Balloon Boy and the Porcupine Pals: Antihooliganism

by Mort Gloss

  Chapter 1 - Balloon's Enemy

  Nabashio Trains a New Protector and

  Teaches Regarding Zaxmorthian Law

  "You have clearly not taken your instruction seriously, Lilia," said Nabashio, as he gathered up his mass and seated himself on an overstuffed chair in the training module. "Your feeble weight, as well as your feeble knowledge of the historical points of Zaxmorthian legend, are nothing less than disgraceful for someone, such as yourself, aspiring to be a Protector of the Second Class."

  Lilia shifted uneasily as she stood, her hands resting awkwardly at her side. "I apologize, Your Greatness; my intentions were pure." The truth of the matter, as Lilia well knew, was that she had achieved the exact weight necessary to obtain the rank of Second Class Protector. She also had an impeccable knowledge of Zaxmorthian history. "I request that Your Greatness instruct me in the ways of Zaxmorthia, and imbue my conscious with a desire to achieve a girth appropriate for the position to which I aspire." Lilia was well prepared to play the part of Nabashio's sycophant, knowing that it was a necessary step in her quest to become a Protector of the Second Class.

  Nabashio, as he often did, mentally prepared his oratory carefully before responding. "Despite my disappointment in your devotion and prowess, I am prepared to instruct you personally. The honor, of course, is yours, my student. Properly posture yourself and walk with me; I will instruct you as we tour the ship." With that, he abruptly stood up from his seat, at which point his overstuffed fingers worked to ensure that each sleeve, lapel, button, and tuck of his Captain Protector suit was properly placed. "Come with me."

  Nabashio beckoned Lilia to walk at his side. She attempted to do so, but was quickly required to drop back behind him, as the two's combined width was too great to successfully exit the room. Nabashio became annoyed. "Lilia, I require your presence at my side if I am to properly train you."

  "I apologize, Your Largeness. The doorway prevented me."

  Nabashio breathed deeply and puffed up his chest. "Chief among the lessons you must learn, my student, is the importance of obeying the orders of those who outweigh you. There is never an excuse for disobedience."

  "Yes, Captain Protector."

  The two walked slowly and silently until they reached another doorway, opening to the right. "Come with me, Lilia, and I will instruct you."

  After a nod of her head, the teacher and student entered a room with no artificial illumination. Rather, a large window revealed the darkness of space, sprinkled with light from thousands of stars. "The girth of Zaxmorthia is symbolic of the presence and respect for which all Protectors should strive. Zaxmorthia teaches us that size parallels greatness."

  Lilia had of course known of the simple principles to which Nabashio spoke since childhood. Raised on a planet almost exclusively devoted to agriculture, her parents-essentially slaves due to the puniness of their own waistlines-had taught her of the importance of size as a cultural fact: any soul who hoped to achieve greatness must first achieve size. Knowing that they would never be physically able to amount to any real weight, her parents had sacrificed what little food they were allotted in order to provide her with extra portions. Although visits from the Protector Class were rare on her planet, she was spotted at a young age and offered a formal invitation to the Protector Academy, located some 500 light years from her home. Her parents' sacrifice had paid off, for she now stood before one of the greatest and largest Captain Protectors in the galaxy: Nabashio.

  "Now student," resumed Nabashio, "pay most careful attention, for I know you have never been this close to greatness before."

  As Nabashio spoke, he signaled toward the viewing window. However, Lilia was unsure whether the "greatness" to which he referred was something out in the expanse of Zaxmorthia, or perhaps Nabashio himself.

  After a short pause, Nabashio continued. "You have of course experienced greatness on two levels during this rotation, my student: my presence, of course, and what I'm about to reveal to you."

  Lilia barely succeeded in suppressing a smile.

  "From this angle, one can see the star around which the Planet of Protection revolves. Prove to me that your training hasn't been fruitless by pointing it out."

  Lilia had of course already spotted the area as soon as she entered the room. With confidence, she responded to Nabashio's challenge. "As Your Largeness well knows, the Planet of Protection revolves around the greatest star in the galaxy: Number One. Unless my eyes deceive me, Captain Protector, the grandest celestial body within my range of view, and indeed it is greater than any star I have ever seen, is there." Lilia pointed out the window, to the star which was quite obviously the largest.

  "Excellent work," said Nabashio, somewhat hesitantly. "However," he added, searching for some criticism, "do not speak the obvious. Words should be offered in a frugal manner. You need not lecture me regarding the orbital travels of our beloved Planet of Protection. A Protector, even of the lowly Second Class to which you aspire, should learn the importance of efficient speech. In fact, it would have been better if you had said nothing at all in response to my query. The only necessary action was to point."

  "Thank you, Your Greatness."

  "Answer me another query, student. What resides upon the Planet of Protection which requires our constant and ever-watchful vigilance? Include in your response the historical parameters necessary for comprehension from even the skinniest of minds. As a Protector of the Second Class, you will often be required to make such mundane explanations to the lower classes of Zaxmorthians. Remember efficiency of speech when you respond."

  "Yes, Your Largeness. Upon the Planet of Protection resides the Protective Essence. Over 7,000 revolutions ago, for some unknown reason, the inhabitants of Zaxmorthia were afflicted by the Disconcerting Plague. The illness was first manifested by profuse nosebleeds, but eventually resulted in the violent explosion of the head-whether large or small. Although unproven, it is believed-"

  Nabashio interrupted Lilia, his voice raised. "The query did not seek the historical parameters of the Disconcerting Plague. Only the history of the Protective Essence is required in your response. A passing reference to the Plague is sufficient. Now continue."

  Lilia began again, unfazed by Nabashio's sharp criticism. "As the people of Zaxmorthia suffered, and all hope for a cure was spent, Zaxmorthian residents from the outer rim of the galaxy began to, inexplicably, recover from the Disconcerting Plague. Over the next few weeks, citizens from surrounding systems obtained similar relief."

  Lilia paused, looking toward Nabashio. He was staring at her intently, which she interpreted as a sign that he again would interrupt her. When he said nothing, she continued. "The mystery of their miraculous healing was discovered by our Beloved Protector, who deciphered that the trajectory of an interplanetary asteroid corresponded with Zaxmorthian healing. Housed within the asteroid, as revealed by our Beloved Protector, was the Protective Essence. At tremendous risk to himself and every inhabitant of the-"

  "Student, you must explain how it is and was that the Protective Essence heals and healed the citizens of Zaxmorthia. This point is crucial. Remember, you must learn to speak to all as a Protector of the Second Class. You cannot assume that those with whom you converse will have reached my exalted state."

  Lilia, growing annoyed with Nabashio's elementary exercise in Zaxmorthian history, began again. "Yes, my teacher. Through his unparalleled size and intelligence, our Beloved Protector discerned that the Protective Essence creates electromagnetic radiation of the highest frequency and energy in the universe. This radiation suspends the effects of the Disconcerting Plague, sending it into a dormant state. The Beloved Protector postulated that, if placed in the center of the galaxy, the Protective Essence may heal all Zaxmorthians."

  "Much better, student. Continue."

  Lilia knew that if she ascended to the rank of Second Class Protector, it would be illegal for uninvited Zaxmorthian citizens to even be within her presence, let alone speak to her. L
ilia wondered why Nabashio was making her go through this worthless ordeal.

  "Thank you, Captain Protector. At great risk to himself, and with the survival of every Zaxmorthian hanging in the balance, our Beloved Protector intercepted the interplanetary asteroid upon which the Protective Essence resided. After recovering the Essence, our Beloved calculated the absolute center of the galaxy upon which it should be placed. In so doing, he determined that the Planet of Protection, which revolves around Number One, was the perfect centralized location. Upon discovering-"

  "The telling again becomes inefficient my student," interrupted Nabashio. He spoke without looking at Lilia, and Lilia suspected he hadn't really even been listening to what she said. "Those of the skinny mind are not concerned about calculations, discoveries, and other intricacies. The how is unimportant; basic facts matter only to the small."

  "Thank you, master teacher. After his theorizing and calculations, the Beloved transported the Protective Essence to its present location: in orbit around Number One. The effect was as he predicted; the citizens of Zaxmorthia, both large and small, were healed from the terrors of the Disconcerting Plague."

  "I grow tired of this exercise," said Nabashio. With that, he turned from the viewing window and walked toward the entrance to the room. "I will now continue your tour of PROT IX. Walk with me."

  Lilia quickly moved to Nabashio's side, as previously instructed. As she did so, the two became momentarily wedged in the doorway as they attempted to exit.

  "Student, respect your superiors by learning to remove yourself from their trajectory!" yelled Nabashio.

  Lilia, becoming increasingly annoyed, removed herself from the doorway. After straightening his uniform and clearing his throat, Nabashio left the room. Lilia followed quickly behind. As they moved down the hallway, Nabashio began pointing toward various work stations. The small, rectangular cubicles were overstuffed with Protectors of the Second Class. Several were working out complex calculations related to space travel; others studied books containing Zaxmorthian law and history; all were eating from food dispensing tubes which could be reached from their seated positions.

  "Here," spoke Nabashio, "are those who have successfully reached the rank of Second Class Protector. Each serves an integral role on PROT IX. Follow me, student."

  Nabashio led Lilia into a windowless room lined with bookshelves, each one of which was filled to capacity. "Student," he said intently, "this is PROT IX's statutory library. Although not all of our laws are contained here-the data comprising Zaxmorthian cultural and scientific law, for example, would fill the entirety of PROT IX-we do have a complete listing of Zaxmorthia's penal code. Allow me to again test your prowess."

  Lilia produced a fake smile and straightened her stance. "Yes sir, Captain Protector."

  "Name the statutory section to which PROT IX, and all other PROT vessels for that matter, owe their existence."

  Lilia, again inwardly smirking at the elementary nature of Nabashio's questioning, attempted to answer the prompt with efficiency. "Zaxmorthian Penal Code Section 213, Concerning Hooliganism."

  "Titles tell me nothing of your mastery of the subject matter, student. Quote the section."

  "Certainly, Captain Protector," responded Lilia. She then hesitated. "If I may make an inquiry."

  "It is unorthodox for you to inquire of me, especially where my question is pending. Nevertheless, I will allow it."

  "Thank you, Master. Do you seek only the language of Section 213 itself, or do you also require the official commentary, unofficial commentary, interpretive analysis, and hypothetical application scenarios as well?" Lilia was proud of herself as she spoke, for she knew the sections identified were hundreds of pages long, which she had, of course, completely memorized.

  Nabashio shot her an annoyed look. "Your primary concern should be satisfying my query, not seeking to aggrandize yourself through pretended knowledge. The statutory language alone will suffice." Nabashio only sought the statutory language because it was all he knew. He would have lorded a mastery of the other sections over any prospective Protector, had he actually committed them to memory.

  "Thank you, Captain Protector." Lilia closed her eyes and began to quote the language of Section 213. Her recitation began with the critical importance of preserving the Protective Essence from those of the "skinny mind," and the ancient Zaxmorthians' establishment of laws designed to accomplish that goal. During the exercise, Lilia paused and slightly opened her left eye, pretending to draw a deep breath. She couldn't be sure, but it appeared Nabashio was reading a small, pocket-sized booklet. She assumed he had not even committed the statutory language of Section 213 to memory, and was instead checking the accuracy of her recitation by following along in the Children's Edition of the Zaxmorthian Penal Code. All children throughout Zaxmorthia, even those with the skinniest of parents, were given a pocket-sized edition of the Penal Code in order to educate themselves regarding the laws of the galaxy.

  After drawing breath, Lilia continued her recitation, citing word for word the laws prohibiting ordinary citizens from intragalactic travel and the construction of spacecraft capable of such movement throughout the galaxy. Lilia again took a breath and peeked toward Nabashio, allowing her eye to open slightly wider. She could now confirm that Nabashio was in fact reading from the Children's Edition of the Zaxmorthian Penal Code. With a smile on her face, she resumed her memorized quotation of Section 213.

  "Those citizens of Zaxmorthia who have not achieved the Protector Class are forever banned and barred, under any circumstances, from locating themselves within 10 light revolutions of the Planet of Protection."

  She heard Nabashio close the children's edition and slip it into his pocket. Due to this observation, she stopped her recitation of Section 213 and opened her eyes.

  "Student," said Nabashio, agitated, "why do you stop?"

  "Your Greatness, I was unsure whether you desired to hear the penalties associated with Section 213. I am of course willing and able to provide those as well."

  "If you are so 'willing and able,' why not simply continue speaking? Instead, you disrupt my train of thought and continually pester me with procedural inquiries. Now continue!"

  "Thank you, Captain Protector." With that, Lilia closed her eyes and resumed her memorized speech. She again heard Nabashio fumbling with the children's edition. "The penalties for violation of Penal Code Section 213 are as follows: Any Zaxmorthian discovered to be in violation of the foregoing laws, ordinances, and principles shall hereinafter be guilty of Petty Hooliganism, and shall be pacified in a minimum security Hooligan-holding facility for a period of 100 to 500 rotations of the Planet of Protection."

  Lilia paused to catch her breath and then continued. "Any Zaxmorthian discovered to be in violation of the foregoing laws, ordinances, and principles due to an intentional act, not brought about solely by skinniness of mind, shall hereinafter be guilty of Malicious Hooliganism, and shall be penalized and punished with permanent taboo."

  Lilia finished her recitation and looked to Nabashio for further instructions. Nabashio, attempting to smooth the wrinkles created by the book in his pocket, turned his back to her and exited the library. Lilia stifled a giggle and quickly followed him.

  "Student," he said, as the two continued their journey through the innards of PROT IX, "I must soon end your orientation of this vessel. I have an exclusive meeting with His Heaviness, set to begin in approximately one tenth rotation."

  Lilia was awestruck. "He's coming here?" she inquired, attempting to suppress her excitement in order to sound more professional.

  "Of course he's not coming here, Student," answered Nabashio, acting put off. "I must say, I am extremely disappointed by your working knowledge of the Protector Class. No doubt my presence has greatly increased your abilities, and will hopefully have a positive impact on your weight as well. Nevertheless, you have much to gain, young one. His Heaviness and I will be communicating via PROT Com."

  Lilia ignored N
abashio's insults, which were becoming routine. She was unable to hide her exhilaration about a once-removed brush with Nabashio's Superior. "When was the last time you saw him?" she asked, eager for every possible detail.

  Nabashio smiled with self-gratification, reveling in Lilia's envy of his exalted position. "The details regarding His Heaviness are beyond your security clearance, as well as your range of understanding. However, I can tell you he is greatly improving the status of the Protector Class on all fronts. His achievements in Zaxmorthian security are nearly unparalleled, only being outmatched of course by our Beloved Protector. It is to that end that he and I converse."

  Lilia was cognizant that Nabashio had in fact told her nothing regarding His Heaviness' activities; she wondered if he really didn't have any information, which seemed the most likely reason for his vague response. She was certain that, if Nabashio actually knew anything, he would have provided her with real details, if for nothing more than his own aggrandizement. She ventured down a different path. "Dear Captain Protector, do you believe, as do many others, that His Heaviness is...." she hesitated, "the one spoken of by our Beloved Protector?"

  "You are correct in your assertion that many believe him to be the one spoken of by our Beloved." He paused, looking vaguely to the ceiling of PROT IX. "However, he has not yet proven himself to be so." Nabashio clasped his hands behind his back and began to shuffle away. He then paused and spoke without looking at her. "Of course, the one spoken of by our Beloved may be another. Only time and size will tell."

  Lilia turned to begin walking back to the training module, and then heard Nabashio's voice barking after her.

  "Student, you are not to relieve yourself of my presence unless commanded to do so," he yelled. Lilia turned to face Nabashio, and saw him examining her from head to toe. "Child, although you are woefully underweight and grossly under-qualified, I have determined to award you with the rank of Protector Second Class. You will, therefore, not be returning to the training module. Rather, you will report to surveillance for on-the-job training. Because of your manifest inadequacies, I am taking it upon myself to personally oversee your development as a surveillance specialist."

  Lilia could not help smiling. Despite all of his words to the contrary, she was confident Nabashio had been impressed with her knowledge of Zaxmorthian legend and overall preparation for the position of Second Class Protector. She also had a sinking feeling that Nabashio had ulterior motives, but she tried to ignore the thought. "Thank you, Captain Protector."

  "You should be thankful. Now report to surveillance. I will monitor your progress and provide you with personal instruction when necessary." With that, Nabashio again turned and walked toward the administrative quarters of PROT IX.

  Lilia saluted by straitening her posture and placing her hand over her stomach. "You're fat!" she yelled.