by M. S. Parker
My parents had kept our rooms pretty much the same so we could use them whenever we needed to, but with the exception of my siblings who didn’t have a place of their own yet, those rooms felt more like really familiar guest rooms than ‘ours.’ Aline’s room looked more like she’d been living in a dorm than having had an apartment of her own.
Well, not really her own since she’d moved into Freedom’s place. Maybe that was why it looked like she still lived here too. I mean, her closet was at least a third full, and her dresser had cosmetics and other toiletries she might need.
“We both keep some stuff here so we don’t need to take a lot of luggage back and forth every time we come home,” Aline explained as she set a suitcase on the foot of the bed. “But since I’m living in L.A. now, coming to visit my parents won’t involve an overnight stay, so I can take whatever I need and not worry about having to bring it back.”
“I don’t want to go pawing through your underwear drawer, so why don’t you tell me what you want me to pack.” I went for a teasing tone, hoping to get a smile, and I did, but it didn’t reach her eyes.
Still, she tried to joke in return. “I’m pretty confident that you’ll end up seeing all of my underwear at some point, so I might as well get some use out of you.” She turned back to the closet. “Everything in the dresser should fit in there. I’ll put my dresses in a few garment bags and then get some things from the bathroom.”
I considered commenting that it was definitely a better idea for her to get the things from her bathroom because I’d clearly shown before that I couldn’t find the right door, but I didn’t think talking about the night Freedom had caught me in the hall was a good idea.
Instead, I just did as Aline asked and moved everything from the dresser to the suitcase. We moved quickly but didn’t rush. All in all, it took about fifteen minutes to get everything put together in such a way that the two of us could carry it all to the car in a single trip.
I could see her visibly bracing herself to go back downstairs, and I hated it, but I wasn’t going to make her feel like she needed me to rescue her. I would protect her from any danger, but if I acted as if she couldn’t even deal with her family, I’d be no better than they were, treating her like she was a child and not an adult having a child.
But if I had the slightest hint that she needed me to step in, I would. I wanted her family to like me – even Freedom – but that was secondary to taking care of Aline. She and the baby came before everything else. Everyone else could fuck off if they didn’t get that.
I followed her back down the stairs and offered her family goodbyes that were only a little stiffer than the ones she gave them. As we took everything out to the car, I found myself wishing there was a way I could redo the day, give her a great first Christmas instead of a good day that was ending in conflict.
Although, it wouldn’t be late by the time we got home, so maybe I could salvage something after all. Hot chocolate, leftover Christmas cookies, and another Christmas movie might be enough to push that brief blow up to the back of her mind.
Thirty-Five
Aline
Yesterday could’ve gone better was my first thought upon waking up, but the second was right on its heels: it could have been worse.
I regretted having blurted out three big announcements like that, but I hadn’t been able to take the condescending treatment anymore, especially when Freedom had gone from relatively passive to straight out aggressive.
Things should’ve gotten better during the time I’d been out on my own, but nothing seemed to have changed. If anything, Freedom was worse, and I didn’t understand it. I felt like something must have been going on with her for her to behave this way, but I simply didn’t have the energy to add her issues to my plate right now.
Perhaps it was selfish of me to not inquire about my sister’s life, but pursuing something she was allowing to affect her to such a great extent was, in my opinion, a straight shot to overwhelming stress for me. If she wanted to reach out with an apology and explanation, I wouldn’t turn her away, but my baby’s health was directly related to my own well-being, and that came first.
I refused to dwell on that part of yesterday, though. I preferred to think about the good parts. The morning hours before we’d gone to my parents’ house. The stilted but not unfriendly meal and gift giving with the family. Then skipping over the unpleasantness to when Eoin and I had arrived back at the condo, and we’d had hot chocolate and watched A Christmas Story. We hadn’t even unpacked any of the things I’d taken from my old room. Doing everything at once today seemed like a better idea.
Assuming that, since I wouldn’t be returning to Stanford with her, Freedom wouldn’t be returning to Stanford until later this week, spending today with Mom and Dad, helping them take down the tree and any decorations that they couldn’t do by themselves. I experienced a small pang of guilt for not being there, but I didn’t think I was wrong in thinking that the tension between Freedom and I would make the experience more stressful for them than if I wasn’t there at all.
Besides, the longer it took me to retrieve my things from the Stanford apartment, the more my family would think this was some sort of childish rebellion that would eventually fade rather than a rational adult decision that I intended to follow through. On a personal level, this would help me settle in at Eoin’s place.
Our place.
Home.
I needed to start thinking of it that way. After all, I wasn’t a girlfriend moving in with a guy she barely knew after not even having a toothbrush at his bachelor pad. I was a pregnant fiancée making a home in a place that had been purchased for our family.
“Are you sure you don’t want to stay the night up here and drive back tomorrow?” Eoin asked as we pulled into the apartment parking lot. “We could get a hotel room or stay with someone in my family. I have a few options there.”
I shook my head. “If we drive back tonight and get in late, you can figure out the best sleep schedule for you to be on for the weekend, but if we drive back tomorrow and run into traffic, you could be exhausted going into a late shift, and that’s the last thing I want or you need.”
“I could call Cain, tell him that something came up. One of the other guys could cover it.”
I didn’t doubt for a minute that Eoin would do it if I gave even so much as the slightest hint that I wanted him to, but I also knew that he would hate doing it. It wasn’t about needing the money. No, he never wanted to let anyone down, that much had always been clear to me, and with him wanting to go with me to doctor’s appointments, he would feel guilty for requesting time off right now when it wasn’t really necessary, especially since he was the newest member of the team.
“No.” I reached over and gave his hand a squeeze. “Your work is important. Save the time off for our ultrasound appointments.”
He raised my hand and kissed it before getting out of the truck. “That sounds good to me.”
While we hadn’t specifically discussed finances, I’d pieced together enough to know that we could live well for quite a while without either of us working, even after the leftover money from my trust was spent. My understanding was that Eoin not only had a trust similar to mine, he also had accumulated significant savings from his years in the military and had invested well.
On top of all that, he also had income from shares in a successful family business. Like me, however, he wasn’t content to sit back and do nothing, not even after he’d sacrificed so much for this country. He wanted to work, to contribute to society.
And maybe prove to people he had a worth he didn’t quite believe in himself. Something else to which I could relate, despite both of us having grown up in good, loving – albeit imperfect – families.
With how the last couple months had gone, a part of me was a little nervous when I unlocked the door to the apartment. I honestly wouldn’t have been surprised to find Freedom waiting, ready to give a lecture while we packed my things. To my relief, sh
e wasn’t there.
Relief, however, wasn’t the only thing I felt as I led Eoin back to my bedroom. I had some guilt too. I hadn’t told Freedom that I was coming today. I planned to leave her a note, but she would still come home to my things being gone.
“Are you sure we don’t need help?” Eoin asked.
“We’ll be fine,” I said, going straight to my closet for the rest of my luggage and the three totes I used to keep my off-season clothes. “Freedom furnished the apartment before I started at Stanford, so the large items are all hers.” I looked at him as something occurred to me. “Did you want to take some of the appliances or furniture? Electronics?”
“No, that’s not what I meant.” He went to my dresser and picked up a cedar music box. “Once we get your things settled at home with mine, we can go buy whatever else we need.”
“So we’ll have yours, mine, and ours?” I laughed, and so did he.
“I hadn’t thought of it like that, but yeah, I guess that’s what it would be.” He set the box down. “I just want you to have whatever you need to feel comfortable.”
I moved over to wrap my arms around his neck. “You and the baby are my home. Other stuff is just icing on the cake.”
He pulled me tight against him, his big hands curling around my hips so that his fingers were on my butt. “Now, I think we may need to get some icing on our way home.”
I raised an eyebrow. “Are you hungry for cake? I thought I was the one who was supposed to have cravings.”
He gave me a heated look that made things low in my stomach clench. “It’s not cake I want to eat icing off of.”
I let out a shuddering breath. “Then I guess we better get started. With you working the next three nights, sexy time is going to be limited.”
He burst out laughing. “‘Sexy time?’”
I grinned at him. “It sounded good in my head.”
“I’m sure it did.” He then proceeded to kiss me breathless before releasing me and insisting that we hurry up because he had a very specific flavor of icing in mind.
I was beginning to think that my life would never feel real again. Normal hadn’t really ever been something I’d experienced, but my world had always been solid. Dependable. Not average or boring, but logical, even when things were out of the ordinary.
Going to Iran with Neutral Ground had been a new experience for me, but it had been thought-out, planned. It wasn’t until I’d been kidnapped that everything had begun to take on this strange hazy feeling, as if I was locked in a dream from which I couldn’t wake, and it hadn’t gone away even after I’d been rescued.
In the time since then, when I’d been staying with Mom and Dad, or even at Martina’s, the situation hadn’t been something I’d intended to be permanent. I hadn’t settled in because neither place was really home. The problem had been that, until Freedom had learned about Eoin and me, I hadn’t realized that the apartment in Stanford hadn’t ever truly been my home either. I may have referred to it that way, but only in the same sort of sense that a college student would talk about their dormitory.
None of the places I’d lived had been mine in any adult sense. They had belonged to others who’d brought me in at different points in my life. Anything that I might have wanted to contribute had always needed to coincide with someone else’s wants or needs. Someone else had always arranged the furniture, chosen what they thought was best in everything from my bed to the type of toilet paper in the bathroom. I bought my own toiletries, but the color of the towels had already been chosen before I’d arrived.
Despite Eoin having purchased the condo prior to our engagement, it still hadn’t acquired that ‘lived-in’ look. He’d brought in his own things from the life he’d had before, and he’d arranged the basics in a few rooms, but he’d made sure I understood that he saw this as our home that we were creating together for our family. I could change things around, replace things, and it would always be about us.
With him having been gone overnight Friday night, Saturday night, and last night, there had been a lot that I’d been doing on my own, but that had honestly helped me feel more like this place belonged to both of us. Yesterday, over dinner, he’d told me that he wanted to put my name on the deed and merge our bank accounts. I knew there were women who – with good reason – needed to keep separate finances, but since neither Eoin nor I had any need to be wary of the other having a financial motivation for marriage, I took it for what it was, a way for us to have an equal partnership.
So even though the world still felt a little unreal, I was happy.
Freshly showered after handling the sweaty business of putting the last of my books into the library – with plenty of room left over for additional books – I went into the kitchen to find Eoin rummaging through the cabinets.
“You’re up early.”
“The best way for me to get back in a regular sleep schedule is to get just a few hours and then get up to have as normal a schedule as I can for the rest of the day.” He turned around with a triumphant expression on his face. When he held up the can of ravioli, I cringed.
“Please tell me you’re not going to eat that.”
He kissed the can. “Of course I am. Want some?”
The expression I made must’ve spoken for me because he laughed before asking, “The smell won’t make you nauseous, will it?”
I shook my head. “Just the taste, and that has nothing to do with being pregnant.”
“Your loss.” He opened a couple cabinets before he found what he was looking for and then dumped the canned food into the bowl. “I thought we could go crib shopping this evening or tomorrow morning so I can put it together on New Year’s Day. I don’t have any jobs on the schedule until next week when we’re doing some PI work for a woman who thinks her husband is messing around with her best friend.”
“I thought you guys were a security firm.” I made myself a cup of tea.
“We are,” he said, “but Cain takes on some investigation type cases where it might not be safe for a civilian PI. Like a child custody case where a spouse might try to grab their kid or an abusive ex who might try to intimidate a PI.”
The interesting image that came to mind at his words made me laugh. When he gave me a confused look, I explained, “I’m trying to picture the sort of arrogant, misogynistic bully who beats their spouse thinking they’ll scare off a PI, and then they see you guys. I mean, you are an intimidating group of men.”
Eoin laughed. “I guess we are. Well, except Bruce. You have to admit, he looks like he should be hanging out on the beach or something.”
“You’re not wrong.”
As he sat down at the kitchen counter, he asked if I was going to have any lunch. I grabbed a bag of dried fruit and held it up.
“Really? And you’re making fun of what I’m eating?”
I opened the bag and sat down next to him. “You’re eating dinosaur-shaped pasta in a can.”
“If you’d ever eaten army food, you’d appreciate fine cuisine.”
I shook my head, laughing. If anyone would’ve told me that the intense, grumpy man who’d literally thrown me over his shoulder would be joking around with me while eating kid food, I would’ve said they were nuts.
“What do you think about crib shopping today or tomorrow?” Eoin went back to the previous subject. “Or did you have something else in mind that you wanted to do?”
“No, that sounds good,” I said. “I’ve actually been getting a little antsy, not having anywhere to go.” I picked out an apricot and popped it into my mouth. “I’ve never been very good at staying still, but since what happened…” My voice trailed off.
“It takes you right back,” he finished, his expression serious again. “Makes you feel like you’re trapped all over again.”
I nodded and pulled out another piece of fruit. “I think that was a lot of the real reason I worked with Martina, so I could remind myself that I could be out and about, that I had a place to be.”
&nb
sp; “We need to get you a car,” Eoin said. “Maybe we should look for one of those while we’re out crib shopping. Any idea of what you’d like?”
I sighed and shook my head. “No clue. I don’t know very much about them.”
“Well, what were the things you and Freedom talked about wanting in a car?”
I made a half snorting sound that was half-amusement, half-exasperation. “You think she actually asked my opinion on what kind of car to get?”
“How about this,” he said, “we go crib shopping tomorrow morning, then do a little online car shopping in the afternoon so we can narrow down what you like. Since you’re not on any sort of timetable, we can make sure you get what you really want.”
“That sounds good,” I said. “But I would like to get one fairly soon so I can give schools a definite date of when I can start.”
He blinked, visibly caught off-guard. “Wait, what?”
“Oh, not full-time teaching,” I hurried to explain. “I’m going to start out as a substitute for several different school systems during the spring semester. I figure that will help me figure out whether or not I want to continue subbing in the fall or look for a full-time position. Of course, the baby’s due date and any restrictions Dr. Rhimes gives will influence my decision too.”
“I hadn’t realized you were still thinking about teaching.” Eoin frowned as he put down his spoon. “I mean, now that you’re pregnant and don’t have to worry about where to live or anything like that.”
I gave him a strange look. “It’s because I’m having a baby that I want to sub now so that, by the time the baby’s born, I’ll have a good idea of where I want to work after, even if I don’t know yet if I’ll want to stay home for a bit.”
“That makes sense.” He didn’t look happy about it, but he wasn’t arguing. “I don’t know much about the different districts, but it sounds like something we can research online.”
