Balloon Boy and the Porcupine Pals: Antihooliganism

by Mort Gloss

  ****

  Four hours later, Balloon was still frantically cleaning his single-wide. Because he did not own an actual vacuum cleaner, he had spent the bulk of his time crouched on the floor, picking up three year old potato chip shards and dead bug remains. In his zeal to make the single-wide presentable, he had completely neglected his own personal hygiene. The unfortunate result was sweat-soaked hair and overwhelmingly potent body odor. A booming knock came at the door. Balloon jumped to his feet and raced to greet his guest. Quickly opening the door, he saw Victory. Any other male human being in his right mind would have immediately slammed the door and run for cover, but Balloon invited her inside.

  "Hey, Vic; thanks fer comin' over fer our date. You lookin' real ... purty." Balloon's sweaty round face turned pink.

  "This is not a date," said Victory. "I'm only here to find out how you've been spying on me and my dad. Where's the pantry?"

  "Spyin' ... what? What ya mean, pantry?" Balloon was clueless.

  "Your jerk friend Tom Starley told me you've been spying on me and that you keep all the surveillance equipment in your pantry. Where is it?"

  "I ain't got no pantry. I gots a closet yonder where I keeps ma mac 'n cheese 'n noodles 'n what not. Wanna see her?"

  "Show me."

  Balloon led Victory to the small closet next to the single-wide's kitchenette. As the two stepped onto the laminate tiling, the floor groaned beneath their combined weight. Balloon opened a small sliding door, revealing generic brand macaroni and cheese, Ramen noodles, and chocolate milk mix.

  "I ain't sure what Tommy's talkin' 'bout. I ain't got no techno whiz gadgets here. Most electronicals I gots is fer playin' Lord Protector." A gleam came into Balloon's eyes. "You wanna play Lord Protector? It's real good."

  "No, I don't want to play Lord Protector! You stay right here. I'm going to find out how you've been spying on me." Balloon obeyed Victory's commands, standing motionless while she inspected every square inch of the single-wide. Approximately three minutes later, Victory emerged from Balloon's bedroom with a horrified look on her face. Balloon assumed the worst.

  "What's wrong? You find some of them video gadgets?"

  "No I didn't, Balloon." Victory sighed in frustration. "But I did find this." Victory held up a tightly bundled stack of $100 bills. "Where did you get these?"

  "I done told ya, I's real smart now. Me 'n Tommy 'n Russ went on a expe... expe... on a trip 'n got us a treasure trove."

  Victory wasn't convinced. "Are you guys dealing drugs? I want to know where you got this money, Balloon. I also want to know how you know all this stuff about my dad and what I've been doing. Tell me!" Victory threw the wad of cash at Balloon and simultaneously stomped her foot on the already-burdened floor of his single-wide.

  "I ain't got no drugs. I jist got things in ma head now, no matter what she is I got her figured. Ever I don't know somethin', 'n I gots to know somethin' 'bout it, I jist ask ma head 'n then what I gots to know pops right in."

  For the first time since Balloon had been acting strange, Victory allowed herself to believe him. She maneuvered to Balloon's flower-patterned couch and sat down, a cloud of dust catapulting into the air as she descended. "So when you found the money, you just-"

  "Jist asked ma head where we'all could find us some cash and there she was, sittin' right there yonder where ma head done told me she was."

  "When did this start happening? It certainly wasn't when you were in my class."

  Balloon took confidence in Victory's genuine interest. He moved closer to the couch and sat on the floor. "I's in math class over to Midland College 'n I didna study on account of me playin' Lord Protector all night, then when it got time to takin' the test I jist guessed them numbers 'n I's right on ever one. Then I guessed about beatin' Lord Protector, 'n where that there money was, 'n tons a questions Tommy 'n Russ done asked me 'bout genius stuff." Balloon's primitive mind told him to try and impress Victory with a few more details. "But anyhow, I ain't been wrong once since it first happened. Ask me anything and I gots the answer."

  "Okay, I'll give it a try," replied Victory warily. "But you better not be asking yourself questions about me I don't want you to know the answer to. My life is none of your business, you got that?"

  "Uh... sure thang," said Balloon honestly. Truth be told, the thought of guessing Victory's intimate secrets had never crossed his mind. Such prying would require too much forethought on Balloon's part. His utter stupidity typically limited the use of his power to present circumstances.

  "Alright. Hmm... when did my mom die?" Victory had of course never discussed her mother with Balloon.

  Balloon screwed up his face and spit out the answer: "She died right after you was born."

  "How did she die?"

  "She bled to death on account o' her womb splodin'."

  Victory nodded her head in agreement. She was coming around to the idea that Balloon was somehow able to guess the truth, but she wanted to be absolutely sure. "Last one. How did I find out about her death?"

  Balloon answered the question without hesitation. "When you was nine you 'n y'alls pappy was havin' a fight 'n he got real upset 'n told ya your momma died 'cause a you, on account a when you was born 'n her womb splodin' 'n all."

  She remembered it vividly. Due to her father's decency, he had always told Victory her mother died of some kind of cancer, although he was never very specific. However, one night a combination of excess alcohol and Victory culminated in the truth. Her father had screamed that "the cancerous growth" that killed Claudia was Victory. The next morning, Ned had no memory of his outburst, and Victory never talked about her mother again. Victory sat pensive on Balloon's couch, remembering her father's harsh words.

  "That's right, Balloon; that's what happened." Victory stared into the blank television screen as she spoke.

  Balloon tried to change the subject. "So, I gots music if'n you want to listen to somethin'. You like Certain Death?" asked Balloon eagerly.

  The phrase "Certain Death" awoke Victory from her thought. "No, of course I don't like Certain Death."

  "Okay. So what ya wanna do then?" Balloon's eyes spanned the length of his single-wide, desperate for some way to entertain Victory.

  "I don't want to do anything, at least not with you. I came here to figure out whether all this garbage you've been saying is true. And, although it doesn't make any sense to me whatsoever, I'm starting to believe you do have some sort of ability to know things."

  Balloon's heart both sank and rose while she spoke. Her rejection was especially difficult for him, given Balloon's belief it was their first date and he had somehow failed. However, he took some satisfaction in Victory's concession that he was, in fact, a supergenius.

  "I'm leaving in a few minutes. But I do have one more question before I go."

  "Okay, but I gots some frozen pizzas warmin' up-"

  As Balloon spoke, a tremendous bang rattled the door of the single-wide. Balloon, knowing who was on the other side of the door, tried to ignore it. "And I gots some of that there frozen mashed taters 'n gravy stuff if'n you-" The loud banging came again, this time shaking the entire single-wide. Balloon tried to ignore the knock, moving toward the refrigerator.

  "Aren't you going to answer the door?" asked Victory.

  "What, uh... what ya-" The booming knock came for the third time.

  "Oh I'll get it." Victory went to the door of the single-wide and opened it forcefully. Standing at the bottom of the makeshift stairway were Tom Starley and Russ Gibson.

  "Victoria Gold. How wonderful it is to see you again. It's been ages, hasn't it, Thomas?"

  "To be certain, Russell. I've often wondered how our old friend Victory was doing. May we come in and catch up with you, dearest?"

  "Cut the crap. Why are you two morons here?"

  "We're here out of love, dear Victory. Love and concern for our large friend here. You see, we thought he might be trying to court your favor once again. We've come to protect h
is heart from the trouncing it will no doubt receive from your immense foot. Isn't that correct, Russell?"

  "Most certainly. May we come in and monitor the proceedings?" asked Russ, bowing low as he spoke. Tom and Russ had assumed this would happen; they knew Balloon would approach Victory and try to impress her with his abilities. They were of course selfishly concerned about losing the benefits of Balloon's newly discovered talent to the hateful Victory. "I don't care what you do. I was just leaving anyway. You idiots enjoy each other." Victory began forcefully walking down the stairs, thoroughly testing the integrity of the steps as she went. Tom and Russ each moved to a separate side of the makeshift stairway, bowing and extending their arms out as if Victory were royalty.

  Balloon was desperate to keep her there. "Vic, I thought ya said somethin' 'bout some other question fer ma head?"

  "You can't possibly have a question for Balloon," said Tom, directing his attention to Victory. "There isn't anything he knows that you'd like to know. Unless you need tips for beating Lord Protector." Tom knew it was a long shot, but he was hoping Balloon hadn't revealed anything to Victory.

  "Nice try, Tom. But Balloon told me everything, even though I'm sure you told him not to." She shifted her gaze to Balloon. "By the way, Balloon, your 'friend' here told me you were spying on me from your trailer with video equipment. That's the reason I came over tonight."

  Balloon's face donned an expression of innocent stupidity. "Really? Where'd y'all git the video stuff, Tommy?"

  Victory rolled her eyes. "Oh never mind, you oaf."

  Russ climbed the stairs quickly and entered the door of the single-wide. Turning around, he spoke to Victory. "Well, it's been lovely seeing you again, Victoria. It is my sincerest hope that we do this again soon." Like Tom, Russ was eager to keep Victory as far from Balloon as possible. He knew that Victory, if she became determined to do so, could easily take advantage of Balloon.

  Tom joined in Russ' attempt. "Yes, Victoria. Wonderful to see you as always. Good luck to you on your journey ahead, wherever it happens to take you." Tom then moved closer to Victory and whispered into her ear. "And don't forget what I said over the phone, Victory. Some day it will be our time. We have a special connection." Tom was certain this last trick would get her to leave, but he was mistaken.

  Victory ignored him, turning her attention to Balloon instead. "Balloon's right. I do have one more question. Come here, Balloon." She beckoned him down the stairs, the thick layers of fat beneath her arm jiggling forcefully in the evening air.

  "Ain't no thang. What you wanna know?" asked Balloon, eager for another attempt to impress Victory.

  Tom, nervous about what she was going to ask, tried to wedge himself in between Victory and the approaching Balloon. Victory pushed him aside with one thrust of her pasty white arm. Tom was helpless to retaliate.

  "Alright, Balloon, tell me this, what's this sickness my dad has and what's going to happen to him?"

  "Well that's just unfair," said Russ, calling down from the single-wide. "You said you only had one question, and that's two."

  "Shut your face, Russ, or I'll come up there and shut it for you!" yelled Victory. Russ said nothing in response.

  Balloon concentrated on Victory's question. He wanted to be sure to get everything right. He blindly repeated the words that popped into his head, completely unaware of their meaning. "Your father has been infected with an alien virus which has no name on the planet earth. Over the next eight or nine months, the virus will create a gelatinous shell around his brain. Eventually, the pressure caused by the viral substance will cause his head to explode, at which point he'll die." Balloon, not realizing what he had just said, asked: "Did I git her right?"

  Victory placed her face in the cradle of her large hands, snuffling loudly as she began to cry. Balloon started to speak again, but Tom made a face that informed Balloon he was better off saying nothing. After a minute or so, Victory wiped her nose, displaced the residue from her hand on her pant leg, and scowled at Balloon with resolution.

  "Tell me more, Balloon. When did he get the virus?" Both Tom and Russ had the impulse to inform Victory she'd already exceeded her self-imposed one question limit. Nevertheless, in a moment of rare restraint, each held their respective tongues.

  "He got it 38 days ago."

  "How is it spread?"

  "During the initial infection and 'nosebleed' stages, the virus is passed exclusively through saliva. In the final stage, as the virus spreads to the brain, it becomes airborne, and therefore extremely contagious."

  "Is there a cure?"

  "Yes, there is a cure."

  "Okay, well what is it?"

  "The cure has no name on the planet earth. It is essentially a unique substance which, through subatomic particle reactions, creates a unique electromagnetic radiation with extremely high frequency and energy. This high frequency radiation suspends the virus' effects, sending it into a dormant state." Balloon was again clueless to what he was saying. In such moments, he had learned to let his brain do the talking.

  "Balloon, that makes no sense!" screamed Victory, full of frustration.

  "I'm with Victoria on that one," added Tom.

  Russ, having asked Balloon enough questions to understand the process, sought clarification. "Balloon, will you explain the cure in a way that makes sense to all of us?"

  Balloon asked himself the same question and started to speak. "They's this ball o' power that puts off some kinda energy 'n thatta makes the sickness stop hurtin' folk."

  Victory re-entered the conversation. "Is there one close by?"

  "No," responded Balloon. "There's only one of these things in the entire universe."

  "Where is it?"

  "The cure is over 29 million light years away, on a planet within the Sombrero Galaxy."

  Victory was starting to get the hang of the question and answer process. "What's the Sombrero Galaxy?"

  "The Sombrero Galaxy-also known as M104 or NGC 4594-is an unbarred spiral galaxy in the constellation Virgo. It has a bright nucleus, an unusually large central bulge, and a prominent dust lane in its inclined disk. The dark dust lane and the bulge give this galaxy the appearance of a sombrero."

  "So, let's be clear, Balloon," said Victory, "the only way to cure my dad is by getting this ball of energy thing in the Sombrero Galaxy?"

  "That is correct."

  "There's no other way to cure him?" Victory said, beginning to cry for the second time.

  "There is no other way."

  Victory was silent, her body jarring awkwardly as she stood crying. Tom and Russ, typically seeking ways to infuriate Victory in the hope they would never encounter her again, said nothing. Only Balloon, in his usual state of total ignorance, seemed unaffected by the news of Ned Gold's imminent death.

  "You gots any more questions, Vic? I can go on answerin' 'em as long as ya want." When Victory said nothing in response, Balloon's smile turned to a look of defeat. Oblivious to the information he had imparted to Victory, he again thought he was being rejected.

  Victory eventually collected herself and faced Balloon. "I've got one more question," she said, resolute, "can you take me to the place where this cure is?"