Balloon Boy and the Porcupine Pals: Antihooliganism

by Mort Gloss

"Alright, Balloon, what do we do now?" inquired Russ. Balloon, Russ, Tom, and Rita walked in single-file, each brandishing a taserbeam. They were within 100 yards of an unoccupied side of the enormous dome. When questioned, Balloon had informed them a multitude of guards were stationed at each entrance. "Is there a way in on this side?" asked Russ, following close behind Balloon.

  "Ain't no way to git in on the side nohow," came the answer.

  "Well, we better figure it out soon, it's getting dark out here," said Russ. The blue sun waned dim on the western horizon.

  "What do you propose, Balloon?" asked Tom. "And by the way, I would prefer something that doesn't include me getting shot."

  "They gots Vic up yonder there to the left. And that there ball o' power is right smack dab in the middle a this here buildin', up on a big podium-like thang. Ma head's tellin me jist to git up yonder 'n start blastin'."

  "Balloon, what about what happened on Rita's planet?" asked Russ. "Any chance these guys will just let you waltz in, since you look just like the Beloved dude?"

  "Ain't gonna work nohow this time, boys. All them bandits been told we's imposters, 'n thatta no matter what they gotta be gunnin' fer us."

  "Well, isn't that a shame?" said Tom. "Do you think they'd believe me if I told them I'm not an imposter, Rita?"

  "No. You would likely be packaged and sold to the lowest bidder," came her quick response. Although he wasn't sure, Tom thought he saw Rita suppress a smile after insulting him.

  The travelers reached the stony side of the dome and then turned left, following Balloon's confident steps.

  "So we're just going to start shooting," said Tom, getting more nervous with each step, "and none of us is going to get blown up. That's the plan, right?"

  "You ain't gonna be shootin' at nothin'," answered Balloon.

  "Well, that's boring," said Tom.

  "Y'all jist stay crouched over yonder by this-a-here buildin', 'n I's gonna git out there 'n start shootin' 'n stunnin' 'em real good. Then once they's all taken care of, we can go on in thereabouts 'n git Vic 'n the ball o' power."

  "Is that what your head's telling you to do?" asked Russ.

  "Yup," answered Balloon.

  "That's good then; we'll do it. Can I give you some advice, Balloon?" said Russ.

  "I's gonna need everthang I can git."

  "When we get up there, don't try to think about anything. Just guess your way through the whole thing, like when you're playing Lord Protector," advised Russ.

  Rita raised one eyebrow in confusion.

  "And don't get blown up," added Tom.

  Balloon slowed down and nodded his head in acknowledgment of their advice. "Y'all is right. I's gonna do jist what y'all said." He then puffed up his chest and took a deep breath. He turned to his fellow travelers and indicated that the entrance to the dome was right around the next corner. "Well, guess this is it, boys," he said with a whisper. Balloon nervously brandished the taserbeam in his right hand. "Y'all stay here till ya git the word from me."

  "You'll be fine, big guy," said Tom, trying to encourage him. "Don't think; just guess."

  Without any warning, Balloon closed his eyes and began screaming at the top of his lungs, running out into the open in front of the stony dome. Russ and Tom scrambled to take cover, hearing the repeated zapping sounds of his taserbeam as it fired in rapid succession.

  "This is intense," yelled Tom.

  Russ, Tom, and Rita stayed crouched on the side of the dome as the noise-level increased. Explosions shook them as they heard the sound of shrapnel and debris falling to the ground. Hearing desperate screams among the mayhem, Russ crawled out into the open for a better view.

  "Unbelievable," he exclaimed, his eyes wide. There before the palatial entrance to the Dome of the Beloved, he saw Balloon, eyes closed, maneuvering and contorting his body in order to dodge a multitude of projectiles and rockets. Dozens of overweight soldiers, decked out in formal garb, were each shooting at him simultaneously. One by one, Balloon picked them off with his taserbeam whenever he had a second or two between dodging motions. "Guys, you gotta see this," said Russ, careful not to raise his voice too loud.

  Tom and Rita crawled over and watched the waning moments of the battle. "He's a terminator," said Tom, bewildered by the spectacle. "Make sure you don't get on his bad side."

  As the number of enemies continued to decrease, Balloon's job became that much easier. After a few more seconds, the last of the Zaxmorthian soldiers commissioned to protect the entrance to the Dome of the Beloved were stunned into unconsciousness.

  "Y'all still over yonder?" yelled Balloon, sweat pouring from his forehead.

  "Despite my heroics," answered Tom, "I'm okay."

  "Git over here. Ma head gots a plan."

  The three stood upright and worked their way to Balloon, carefully stepping over the incapacitated soldiers. Rita approached Balloon with reverence, bowing her head as she moved close. "You were magnificent, my Lord Protector," she exclaimed in sincere admiration. "You fought with absolute precision."

  "Yeah, not bad, dude," added Tom, looking at Balloon's handiwork as he spoke.

  "Ain't no thang," said Balloon. "Here's what we gotta do now to git Vic 'n that ball o' power. Russ, you 'n me is gonna head into this here buildin' 'n go thataway," he explained, panting heavily as he pointed left. "Russ, you ain't gotta worry 'bout nothin', I's gonna take care a everthang." Balloon then shifted his attention to Tom and Rita. "Tommy, you 'n Rita gotta go git that there ball o' power. Head straight in here 'n keep headin' the same way. But y'all is gonna git some rockets 'n such fired at ya. So this is what yer gonna do...."

  Balloon paused, catching his breath and asking himself the questions. "Rita, after ya first see that there ball o' power, count to four 'n then jump left. Then, once yer up there gittin it 'n such, bow yer head down as far as she can go at the same time ya git her grabbed real good 'n tight. Oh yeah, one more thang, keep that taserbeam right there at yer side as much as ya can 'n shoot at everthang you see."

  "Tommy, don't try shootin' at the first bandit that gits in yer way, but give him a good roundhouse karate kick to the head. And once Rita starts climbin' up to the ball o' power, you is gonna be shootin' at ever bandit that comes fer her. Aim fer the belly; that's the biggest target they gots. And one more thang, 'n don't forget this'n: after Rita gits back on the ground with the ball o' power, scream real loud 'n shoot yer taserbeam up in the air 'bout 10 times er so."

  Rita nodded her head in acknowledgment of Balloon's instructions. Tom's jaw was slack, his eyes wide. "It shall be done, my Lord," said Rita.

  Tom momentarily regained his senses. "Okay, man, but what do we do after Rita has the ball?"

  "Git yerselves back out yonder here 'n hide er somethin' till y'all see me." Balloon then closed his eyes hard, lifting his taserbeam up in his right hand as he did so. "We gotsta go now, Russ," said Balloon intently. "And so do you, Tommy," he added.

  "Alright," said Tom, visibly nervous as he spoke. "Let's do this thing."

  Balloon held his gun close to his head and started running into the Dome of the Beloved. Russ followed close behind. Just as they were about to go out of sight, Balloon yelled back to Tom and Rita. "Rita, somethin' done changed. Count to five, not four, 'n y'alls gonna be jist fine."

  "I will follow your instructions, my Lord Protector," said Rita with unwavering fealty. She then turned to Tom. "Are you up for this, slave?"

  "Oh yeah. You just make sure you count to five. Or was it four?"

  Rita responded with a smirk and began running toward the entrance. Tom shook his head and muttered under his breath: "how did I get myself into this mess?" With that, he chased after Rita into the Dome of the Beloved.