Balloon Boy and the Porcupine Pals: Antihooliganism

by Mort Gloss

  ****

  Balloon quickly moved ahead of Victory in order to displace a large tree branch from her path. She responded by changing her trajectory and completely avoiding both Balloon and the blue vegetation altogether. Balloon awkwardly tried to make conversation as they walked. "Well, yer pappy's gittin' close to bein' saved, Victory; ain't gonna be long now."

  "Finally," said Victory, with a tone of disgust. But then, in a complete reversal, she softened her voice. "Balloon, I have to tell you. I really do appreciate everything you've done to try and help me and my father. It means a lot to me."

  Balloon was so shocked by her kind words that he nearly fell over, teetering back and forth as he tried to maneuver the terrain. "Does that mean ya wanna be ma girlfriend now?" asked Balloon, in total sincerity.

  "Of course not," came Victory's immediate response. And then she softened once again. "It just means that ... well, that I consider you to be a ... uh." She paused, not knowing quite what to say.

  "Ya tryin' to say we jist friends; ain't nothin' more than that," said Balloon, trying to supply her words.

  "No, that's not quite it." She thought silently for a few seconds while continuing to trek through the foliage. "It's more like we have a common purpose, like our association with one another is meant to accomplish a great task. Almost like a ... wartime comradeship."

  "A whatty?" said Balloon.

  "You know, like soldiers on the battlefront. We have a common enemy. This fight has brought us together. But once the conflict is over, your feelings for me will decline." Victory tried to maintain a forced smile as she spoke.

  "But, Vic, we ain't been in no war, least not 'til a few days back. I been wantin' ya to be ma girl since I's nothin'. Now I's got some stuff goin' and, on account a me tryin' to keep yer pappy's head from 'splodin, I thought you would ... uh ... love me some." Balloon looked at the ground as he finished speaking.

  "Balloon, we aren't friends, and I don't love you!" said Victory with impatience. "There's nothing like that between us. I appreciate what you're doing for me, but that's where it ends. It's time you figured that out once and for all."

  Balloon said nothing in response. Head lowered, he continued to walk forward through the dense vegetation.

  Victory, resenting the awkward silence, tried to change the subject. "So how is my dad doing right now?"

  Balloon pretended he didn't hear her as he walked out of the thick jungle into a clearing. About a mile in front of them, the enormous stone statue of the Beloved Protector stood erect in front of a domed fortress.

  "We almost to the ball o' power," said Balloon.

  Victory paused as she looked at the statue in wonder. Looking between Balloon and the statue, she again asked, "you didn't answer my question. How is my father doing?"

  "You meanin' right at this here minute, like right now?"

  "Of course," she answered, still looking at the tremendous statue.

  Balloon shuffled his right foot on the ground, as if he was unsure of himself. "Vic," he said at a near-whisper, "yer Pappy's been dead fer quite a piece."

  Victory continued to stare at the stone statue as her jaw flexed, her hands formed into fists, and her face burned almost as red as her hair. "What are you talking about, Balloon? This isn't a joke," she said between clenched teeth.

  "I ain't jokin' bout nothin'. He 'n everbody else is dead."

  Victory turned to face Balloon, ran at him with full speed, and knocked him to the ground with a two-handed push to the chest. As she executed the attack, several deafening, booming screams emanated from her mouth. She kicked at Balloon's head and chest as she continued to yell.

  "How could you let this happen?" she shouted in rage. "How could you let him die?"

  Balloon crouched on the ground in the fetal position, covering his head and midsection with his hands. As Victory yelled and kicked, he tried to whimper in response. "Don't worry 'bout it nohow, Vic; I can git her all fixed up like new."

  Victory didn't hear him; she continued her onslaught of kicks and screams. And then she stopped. And then she left. Balloon, still covering his face with his right hand, soon noticed the calm. He opened his eyes and found himself alone. He immediately began to panic.

  "Vic, where'd ya go? I can't see ya!" he yelled, frantic. He pulled himself up and ran back into the thick vegetation of the blue jungle, circling around in order to see in all directions. When he found nothing, he went back to the clearing and continued to shout. "Vic, where is ya? Don't worry 'bout nothin', Vic; I can git her fixed. I promise ya I can git her fixed!" He listened for a response, but heard nothing. He dropped to his knees, sunk a few inches into the ground, and started to sob like a little child.

  A few seconds later, Russ broke into the clearing, panting heavily. "What's going on, Balloon?" he asked. "Where's Victory?" Tom and Rita arrived as he spoke.

  "She gone, 'n I ain't got no idea where she done went to," he answered, blubbering.

  "Best news I've heard all day," remarked Tom, breathing hard. Russ and Rita each shot him a look of anger, to which he responded: "okay, probably not the best timing."

  Russ knelt down next to Balloon and attempted to understand what was going on. "How long ago did she leave? What happened?"

  Balloon tried to speak between fits of crying. "She were jist here, 'n then she got all mad at me, 'n then she was gone," he sobbed.

  "Well what made her upset?" asked Russ. Tom was about to ask whether Balloon had finally tried to make a move, but, in a rare moment of restraint, said nothing.

  "She asked how her pappy's doin' right now, so I done told her he ain't doin' so good, on account a he bein' dead 'n all."

  "What the deuce?" said Tom, getting serious. "He's dead? What are we doing here then?"

  Rita interjected. "Who is this 'Pappy' of whom you speak? A great leader of men from your world?"

  "No," answered Russ quickly, "he's Victory's father."

  "And kind of a jerk," added Tom. "But apparently he's a dead jerk. I don't get it, Balloon; you told us this whole thing would go down without a hitch. When did he die?"

  "'Bout 300,000 years ago, 'er somethin' like that."

  "The math's not working for me here," said Tom. "We haven't been gone two months. How's he been dead that long?"

  "Oh crap," said Russ.

  "What do you mean 'oh crap?'" asked Tom, getting somewhat nervous.

  "Time must have slowed down for us during the journey, since we were going so fast. But time went at the regular speed for everybody on earth while we were gone. Is that what's going on here, Balloon?"

  "You got her figured," he answered, his tremendous body still jarring back and forth as he tried to gain control of his emotions.

  "So wait a second, let me get this straight," said Tom. "Everybody we knew on earth, everything we knew has been dead and gone for 300,000 years?"

  "Yup," came Balloon's simple response.

  "Meh," commented Tom, shrugging his shoulders, "I guess it's not that big of a deal. At least they have good taco soup here."

  "It isn't that big of a deal, but not just because of the taco soup," said Russ. "Don't you remember? Balloon told us before, the single-wide can travel back in time."

  Tom nodded his head, remembering his plan to personally observe the alleged death of Paul McCartney. "Oh yeah, good call, Gibson."

  Balloon wiped the tears away from his bright red cheeks. "Y'all is right; we can git back in time 'n save her Pappy, even though his head 'sploded way back when. I gotta tell Vic; she don't even know nothin' 'bout that there piece. She weren't lettin' me tell ner nothin' 'bout it."

  "Wait a moment, did you say this Pappy's head exploded?" inquired Rita, trying to sort out the meaning. "Is he afflicted with the disconcerting plague?"

  "He's afflicted with numerous disconcerting plagues, the chief of which is Victory herself," answered Tom. "But the head-exploding one is why we came; we're trying to find the cure."

  Balloon stood tall, a resolu
te look in his eyes. "I gotta go find her; she gotta know it ain't too late to save her Pappy."

  "Well wait a minute," said Russ, putting his hand on Balloon's chest as he started to walk away. "Where did she go?"

  "I done lost track of her; 'n now I gots to go find her."

  "Balloon," said Russ firmly, "pay attention. Ask yourself where Victory is at this moment."

  Balloon closed his eyes hard, clenched his jaw, and asked himself the question. Within a second, he started to tremble. "They done stole her away; they takin' her to that there buildin' up over yonder!" he proclaimed, pointing toward the enormous dome ahead.

  "Who took her?" asked Russ.

  "Them same bandits that was tryin' to blow us up back at Rita's place." He closed his fists in anger. "I ain't gonna let this ride. I's gonna git her back, if'n it's the first thing I do."

  "You mean the last thing," said Tom, correcting him.

  "My Lord Protector," said Rita, approaching Balloon cautiously, "you must know, the security forces tasked with protecting the Dome of Our Beloved are said to be unparalleled throughout all Zaxmorthia."

  "Ain't no thang," answered Balloon, "ain't nothin' can stop me from gittin' her outta there."

  "What about the ball of power?" asked Russ. "I can tell you this, Balloon, if we don't have the cure in hand when we leave here things are going to be quite unpleasant with Victory."

  "You think she could be worse than normal?" asked Tom sarcastically. "Yep, she sure could," he said, answering his own question.

  "'Nuff talkin'," said Balloon with authority. "We gots to go now."

  "What's the plan, Balloon?" asked Russ.

  Balloon squinted hard and asked himself the question. "The plan is git out yer taserbeams 'n follow me; I's gonna tell you what to do 'n when to do her. None a y'all gots to worry nohow; ain't nobody gittin' blown up."

  "Sounds good to me," answered Tom. "But is there time for me to get my picture taken next to your giant statue over there?"