Balloon Boy and the Porcupine Pals: Antihooliganism

by Mort Gloss

"We still don't know what these dudes look like," said Russ, watching giant stars through the viewing window. "Based on what we heard back there, I'm starting to think that maybe Tom is right. Maybe they are just big globs of slime."

  Balloon started to speak. "Don't say a word," interrupted Tom. "You can't cop out now, Gibson. You bet on these aliens looking like Spock or some crap. I'm going to win this bet. And you're going to owe me a lifetime supply of Lucky Charms."

  "It's of little importance," responded Russ. "When I win the McCartney bet, you'll spend the rest of your life regretting you ever even heard a Beatles song."

  "Bring it," answered Tom.

  After Victory had spotted the alien vessels moving toward them, Balloon-without Russ' assistance-immediately turned the W.A.S.P. and left the area. According to Balloon, "them Zaxmorthas can't keep up with us nohow." The travelers had only been gone for a few hours before Balloon told them they were ready to land.

  "Well, where are we going?" asked Russ, as Balloon slowed the single-wide. As he did so, a blue planet, sparsely interspersed with bright green landmasses, became visible through the viewing window.

  "I would assume there," answered Tom, pointing ahead.

  "Okay, great," replied Russ. "Why are we going there?"

  Balloon continued to steer as he answered. "Ma head's tellin' me we gots to meet some folks down theres 'n they's gonna hep us git to that there ball o' power."

  "Do they have it?" said Victory, entering the command center with her jaw clenched. She was still annoyed with Tom's attack on the aliens.

  "Nah, they ain't got nothin'. Fact is, she was right where we was. But this folk is gonna be fixin' to be hepin' us git at her."

  "Whatever, Balloon," said Tom as he yawned, apparently bored with the conversation, "I'm just along for the ride." Then, his eyes lit up. "Question, Balloon: will I get to drive my beloved Cadillac down there?"

  "A whole heap," came the quick answer.

  "Then I'm all for it."

  Russ chimed in. "Plus, we'll get to see these Zaxmorthians."

  "Don't be afraid," said Tom, "you're typically wrong, so it shouldn't bother you too much to lose this one."

  Victory sighed for all to hear. "You guys are morons."

  Balloon took the controls and maneuvered the single-wide closer to the planet. The black of space was slowly replaced by the blue of the planet's atmosphere. As the single-wide plunged deeper into the planet's outer shell, a high-pitched scream accompanied their descent. Balloon nervously looked to Tom and Russ, but said nothing. Tom smiled, put his arms up, cradled his head with his hands, and closed his eyes.

  "Here we go," said Russ, digging his fingers into the arm rests on his command chair. Victory walked deliberately into the living room, plunged herself into the flower couch, and applied her safety belts. As the travelers prepared for their arrival, the screeching of the single-wide became intolerably loud. Russ could see Balloon trying to say something, but couldn't hear a word of it. He checked to ensure Balloon was still operating the W.A.S.P.'s controls. Tom now appeared to be asleep.

  The black of space was gone, and Russ could see the browns and greens of land below. "Hit the brakes!" he yelled, but he couldn't even hear himself say it.

  Balloon sat forward in his seat, constantly grimacing and cringing as he opened and closed his eyes. Russ figured he was guessing once every two seconds about how to properly land. Within a matter of seconds, their view of the fast-approaching ground below was replaced by blue sky. The noise and vibration inside the single-wide increased, causing Russ to cover his ears with his hands. Tom Starley still sat motionless, his eyes closed.

  Just when Russ thought the chaos inside the trailer could not get any more violent, it suddenly stopped. The travelers felt a soft bump, signifying the trailer had landed. Without a word, Russ unstrapped himself from his command chair and went to the viewing window. For miles ahead, he saw bright green turf. Plants of yellows and reds formed straight rows, which appeared to intersect with other rows of plants at varying intervals in the distance. Tom opened his eyes and casually peered through the window.

  "Looks like we landed on a giant putting green," said Tom. "And I didn't even bring my clubs." He slowly detached himself from his command chair, stood up, stretched, and yawned.

  "This place is incredible," said Russ, excited.

  "What's incredible was that landing, Balloon," countered Tom, "you nailed it."

  "Ah shucks, Tommy, thank ya-"

  Before Balloon could finish, Tom interrupted. "Much better than that half-wit Gibson could have done. If he would have tried to land this thing we'd be parked in a brand new single-wide crater. And, judging by the scenery, the locals wouldn't have been too pleased about that."

  Victory stomped into the command center, looking a bit more disheveled than usual. "If you morons insist on wasting time, let's hurry it up."

  Tom wheeled around and faced her. "I like it, Victory. Only you could be impatient enough to expedite wasted time."

  She ignored him. "Balloon, can we breathe out there? What's the temperature? Do we need to take food?"

  Balloon took the questions in succession. "Yup. Round 'bout 72 degrees farenhot, and nope; they gots some fer us."

  "How far away are the locals?" asked Russ.

  "Only 'bout 19 miles er so thataway," said Balloon, pointing straight out the viewing window.

  "Well then why the deuce did we land here, Balloon?" asked Tom, sarcastically.

  "So you could drive the Coupe," answered Russ, pulling the keys from his pants pocket.

  "It is so on," laughed Tom.

  Victory still looked concerned. "Well, what do we need to take with us then?"

  "Nothin'. They gots everthang we need 'n they's gonna give 'em to us."

  "Well let's open her up then," said Tom, "I'm ready to stretch my legs."

  While Balloon began flipping switches in order to depressurize and open up the single-wide, Victory sorted through her luggage.

  "Come on, Vic, the man said you don't need to bring anything," said Tom, walking toward the door of the trailer.

  Victory grunted at him while she continued to burrow into her luggage. "Leave her be, man," said Russ, "she's still not convinced Balloon's always right."

  "Incorrect," said Victory. "I'm looking for something to read."

  "Wait a second," reacted Tom, turning to face her, "we're going to traverse at least 19 miles across an alien planet, in an alien galaxy, and meet a whole new species of intelligent beings, and you're bringing something to read?"

  "I'm not on a site-seeing trip here; I'm here to save my dad."

  "Joy in the journey, V. Joy in the journey," answered Tom.

  As Tom finished speaking, Balloon unbolted the W.A.S.P.'s door, sending a rush of air circulating through the trailer. Tom and Russ quickly exited, with an annoyed Victory following, a worn copy of Leaves of Grass tucked under her arm. Balloon finished powering down the single-wide and followed after, taking his first steps onto the alien soil.