Balloon Boy and the Porcupine Pals: Antihooliganism

by Mort Gloss

  ****

  Day 29 of the journey began like every other day. The travelers awoke to find themselves orbiting Balloon. Balloon moved through the air toward the command center in order to flip the gravity switch. Once inside the room, Balloon saw the majesty of the Sombrero Galaxy, shining brightly through the viewing window.

  "Boys, y'all gotta come 'n see this," he said, excited by their impending arrival.

  "What is it, Pa?" answered Tom, in fake southern accent. "We almost there yet?"

  "We's here," said Balloon, his eyes wide. "That there sombrero hat's takin' up the whole view."

  "It's about time," said Victory, rubbing her eyes as she spoke. "I thought we'd never get here."

  "Only you could complain about the fastest white trash spaceship in the universe, Victory," said Russ, yawning.

  Without warning, Balloon flipped the gravity switch, causing Victory, Russ, and Tom to come crashing down to the shag carpet floor of the single-wide's living room. Victory could only muster a furrowed brow in response. Having landed on her back, she rolled over onto her stomach, put her knees and arms underneath her midsection, and pushed herself to a vertical position. She then walked into the command center to observe the scene through the viewing window.

  "Okay, Balloon, so we're here. Now what?" she asked.

  "Well, we gotta slow this astro-flier down a piece 'n git us pointed in the jist right way," answered Balloon.

  Russ approached the entryway of the command center. "Are we going to be able to use some manual control today?" Ever since he had copiloted the W.A.S.P. on the day of their departure from earth, Russ had been eager to take the controls. However, Balloon had so accurately guessed the trajectory necessary to take the travelers to the Sombrero Galaxy, no additional manual control had been necessary.

  "Yup, we's gonna need to do some steerin'. You wanna do it, Russ?" As Balloon spoke, he crouched down next to the gaming console in order to untangle two video game controllers.

  "I'd love to, but of course I'll need some guidance on what to do," answered Russ, moving over to Balloon to assist in the untangling process.

  Victory leaned up against the wall opposite the viewing window, her arms crossed. "This isn't some game, boys. Don't let him do it if he doesn't know how, Balloon."

  "He'll git her figured," said Balloon. "I's gonna learn him how to do it real good."

  "Thanks for the vote of confidence, Victoria," said Russ, turning around. "I've got tremendous experience navigating single-wide's through space. If you'll remember, I was an integral part of our space launch. Not our earth launch mind you, that was Tom. I know you didn't fare too well in that one."

  "You've been around Tom too much," said Victory. "You're becoming just as annoying as he is."

  Before Russ could respond, Tom poked his head in the door, eating something crunchy. "I resent that, Victory. Russell will never be as annoying as I am." With that, he walked into the room, holding an entire plate of peanut butter pretzels. Dropping down into his command chair, he held the plate high. "Well, kids, I made breakfast. Something special, since we're arriving at our destination today. Unfortunately, the pickins are getting somewhat, how you say, slim."

  All three of them ignored Tom's offer. Finally finished untangling the controls, Balloon and Russ sat down in their respective places. "Okay, y'all," said Balloon, "we's 'bout ready to git this heap slowed down a piece 'n turned in the jist right way."

  "What do you want me to do, Balloon?" said Russ, looking down at the controls.

  "He wants you to eat some peanut butter pretzels, Russell," answered Tom. "Just let Balloon take us to this ball of power. The sooner we get it, the sooner we can get out of here, and the sooner we can get Victory off this ship, and the sooner we can get back to 1966 to prove you wrong once and for all!"

  "Wait a second," said Russ, "you just want to grab the cure and turn right back around again? You don't want to check out the aliens? We've been theorizing about them for weeks."

  "I really couldn't care less," responded Tom, biting down on another pretzel. "I think I used to be interested, but I'm not anymore. Maybe I'm homesick. Well, probably not, I think I just want Victory to go home." Tom turned around and winked at Victory as he spoke.

  "It don't bother me none if'n ya want to steer us in, Russ," said Balloon. "Jist take that there controller 'n I's gonna walk ya through everthang."

  Russ obeyed Balloon's directions, sitting up straight in his chair and placing his fingers in the appropriate locations on the controls. "Alright, I'm ready," said Russ. "What do I do?"

  "First thangs first is to git us slowed down, so put yer finger on that steerin' deal 'n ease her back some."

  Russ followed Balloon's directions. Besides the suddenly slowed pace of the passing stars visible through the viewing window, there was no other indication they had reduced their speed.

  "You 'bout got her. Take her back jist a titch more."

  Russ again followed directions. Although the stars in the viewing window were still visibly passing by, it was clear the W.A.S.P. had greatly reduced its speed.

  "Alright, now which way do we need to go?" asked Russ. "None of the stars out there are labeled."

  Balloon screwed up his face and guessed. "That's gonna be easy, y'all. We's lookin' fer the biggest 'n brightest star in this here Sombrero."

  "Not quite that easy," said Tom. "Hard to judge biggest and brightest when some of these stars are closer than others."

  "Agreed," said Russ.

  "Just tell him where to steer the ship, Balloon," said Victory, still annoyed. "He's not going to be able to figure it out for himself."

  "Alrighty, y'all. Jist take yer thumb there 'n steer that control pad to the left."

  "Roger that," said Russ, smiling as he attempted the maneuver. As Russ moved the ship to the left, the celestial objects within their view suddenly veered right. Without warning, the entire viewing window suddenly glowed bright yellow, blinding the travelers and instantly raising the temperature in the command room.

  Tom shouted, his right hand shielding his eyes. "Russ, what are you doing? Steer us away from that thing!"

  Russ fought with the controls, attempting to turn to the left or right. "Balloon, why can't I turn this thing?"

  "You sure ya got her plugged in?" asked Balloon, apparently not understanding the serious danger of their situation.

  "Balloon, you idiot!" yelled Victory. "Guess what Russ needs to do to change directions or we're going to die!"

  "Sure thang," said Balloon, closing his eyes to guess. As he did so, the travelers could feel waves of heat pulsating through the viewing window. "First thangs first is to slow us down to nothin'. Put yer thumb back on that control pad there."

  Russ obeyed Balloon, pulling back on the controller. It was impossible to tell whether Russ' maneuver had accomplished anything. The heat in the command center continued to rise as the single-wide remained on a crash-course with the approaching star.

  "Balloon, I don't think it worked!" yelled Tom.

  "We ain't done yet," answered Balloon, the only one of the four who was still calm. "Now, put yer finger up on that other pad 'n push her to the right, and hold her there fer 'bout five seconds."

  Russ again followed Balloon's instructions. The sun still blazed hot and bright. However, as Russ worked the controls it shifted, now only occupying the left half of the viewing window.

  "Now what?" shouted Russ. Despite the maneuver, the star continued to grow in size.

  "Why does that thing keep getting closer?" screamed Tom.

  "It's called gravity!" yelled Victory. "Balloon, you imbecile, I told you not to let Russ drive."

  "Yeah, that big 'ol thing jist keeps pullin' us in," answered Balloon, ignoring Victory's insult. "Russ, turn them controls to the right one more time fer five seconds."

  "We already did that, Balloon!" yelled Victory, her voice booming.

  "Victory, you're not helping. Go sit on your couch," responded To
m.

  "My pleasure. At least I can die in peace," she answered, leaving the command center without hesitation.

  Russ again worked the controls. The sun, continuing to loom larger from the left side of the single-wide, eventually disappeared from the viewing window.

  "Are we okay?" yelled Russ, the intense heat now gone from the command center.

  "Not yet, morons," responded Victory from the other room, "I can still see it getting closer through the back window."

  Balloon closed his eyes and guessed their next course of action. "Now, move that there control straight forward 'n give her all she's got!" he yelled.

  Tom ran to the opposite side of the single-wide to watch the scene. As Russ hit the accelerator, the single-wide gradually slowed its descent. After a few seconds, it appeared the single-wide was no longer plummeting toward the star. Tom shouted toward the command center: "Punch it, Russ; get us out of here!"

  Russ yelled back. "I've got it maxed out! There's nothing left."

  The W.A.S.P. continued its standoff with the sun's gravity. Suddenly, the single-wide began to violently shake.

  "Balloon," yelled Tom, amidst the turmoil, "you told me I wouldn't die!"

  "You ain't gonna die nohow. Ma head's tellin' me we's in the clear," shouted Balloon back across the single-wide. Balloon focused his attention on Russ, barely able to stand due to the swaying of the single-wide. "You gots to make sure once we start movin' outta here ya git her slowed down again real good. Otherwise, we could run plum into another one of them stars up yonder."

  As quickly as it had started, the W.A.S.P. stopped quaking and was suddenly quiet. Tom yelled from the other end of the ship. "Alright, we're in the clear. The star's gone."

  "Okay, Russ, let's git her slowed down to a near stop now 'n jist float fer a bit," said Balloon. Russ pulled back on the controls and the stars in the viewing window slowed to a stop.

  Victory, who was doing her best to fold her arms and look angry, immediately began ranting at Balloon. "I told you this was a bad idea. He almost got us all killed. For what? Just so he can drive a trailer in space. Idiots!" She moved closer to Balloon, pointing her chubby index finger at his chest. "We're not here so these clowns can have an adventure. We're here to save my dad. So quit messing around and get us to the cure." She began her exit from the command center, then paused and turned again to face Balloon. "And you're driving." With that, she went to the flower couch and slammed her body down, the springs groaning beneath her. A few seconds later, Tom passed by, glancing in her direction. "Not a word, Starley; I'm not in the mood," said Victory in a cautionary tone.

  "When you are in the mood," answered Tom, "just let me know." Tom entered the command center and clapped his hands. "Well, boys, that was fun. I won't have to sit under the tanning light today, that's for sure."

  "Sorry, guys," said Russ. "I guess maybe Balloon should drive."

  "Sure thang, Russ," answered Balloon, trying to comfort him, "you can steer us 'round some other time. Fer today though, I better take them controls 'n git us movin' where we gots to go."

  "No argument here," said Russ, handing Balloon the controls and slouching down into his chair.

  "Okay, Balloon," said Tom, "guess where we should go so we can get this ball of power thing and, hopefully, get Victory off this white trash spaceship."

  "Ain't no thang," said Balloon, setting his fingers on the controls. He screwed up his face, shifted his fingers on the throttle, and quickly pushed his thumb forward. Without any sound, the stars in the viewing window again appeared to move.

  "Here we go again," commented Tom. "How long until we get to the orb of destiny?"

  "Orb of destiny? What does that even mean?" questioned Russ.

  "You know, the ball of energy thing we traveled millions of light years to get. It doesn't have a name, so I've been trying to come up with something catchy. 'Ball of Power' isn't bad, but I thought I'd take a shot at 'Orb of Destiny' just to see how it rolls off the tongue. Given your reaction, I think it may be a keeper."

  "You're an idiot," answered Russ, shaking his head. His accidental near-killing of everyone on board the W.A.S.P. had put him in a foul mood. "Just call it 'the Cure.'"

  Tom thought it over. "That's a bit too exclusive, don't you think? I mean, it's not 'the Cure' for any of us, except for Victory's dad. It's not a proper description from all perspectives."

  "But that's the whole reason we came here, was to cure him," responded Russ. "So I think it's a perfect name."

  "Nope," said Tom, resolute, "it's called the 'Orb of Destiny' from here on out."

  Victory shot a scream from the couch toward the command center: "Balloon! ETA!" she bellowed.

  Balloon looked at Tom, confused by the question. "Estimated time of arrival," said Tom. "You know, for a guy who knows everything, you don't know much."

  "We's gonna be to that there orb of deputy in jist a little over two hours," answered Balloon.

  "It's about time," was her response.

  Balloon turned to Tom and Russ. "Alrighty, boys, I guess I shoulda thought a this befores, but it didna come to me till right here this instant."

  "Oh joy," said Tom, sitting upright in his chair.

  "I gotta learn y'all two how to use these here space blasters."

  Over the next two hours, Balloon did his best to teach Tom and Russ the controls and mechanisms for the W.A.S.P.'s "lasers, rockets, 'n cannons," as he called them. Tom and Russ of course voiced concern over the need for such instruction, but Balloon attempted to calm their fears by stating, over and over again, "ain't none a y'all gonna be hurt noways." After quite lengthy instruction, Tom and Russ finally felt they had mastered the controls.

  Approximately one hour and fifty minutes after Balloon had given Victory an ETA of two hours, the travelers saw an enormous star shining through the command center's viewing window.

  "There she is," said Balloon, an anxious smile on his face.

  "There what is?" asked Tom as he sat up in his chair.

  "Up yonder's the place where's we gonna find the..... er uh ball of density er whichever y'alls is callin' her now."

  "That's the orb of destiny, thank you very much," corrected Tom.

  "Balloon, I think we're going to have a problem," said Russ, as Victory came into the room.

  "What problem?" she asked. "You've already almost killed us once today."

  "Well, if Balloon's right, and the Cure is on that star, I don't think there's any way we're going to be able to get to it."

  "Agreed," said Tom, "unless you've got some serious sun screen in that bag of yours, Victoria. We're talking SPF 8,000 or so."

  "She ain't on that star," commented Balloon, "she on a planet real close to that star. We's ain't gonna need no sun screens."

  "Well, that makes all the difference in the world, doesn't it, Russell?" said Tom. "Unfortunately, you won't be able to get that much-needed tan, Victoria."

  "Alrighty, boys, one a y'alls needs to git yer hands on that there control fer them laser rockets. I's gonna slow us down a piece so we don't crash into that big ol' star up yonder."

  "Yes, Captain," answered Tom, not the slightest bit concerned by Balloon's warnings. "I'll blow them space bandits out of the sky!"

  Balloon pulled back on the control pad, slowing the stars that were passing by the viewing window. He squinted his eyes and looked out into the expanse. "There she is," he said, pointing to the lower left corner of the scene. "And that there's where we needs to git to." Balloon surveyed the viewing window, no doubt looking for space bandits. "Looks like we's here all by our lonesomes."

  "Well, that's good news. How long until we arrive, Balloon?" asked Russ.

  "We gonna git there in about another seven minutes er so," answered Balloon, his face beaming. "Then maybe we can git that healin' ball 'fore any a them bandits shows up."

  "Bummer," said Tom, still holding the weapons controls, "I was kind of hoping I'd get a chance to shoot some space lasers."

>   "Just get us there, Balloon," said Victory.

  The instant Victory finished saying "Balloon," the travelers heard something they had not encountered for the last 29 days: the ringing of a telephone. Each of them turned and looked at Balloon's phone, hanging on the wall opposite the viewing window in the command center.

  Tom laughed. "Telemarketers, man, they're impossible to escape."

  "What's going on, Balloon?" asked Russ. "How is that thing ringing?"

  "Well isn't it clear, Russell?" answered Tom. "Someone from earth is calling, congratulating us on our intergalactic flight."

  Balloon looked nervously from Victory to the phone, and back to Victory again as the ringing continued. "Well, Balloon," she said, the crease in her forehead showing determination, "I guess you better answer it."