly. “This…blindsided me.”

  She squeezed my hands. “Does Eoin know you had a blood test done?”

  “He went with me to the doctor.”

  She smiled. “He seems like a good man.”

  “He is.” I managed a smile.

  “Then maybe you should talk things over with him,” she gently suggested.

  “You’re right.” I glanced at my phone. “We only have–”

  “Go,” Martina said as she straightened.

  “Are you sure? I don’t want to leave you short-staffed.”

  “I’m going to call you a cab. I don’t think you’re in any condition to drive.” She put her hand on my shoulder and gave it a squeeze. “Do whatever it is you need to do, okay? And you tell me if there’s anything you need from me.”

  I nodded, my brain feeling as if I was moving at half speed. “I’ll do that.”

  I stayed in the back until she came to tell me the cab was there, but I couldn’t remember if I’d just been sitting there or if I’d actually done anything. I felt like I was running in sand, trying to walk in knee-high water. Time was disjointed, jumpy.

  After closing the taxi door and giving the driver the address, I was suddenly two blocks away with no memory of getting there. A few minutes later, it happened again, taking me from a red stoplight next to a McDonald’s to the point where the car turned onto the road where the apartment building was located.

  Paying the driver, getting out of the cab, going up to the apartment, all felt as if I was watching rather than doing. Once in the apartment, I dropped into the closest chair and called Eoin.

  “Hey.” His voice was tight, like he’d been stretched too thin and too far.

  “Hi.” Two awkward beats, and
then I decided to just jump right in. No point in drawing it out. “Dr. Rhimes called. I’m pregnant.”

  “Are you all right?”

  A clenched fist in my chest relaxed. Even though he’d apologized for how he’d responded before, I hadn’t fully believed he’d react better to the confirmation. I closed my eyes and let the relief wash over me. It was brief since I had far more to worry about than just his initial reaction, but it helped a bit.

  “Still processing,” I answered honestly. “It’s one thing for it to be a possibility, or even a probability, and something else to get that definitive answer.”

  “Are you still at work?” he asked. “I’ll come get you.”

  “No, I’m at the apartment. A cab dropped me off.” I rubbed my forehead. “Thank you for offering, though. I appreciate it.”

  “So, Martina is still at work?”

  “Yeah. She overheard the end of the call, so I told her what was going on. I know you should’ve been the first person–”

  “No,” he interrupted. “No apologies or feeling guilty. You weren’t hiding anything from me. It was just circumstances.”

  “That’s exactly what it was,” I agreed, grateful that he understood. The last thing I needed right now was to hurt him unintentionally.

  “The guys just left,” he said. “Let me pick up something for dinner and bring it over.”

  A part of me wanted to say yes, to be able to put aside everything else and lose myself in him and the comfort he offered. But that wouldn’t have been healthy or responsible, and with a baby involved, I had to do the right thing.

  “No, but thank you.” I pressed my hand to my stomach. “I want to talk to you about it, but I need to get my head on straight before I can have a real conversation. I’m not shutting you out, I promise. I just need some time alone to process.”

  “All right, if that’s what you need.” He didn’t sound happy, but I could tell he was trying to be supportive. To be what I needed. “If you change your mind, please call me.”

  “I will,” I promised.

  As the call ended, I leaned back in the chair and stared up at the ceiling, wondering where I should start. I seemed to have either too many things in my mind or none at all.

  It was going to be a long night.

  Twenty-Three

  Eoin

  I put my phone down on the counter and got a beer from the fridge. If I wasn’t driving anywhere tonight, I didn’t need to worry about how much I drank. If I couldn’t be with Aline, taking care of her, getting a little drunk sounded like a good idea. Not so much that I’d be hung over tomorrow, but enough to take the edge off.

  It was a hell of an edge.

  Pregnant.

  I was going to be a father.

  Maybe. Aline could decide to terminate the pregnancy, but after how her parents had struggled to have kids, I didn’t think that was going to be the route she took. If she did, I’d be there with her, but even as shell-shocked as I was right now, I was hoping she’d have the baby.

  My baby.

  Fuck.

  I needed to sit down, but the few chairs I had were covered with shit from my storage unit. The floor would have to do. I leaned back against my refrigerator and took a long drink.

  I’d never really thought about being a father. My parents never pressured any of us kids about giving them grandchildren, even before Evanne had come along. Besides, with as many of us as there was, the likelihood of no more grandkids was virtually zero, so I’d never felt guilty about not considering marriage or family. I loved Evanne, and I’d love being an uncle to any other nieces or nephews that came along, but one of my own?

  A little girl with strawberry blonde hair and green eyes. A boy with Aline’s smile and fair skin. A leftie like me and my mother. Not Theresa, my biological mother. I was the only one of the kids who’d gotten that.

  I didn’t remember her, but I had no doubt she’d have been excited to have another grandchild. My heart twisted painfully as I realized that my child wouldn’t know anything about Ma, not from me anyway. Yeah, I could tell them that her name had been Shannon McCrae, and her maiden name had been Allen. I could share all the stories that Alec and Brody had told the twins and me growing up. Carson and Cory only had a couple vague memories, but I had nothing.

  She was one of the reasons I hadn’t wanted to get married or have kids. Da marrying Theresa had driven it home, but not because I’d ever been angry at him getting married again. They’d both been so young when they’d lost their spouses, and I’d seen how much losing a parent – or both parents for Fury and his siblings – had hurt all of us. I didn’t want that for anyone. I didn’t want to risk leaving a child without a father.

  Or at least that was what I’d told myself while I was in the army. Now, I wasn’t really in much more danger than the average person. Less than a cop and far less than a firefighter. Sure, it’d been an unusual couple of months, but Cain had insisted that wasn’t the norm.

  So, if my excuse had really been about my job, then it wouldn’t have applied since March, but since I’d been out, I hadn’t changed my mind or even thought about it again. Because I was still afraid. Not afraid of what the loss of me would do to them, but what it would be like for me to lose another person I loved.

  Shit.

  I was such a selfish little shit.

  Asshole.

  Images began to flash in front of my eyes.

  A picture of my mother holding me in the hospital hours after I was born.

  Doto impaled and bleeding, dying.

  Bart’s broken neck.

  Leo.

  Pulling him from the wreck.

  Getting shot.

  Him looking up at me in that split second before the explosion blew him apart, sending a piece of his bone through my body armor and almost puncturing my heart.

  Other men and women who had gone out on missions and never come back. Who’d come home safe from a tour and then killed themselves. So many. Too many.

  I closed my eyes and put my head back. I couldn’t spiral. It’d been a couple days since I’d been woken up by a nightmare and having that shit in my head when I was awake would probably fuck with me when I was asleep too.

  I needed to focus on Aline and the baby. The future, and not the past.

  When I’d talked to Alec, he’d warned me not to be an idiot and make the mistakes he had. Him marrying Keli had been one of those mistakes, but it’d only been a mistake because he hadn’t wanted to actually be with Keli.

  He’d stayed with her because he’d let his own issues with us losing our mother push him into doing something he’d known was a bad idea. If Keli hadn’t been pregnant, their relationship would’ve been over. With Aline and me, I still would’ve wanted a relationship, just maybe not as fast.

  I would’ve been a little lost even if there wasn’t a baby involved, but I was really out of my league here. I’d fucked up so many times already with Aline, and she’d forgiven me, been willing to work at making this thing between us work. Now, we both had someone else we had to think about, and if I fucked things up again, Aline might not be as willing to give me a second chance. Or, more likely, an eighty-third chance.

  If I finally used up her patience, pushed her too far, I’d lose her and a child. Not to death but my own stupidity. And if I did that, how would I protect them? How could I keep them safe if I’d pushed them away?

  Or maybe that was the answer.

  Get them as far away from me as possible.

  If I hadn’t stayed friends with Leo, maybe he wouldn’t have enlisted. Even if he still had, he might’ve gotten out before the mission that led to an ambush. Or he might’ve decided to rise in the ranks. He’d been good enough to do it. If he and I hadn’t been friends, he could’ve been anywhere else on that day. Hell, he could’ve settled down with a wife and six kids.

  It was like that movie about the butterfly. One little difference, and suddenly you’re in a mental institution because you think you can tim
e travel.

  Who knew how many other people might still be alive if I hadn’t enlisted? A different person in my place that day might’ve made all the difference. If neither Leo nor I had been in the convoy, there would’ve been two new people who could’ve changed things. Kept Doto or Bart alive. Maybe both.

  Okay, so maybe I wasn’t responsible for those deaths, and even I couldn’t find a way to blame myself for the pulmonary embolism that had killed my mother, but people I loved died around me all the time.

  “Eoin, help me. Save me.”

  Ringing in my ears, but I could still hear him begging me.

  “Save us. Don’t leave us here.”

  Hear all of them begging for their lives.

  “Eoin! Save me!”

  Aline? Where was she?

  A scream of pain.

  “Aline!” I didn’t see her, but I could hear her screaming my name. I couldn’t see anything. It was dark and cloudy and too heavy to breathe, and she kept screaming. “Aline!”

  No. No. No.

  “No!” I tried to scream it as I pulled myself out of the waking nightmare, but it came out as something like a croak. My heart was racing, my breathing harsh. My mouth was so dry that trying to swallow made me cough.

  I realized I still had my beer bottle in my hand, and I drank the rest of it all at once. When I finished, I stood up, my head spinning for a moment. I grabbed onto the counter and counted to ten. Not every flashback fucked with my balance, and it never lasted long, but it sometimes happened, especially if I was triggered while drinking.

  A lot of people thought that flashbacks were just really intense memories, and when someone with PTSD was triggered, they would relive an event, and that was it. Sometimes, it happened like that for me, and maybe that was all that some people ever had, but a lot of times, the shit I saw and heard came more out of the guilt I felt for all I hadn’t been able to control.

  Or fear of what might happen in the future.

  I wasn’t stupid enough to think that I could keep everything bad away from Aline and the baby, but I’d do whatever I could to keep them as safe as possible. To do that, I needed a plan.